This situation has a long backstory, but to summarize: XH and I are the only caregivers for his dad, who has a host of mental and physical health issues. FIL is estranged from his entire family except for us.

My brothers-in-law haven’t done anything to help us with FIL’s care over the past 4 years. In this time period he has been evicted 3 times, been arrested more times than I can count, and had a toe amputated due to gangrene as a complication of uncontrolled diabetes. We are in the process of petitioning for legal guardianship so that we can move him into a secured assisted living facility. 

To say that handling all of this has been a drain financially and emotionally, not to mention the enormous amount of time it has cost, would be an understatement.

It’s worth noting that FIL was a good dad - he and MIL were married for 40 years and she never worked in that time. He was a successful engineer and paid for both of my BIL to complete their educations through obtaining masters degrees. They both lived in their childhood home with MIL and FIL well into their 20s. His first mental break was about 10 years ago, and it’s been a roller coaster since then. 

So, since FIL became estranged from everyone, my XH’s relationship with his brothers has progressively deteriorated. He’s angry with them for abandoning their dad and for dumping everything on him (us) with seemingly not even a second thought. It all sort of came to a head around Thanksgiving, and for the first time since I’ve known XH, we had separate holiday celebrations. I took DD and my SDs to Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners with my ILs, but XH did not attend.

Last week, my XH announced that our DD is no longer allowed to spend time with my BILs or their wives. She can see MIL, but only with my supervision. He feels that since they don’t want to do any of the “hard” family stuff, they shouldn’t get to enjoy the fun family stuff. He also feels that their “lack of family values and loyalty” will be a bad influence on DD. 

DD has always had a great relationship with her aunts and uncles. I should probably say here that one of my BIL and his wife are DD’s birth parents (she is aware of this). She LOVES spending time with them and we’ve had a standing weekly visit with them for a couple of years now. 

Needless to say, this announcement has devastated them. It’s also broken my heart, and DD is very confused. I absolutely understand where XH is coming from. And I agree and have told both of my BIL that I think it is wrong of them to leave their brother and me to care for their dad after everything he gave them. I’m angry with them too. But I also know that none of that has anything to do with DD, nor does it have anything to do with my SIL, who have absolutely no responsibility for their husbands’ decisions. 

I’ve always said that I would respect XH’s wishes when it comes to DD. We generally coparent very well together. This truly is the first time I’ve been tempted to violate something that was important to him. My inclination is to at least let DD see one of my SIL (her birth mother) every week. This would be a risk, because I would never ask DD to keep a secret from her dad, and it’s likely that she would tell him that she’d seen SIL. When/if that happens, he will be livid with me. But I feel like it’s justified.

What do y’all think? What should I do? Literally sick to my stomach over this.