SKIDS needs new beds at BM’s
Just been informed that SS has broken his bed at BM's and she wants my partner to fork out the money for a new one, plus a new one for SD (even though hers isn't broken).
Am I wrong in thinking this isn't something he should be paying for in whole on his own? I can understand helping out and putting some money towards SS's new bed since his is broken, but to pay for two new beds in full?
Annoyingly he's not even questioned it and has started looking at new beds for them, which has miffed me considering we're due to move out into our new home within the next week and there's A LOT we need to get. Beds for skids, mattresses, drawers&wardrobe. Money that should be going on getting the children's room sorted at our place is now going to go towards their rooms at BM’s.
Since being a stepmum, and with all of the drama BM continues to throw our way, I’ve been told a lot to pick my battles. I’m wondering if this is something I lay down and let happen, or something I bring up with my partner and say, “hang on a minute, how are we budgeting for two new beds on top of everything we already need to get for the new house.”
2 years into this life, and I guess being young myself, and I’m still struggling to know which battles are the right ones to choose.
Nope. BM pays for her own
Nope. BM pays for her own stuff. Divorce/seperation should clear that up.
Some stepmoms have a rule where she get double from DH when DH pays for extras for the failed family. Anything that the BM needs for her home for the skids comes from HER efforts and child support. That's what it is for.
Nothing about their agreement
Nothing about their agreement in regards to the kids is on paper/through the courts. Neither of them wanted the hassle when they first split and so come up with their own agreement on how much my partner would pay her and how often/when he would have the kids. I've already done a post on here about how much i loathe their visitation agreement.
It is getting to the point where I think it does need to be taken to court. She is constantly asking for us to keep the kids for extra days and for my partner to buy things/give her more money. Funnily, this has only happened since she has fallen pregnant with her new partner... Odd how you could afford all these things and manage your set days with the children before bringing in a third, hmmmm....
Back to the court point, I think my partner is still very much in the "I don't want the hassle" mindset which is why he is so quick to pay for these things and won't change the visitations. I also think if we were to take her to court to get things done legally, she would assume this was us calling her a bad mother and the slander toward my partner and myself would sky rocket. She is that spiteful, I could see her trying to make up lies against him to the courts just to get her own way.
It is not his responsibility
It is not his responsibility to maintain TWO households. What does BM think child support is for?
Everything BUT supporting the
Everything BUT supporting the children, by the sounds of things.
He gave an extra £200 on top of the monthly CS for his eldest last September for new school supplies and uniform, and yet she has NOTHING. One pinafore, a couple shirts, one plain white tshirt for P.E and one pair of joggers... There is no way that came to £200. Since then he has had to buy three new pairs of school shoes, more shirts and extra bits for her PE kit because BM "can't afford it". He has already said this year he will be taking both kids school shopping as that money clearly didn't go on what it was supposed to.
So she's playing him for a
So she's playing him for a mug. How does that make him feel? Does she have a job?
Oh beyond. I don't think he
Oh beyond. I don't think he really sees it, not until i sit and spell it out for him.
It makes me feel insane but I have just sat and done a "school shop" for them just to see how much everything would really cost. And I've managed to get a lot more than she did for only £150!!! Both kids would have been sorted for just over £300 so I fail to see how £200 didn't cover only SD
She cleans a school 3 hours a day 5 days a week and gets single parent child support from the gov so it's not like she has Zero income at all
Shoot! I have this same
Shoot! I have this same problem with my partner, whenever they break something in their house she ask him to buy it for them, the last thing was a chest of drawers and he also went over there to built it for them. I thoug I was crazy for feeling upset, specially because we're not married and he's not neglecting our family, I mean he provides for two households, but he says is his money and he works hard for it so ....
Yes, it's his money ... as
Yes, it's his money ... as long as he's providing for his current family first.
If SK broke the bed, SK can
If SK broke the bed, SK can have his mattress on the floor until BM replaces it. BM's home. BM's responsibility.
Sister wife
Sounds like you have a sister wife... only she doesn't have to provide any of the "needs" for your husband.... she just gets the spoils.
This is a battle to pick on
That there should be no exter money to BM. You should have a conversation with DH on paper to not change what's agreed on. Topic exter money. Amount of money on Birthday gifts,... holiday gifts. School Supplys...school clothing...sports teams...
'And that's it. He is not supporting BM beyond CS. He is not redecorating BM home every time she gets a bug up her a**. BM see you are moving into a new home and she trying to be in control. No money for a bed. If DH send money this would be a hill to died on. Either you stop this nonsense or you will never have anything.
UPDATE
He went halves with BM on a second hand bed for SS, told her if he breaks this because she's allowing him to jump on the bed then he won't be getting/contributing to another. SD is annoyed she hasn't got a new bed the same style as SS and has says she's going to break hers now also. Partner told BM not to ask him if this happens.
I've mentioned getting a court order put in place but as suspected, he doesn't want the hassle that will come as he knows BM will be difficult and try make things messy. I'm going to bring it up again at another point, i believe it's something that needs to be put in place, especially since BM's demands seem to be getting more and more and more--i see no end to this any other way
A court order can be a risk
A court order can be a risk if he has any worries that what he is paying now is less than he would otherwise be asked to pay.. and that he might also see his kids less.
BUT.. he should at least talk to a lawyer to see what his options truly would be. I get that it is a hassle.. but what he is going now is death through a thousand cuts.. it's hassle upon hassle and the "i needs.. upon I needs".
Now.. even if he has a CO.. and child support.. that doesn't necessarily mean he won't fork out extra money for his kids.. both parents splitting the cost of school supplies and uniforms.. school trips.. medical bills etc.. The CS generally should cover the cost of housing (yes.. he pays for part of the house they live in).. transportation needs for the household.. utilities.. groceries.. sundries.. pocket money (allowance)... meals out.. etc.. etc.. he doesn't get to dictate how BM spends it.. but the court ordered amounts usually are intended to cover those kinds of things. Extra curricular sports, medical expenses etc.. are EXTRAs he will likely still pay for.
The 200 she spent on school supplies and uniforms may well have only purchased a few things.. I mean.. just one pair of shoes could cost a chunk... I did some looking and in 2020 the average cost of uniforms for a primary school student was over 300.. so if she didn't get a ton.. then it may be because mom did have to skimp. The girl may have also needed other things like undergarments.. stockings.. and some may have gone to the brother's school clothes. When you look at it that way.. I don't really think he overpayed.
Look.. I absolutely agree that he should not be paying directly to furnish her home.. THAT should be coming out of CS... but whithout knowing whether he is paying the "right" amount for that.. it's hard to say.
BUT.. it doesn't hurt for him to go to a lawyer to at least find out what the true damage would be. Maybe he finds they advise he will pay 2x the amount he does now.. and still have to pay extras.. maybe they will warn that BM will go for full custody to maximize her payments.. cutting his time with his kids. He doesn't know the potential for his case without talking to a lawyer who is an expert in this area. It would be money well spent to make sure he is not overpaying now.
I did a "schools shop" for SD
I did a "schools shop" for SD for everything she would need (including socks, undies, tights, new hair ties... the little things), shoe's from a brand that is known for their longevity--as opposed to the cheap primark shoes BM buys her which have needed replacing 3 times since September. I managed to get everything and extras, minus a new coat for £150 ! This is why I don't see how that £200 could have all gone on her school needs when £150 covered everything she has and way more.
Based on the gov CS calculator, for the the amount of time that my partner has the children he's paying enough CS, but if I'm right, the calculator only gives a close estimate and not an exact number. So he's paying enough, give or take.
I agree, speaking with a solicitor is the right thing to do, I wouldn't have him jump into a CO without any legal advice first... Honestly, it's not even the extra bits of money that's the main issue, though it is annoying, it's the threats of not being home on time just to try and "prove a point".
When getting her to agree to drop off on a school night being no later than 8:30PM she threatened to not be home and not answer the door in the morning when my partner said he'd drop them at 5AM on his way to work since they can't miss school due to her pettiness... All because she wants to stay out until gone 11PM... and the fact there's nothing legally binding either of them to their current agreement means she really can do that and we'd have no leg to stand on
BM may not have been quite
BM may not have been quite the bargain shopper you were.. and she may have also gotten some "play clothes".. and some could have gone to school supplies.. or to pay for school fees. I googled the cost estimate.. so some people must be paying more somewhere..lol.
In the end.. if he would prefer to procure and shop for everything.. I guess that would be his option for next year? Because I do think that when you are paying for specific extras.. it is sometimes best to directly provide the extras.. vs money that can be a bit more difficult to confirm gets spent on the correct things.
Child support.. he really doesn't have a say in that.. Extras like school uniforms and supplies.. it sounds like he might be better off shopping himself.. I don't agree that he should have purchased furniture for his Ex'es house.. even if it was for the kids.. that should have been her obligation.. since I'm fairly certain he also has a bed for her at his house already.
He's already paid for it in
He's already paid for it in his CS. This is on BM to deal with.
Well seems like that age-old problem
I recall those days of "do for bm so as not to rock the boat".
Well, he purchased I think 3 diff beds "because its for the childreeeeen, those are my kiddddds".
to go in BMs apartment. And assembled then dissassembled a few diff times.
I had to back off, because he would lose his temper on me and Im over it. But I dont have my own kids, and we have separate finances.
If she's having trouble
If she's having trouble supporting the skids maybe the threat of full custody for dad might wake her up. I firmly believe in a court order. It puts a framework around parenting and expectations. It costs money to get one but in the long it just might save him money , just to be rid of the constant requests for money.
he's said a million times he
he's said a million times he'll take full custody and she won't give it up. they had a mediation meeting yesterday and even the woman in there said perhaps dad should take full custody and she still straight refused because she doesn't want me doing school runs
Get it in front of a Judge.
Get it in front of a Judge. BM can't refuse to give up custody without severe consequences if a Judges orders that Dad is now the CP.
How old are the kids? If
How old are the kids? If they are still young I would want a CO. This way your SO knows exactly what he should be paying for. Maybe it will seem like more but in the long run he will be getting nickeled and dimed by BM and cost him more. BM will also try to make him seem like a bad dad if he is not helping out and at least if there is a CO he has something to go by. Plus it could help get a better schedule set if you go to court. These are my opinions from being with some with no CO. He is walked all over.
He's set in his ways, i
He's set in his ways, i brought it up to him again the other night and because when they first separated they agreed he would pay 200 a month and buy anything they needed that she couldn't cover, he doesn't feel like he can change it. I said to him that agreement worked when you were single and your money was only yours but now We have a child together. Giving BM money whenever she demands because "well the kids need it and i said i would" doesn't really cut it anymore. What if our daughter needed nappies or formula and we couldn’t get it because you used the last of the money to get a new bed for your son at BMs house?
He's slowly coming round to the idea of a CO, it's the cost of it that keeps throwing him off. I'll chuck a couple hundred towards it if it means this wretched woman stops milking money and time out of him