Struggling with Balancing Responsibility with SD
I have a SD who is 16, i have been in her life for the past 5 years and as much as she is a good kid and doesnt enact any verbal abuse she is very lazy, arrogant and a typical teenager. I can accept her being a typical teenager but my partner has no interest in verbally giving discipline or consequences. We are both full time workers and for family stability i have taken on extra work to afford my partner and SD a lifestyle better than most. I get home from work with heating on full blast and my step-daughter wearing shorts and thin tshirts, no cleaning has been done when she has been home all day and i come in and say hello and just get ignored. We give all maintenance supplied by the Biological Father to her directly for her to learn responsibility but she squanders it away and ill ask her to do something and all i get back is attitude. I dont see her as the problem but when i confront my partner about it she says i "expected too much from her" all i want is for her to be a responsbile young adult and learn. My partner is more scared of my SD from running off to her dad than actually maintaining a respectable relationship putting pressure on both me and partner. I hold my emotions away and dont say anything but any sort of distress and my partner is happy to ruin my day and have an argument with me over her stresses. feels like im the punching bag and if i do anything about it im in the wrong. How do i get my partner to either be a stronger parent or allow me to be involved with parenting without an argument? i do everything for my partner and SD but it never seems to be enough
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You are giving this kid the
You are giving this kid the money her dad provides.. that money is to support her. her food.. housing.. transportation. I don't have an issue with giving her a portion.. after her "upkeep" is removed.. for her to spend on her clothing.. toiletries.. makeup but all of it? unless it's a pittance.. there is no part of giving a teen girl loads of access to funds that will teach them responsibility.. it will teach them to not value money that is simply given to them for their existance.. it is actually doing the opposite.
The child support is "for the child" but in the sense it is to care for the child's needs.. not spoil them.
I agree, child support is NOT
I agree, child support is NOT pocket money. Look, you are working far too much to give them a good life. The child support should be covering the cost of excess heating caused by your SD. (Can you block the thermostat at a decent temperature so that she can't jack it up?)
You should not be working to keep the kid happy. If having her there is too expensive for your household budget then her mother should be the one with the second job, especially as she throws away all her child support.
How do you expect her to learn about money if she has now bills, no responsibilities? Throwing money at her will teach her absolutely nothing.
One more thing
About the title to your post, you are aware that your SD is in absolutely no way your responsibility, don't you? At best, you are just her mother's boyfriend. Let her mother worry about where the money is coming from. You shouldn't be paying more than 1/3 of the rent/mortgage, the utilities, the groceries, etc. Put the responsibility back where it belongs.
Suggest effective parenting skills
Suggest to your SO that you both attend effective parenting skills. If you say both of you, including yourself, she will not be offended and think you are insinuating that she doesn't know how to parent. The parenting skills will empower her to know how to discipline, to apply the suitable parenting style. Some bio parents are afraid of losing their kids to the other parent, so instead of disciplining, they ignore and choose to be the good cop parent. However, that does not help in moulding the kid to be a responsible adult in future.
The parenting skills programme can help strenghten the existing parenting skills. When we have kids, we don't get a manual, sometimes we make mistakes thinking it is what is best for the kid, whereas we are messing that kid up. Therefore, professionals are there to offer empowerment to parents to ensure that this world has responsible independent young adults. Perhaps after this programme, your SO will soon realise a whole lot of things that you were trying to correct and she didn't see it that way then.
With your situation, it is imperative to voice out how you feel, bottling up the emotions only creates resentment and bitterness. Talk it out with your SO, try to get her to put herself in your shoes. There are situations that require one to keep to themselves, then there are those that require communication between partners, yours is one of those.
If parenting skills does not materialise, i.e she refuses to attend, buy a parenting book and suggest you both read together during your spare time.
My advice
My advice is to leave and find someone your own age who will really value you.
I don't often jump straight to leaving but you are being treated like an ATM.
seems like your SD has quite
seems like your SD has quite the life, no responsiblities, handed money for no reason, no consequences, and on top of that her parent have no desire to parent her. So why are you busting your tush to keep them in the lap of luxury? Why are you putting in the work and getting absotootly nothing for it? Please consider dropping the second job and putting that time into counseling for yourself to regain your sense of personal value and to figure out where your line of 'No More' lies.
Stop the craziness
Stop working extra for SD to blow it. DW/SO should be paying 2/3 of expenses. No free ride, see how that works out with SO paying 2/3 of the heat and electric bill
CS should be covering the
CS should be covering the electric bill if SD is cranking it on all the time without asking. SMH. If she viewed it as "her money" being spent on it, I'm sure she would go put on a sweatshirt (DH has told SD13 that before when she complains about the temp.)
Personally, I wouldn't be giving CS directly to SD. Once all the "needs" have been paid (clothes, food, medical bills, etc.) I would put any extra in some sort of savings account. That way if SD wants a bigger purchase she can ask.
I think a weekly "allowance" from the CS would be plenty (let's say $20) for if she wants to go to the movies, etc. But allowance should ONLY be if she does her chores.
If your SO views SD as deserving just for walking the precious earth, then you have a whole different problem.
Balancing Responsibilities
Balancing Responsibilities is the least of your problems here!
1. SD16 should be held accountable for treating you badly. A minimum of respectful behavior is required of her. Take this up wit partner and if you continue to be gaslighted into thinking its you who is doing wrong, then correct that behavior and call it out each time.
2. Child support money should not be given to child. After relating this to partner, start mentioning there will be a new improved budgeting/bill paying system. The partner can figure it out from there.
3. Start squirreling you money away in case you need to move on and out of there.
You are not being treated as an equity partner. The bio parent is the issue as she is failing to parent her child.
OSD cranked up the thermostat
OSD cranked up the thermostat for hours at our home once. She had been pushing it leading up to that afternoon. Not wearing socks, no sweaters just t-shirts, etc. Iwalked in first and she was lying on the chair, pleased as punch with the furnace working and the temp set to the high 80s. She'd been home for several hours.
I absolutely got on her about it. DH mumbled something non-committal as usual. Then I bought a locking, programmable thermostat. No one but me knew how to use it. I know they tried because sometimes the time or a general setting was messed up but it solved my problem.
No I did not tell DH I was doing it. I just did it.
F - NO!
CS is paid to the CP to use for the care and feeding of the failed family spawn. It is not given to a 16yo. Money teaches shit for nothing if it is not governed by effective parenting with strict requirements for how it is utilized.
Stop giving a penny to this toxic failed family breeding mistake. Get a programable lockable thermostat and set the temp so no one but you can change it. Not even mommy who obviously is blitheringly clueless on parenting.
Stop working a second job so your DW and her failed family breeding mistake can prance around a warm house in their skivvies. You are being too hard on this 16yo? I think not. If anything, no one is being hard enough.
Cut them off. Tell your mate to get off her ass and earn her own keep and vector the CS to paying household bills. The household she resides in. Rather than you working two or more jobs to cater to that bullshit. Your SO is the one that should be working the second job if she continues to waste the CS money on her failed family breeding mistake.
Take care of you.
Good luck.
I know right? At 16, if
I know right? At 16, if someone had just handed me hundreds (or even thousands?) of dollars every month i would have blown it. This teen gets money to blow while you are working your behind off to keep the heat on?! Just no. This girl is being taught horrible money management and it will follow her throughout her life. She will be like my SO's daughter. Supposedly working while living rent-free in her mid-20's, constantly texting and asking for money for food and gas because she blows her check on weed and takeout.
I was that that kid for my
I was that that kid for my first sophomore year of HS. I was an honor student for 9th grade and was in the NJHS (National Jr. Honor Society). School only went through 9th grade where I was raised so kids had to either attend boarding schools for HS or live with extended family and attend HS.
My parents let me choose which boarding school to attend of those I was accepted to. I chose an incredible school in the US Mountain West region. A very lib arts school with a highly empowered student environment. AKA... little structure or adult oversight. My allowance..... $200/mo.
The low structure/oversight model combined with to damned much money for an allowance is in large part why that was my first sophomore year. Not my proudest moment by any means.
I had no business with that
level of autonomy or money at 15/16yo.
For my second sophomore year and the rest of HS I attended Military School. The one my dad attended. For my second sophomore year, my allowance was $5/wk. I was an honor student that year and for the rest of HS. Though for my Jr. and Sr. years my allowance did return to the $200/mo range.
The structured highly accountabiliy focused environment was exactly what I needed to excel.
Update - Poor outcome
Just as an update for everyone. I spoke to my partner about the issues last night and i have been made to be the problem. I have too high expectations and need to realise that she is a teenager. according to my current partner she is good and is responsible when im not around and that my presence and harshness towards her is making her anxious and not communicate. The talking turned into arguing and i have basically been told that the relationship is over and that if anything is to change then it has to be me and not her. We havent spoke since but my partner has made comments about selling the house which tells me she has one foot out the door and has no intention to work on this relationship.
lost cause and maybe she will find someone who can accept her daugther or be in a non equal relationship.
PS thank you everyone for your advice and information to help me understand the issues and what i should be doing. i appreciate the help from people who have been through or understand what is going on.
What exactly did you try to
What exactly did you try to tell your SO the problem was? Because while I understand that wanting her to be a "better person" is a noble though.. it's not your responsibility.. not your job.. and to an extent.. it's not your choice to decide how she is raised.. because you are not her parent.
What IS your business? The fact that you are supporting them.. working to the bone to have the kid jack up the heat.
I think dealing with THAT is an issue that her mother should be listening to. "I came home yesterday and the heat was set at 82... you may not realize it but keeping it at that level could cost hundreds more a month.. and you and I don't have the money to cover those kinds of bills.. The rule is that the thermostat stays where it is set.. and if it doesn't.. I will have to replace the thermostat with one that I can control at all times"
The other issue is financial.. and the way you deal with it is.. by putting the ball in your partner's court. I will no longer be able to cover your bills and your daughter's bills.. I will need you to contribute X per month to cover these costs..
Trying to tell mom how to raise her daughter as you saw, is a less successful process.
But.. if she owns the house and is looking to sell.. you are right. maybe she is looking to make an exit.. maybe you should consider preparing yourself to leave first.. on your own terms.
My condolences on the demise
My condolences on the demise of your relationship. But... good riddance to your failed parent of a partner and her toxic failed family spawn. Congratulations on the start of your new baggage free life adventure.
Whatever happens, do not let her suck you back in. Retread relationships with a failed parent of a failed partner fail.
Take care of you.
The good news is that she's
The good news is that she's let you off the hook. You may not realise it yet but she's doing you a favour. However, I don't think you've seen the last of her. She hasn't had to pay any of her bills single-handly yet. By that time you'll have tasted freedom and will be enjoying putting yourself first. Do not let her hoover you back in with promises that things will be different this time... because they won't. Well, maybe for a week or two to get you back in line and then things will go right back to the way they were.
You have been warned.