Proposal to being blocked in 5 days!

My previous blog mentioned that my ex-fiance proposed to me (again) via text. (Yeah.) He wanted to be married, but not live together. Nope - that is not for me. Now he blocked me because of something written in my attorney's letter. Wth? I never reach out to my exF anyway. He told me he was going to block me, but I "could feel free to email." This is such bizarre behavior. Well, bipolar behavior I suppose. He seems to be worsening. I have to stop trying to rationalize the irrational. If any of you have any tips, please share. Right now, I am just catching myself doing this and purposely shifting my thoughts to anything else.

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Go "no contact". Cut him off

Go "no contact". Cut him off 100%.

If you must communicate with him for anything essential (not just because you feel bad), look up BIFF or Gray Rock.

It's not your job to save him. If he's spiraling, his family or other connections need to step in. The only time I would get involved is if an ex contacted me about harming himself. That is when I would call the authorities for a wellness check, but I would not respond to the ex. In other words, don't warn the ex that you are calling the authorities. Sure, he'll probably be upset, but if he's seriously considering harming himself, you could save his life.

Yes, I am doing no contact.

Yes, I am doing no contact. It helps for sure, but I feel like I still have a monkey on my back. Maybe it is the house situation. Maybe I will feel more energized after that debacle is handled. I am trying hard to revert to logic instead of feelings, or fee-fees.

Also, yes to Gray Rocking. I

Also, yes to Gray Rocking. I do know what that is, and will use it if communication is necessary. I don't know what BIFF is, but now I have to look it up!

Brief, Informative, Friendly,

Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm.

Got it! Thank you!

I did look it up too, and found some interesting examples. I can see how this would work to immediatley diffuse a situation.

Depends on what you want.

If staying together but living separately is not how you envision a relationship then so be it...if you think living separately would improve your relationship then carry on...At the end of the day it's your choice your life!

Purge him from space in your

Purge him from space in your head. No need to BIFF if you do that and vector any communication through your attorney. Go for legal fees if he plays games.

Wondered about the legal fees..

Wondered about the legal fees in terms of getting them covered by him, or at least partially. He is not settling peacefully which is obnoxious to me considering how and when he left. Also it seems he thinks he is entitled to recognition for things he did while living at our house that every homeowner does. His attorney keeps circling back to this, yet he also does not present any receipts. My exF is wasting everybody's time.

I am working on purging him from my head. Easier said than done. I welcome tips on how to do this as my methods are not working.

this is really a question for

this is really a question for your lawyer regarding whether asking for legal fees is really worth pursuing.

IMHO.. the sooner you are "done" with all of this the better. You could also come up with your list of "contributions towards the house" (weekly cleaning fees... labor for painting the kitchen.. gardening/landscaping you did etc.. and counter his claims there..

Your lawyer should be able to figure out the best path forward to be most expedient.. and help you come to a cost/benefit to settling or not.. going to arbitration? court? etc...

If you feel your lawyer is just padding up billings.. and happy to string things along.. find another lawyer.

You should also think about getting into counseling so that you could figure out how to move on emotionally from all of this. Clearly this relationship is and has been dead.. and your EX'es mixed messages don't change that.

My divorce attorney

... checked the "Attorney fees" box on the divorce petition before filing. He said he usually does that just to have something to negotiate away from at the end during settlement agreement, so the other party gets a psychological "win," but also so that if the other party made the process hell, he can pursue.

Agree with others to talk to your attorney about this.

Thanks ESMOD.

You're right, the sooner I am done with all of this the better. I think I am going to skip trying to get my legal fees covered. I am so sick of this legal crap. I am doing all of the work collecting receipts, documenting cost breakdowns, etc. and HE is the one who left me unexpectedly, on Christmas Day no less. It seems so grossly unfair. I am trying not to get caught up in victim mentality though, and I am trying to see it as work that I am doing to get my DD and myself to a more peaceful place.

I am in counseling - weekly since he left over a year ago. She is a good therapist. It is my rumination that is keeping me emotionally stuck, coupled with his mixed messages.

Wondered about the legal fees

Wondered about the legal fees in terms of getting them covered by him, or at least partially

If he makes significantly more income and/or he is creating legal issues that could be caused by him refusing to be a decent human being like most people (ex he seems to be intentionally stretching the case out/intentionally causing you financial hardship by doing so ...) then it's likely he could be required to pay legal fees.

*im not a lawyer but I have sued deadbeats in court.

Also it seems he thinks he is

Also it seems he thinks he is entitled to recognition for things he did while living at our house that every homeowner does.

Men!!!

They want accolades for doing what they're supposed to be doing regardless

Like thank heavens you took out the trash every week like most normal men across the country are doing

Lol, Lilly......

thank heavens you took out the trash every week like most normal men across the country are doing ....this made me lol for real. Actually I took out the trash and recylcing more often than he did. He always wanted accolades for lawn work and such. It was so odd. He needs his ego fed regularly it seems.

Get active in your community,

Get active in your community, friends circles, church, hiking clubs, charities, theater groups, professional organizations, literacy programs, etc..... IRL activities will displace this POS in a hurry and keep your head space engaged and full so that there is no room for his crap or for him.

IMHO of course.

Look for interesting goups. DW used to belong to the Tuesday Lady's Group, American Women's Association (when we were expats), Wine Down Wednesdays (in the US).

Physical people oriented activities are key to moving on.

IMHO of course.

For me, during the lead up and following my divorce, I was an avid mountain bike person and did a lot of group rides adn trips. Shortly after my divorce was final i sold my business, moved to a different state and dived into completing my engineering degree. I worked and went to school full time, did a ton of bike trips, etc...

I also dated like a fiend. 3 years after my divorce was final I noted that I was starting to date life partner quality people. I had dated some wonderful women during the 6mos leading up to my divorce and for the 3 years following but none who I would "take home to mom". Then within a very short time I met 4 who were incredible. DW of nearly 30 years is the last of those 4.

DW was recovering from a failed relationship when we met. Much as I was. We both did the work to be the best partner we could be and when we met, we just fit. All three of us. DW, me and SS (then 15mos old).

Fill your life, and your life will deliver amazingness.

Take care of you.

Great suggestions, Rags.

Thanks for taking the time to write these suggestions. I am so wrapped up in raising my DD, handling all aspects of the house on my own, working full-time, dealing with this legal BS, and trying to help my elderly mother (my father just passed in March) so I feel like I have no time for socialization. I can see this is what I likely need more than anything though. I will get there!

Yes, you will get there. One step at a time.

Or in other words:

A journey of a million miles begins and progresses one step at a time.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

etc....

Take care of you and DD. Mom too of course. But if you do not take care of yourself, you can't take care of anyone else.

Deep breaths.

IF there are legal areas that need attention, let your lawyer contact him/or his lawyer.