Take that me time. You deserve it. Book a solo vacation or go visit a relative or friend. Negotiate with your husband time in the week when you can have the house to yourself for a hour or two, regular time when you can go out of the house on your own (that isn't running errands). Make date nights a priority once or twice a month. These kids have big issues but apart from the 7 year old can all be somewhat independent for a few hours at a time. Hopefully some of the older kids could even babysit the 7 year old sometimes? 

It is hard to grasp our independence within a relationship especially when we have so many demands placed on us, but for own sanity and the health of the relationship we have to strive to take that independence. 

I feel for you.  After having my 3 SKs part time for 4 years,  BM let them go, one at a time, so that with my own, we hsd 5 kids within a 6-year age range.  Thankfully, BM didn't commit suicide like yours altho she attempted it at least once.  I, too, felt totally overwhelmed.

I'm glad you're going to therapy, that's what saved me.   My biggest takeaway from it was the importance of time with DH.  With 5 needy kids and his very demanding job it was a challenge but we did it and it made a difference.

I agree with BethAnne's suggestions for your own time alone.  Do whatever it takes.  Do you think you should slow down your college load? Like you, I worked full time and went to night school, it's a lot.  I so well remember the feeling of "What happened?  I didn't forsee  having 5 kids, at all". 

All you can do is what we did: hang in there day by day.  Like you, I was lucky that both sets of kids got along, thats a blessing.  I'm 79 and DH is 86 now, while you're going thru it, it seems like it will never end, but it does.  Though I wasn't crazy about all the kids moving in, dealing with their issues alongside DH made us deeper than dirt.

Good luck, linds.

First, my condolences on the loss of life as you hoped it would be.  I have not lost a parent myself though I know it will happen far sooner than later in my case.  Even at 60 I cannot imagine how difficult it will be.

Losing a parent as a teen or in the early 20s particularly to suicide has to be unimmaginable.  

That said, even with all of the tragic elements in play, you should not sacrifice yourself to any of this.  Nor should you allow it to overly and adversly impact your own children.

Daddy has to man up and parent.  He also has to defend his mate from his children and all of their drama.

I do not envy you in any of this.

Take care of you.

Have you and DH discussed requirements you have of the adult children to remain living in the home, such as helping pay rent or utilities, for the 21 manic depressive staying on their medications and therapy.  Also setting up realistic expectations for the three younger children and what is expected of them as they get older to adulthood. 

You and your partner also need to sit down and work out realistic boundaries of your own personal time.  Making sure that your own needs and their needs are prioritized as well.  Taking time to do the things you want and need for you and not just your DH, your children, and his children. 

All the older kids and even the 7-year-old should be pitching in around the house, helping with daily chores, grocery shopping and meal planning.  They live in the house then they need to be a functioning part of the house and not just a lump or a drain expecting to be catered too.

Lastly it can be easy to fall back into learned patterns (thriving in chaos) since you came from an abusive marriage.  Do not allow yourself to fall back into that because it’s what you are used to and comfortable with.  As you can see it’s already burning you out and causing you problems.

I went from an emotionally abusive marriage, to being single and finally in my 30's being able to do stuff I wanted, to a relationship where we both had kids 50/50 and had alone time and went on vacations, to 3 kids full time under our roof and no breaks. 

Sometimes it is OKAY to say NO!!!

Anytime you take on dependent kids you're signing up for limited amount of freedom to do what you want.

If I were you I'd require all the adults to get therapy/medication plus jobs. They also need a timeline of when they will have their OWN space. Everyone needs to pitch in around the house with chores, etc. And if anyone refuses to take meds/therapy then they will be signed up for a group home, etc 

Place some firm boundaries so you don't get taken advantage of.

You sound like a nice lady but unfortunately this is not a nice world most of the time. Even these men and these kids will bleed you dry IF you let them. 

You're far from an ahole - you need to take care of yourself first before you can pour into others.

Find Julie Fast books. She is a Bipolar expert ( having it herself). You need to get that under control in your life.   Boundaries for yourself, maybe some therapy for yourself.    You are a nurse so you know in your head that you need to take care of yourself but your heart won't let you.   
 

each one of the kids should contribute to running the house.  Chores.  Divide and conquer.  
 

DH and I combined 7 in the beginning.  5-14.  Structure was our best friend.  

You have a crazy train.   If DH wants his adult kids living with you. He must in force rules. To his DK.  All Adults must get out of the home each week day.  Work, program. Something.  Everyone on there meds. And going to a DR. as required.  If DH is giving up he can take his kids to motel 6 and live there. 
'You need adult me time. Take it 

Sparent is the most difficult family role that there is.  More clearly, StepMother is the most difficult family role that their is.

StepDads have it easy in comparrison.   For any number of reasons.

I just had a lump in my throat flash back of when I picked my mom, my not yet then DW and, SS-31  then less than 2yo, up at the airport when they flew out to join me. SS saw me, his face lit up, he stopped and gave me a grin, said "Daddy", then ran to me.  We eloped a week later and the adventure officially started.

Hard to believe that was approaching 30 years ago.