SO wants me to be more involved with his children
So basically I just had a conversation with SO about how his kids (8,10 and 11 all boys) feel about me (we've been together 3 years) , he asked them how they find me and they basically just said "she is ok". He asked more questions so they could open up and they said I cook for them and I sometimes ask them few questions about their day and that's it.
We've been having this issue and many conversations about it for the past year. We have an ours baby girl and I have a daughter (11yo) from my previous relationship. He said they don't really like coming to my place because I'm not fun and I don't talk too much, I am naturally and genuinely very quiet person, trust me I hate it, and I feel distressed and under pressure when I have these conversations over and over again with SO.
SO said they change as soon as they come to my place, they're automatically all miserable and bored (I can see that and it makes me feel so uncomfortable) I've told him that I cook and I make sure they are treated equally whilst they are in my house and that's my way to show that I care, they're good kids, they respect me and I respect them. Also when they're here they never talk to me if they need help or assistance with something, I can literally be sitting next to them and they will ask SO if they need something, the whole situation is just uncomfortable and awkward sometimes.
I told SO that they come here to see him not me, and that if I wanted I could just stay in my bedroom while they're here but I don't, he sometimes stays in the bedroom "finishing work" and when I come to see what he's doing he's either sleeping or watching tv, I always stay in the living room with them when SO goes to the bedroom so they don't feel "abandoned", they play with baby girl or just watch tv or play on their devices.
I just want someone else's pov and if I'm in the wrong please advise me on how can I improve in this?
Just for context, we're not married, he has his own place but only goes over there with them once a month (they live in my area so it's easier to come to mine) I am not involved in the co parenting, he co parents with BM only and I don't really know what's going on in their day to day since SO doesn't say much about it unless I ask him
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Sounds like he needs to take
Sounds like he needs to take his failed family progeny visitation as his place. He can be in your when they are with BM. That way, he can focus on them without distraction (read that... if he hides in his room that is on him), and when he is with you and and your family including the child he shares with you, you are not the default daddy is hiding child entertainment and oversight beck and call girl.
You have no duty to people who criticize how you care for and feed them.
So, he can have his at his place, you can share yours at your place.
Keep it simple. (KISS).
You aren't there to be their
You aren't there to be their entertainment. You cook for them and are polite and ask about their day. That's more than enough. What does he want you to do, tap dance?
The fantasy
Many of these men have a fantasy that the new woman in their lives will automatically love their kids unconditionally, want to spend time with them want to lavish attention and money on them and (the point) be like a replacement mother so they don't have to do so much.
I think you're doing enough.
Yes! DH had this fantasy for
Yes! DH had this fantasy for SURE with me. BUT he didn't realize that I also demanded parenting (from both me and him) and he wasn't prepared for that. I wasn't their entertainment (I tried for a bit and had crazy results so stopped), their personal chef or event planner. I couldn't do all that be not be expected to make sure rules and expectations were in place, much less uphold them.
The BF should be the one taking the lead to plan things, with your approval (no planning something and not tell OP at the last minute). What do the kids expect ? Do they push back on the OP if she puts herself out there? Has the BF fostered a relationship between them or just done nothing? Likely nothing.
My DH was, and is, a disengaged parent. Retreats from most daily things, doesn't know what to do with kids when they are here, finds it hard to communicate with them, hard to plan, etc. and there's nothing to OP can do to fix that.
OP continue on as you are. If your BF complains, let him know exactly what he could be doing with them, not infront of them, and not in anger. I consistently did, and do, this with DH to push it back on him. Not my job.
This ! He also complains that
This ! He also complains that he's the one taking the initiative to plan activities with everyone, I don't go out that much (I'm from abroad and don't really have any friends) and I have suggested some places to go just to be told "we've been there already" "hmm not sure about that".
He gets offended when I tell him that I don't have to do nothing with them, he says that I don't understand his position and immediately ends the conversation
Ummm... no. You understand
Ummm... no. You understand his position perfectly. He has a fantasy about you being their parent. He clearly doesn't understand that you are simply his SO and are not their parent in any way. If something happened to him, even if you wanted to take care of them, you would have absolutely no right to do so.
IMO HE doesn't understand YOUR position ... and doesn't care to find out.
Absolutely.
DW and I had this discussion early in our marriage. In the event of her demise while SS was a minor, I was committed to do what I could to gain custody. Which I may have been able to do since the SpermClan in all likelihood would have taken a payoff. And not all that much.
In the event I could not gain custody the plan was to fight for visitation to maintain a relationship with SS until he reached the age of majority at which point, if he was worthy, I would pay for his university studies and work towards an adult adoption. Our Will leaves everything to the other as sole heir and beneficiary. Not one cent was to go to the SpermClan if they retained custody.
In the event of our joint demise my family would have gone to war with the SpermClan to gain custody. Likely unsuccessfully, but they would have done it with vigor. Our estate would have gone into trust for SS upon his graduation with a bachelor's degree or turning 40 whichever occurs first. Not one cent was to go to the SpermClan ever. Not even in support of SS as a minor.
SPs have no official standing other than protection of Skid safety when they are in our presence. Unless they are assigned guardianship via their spouse and the courts.
As I understand it anyway.
Ye olde
"One big happy family" model. Your H wants you to do the parenting heavy lifting for him. Very common.
Your cue to actually start doing LESS aka slowly disengaging as SM can bend over backwards and they would still complain.
Thank you for your answers, I
Thank you for your answers, I really wanted to know if I was doing something wrong, specially because I also had BM telling DH that I should be doing more with the kids. Everything was "fine" until they told her all these things. DH rang her during his parenting time and asked her what was going on with the middle child because he's been having an attitude lately, and she told him all these things the kids said. And DH answer was "I will speak to her, this is something that can be worked on" so I felt that everyone was against me
Becca, having read both your
Becca, having read both your post today and that of Sun,10/08/2023, I have steam pouring from my geriatric ears. Your SO, after communicating with his ex-partner, tells her;
~ "I will speak to her, this is something that can be worked on"…~
WHAT!? Who in the world is running the show called your marriage? Since when does an ex dictate what goes on in your household and how dare your SO allow her interference? Hon, your relationship with your SO’s sons is none of his ex’s business! Further, they are not your children and any concerns about their attitudes or upbringing are solely the responsibility of their parents.
It’s clear that BM is far too involved in your affairs and, worse still, your SO, in addition to making no effort to curb the woman’s meddling, appears to be encouraging it. Forgive my candour, but your partner acts like a rigid, gas-lighting, unreasonable man. Perhaps the discrepancy in your ages is a factor in the way he bullies and bulldozes you but for whatever reason, I doubt that you’ll find true happiness in this unjust partnership.
Your SO has neither the desire nor the intent to change your family dynamic. In your shoes, I’d be consulting a lawyer and planning my escape.
1000%
1000%
The parents,CANNOT put the blame on you. There have been times when I have NOT kept disengaged and this would be one it I were OP. Hell to the NO.
Or, give him what he wants.
Or, give him what he wants.
Set and enforce the standards of behavior and performance. Tolerate nothing less than the SKids being well behaved, respectful, immediately compliant quality children who do what their told when they are told. Make sure DH is clear that the same applies to him. He mans up, parents, and partners with you.
See how they like getting what they wish for.
Enjoy!
Since my last post, things
Since my last post, things has not changed too much, SO now avoids telling me anything about BM and the kids because he says I'll use it against him. In my first post I can see that I used the term DH, i was new to these step parents forums/blogs and I didn't know it meant Dear Husband I thought it was used to refer to the parter in general.
Anyways, I tried to parent once and they didn't like it because I told them off and then called SO to tell him what was going on in the house (he had to work during his parenting time and asked me to watch them)
I also think the age has a lot to do, when I voice my feelings (we still have arguments about the same things) he says he's a grown man and doesn't have to put up with non of that, all he wants is peace.
I breaks my heart to think about leaving :(
he had to work during his
If he is paying his BM child support then his BM needs to
watch those kids while he works bc that is what he pays her cs for.
Otherwise if you agree to take those kids while he works just know 1. As long as you're not abusive then Those kids do as you say PERIOD and 2. he could totally abuse you making you perform FREE childcare and use any money he accumulates at work (during his parenting time) on himself, his kids, and paying his exwife/kids mother.
Get your compensation from him or tell him NO
This might not be the
This might not be the relationship for you.
100%
DH wants that"HAPPY FAMILY ". That he wanted with BM. And didn't work out [ divorce ]. He wants you in the role of BM. Loving him and his kids. Willing to take a bulllet for his kids, love them to death. To feel about his lids as you do to your bio child.
unfortunately this is not possible, he doesn't understand that. His understanding of Happy Family may be a fantasyland to begin with.
'You have a BM to contend with. You have BM trying to control your life.
Your problem is you will never give DH what he wants. No one but BM can do that. You can do that with your bio kid but not your SK. He needs help to understand this.
Usually when dudes want you
Usually when dudes want you to be "more involved" with their kids from their prior relationships this means.... "I want you do to more emotional/physical labor so I (and my exwife who chose to birth those kids) can kick our feet up and rest on the back of a 'strong' unsuspecting woman"
Just say NO!!!
Make it a hard no with a final answer/zero debate
Always outline UPFRONT what type of role you prefer to play (mentor, bonus mom, full on step mom) before getting in too deep or you risk these men draining your resources to benefit only them, their ex wives, and their kids
Reclaim your benefits out of this so you don't end up resentful