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How to deal with this $hit

Mum2twogirlz's picture

Submitted by Mum2twogirlz on Mon, 03/04/2024 - 2:45pm

A bit of background (I have 2 girls 2yrs and 2 months and my partner has a daughter 5 who comes on weekends 

usually a pleasure to have, this weekend was completely different whenever dad was out the room not being a nice girl at all. They were playing together in the room and I went to grab baby a bottle and left my phone recording and heard daughter 5 saying to daughter 2yrs does she want her to push her again, telling her to bite herself and saying to her she better not tell anyone. Showed the recording to my partner and he spoke to daughter 5 and she said we was sad she had been caught and she did it because she is jealous of her sisters, spoke to mum so she was aware and she just flat out denied it "my daughter wouldn't do this" and asked for the recording so we sent it over. She then said she dosent want her daughter around mine???but if she wants to come over she won't stop her, while I agree with this I can't have my daughter scared in her own home, the rest of that day she was telling me and her dad her sister was hitting her and was scared to play in her room and go to get toys out of there. On here looking for suggestions.... advice.... anything

Comments

advice.only2's picture

Submitted by advice.only2 on Mon, 03/04/2024 - 3:22pm

Your DH needs to make it clear what his rules and expectations are for his daughter in his home, whatever happens in BM’s home has no bearing over yours.  Nanny cams can help, but at this point sounds like SD can not be left alone to play with DD2.  Does your DH work with his daughter on dealing with her emotions of jealousy, does he work on teaching her empathy and understanding the consequences of her actions?  Does your DH allow SD to make grown up decisions such as whether she gets to come visit?  If he does than that is a huge part of the problem, a parent not being a parent and pandering to the whims of a child who doesn’t understand consequences of their actions.

Thumper's picture

Submitted by Thumper on Mon, 03/04/2024 - 4:22pm

Let BM hear what her cherub said.  There is no denying what is right in front of her face, then to her ears. . 

You wrote sd is 5, right? Does she say these things at school? OR is it only at your house.  Call the teacher, ask him or her about skids behavior with classmates. 

Dh and YOU can both tell sd, WE do not behave this way. Remind her that her teachers at school do not allow anyone to behave like. that. If she attends Mass or Sunday school--they would not allow it either. IF she is in dance...remind her. . Bring into the conversation places that she goes to,  so that she can relate.  That can be very effective. 

I have been down this road.  Your obligation is to protect your biological children. 

Hopefully a stern, direct talk with sd will snap her out of this.  IF not, dh may need to revisit sd spending weekends in your home.  Are DH  parents near by ?? Maybe he can spend weekends there?  

Keep us informed, ok?

 

 

 

 

Mum2twogirlz's picture

Submitted by Mum2twogirlz on Mon, 03/04/2024 - 4:52pm

It only seems to happen when she thinks nobody is watching or listening, when dads out the room different kid all together, I ask them to tidy toys in room and she says no because she made no mess (she was playing to) so said ok and then dh backed me up and said no, you will tidy the toys. Bm sent a list of foods daughter5 likes, mostly junk types of food, pre-made pastas,instant noodles, nuggets, hotdogs, pizzas etc but fine, so made these foods and dosent want them?? Not cooking anymore dh can deal with it. When I told bm what had happened she flat out denied that daughter would ever do this wouldn't be her etc so I said well we have a recording and she said we'll send it then, must've thought we were bluffing so we sent it the she said she dosent want her daughter around mine??? Wtf. Hair is another battle bm complains if daughters hair not done, dh not very skilled in this area but has been trying to learn watches TikTok's of easy styles to do and try's to practise but bm messaged daughters granparent and said "tell dhs girlfriend if she wants to take pictures of the girls to at least brush therw hair" so I thought okay, and had been putting cute styles for her in, then got a message she dosent like the bobbles we were using they were ripping daughter 5 hair out apparently any bobble will do this if you just pull it to get it out. So she sent bobbles up for daughter, previous day did daughters hair and she complained to dh about the bobbles and said nothing to me about it until prompted by him so I said that's okay, just let me know these things. I'm no longer cooking, I'm not doing hair, I'm not washing clothes, it's not my responsibility. I have 2 of my own daughters needs to attend to and I'm tiered I have a toddler and a newborn baby ffs. If she asks for a cute style I will help, it could count as a bonding time because serious trust has been broken here. The cameras are going up, 1 more incident and I'm going threw like a ton of bricks I don't care who I'm upsetting, and visitation can take place somewhere else. That's up to them to work out, no more of my energy will go into it.

Thumper's picture

Submitted by Thumper on Mon, 03/04/2024 - 6:13pm

OP, you sound like you are on the right track. Let dad care for his children when they are there. Seems like he is trying, right? 

Happy to read that dh directs his kids to clean up the toys AFTER they gave you a hard time. 

BM micromanaging your home is a red flag to be mindful of.(sending a list of foods skids like) ..AND the grandparents chiming in too about hair? Why are they meddling into your goings on in your home.  Your home is your home, your rules are your rules, . What you or DH cook for the kids, is up to you two. How sd's hair is done by dad (or you) is not bm's or grannys business. 

DH has every right to ignore what bm and granny are tag teaming him about. Maybe dad doesn't like how bm does the childs hair,,imaging the uproar if he told HER to do it his way???  If I were in your shoes, WE  would close ranks on what bm and granny have access too.  I would not send photos  or post photos of the kids. --Return the child in the same clothing (clean of course)  and same OR close to same hair style as she arrived in, including hair items she arrived in.  I would not be so quick to style her hair right now. BM is just going to blame you for something...

Is Granny meddler BM's mom? Or dh's mom?

 

 

Mum2twogirlz's picture

Submitted by Mum2twogirlz on Mon, 03/04/2024 - 4:55pm

Dhs parent is nearby but dh said he dosent feel she is for our realtionship and is very close with bm, as if she wants them back together and to push me and our daughters out. So visiting wouldn't really work there, bm won't have him in her home and says there is no solution for all of this

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Tue, 03/05/2024 - 9:24am

Thank BM for the food list, then in the garbage. DH can deal with cooking for her and all of you. As long as he cooking.  Hair .let DH deal with it. Cambers , you can see what's going on. 5 a dnd 2 is a big difference at that age.magbe should nit be playing together.   But BM can not run your home.  You do what you want SD is a long for the ride ....Nothing is going to make BM the Ex happy.  Her life "gold" is to distroy you and your happiness.