How to deal with the hurt
I feel so sorry from my DH. I have 4 adult skids (41, 38.28,24) my DH has struggled with being present in their adult lives (we also have 2 biokids 14 and 16). This has been an ongoing issue with both parties at fault to varying degrees (check out the Exhausted post if you want more backstory). The current drama is that the youngest - 24 is graduating college and informed my DH today that she does not have a ticket to graduation for him becuase "she is done with him." He may not be super present in their adult lives but is hardly a dead-beat dad. He supported her financially well beyond his divorce agreement and paid 1/2 of her college tuition. She has been included in our family events including lavish vacations (Italy, Costa Rica, Mexico, Disney, Cananda). He took her to visit colleges when she was in high school and helped move her in and out of school. I do not think that he is completely without blame but he does not deserve this. How am I supposed to help? I am so sad for him and so furious at her.
Help by encouraging your DH
Help by encouraging your DH to stop helping. No more gifts or help of any kind. He paid for half and is not allowed to see her graduate?!
Yup!
Because he "doesn't reach out enough." Even though the last time he called her she said 4 words to him and then got off the phone.
Are there physical tickets?
Are there physical tickets? Is there a list at the door? Or, is it a give the name of the graduate and the number of you in your group then ask if anyone else has arrived off of SD's block?
If it is not closely controlled, go early, sit in a crowded section when you arrive. Take pics, take an air horn and blow it and cheer when SD walks, then.... head out for a nice celebratory dinner after and text SD with the address of where the Michelin Star restaurant is if she and she alone wants to join you to celebrate. If BM and her squad get left on the curb, BONUS!
If those are not options, do an online search and buy extra tickets from some cash strapped graduating Sr. who has a couple of extras. Go and don't forget the air horn and a big banner so SD, BM and shit puddle end of the Skid gene pool hears and sees that you are there. Take pics and video and flood your social media accounts with it tagging SD ... and the toxic womb donor.
I would!
When SD, BM, or the other StepSpawn take exception, SD should point out that he paid for half of her college tuition and made sure he was present to support her and celebrate. Then he needs to ask. "Why do you ask? Is it a problem that I paid for half?" Bare idiot ass in front of all of the idiots. They looooooveee that.
Let him handle it
Clearly there ARE tickets and she is choosing x y and z over him. How did my DH see his beloved graduate college? She used all the tickets for mommy and co and I found the graduation being online so DH watched. I'm sure the same for your darling step.
Then I would wash my hands of her. No more nothing. No gifts no invites.
In your own words.. you agree
In your own words.. you agree he does not make much of an effort to keep up a relationship with his older children. Sure, he financially provided support.. but I'm guessing SD does feel that he was not there for her as a father. Now.. with SIX kids.. and two full time at home.. I guess I can see that.. I can also see the older kids feeling "replaced" by his family with you.. and the succession of stepmoms they had.. (well.. obv the youngest saw fewer.. lol).. I can see how they may not feel a great connection..esp if they see him having one with the youngest two.
His child may not have said a whole lot when they talked last.. and I get that communication is two way.. but it sounds like the groundwork for this point was laid over a long time.. and since.. even you agree that he has dropped the ball with them.. I'm not sure this would come as a total surprise.
Now.. effectively banning her father from graduation is a fairly extreme step.. so I'm guessing there is a lot of hurt on her side too.. how they bridge it? not sure.. is her mom a very present and oppositional voice against him?
At this point.. all he can do is perhaps try to communicate to her in some way that he is sorry she did not feel supported.. that he thought he was communicating with her at the level she wanted.. and that he loves her and wishes her the best and that he won't attend if that is truly her wish. that the door is open when she wants a relationship.
the financial support for her can stop though
I agree with ESMOD.
I agree with ESMOD. Definitely some old issues at play here, and SD may be in a loyalty bind since it's an event her mom will probably be attending.
I do think your DH should try to bridge the gap, but also think the only graduation gift he should give is what SD has requested: the gift of absence. No rewarding bad behavior with $$$.
You can't help.
You have to come to terms with that very basic fact. Whatever relationship your DH has with his adult kids is entirely on him and them.
I understand where you are coming from and I've been in the same situation with a SD who is awful. Seeing my SO get hurt by her over and over has not been easy to watch.
You used quotes around your SD24's comment, she is "done with him." If that is indeed a direct quote from her, then if I were your DH I would absolutely take her at her word. I would respond along these lines:
"SD, I truly wish I could be there to celebrate this life achievement with you. If I understand you correctly, I am not welcome to be there and you do not wish further contact with me. It is heartbreaking for any parent to be told that, but you are an adult and I will respect your request. I truly wish you all the best and hope the future brings many wonderful experiences your way. I also wish that someday you will have a change of heart and may want a relationship with me - the door is always open. With much love... your father."
Then I would not contact her again. Period.
"SD, I truly wish I could be
I love this. On the advice of a therapist, DH wrote SD a note very similar to this one. SD was underage, so DH continued to send her birthday cards and Christmas gifts. SD remained silent until it was time to turn 18, at which time CS was to stop and SD, woops, wanted someone to help pay for college. She stayed distant but in touch with him until it was time to get married. She is the Cash Grab Girl.
Thank you
This is a great template for him!
Along with what everyone else
Along with what everyone else says, make plans with the family members that are in your home now. Plan a day trip, a weekend away, something. Schedule a date night with DH--go out to dinner at a favorite restaurant. We learned that being "in the hurt" was exactly the purpose of the punishment, so we decided to shift gears and not give them the satisfaction.
Again, I'll bring up my father: Had I pulled the kind of s**** that "our" skids do, he would have at first confronted me and talked to me. If I hadn't budged, believe me, that man was not going to sit around and let me ruin his day.
Great suggestion!
SM2004, I think this is a great idea - plan to do something special on SD's graduation day. Instead of sitting around hoping for a last-minute invite and being morose, take your DH and do something with your kids that will create a special memory of its own.
Think of something you all have wanted to do, but haven't done yet. And damn the cost. Consider it an investment in YOUR future and not going towards the ingrate SD anymore!
Yeah, have DH write that
Yeah, have DH write that letter and then move forward with some fun plans that day. That's really important- your and his life isn't going to stop. I've been alienated by proxy through a adult SS's DIL - I do not allow their exclusion of important announcements or (sometimes) important events where I am not invited to rain on my parade. I continue on and have a blast, my life is not stopping nor should yours or your DH's. Go have some fun and make some memories and if they decide to let him back in he can join back up but until then don't let the time go to waste.
The Hurt
I can appreciate how difficult it is to watch this unfold. SD really threw down the gauntlet there. Maybe she wants him to chase her...SD25 Feral Forger texts husband "you ABANDONED me for your whore of a wife" after he tells her he cant give her money right now...for her phone bill. "I cry every day' etc... Thats a 'challenge' for her father to chase her and prove hes a "good dad"...
But maybe in this case, shes really done, and she knows that this is the end of the money train...
Plan something fun. Or try to bust in there. It seems like a "double bind situation".
You might be right
I definitely think there is a part her that wants him to chase her but I also think that the end of the money train is contributing to her showing her true colors.
Came back to add if your DH
Came back to add if your DH really wants to give his daughter a gift despite her behavior, a charitable donation in her name is a great option. The skid can't say dad didn't do anything for them but they sure don't benefit directly, either.
Gift or no gift
My DH was pretty adament about not giving a gift and just sending a card with a nice message. I mean let's be clear -- we paid for half of her college tuition and give her $500 a month to live on while she was in school. This was for 2 years beyond what the divorce settlement stipulated. However, there is a small voice (one that I am trying to shut down) that doesn't want to add fuel to the fire. I feel like the lack of gift will be the straw that breaks the camel's back.
Gift Certificate
Gift Certificate always works well. $100 or something. Thank goodness you are finally off the gavy train. $24,000 is a nice vacation! Not to mention the tuition and travel you took her on.
Can you adopt me? I loooooooove to travel.