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Back in our bed for 9 yo

alwayslast1978's picture

Submitted by alwayslast1978 on Sat, 03/09/2024 - 9:44am

My SS is 9 but lives like a 5 yo.  Sits on the couch all day every day.  Wont go or do anything without mommy.  Luckily, he is only here half the time so I compromise erand let it go.  My non negotiable has been our coming into our bed at night.  I hate it.  We stopped it at the start of Grade 3.  He woukd sleep with mummy every night if he could.  A week amd a half ago he had a tooth pulled and for some reason he came in at 2am.  I told my wife that it was ok as a one off but it isnt becoming a regular thing.  The next night he didnt come in but he did the night after that.  My wife took him back to his bed and them came back which was good.  She said he woke up and thought it was morning at 2am.  Next night, he stayed in his bed and then was at his dads for 2 nights.  Last night,I was exhausted.and I woke up to my wife being nit being there.  She was in his room again. This is the third time in our relationship that we have been passed this behavior and then he comes in once and it starts all over again.  The older he gets the more disgusted I get with his baby behavior. My wife things he will grow out of this but I am having doubts. 

Comments

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Sat, 03/09/2024 - 11:07am

This kid will NEVER grow out of this as long as your wife enables it to continue. The kid is using toddler tactics to keep his mother's attention on him. I bet he doesn't do this at his  dad's. Your wife needs (for the kid's sake) to stop this carry-on NOW and allow the child to develop like his peers. Why doesn't she love him enough to help him develop and stop selfishly trying to keep him as dependent on her as possible?

alwayslast1978's picture

Submitted by alwayslast1978 on Sat, 03/09/2024 - 12:15pm

I thought the same thing about his dad but my wife told me her son said that he can go in his dads bed because he isnt married so it makes it hard.  He probably does this every night (no way to know for sure)  WTF is wrong with them! All he has to do is say he couldnt sleep and apologize for coming in and all is forgiven.  She keeps saying he is only 9.  My response is that he is 9 not 5.  I feel totally alone in this.

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Sat, 03/09/2024 - 3:02pm

That is not going to help you when CPS turns up on your doorstep accusing you of grooming your stepchild  and luring them into your bed ...NO unrelated child in your bed EVER.

alwayslast1978's picture

Submitted by alwayslast1978 on Sun, 03/10/2024 - 7:25pm

I doubt that will happen, I avoid the kid like the plague when he is here.  He is the most annoying kid I have ever met and I have been a teacher.  He also comes in and gets his mom and they go back to his bed so we arent  in the same bed.

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Sat, 03/09/2024 - 11:25am

I tried to break YSS's habit of getting up at 3 am every  Saturday morning to sit in my SO's (Chef)  lap and surf the web for toys (bribery instruments).   Of course this is always the parents fault for letting it happen.  Oh yes and the crawling back into bed.  YSS would do this at age almost 7 when I got up to get a glass of water or go use the bathroom.    And these kids were huge for their age.

It literally looked like Chef was in bed with another woman that's how gigantic these kids are.   I tried to explain to Chef that this is not good for anybody sleep habits especially for children who need a solid 10 hours of sleep a night and he would give me the old hand wave off.  

Then the "my kids are different/special" (TM) crap and don't need all that sleep. 

It ended up that YSS  became enraged that he could no longer get up at 3:00 in the morning on Saturday to surf for crap that we couldn't afford and he had the expectation of getting.   He was so angry that he literally crapped all over the house on purpose.  All over "his room"  all over the furniture, smeared it on the walls, you name it.

It wasn't long after that he PASed out over a home-cooked meal.   These kids are never told no so again I blame the parents.   I haven't seen that 21-year-old brat since September 2009 and if I ever do see him again it will be too soon including the older two.

strugglingSM's picture

Submitted by strugglingSM on Sat, 03/09/2024 - 12:26pm

Oh yes, when I met DH, SSs were 9, almost 10, and they slept in the same bed with him on their weekends. They had their own queen bed to share, so they couldn't claim they were lonely. They would literally cry until he let them in his bed. I remember the first night I spent with them was at the family cabin. DH slept in a bed with skids and I slept alone. I seriously thought about ending things. I told DH that if he wanted to share a bed with me, skids would no longer be in his bed...and he never shared a bed with them again. 

Despite that "win" for me, it's been a complete drama fest and some days I really wonder what my life would be like if I had just walked away. No one deserves to put up with drama they didn't cause and can't fix. 

Lifer33's picture

Submitted by Lifer33 on Sat, 03/09/2024 - 1:11pm

I have an 8 Yr old who had fully grown out of this bs. Now she has to cope with some extreme muppets going on 13 at school, so she's had some high incidences of waking and bed wetting anxiety lately,  even so , I wake up put her and the bedding right,  and back to bed.

What I'm saying is , this is lazy parenting. By all means sit with them, listen to their anxiety,  then let them know a boundary time, or a night light,  then walk away

alwayslast1978's picture

Submitted by alwayslast1978 on Sun, 03/10/2024 - 7:27pm

My wife has finally realized this needs to stop but she waited wayyy too long.  I have never met a kid that wants to be babied more than him.

Hastings's picture

Submitted by Hastings on Sat, 03/09/2024 - 4:36pm

Definitely a no! Kids should not share a bed with their parents -- and especially with an adult who isn't a relative. The fact that your wife waffles suggests she gets something out of it, too. Easing some guilt. Feeling needed/wanted. Keeping child dependent feeding some need for relevance.

Luckily, in my case, DH has always been very firmly "no kid in my bed -- EVER." I think SS13 slept with his mom when he was younger, but that stopped years ago and never happened here.

Kids can be very difficult and manipulative about sleeping in parents' beds. The only answer is firm (but loving) consistency. No.

Rose_Pedal's picture

Submitted by Rose_Pedal on Sat, 03/09/2024 - 9:49pm

OMG I dealt with this when I first met my DH. His daughter (8 at the time) slept in his bed with him every night and I was so absolutely disgusted by it that I almost left him.

Not even going to lie I was pretty brutal about it and shamed him for it- this IS lazy parenting. Path of least resistance because it is only done to avoid meltdowns instead of making the child be independent.

Coddling and not teaching your child boundaries and respect for their parent's space.

It was hard on our relationship for the first few months and I told him I refused to stay the night (and at one point said I questioned our relationship based on his coddling behavior-this being a HUGE factor in that statement.)

Luckily DH made the right choice and saw how ridiculous it was- he claimed he never liked that she did that and it was something her mom started. So at least there was a level of accountability and self awareness on my DH's part.

I hope your wife starts to realize this is toxic coddling behavior that is not good for the child.
 

Unfortunately to this day we deal with a lazy, unmotivated, 'scared of everything,' can't think or speak for herself or figure anything out SD12 ever.

This is such a weird thing that seems SO prevalent these days!

 

alwayslast1978's picture

Submitted by alwayslast1978 on Sun, 03/10/2024 - 7:36pm

My wife is finally on board and it is slowly getting better.  He was 4 when he moved in and while his tempermemt has improved, the dependance and laziness hasnt.  He wants mommy to do everything.  He asked her to get him a shirt so he could get dressed without leaving his precious couch.  She didnt get it but I hate when he asks.  He is always in everyones business, he has to know everything that happens at all times.  He is getting closer to his dad and often goes there on our weekends but never comes here on his.  I hope he lives there when he gets older. I was hoping he would grow out of this stuff but I am losing more hope the older he gets.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sun, 03/10/2024 - 12:02am

No means no.

KISS. Keep It Stupid Simple.

A 9yo does not sleep in the marital bed of anyone. Particularly when one partner in that marriage did not spawn the spawn.

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Sun, 03/10/2024 - 10:07am

SK may not be allowed in the master bed room. SM need some private personal space.  Don't need SK going through there things.  Bio family's are different.  You want personal adult couples time at night. To do adult things.   Not have some 9 yo interfering with your adult time .  Or DW should of not married anyone 

alwayslast1978's picture

Submitted by alwayslast1978 on Tue, 08/27/2024 - 5:35am

Hasnt happened since but woke up in the middle of the night and she is in his bed again.  Wonder what the excuse is this time 

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Tue, 08/27/2024 - 6:23am

Maybe it's time you did/said something to make them sit up and take note. Next time (because there WILL be a next time), head,for his bedroom, throw the door open and loudly (I'd  bellow ...) say, "WHY are you in here coddling this child AGAIN? Please allow him to be his age! He isn't a toddler any more!" The idea is to shame HER, not him, but also to let him know that this is not to  be tolerated ant that you are not going to be sucked in.

If he isn't seeing a therapist it's time he was and make it non-negotiable. Time she saw one too.