I wondered where you'd been. I'm so glad you popped in. 

You know.. this has to be very frustrating for you.  I know you are probably just in a "get it all done zone"... and with him gone without much contact.. you just have to "suck it up".. whether you want to or not..and that sucks.

I know you had told your SO you did not want to be a MIL spouse.. yet here you still are.. and I get that on the one hand.. he is probably unsure of what he might do in civilian world.. and how he would earn a living.. maybe that is making him a bit more stuck.

If you do ultimately decide to stay together.. a few things need to be addressed.

First.. his ADULT son with autism needs to be put into some sort of group home situation... this is for his own good.. if you and your SO are not there.. what happens to him.. it's unfair to you that you are limited by this arrangement.  It's unfair to his son who is not living the most enriching life that he could.

Second,  you need to come to a decision on his military service.  Does he need to bring some skills up to speed?  Does he need help figuring out a career plan?  He needs a plan to transition.

I might also suggest you try to get some support services for yourself.. some therapy/counseling.. to help you be the healthiest you can be.

And the update.

Sorry you are going through this, but glad your bios are doing well.

You sound a bit numb as to the marriage situation..burnt out...

You're under a tremendous amount of stress right now, so please don't make any life changing decisions.

And this probably won't make you feel any better, but imagine being your DH. I know it was his decision, but he's stuck on the other side of the planet away from you and his family. So, you're BOTH under a lot of stress right now.

Naturally, I'm more empathetic to your plight because of all that you've endured over the years with his kids. It's not easy being the one staying at home and holding down the fort. How long will this separation be? Will he be able to visit or can you visit him? Do you have respite care support for SS24 so you can travel?

Sending you love and hugs. I cannot imagine how tough all of this is on you. I couldn't even handle a long distance relationship of 2.5 hours. I would be a hot mess over a multi-year separation.

Good to see you. However, I am sorry you found it necessary to come back.

I assume you have POA on  your special needs SKidult.  Can you initiate an assessment by the State to get SS into oversight by the applicable state agency and work on getting him moving toward a spot in a group home?  He may not be able to live independently but there are options for him to be part of a community, in an active home where he can access friendships, activities, training, jobs, etc... as his capability will allow.

In my first career I employed several special needs adults from a couple of group homes. Great people, dependable employees.   They lived happy lives.

Dad needs to make that  happen for his SNKidult.

IMHO of course.

Take care of you.

Welcome back!  I often miss seeing certain posters on here and you are one of them.  Sorry to hear about you and your DH, my marriage imploded about a year ago, we are still together but mostly roommates at this point.  Your son is missing out on the prime time to forge friendships that could last him a lifetime at college.  All that bonding that’s going to happen freshman year he’s going to miss out on and end up lonely being on the fringe.  Glad your daughter is doing so much better.

Damn. I'm so sorry you are going through this. There is no way you should be stuck with a special needs adult skid for however long your DH is deployed. Has DH made ANY plans except dumping it on you? Group home? Family? I think i remember from your previous blogs that BM1 is either an addict or mentally ill? This is NOT on you. I agree with the poster who said don't make any life-changing decisions in the heat of the moment. But, to me, THAT one is an exception. No fking way. 

Hello there, you! Glad you stopped in.

You sound ... different. Stronger, in command, not taking any b.s. anymore. Like you're in the middle of a midlife growth spurt. Therapy must be working well for you!

Please keep checking in with us. You're a core member and we love you!

Good to hear an update from you!  You sound like you are in a good place, even with everything going on.

I can say that a friend and I were talking about how our husbands are BIG BABIES about just life stuff, especially now since we are planning for retirement in the next 10-15 years, want to get finance in order, etc. But both of our H's are either just dragging their feet or outright refusing to participate in these plans. Why? Becuase they don't want to, don't have time, don't think it's important, blah blah blah. Meanwhile her H is still unemployed after several years and mine keeps complaining about his job (which could be resolved but no, he doesn't want to deal with that either) and basic stuff I hear again and again (I too, recently told my DH I just didn't care any more and that he was fixating on that past and what he cannot change rather than on OUR life).

I'm not planning on leaving DH (so far, HA!), but I have been somewhat disengaging from him since he's left me alone on financial planning and other needed things. He keeps saying "I will do better..." but the last time he told me that, just a week ago, I flat out told him "That's meaningless to me because you keep saying that, I just need you to actually DO it."  So I consider myself married, we can talk very well, but he refuses to change - ok then, I will keep moving on and doing my own thing, which I'm quite happy with at this point.

I had to deal with a lot of long distance with my DH when he worked off shore.  It wasn't for a full 18 month stretch.. he was home intermittantly for a couple weeks every month or two.. BUT.. I can tell you that it can be tough.

You are dealing with a huge time difference. so one or both of you might be tired or short on time when the calls happen.  It's also a little harder to sort through someone's conversations.. are they mad at you.. are they mad at something that is going on over there.. are they overwhelmed and busy.?

And.. I can say that my husband might get frustrated when I tell him about a problem.. and perhaps how I solved it.. or I'm frustrated he isn't there to solve it for me..(changing lawn mower blades on the riding mower for example).. and then he would tell me my solution wasn't a good one.. and I'm all.. "well I"M the one here dealing with it.. you aren't.. so keep that opinion to yourself"..

And.. I can also say that he said lots of his shipmates would deal with issues with their partners cheating.. or not feeling like they are in control because they can't be there.

It also sets up a dynamic where you become super independent and capable.. and just deal with it all.. and when you have them come back.. they are almost in the way.. lol.

I would probably advise you to remind yourself and your SO that you both are dealing with a lot and you both need to be mindful of that.. and be kind to one another... don't overwhelmingly focus on the stresses.. try to share that you miss them.. hope they are doing well.. and can you send or do anything for each other etc..

I'm so glad you checked in! You were such a regular poster for so long that I really missed you when you left. Please continue to check in now and again. It is good to hear things are going well with your daughter, I know she had a rough go of it for awhile. Sorry to hear your son is going to have to learn a hard lesson on his own.

DS.  Is DH responsible, He chooses to be in the service. He figures out his DS needs. Without you.  If he can't he just can't go.  Then he will figure out child =care when he's in jail.   You go to Japan.