Introducing Myself
I have been stalking this website for 2 years. Finally, I got to courage to open an account and try to find help with my troubled blended family. More specific, the stepson from hell. I worry everyday that the next fight about him will be the one that ends my marriage.
So allow me to introduce myself. First let me say I have really found solace in reading your experiences. I look forward to connecting with fellow suffering stepparents.
I am 36F. I have known my husband for 8 years; our friendship blossomed into a relationship 3 years ago. We've been married 2 years. I have 3 kids and he has a son.
✦ My BS16 is from my first relationship. His dad and I split before our son was born (his mother wouldn't let him grow a set, and he continues to live with her all these years later!). So we obviously never married but he and I have coparented successfully and he'll graduate soon from high school. He struggles with ADHD and behavioral delay and I'm proud he has matured so much into an honor roll student and has conquered much of his anger & impulse issues.
✦ My BD12 is from my first marriage. Her dad was emotionally, mentally, and sexually abusive, and I divorced him a few months before my daughter turned 3. I was with her dad almost 5 years total. Since the divorce, he has terrorized with frivolous lawsuits and used my daughter as a pawn to exact revenge for divorcing him. He is a textbook controlling narcissist. He, like my son's dad, lives in mommy's basement, and believes himself to be a successful man and superior parent. He terrorized me for nearly a decade because I couldn't afford representation. When my husband came into my life and realized what was happening, he retained legal representation immediately, and my ex-husband lashed out harder. Tens of thousands of dollars later, multiple judges, attorneys, Friend of Court, parenting coordinator, and parenting coach...we've relatively neutralized him. He continues to cause nonstop strain any chance he can exploit a vagueness in our legal paperwork, but hey, that's our family court system.
✦ My BD2 is the daughter I share with my husband. My husband nor I ever envisioned we would have another kid; she has truly been a wonderful blessing. My kids are crazy about her and she brings so much joy to our lives. Sometimes I think she is the glue that keeps our family together.
✦ My SS12 is the son of my husband from his prior marriage. He is a terror and is the reason I hovered this site for over a year, not having to courage to join and engage in the discussion until now. He is entitled, spoiled, rude, lazy, manipulative, sneaky, and inconsiderate. I have stories for days. The kid has been guilt-parented forever. Between being adopted at birth, his mother divorcing twice (already has her next victim/wallet lined up), and my husband's guilt over the divorce, I see little hope for things to improve, and this kid will only get worse as he gets further into teenage years. I didn't realize what I was signing up for when I entered this relationship. I chalked up the red flags to SS12 just having an adjustment disorder, not understanding that the behaviors are his normal, everyday behaviors. Things have deteriorated into nonstop tension, even when he's not in our custody, because my husband feels judged or stressed if I express concern (no matter how delicate, civil, factual, pokerfaced I am). It's bad, really bad. 95% of the arguments with my husband revolve around this kid. I'm hoping I can use StepTalk as a place to vent, get advice, and commiserate.
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Comments
Your SS12 sounds like a
Your SS12 sounds like a playbook Skid - is entitled, spoiled, rude, lazy, manipulative, sneaky, and inconsiderate.... sorry that you have such a nice family going on but you have this spawn of a child to deal with. Is there any chance that you can talk to your DH about this and make things change? I mean he is still 12, and I think could be caught on time if he let's go of guilt-parenting (or Disney parenting as we call it here). My case I met the Skids at 12; saw the guilt-parenting going on and the skids traits; brought it up to my SO and got shot down. Now they are 20 and haven't change a bit... so they are an older version of an entitled 12 year old who think they are very mature and know it all.... it's been tough to see this eveolve and live in it...
I hope you can work it out with your DH and make him understand that his son's future is bleak if he DH does not correct course and allows you say in the matter as a couple and parents... good luck.
Playbook Skid
Yes, he sounds like a lot of the skids I've read about here. I guess if you get into a relationship with someone who has good kids, you aren't driven to a site like this!
So, the first 6 months of our marriage, I noticed the skid's behavior wasn't improving. DH and I would have "productive" conversations but eventually he seemed to get more and more defensive about SS12 to where even legitimate complaints would devolve into hours-long or days-long fights about how my comments are based on "hating" the skid. ADHD makes kids impulsive and act out, but it doesn't make you lie, sneak, be an asshole. My DH (and skid's bum of a mother) are the FIRST to say their kid is an asshole. But DH declares "you're the adult" and I'm supposed to just find a way to relate to SS12 and make things better. SS12 is psychopathic and seriously doesn't care about anyone. He'll take, take, take, not say thank you, and keep his hand outstretched for the next offering. I'm not buying his affection, I won't do it, and it's not possible. He treats his mother like garbage even though she caters to everything and enforces no rules at her house.
Now, DH is super hard on him sometimes, particularly when it is school-related or if he catches him in a lie. He doesn't allow SS12 to disrespect me, but that is pretty rare since SS12 and I avoid each other like the plague. But because SS12 is ALWAYS doing something that requires addressing, DH gets sensitive when I say something, especially if my kids witness it. SS12 has alienated the whole household with his behavior. He ruins every meal, every outing, entire days. And he doesn't care about anyone or anything as long as he has his electronics and Pokemon cards. It's a super power I suppose to be that uncaring about others. I understand my DH feels his relationship is on the rocks with SS12 because he has to enforce discipline nonstop, but I can't be the scapegoat every time SS12 does something wrong and he's upset to have to ride his butt again.
Yeah one of my skids has ADHD
Yeah one of my skids has ADHD and Dyslexia, but it doesn't justify the lies, manipulative behaviour, sneakiness, etc... my SO justified it all the subpar behaviours with this and I got tired of listening so I try to disengage. But then when SO feels like it SS is compared to all the famous dyslexic people in the world that are succesful.!.. it's crazy... so dyslexic can be succesful and hard working, but SS poor thing has dyslexia and that's why he behaves playbook skid... SMH.
Greatness
Yes, I hear about how gifted and intelligent my SS is but how DH fears his laziness will cause him to be an inviable adult. My husband brags about his straight A's. but it's because DH nonstop emails teachers to get late work accepted and facilitate "test corrections" - this leniency stopped after elementary school when I was a kid, and isn't permitted in the schools my kids attend now. But apparently SS's school system gives hardly any homework, kids are permitted to turn in late work by many teachers, and a few teachers let kids "fix" wrong answers on tests to improve the grades. I am glad DH is involved in SS's education, takes it super seriously, but acting like the skid earned A's and thus deserves special trips & rewards is problematic for me when he is a royal nightmare everyday behavior and attitude wise. His schooling is not my battle of course but pretending he did it with good work ethic is ridiculous. What will he do when SS is an adult? Call his boss to explain why SS's work isn't done or get him an extension? It's a disservice to SS for what awaits him in adulthood.
Ugg, the painful Disney parent/toxic failed family progeny model
Ugg, the painful Disney parent with toxic failed family progeny model.
Welcome, I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and get support and useful perspective on navigating the adventure of the blended family dream.
Standards of behavior and standards of performance are the framework for driving success with this type of Skid and this type of Disney daddy failed family prior breeder who dumps their baggage on their new marriage.
You parent. DH does not. That is why your children perform well and your SS does not.
KISS - Keep it stupid simple.
Don't talk about SS other than in reference to the clear standards of behavior and standards of performance that you require from all kids in your home, and from your DH regarding his parenting.
Facts. State them, and demand implemented solutions from daddy. Do not allow him to emotionalize the discussion and escalate it into a fight because he has failed family progeny guilt. Standard, and kid behavior. Tie them together, grab daddy by the short and curlies, and force him to recongize the performance deviation and clearly state what he is going to do about it. Then follow him around under your hairy eyeball to make sure he actually does what he said he would do.
You have 6 long years remaining under the CO followed by an adult lifetime of Skid crap if you do not establish and enforce the standards.
Regarding the adoption element. That is irrelevant IMHO. I adopted my SS-31 at his request when he was 22yo. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. The source of the child is irrelevant to effective parenting IMHO. We had it just about as simple as it gets in the blended family world. No time for a kid to be poisoned by the shallow and poluted end of their gene pool. DW had full physical and legal custody from birth and left the State of SpermLand with SS on her hip when he was less than 1yo. She never went back there to live. Her CP status with full physical and legal custody was upheld in multple custody attempts by the SpermClan. Visitation was long distance and limited so we did not have the toxicity associated with frequent back and forth that comes with a EOW, EOWE, or some such other frequent NCP face time visitation model. One adjustement we learned was valuable was... the rules here are the rules here and they will be enforced from the second the Skid arrives home from SpermLand visitation until the second he leaves to SpermLand on his next visitation. The rules are the rules and the kid will comply or live the consequences of their choice to not comply.
Prior to that, and when he was on the younger end, we had about a week of pre visitation behavioral degradation to deal with and about 2wks of post visitation detox to deal with. We finally came to the conclusion that enough was enough there would be no previsitation behavioral degredation or post visitation detox. All three of us found that to be a far more pleasant situation than the initial alternative had been.
Take care of you and yours. If daddy does not figure it out, you and your kids will need you to keep the skid toxicity in check.
Toxicity In Check
I so looked forward to your response, Rags. You are a wealth of knowledge here!
While my DH will qualify as a Disney dad in many ways, I have to give him credit that he addresses behavior when it is warranted. The problem is really that his punishments are inconsistent, threats not always followed through, and "privileges" are ill-timed. SS goes to therapy now weekly. But what's the point if you don't follow the advice, right? She told DH that SS is manipulative and that consequences must be consistent and carried out every time. If he loses electronics, you can't just take his tablet but let him have his Nintendo Switch, laptop, smartphone, TV (with YouTube access), etc. It's like grounding from ice cream but allowing cookies, cupcakes, candy... DH asserts I don't let him parent when I call him out on buying treats and toys after he's had a bad day. It's led to many fights, and my DH is a fireball, I don't have the energy. So your advice to manage the toxicity is apt.
Hopefully everyone can help me navigate these rough waters for the next several years. SS won't disappear at 18 of course but my DH absolutely will not tolerate him living in our basement like a bum as an adult. Now SS's mother, maybe she will allow bumhood in her own basement, but there's no place for him in ours if he's a jobless loser at 18.
Don't be so sure...
My xH sold me the same stories about how my now-xSS would not be allowed to stay after 18/high school graduation if SS didn't either enroll in community college or a trade school, or enlist in the military. Thennnn when xSS turned 18 and barely graduated, the story changed:
I didn't see it coming. Even though I was on StepTalk, I thought MY husband was different. I believed all the future-faking about xSS's "launch plan" and us being empty nesters, buying a home, saving for retirement, and hopefully leaving skids (I have no bio's) something after we passed. Well, well, well - my xH's true colors were revealed once his disrespectful, lazy, lying stoner son's lack of effort resulted in an 18 year old being both "a man" ("He's 18 and I [xH] can't discipline him anymore!") and simultaneously, "a child" ("He's my boy and he needs more tiiiime!").
Not all scenario's are the same, but reading here on ST there's a definite pattern with two variations:
The saying "Hope for the best but expect the worst" has a lot of wisdom. Being a step-parent is a crap-shoot and I sincerely hope for your sake your DH is the 1st type.
You have my attention!
I want to be 100% sure but I'm more like 90% sure. If my certainty drops below that percentage, I would start considering other options, but it's hard to know right now. Like yours, my DH says all the right things about our empty nest, raising our BD2 in a healthier household without ex-spouses' toxicity and SS12 drama. My DH is already very vocal about my BS16 graduating from high school next year and what he expects to take place. While judging his behavior on nudging my son from the nest will not be 1:1 with what he decides for his special prince, I will be able to use his example when it's time for SS to go. My BD12 will turn 18 just three weeks before SS12, so that will help set a more level field when the time comes to shove them out too. I cannot imagine what it was like for you to be betrayed like that after you put in the time thinking you'd have skid out of your day-to-day and finally embark on a new chapter with your DH. I sincerely hope I don't find myself in that same position but I will be a lot more willing to walk away in 6 years if I find time served was being extended!
And BTW, Hon, raising a son
And BTW, Hon, raising a son who will be graduating HS at the tender age of 16 years is no mean feat, particularly when he has ADHD! My beloved step-grandson, whose father is one of the best, most involved dads on the planet, also suffers from that disorder and struggles a lot, despite (like Rags) having won the parental lottery.
My hat's off to you!
Not just
accept the worst - prepare for the worst. I think that's what exit plans are - preparing for the worst. If it doesn't happen, great! but anything we do to make our potential single future better, through saving/investing money, upping our skill set and/or taking classes or whatever will be useful if our marriages stay viable.
You devinately got this. I
You devinately got this. I am glad that your DH is engaged with you and will address behavioral issues with his kid. His claims of you not letting him parent when you call him out for rewarding his kid afer disciplining his kid are defintely confused. IMHO. Managing the toxic will have to include some clear logic discussions with daddy while not letting him fireball you.
If DH won't let him bum in your basement as an adult, there is hope that he will recognize that guilt rewards following discipline makes zero sense.
It sounds to me that the therapist is the right one for you to partner with to adjust DH appropriately.
I think your DH is grounding from icecream then buying his kid gelato.
Make sure to take care of you.
Oh Hon!
Oh Hon!
Your situation sounds truly awful. I also suffered the anguish of a teen ‘daddy’s girl’ who was a master manipulator but I was fortunate in having a husband who ‘had my back’ and refused to tolerate his daughter’s nonsense. When she finally stepped beyond the pale, my husband gave up his 50/50 custody and allowed the girl’s mother to keep her full time until she underwent an attitude adjustment and decided to become a member of our family instead of a sullen brat.
The only remedy that I can suggest for your situation is complete disengagement from your stepson. Make no attempt to discipline him, speak to him or connect with him in any way. Pretend that he’s invisible! Do him absolutely no favours. Unless he poses a threat to your bios, ignoring him is the only way to survive the next few years.
You are probably correct in your assumption that the boy is either sociopathic or psychopathic, given the behaviours that you’ve described. Have a look at Robert Hare’s checklist for psychopaths and you’ll likely find that your suspicions will be verified.
I’ve read of many instances of adopted children with severe personality disorders; not surprising considering the fact that they’ve been rejected by their biological parents for one reason or another. Having adopted his son, your husband may be suffering from added guilt at having taken on a stranger’s child and having failed at making a success of raising him.
It’s clear that your husband is unwilling to discuss his 12-year-old parental failure and, if you persist in complaining about the boy’s conduct, you will continue to alienate the man and possibly destroy your marriage. If you ignore your SS and disengage from him entirely, your husband will be far more inclined to see the kid’s awfulness and face it head-on rather than burying his head in the sand.
Best of luck to you, Hon. I don't envy you!
Fire and adjust. Or more accurately, adopt and adjust.
We have friends who have adopted two high risk preteen boys. They have one left. The eldest chose toxicity and to be abuse of others so they ended the adoption to protect their younger son, the kids in their school, and the adults from their eldest. He chose to molest kids on the school bus and at school, to assault teachers and staff. So. off to a remote behavioral ranch school and ultimately to become a ward of the state when they had the adoption desolved. Ending that risk to their financial security, the safety of their younger son, and everyone in their community trumped the needs of the toxic adopted kid. THough it is sad, when a kid is beyond salvage there is a point where they become a write off.
It has been a long while since desolving the adoption. Their attorney advised zero contact for life. He called them when he about 18. They did not answer. It was a rough decision, but one they made due to his willful choices to violate the standards of behavior and performance they demanded. It cost him a truly privileged life of infite opportunity. Though it broke their hearts tp disolve the adoption, their choice to end that relationship saved them a lifetime of heart break, and any number of law suites from parents of victimized children, and assaulted adults just during his years as a minor.
My son is adopted. Though he was my son long before he asked me to adopt him. We had traveled the CO years and moved into an adult child parent relationship before he asked me to adopt him when he was 22. He ... besides our marriage, is our proudest accomplishment.
I am not comparing our experience to our friends' experience or the OP's and their SO's experience. Every SParent story is unique though they all share some commonalities. The same is the case with adoption stories. Both are complicated. Having both experiences with a single Skid who is not originally either adult's child, has to be infinately more complicated and challenging.
Disengagement
Thanks so much for your input. Yes, he checks many of those boxes... I know it's still too early to tell but there's no sign of him growing an awareness and consideration of others' feelings. It's sad and scary.
The adoption is not really a thing, it's only come up briefly in our private conversations, not ever during a fight or from SS himself. I only bring it up in my intro because I believe it to be the culprit for his over-the-top spoiling since birth. My DH accidentally acknowledged my position but then flipped and accused me of wanting SS to feel bad about his "privilege." DH has his hands full competing with SS's mother, who is a buddy mom. I actually think SS would improve if he were with us 24/7 (*shudder*) because then he wouldn't escape rules & punishments every other week. We have him every other week and we have to reprogram him every Sunday. By mid-week he's almost exorcised. We might enjoy a nice day or two at the end of the week, then back to his mom's, returning to us a demon again. Cycle repeats.
Lol. I am halucinating reading the first line.
I sweat I read it a couple of times and read it as Your situation sounds truly unawful. Then I moved on other comments and came back and my brain picke it up correctly which blew my mind because I swear it said "unlawful" less than a couple of minutes before.
I swear, I have not been drinking. Though at my age, that would not be.... unlawful.
Welcome
To a place no one wants to be . SS understands how to " play the game". Putting BM and BD against each other where they both kiss his ass. Unless DH realize what's going on, and stop it all is lost. You will have a kid that will never launch. And both parents will do everything for him.
Genuine Fear
My DH won't tolerate him being an adult bum. But I do worry about what stunts SS will pull, how he'll manipulate and guilt my DH to do things for him behind my back. There are already a couple of "minor" things my DH does for SS behind my back. I pretend not to know but I am painfully aware. When it comes to the SS, he's willing to lie, Not a good foundation for a marriage.
TRUTH!
100% EVERYTHING Harry said. Take it to the bank.
Greetings and Welcome to steptalk-ing
It never ends. You will have to deal with this kid forever. And the tension wont end, because you are engaged. Stop engaging and put all your attention into your bios. When your husband sees your bios flourish and his not so much, he MIGHT wake up, but probably wont.
You probably have read this before here, but your SS is not the problem, your husband is the problem. When he goes into rage mode, or accuses you of "hating his kid", you need to correct him and tell him "why do you NOT care enough to parent him? I dont hate him, I care(d) enough at one time to try to parent him, yet you blocked me, so I am disengaged from him now".
I would just leave it, and spend your time, energy and money where it really matters.
You Are So Right
There have been enough fights that DH actually told me to "butt out" of all things concerning his son. THEN, a few days later, just as a reminder, decided to remind me that he's resentful of me and my "nonstepmother" role. I can't win. Basically, if I disagree with his handling of something, I'm being judgmental of him and hateful to SS. Never mind that my son had many, many bad behaviors when he was SS's age, and my son's room echoed because I refused to be his friend - away went the TV and electronics. I hated being the nonpreferred parent and my son angry with me, but he's matured so much now and respects the rules because of the hard years and tough parenting. DH calls my suggestions/opnions "gratuitously nasty" toward his kid even if they are the exact things I did with my son, who had similar ADHD struggles and behavior issues. You would think my opinion would be more valued but instead DH worries too much about his "relationship" with SS12. He's willing to let stuff go when he shouldn't, or cut punishments short, to improve things. He refuses to see the big picture. So CLove, you are right. I have to disengage, but somehow be okay with DH's "resentment" of me over it. It's a tricky situation but I am miserable and, frankly, have no control at this point. SS12 has WAY too much power. It's revolting and there's zilch I can do but ride the storm and focus on my own.
Disengagement is your friend
More of a friend than your DH! Basically you are being told that you are good for doing, helping, PAYING, having responsibility yet are given zero authority. This model is basically unsustainable. Its not a workable long-term solution. You doormat and sacrifice yourself and your bios on the altar of his failed first family attempt, to keep your husband "happy", thats what he is requiring of you. Just keep paying and helping, but keep your "opinions" (ie hard-won experience and knowledge) to yourself.
That doesnt work. It doesnt work for you and it wont work for your bios as they see you being disrespected and used.
SO, perhaps it will take several iterations and explanations in different ways using examples, color slide presentations, handouts and diagrams before your husband will admit to anything that indicates hes a failure as a parent. Taking your advice, standing up to emotional terrorist SS, all that points to failure, so he will put that off as much as possible.
Ergo, put less caring into your husbands fee fees. He needs to parent up.
"butt out".
"butt out".
Oh hell no.
That should have gotten him and immediate "Pack your shit and get out!"
IMHO of course.
A man of character and quality would never speak to his bride that way.
Welcome
It looks like everyone here is already giving some great advice and support, so i just want to say welcome! We've all had some step trauma in our lives so we can relate. You are not alone.
Thank you so much for the
Thank you so much for the welcome! I'm in the right place for the support I need, that's for sure.
Nothing wrong with hating your SS
This is something you learn here. If you are disrespected , you have a good reason. You are tge adult. You are not on the same level as a kid. You didn't give him ADHA. That was his parents. You have control of your life. You control your home not a kid.
Needed That!
Thanks for your understanding. It's so easy for people to judge when they have never lived in a situation where someone else's nasty child dictates the household and jeopardizes a marriage the way SS12 does.
Your confidence and clarity
Your confidence and clarity are inspiring. Firecracker or not, your DH will correct. With your success as a parent, and intollerance for his ill behaved disrespectful child, and his difficult personal issues.
Don't take any shit, from either one of them.
Live your best life in front of and in spite of them both.