Child support ending dh picks up more payments?
Just looking for thoughts, one of the skids is turning 18. DH was put on child support as a penalty for moving on. Bio mom literally lives off welfare and child support. Doesn't hold a job long but has many other avenues of undocumented income. We have trekked through child support over the years while still getting one of skids every weekend. The skid that is turning 18 was alienated from him being good only girl. We still purchase things and do for her. I am now the breadwinner due to a promotion 2 years ago. I pick up most of our financials. I wanted to know what you guys thought of when skid turns 18 giving her one of our 2017 cars AND putting coverage on it even though she will still be with biomom AND it will be the only car in the house. DH says he will tell her the car is for her not her mom and friends but I told DH if your going to do that you might as well accept that the car will be for her mother because you can't expect her to keep her mother out of the car. I feel like DH is celebrating the end of cs but still picking up another financial obligation and providing a car with insurance to the moms household. If anything I say when skid moves out we give her the car and pay insurance. What do you guys think?
Talk to your insurance agent
Talk to your insurance agent before you do this.
Pretty bold of the man to give away your car when he could use it to drive his butt to work. He needs to pay you back for covering for him.
I don't think it's unusual
I don't think it's unusual for parents to help out kids in early adulthood, but this depends on how you both feel about the cost of insurance (and the fact that you're not benefiting from selling the car). If you both are comfortable with giving SD the (insured) car, do so, but do it with your eyes wide open: BM and who knows who else will be driving it, too, no matter what you say. I'd also suggest putting a deadline date for when SD needs to pick up insurance payments.
Echoing -- talk to your
Echoing -- talk to your insurance agent.
There's lots to consider. Under whose name will it be registered? What are the associated costs of each? The car is not going to be garaged at your home. You can't control who will be driving it. What is your liability if BM or friend gets in a serious accident with injury?
SD is going to be 18. Is she finished high school? If not, will she be working part time to pay for gas? Who pays for repairs (oil change, brakes, etc)? If SD finished school is she going to work or college? If working, how long will he subsidize?
DH has more than one kid. If you do it for one, are you planning to do it for all?
Very good answer
DH plans to put the car in SDs name, SD has no college plans, he wants to be able to give her a start when she turns 18. I think if your going to send a car over when she turns 18 in her name.. being the only family car in that house... you might as well go on and send it now as a gift to the house. I'd much rather tell her "hey when you go to move out on your own... don't worry about a car or insurance" rather than put a car in a home with a history and high incidence rate of wrecked cars. As for gas and repairs, who knows... he will probably foot that too or watch his car go straight down the drain. Not going to lie, I don't like the idea of putting another car into that household as the only car under the guise of "my baby will need a car" because news flash your baby probably won't even get to drive the car. If he plans to get cars for his kids when they turn 18 more power to him. He will also take one of these bills off of me each time as well. I couldn't imagine if the tables were turned.
Addition
I want to add that I have an older son turning 18 this year before SD. Dhs car will be paid off this year. I took over most bills allowing him to afford the car payment because he was paying so much child support. I guess this is why I feel wrong. I feel like it's a decision we should both make considering we have multiple children. How can I approach the convo?
Got it. SD benefits from your
Got it. SD benefits from your sacrifice and the car deal has not been your idea or decision. Can you tell DH that you would like to recoup some of the extra that you put into your household because of his CS (so, in reality, you were helping to pay CS); therefore, you would prefer that planned insurance $$$ goes into your account? That is only fair. I would also discuss with him the alternative of selling his car if he no longer wants it. Then put the proceeds in your household account. Or suggest an alternative such as help out SD with a car when she moves out of her mother's house and works full-time for x number of months. Make her earn it. Did you mention she had been alienated? Is this whole thing about winning her back?
I went through this when CS ended and Pwecious Pwincess, who hadn't spoken to DH in over two years, wanted to go to a private out-of-state college that DH disapproved of (unbelievable). He bent over and contributed to the costs, and our household suffered for it. I was very resentful--the ex and skids were enjoying full-blown vacations and always the latest in technology while we couldn't afford a weekend away during that time (I couldn't help thinking this was planned in some way). We did discuss all of this, of course, and he later made it up to me, taking on most of our bills.
Preach Girl!
Yes! I feel that is exactly what it is. A way to show " daddy's been here all along .. see don't you love me?"
Yes, I do resent the years of hearing.."I can't afford that until my car payment or cs is over" or "I hate how we are so limited while I pay all of this cs" and then you TURN AROUND and as soon as you pay off the car that in my head was a "I got you always and this will better our household"... hand it over to your BM house!?! Then what? Turn around and look at me to help you foot another!? While you (WE) poured hundreds of thousands into that household by the time they are all grown.
That goes with anything guys... all BM has to do is NOT DO IT and here's Superman to the rescue. Hair, clothes, big ticket items. It ends up making me feel like the help. Granted, he is a great man as far as how he treats me and manages finances... which then makes me feel guilty but it's like geez dude... can't we at least wait until she shows you she ready to be a responsible adult? I want to ask "who was here picking up the financial pieces when she threw you on child support out of greed and fear of me getting more child support if we split. Kept your kids from you and crippled us financially until I got my promotions??" even though I witnessed him giving her more than she would ever receive through court weekly, she literally never held a job! Then I come along and am independent and want to build an actual partered palace but it's like she gets more of the benefit really.
Not to mention there is resentment because they literally break everything they touch and ransack our pantry when they come. They're sneaky, they rummage through our mail and if he and I even sound like we are about to argue boom there they are asking "do you guys even like each other?" We have never even full blown argued in front of them. All I see is $$$$$ and this convo being a part of our lives forever. Every holiday rushing to make sure we get what they ask for and dragging his feet with our child. She only dangles them in enough to keep him drooling and his wallet available. I also feel that she uses them as a permanent hook in our lives and as they are all almost grown it's like they are in on the shenanigans. They have admitted that they're mother forbids them from liking me. Although DH commands respect in our home, all I get is "hello" and "can I have this" "where's my dad?" There will never be a true connection.
sorry
I guess this is why I feel
You feel it is wrong because it is wrong! DH is prioritizing SD over everyone else (his others, yours, you) and expects everyone to be fine with it.
Check with your insurance company, I don't think they will let
Check with your insurance company, I don't think they will let you do this. And if you lie about it, and SD or BM get in a wreck, you could end up in a bad situation. I think it is much better to give her the car, let her title it in her name and get her own insurance. If DH wants to give her money every month towards insurance, he could do that, but no good will come from you keeping any ties to the car. And honestly, until DH starts bringing in his share of income to your household, he shouldn't be giving her any money.
Thank you!
I agree and I hope they do not allow. BM has wrecked not 5 but 7 cars when they were together! All on his dime every single time...while she sat at home.
I'm working and contributing and it's like it doesn't matter.
Tell him to sell the car and
Tell him to sell the car and then split the proceeds between the two kids. You can each choose how to give/spend that money for your own kid. This way it is fair to both kids and he starts paying you back for subsidizing him over the years.
Sounds to me...
Like he is using you for money and has zero appreciation fpr.what you do for him.
This is cringy
IMO. You're the main bread winner and he expects you to pay for insurance and upkeep gas on a free car for this young lady? He's grooming the daughter to follow in the Bio Moms footsteps. Sorry, I wouldn't do it.
We gave SS-31 a brand new car
We gave SS-31 a brand new car after he turned 18. It was a combination 18th B-day, Christmas, HS Graduation, USAF enlistment gift. His mom and I felt that it was the final thing we could do for him as he launched into his adult life.
Though there was no risk of it benefiting the SpermClan in any way. Their CS ended on his 18th B-day. After that they tried to bury SS in guilt over his starving underpriveledged 3 younger Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas. The final nail in the coffin of him writing them off nearly completely was when they demanded that he repay the CS they had paid on him over the 16+ years of the CO. That turned his stomache to the point that he was and has been done with them for 10+ years.
As for any marital income or dollars going to a former CS burden child...nope. Not without clear and extremely strictly defined limits.
When a SParent says no, it means no once the Skid ages out from under the CO.
I for one, would not support a vehicle for a SKidult that was living with the X. Unless... there is a biometric limiter on who can start and drive the car.
Consider putting a fingerprint scanner in the vehicle so that SD and only SD can drive it. Only authorized fingerprints can start the car. You/DH can control what fingerprints or retina scan eyeball can start the vehicle.
Fingerprint car locks, biometrics car lock, fingerprint car door lock, fingerprint car immobilizer, fingerprint car security alarm, Biometric fingerprint car vehicle door immobilizer lock,Secure Car rental, fingerprint truck motorcycle starter kit, motorcycle car fingerprint (automobile-security.com)
And for fun ... A good way to give a big FU to BM. That car sitting in the driveway at BM's while BM can't even get it unless SD lets her in, and there is no way for BM to drive it..... HA!
Protect your asset from a toxic X. I would.
Also
He said just gifting her the car wouldn't be fair because "she's going to need insurance to start her life" "how will she get back and forth!?" So as usual he feels obligated to be that parent.
Or.... gift the car to SD,
Or.... gift the car to SD, force her to register the title in her name. Insurance then is on her.
For sure I would remove all risk of liability for that car, injury SD or BM, etc... may cause while driving it, etc...... If you own the car and SD or BM hurt or kill someone with it.... you may have huge financial exposure.
We did this with my SIL when DW had guardianship of her. We bought a 3rd car for her use. After she turned 18 and chose to move back to SpermLand, we decided to give her the car. I put new tires on it, had it fully serviced, etc...We flew MIL out to do the cross country drive back to SpermLand with SIL. We had instructed SIL to get the title and registration transferred to her name before she left. She didn't do that. So, we did not let them leave until she presented us with the completed title transfer and registration. There was tension when MIL got her bloomers in a twist and played the "If this is a problem we will just fly home." Oh hell no. I told DW, MIL, and SIL that we had generously provided a vehicle and paid for SIL's first year of college and MIL and SIL were drivign that car all the way back to SpermLand even if I had to follow them the entire 2336 miles.
That was a tense weekend until SIL got the paperwork completed on Monday. They left as soon as SIL got back from the County Clerks office.
I was hot that weekend. I was working a road warrior role and flew at the end of every week and out the beginning of the next week. Dealthing with their toothless moron crap chapped my ass.
Karma? SIL now owes well over $100k in unforgivable school loans on a degree she will never complete. The only reason she could transfer back to a local SpermLand university is because DW got her into her alma matter and forced SIL to go to every class, complete every assignment, and proofed and forced editing and rewrites on every initially barely literate paper SIL wrote.
SIL, nearly 20 years later, still whines and pouts about how "mean" we were when she lived with us. The deal was, she did the yard, was home when SS (then 12yo), and kept the basic house keeping duties. We paid for college, she was a part of the family on vacations with us, went out to meals with us, etc, etc, etc..... Now, she gives us her Christmas list with things kike "Pay off my house, buy me a new car, pay off my school loans, etc...." written in her barlely literate and nearly illegible hand writing at the top of the gift list print out.
Thank you RAGS!
Thanks so much for your input!
since I definitely know that DH won't go the biometric route. When the day comes where he's ready to hand it over. I've decided to give an ultimatum and request a portion of my finances back that contributed to him being able to pay the car off. I'm going to wait this one out and see if he has thought about my feelings toward it. If BM was self sufficient and hadn't sucked him dry it'd be a different story. But I just don't think it's the right decision. I wish he thought like you or could at least have some of the insight. I ask him why he doesn't apply for custody of his Holy Gift SS. He says child support will increase significantly because he does now make more than when cs started. That's it. So I guess I just have to deal with never feeling like we have a life and don't owe something to them at all times. Sometimes I want to tell him to go try to work it out with her for the sake of at least the son he worships. When he's not here they're texting or playing online together. It's like id rather he live here than to be slightly controlled by his past.
i hope i make sense
He says child support will
I would not take his word for this. There should be an online CS calculator for your state. Look I it up and you will get a better idea of what CS will be if it is recalculated. It may not be exact, but it should be close.
If your H can't even pay half
If your H can't even pay half the household bills, then he can't afford to be giving away a car. Why is this even being discussed??
With CS ending, it's a good time to recalibrate your household finances. Hold your H accountable! Stop picking up his slack and start prioritizing your own finances and retirement accounts. Put yourself first, because in step life, no one else will.
Also, it's very common for deadbeat BMs to kick their meal ticket, uh, darling kids out once the gravy train stops. Are you willing to house and support an adult SD who has no life plan? Make it clear NOW that no adults will be allowed to live with you and you'll save yourself a ton of grief later.
Why is your husband not
Why is your husband not working? I would not agree to him taking on any cost when he isn't contributing to the household in any meaningful way.
I think that your husband has
I think that your husband has been relying on you to pickup the tab for so long that he has lost touch not only with the world of hard work but also the reality of the value of money. He has started to think that money just grows on trees. Only it doesn't.
You said that he wanted to give his daughter one of your (plural) cars, so that means it's at least partly yours. Put your foot down and veto that PDQ. What's he going to pay the insurance with? Positive thoughts? Monopoly money?
I suggest you draw up a spreadsheet of all the bills that you and he have paid over the years that goes all the way back to the beginning of your relationship. Then weight it for his kids according to the number of days they are there (according to the CO) and the number of kids so that it shows how much he should have been paying. The point is to know how much you have paid for him over time. Once you are faced with the enormity of the final figure, slap yourself hard for letting things reach this point. Now take this to him and tell him that no way in HELL is anything you have even partly paid for being thrown into the skids' black hole of oblibvion and that he must be utterly crazy to imagine you'd bend over backwards to squander any of your hard earned belongings.
You have contributed more than enough to his children's comfort, time for this to stop.
No on giving up the car
Does yourr DH work?
Yes
He works guys! I just make more. I did not make more however until here in the last 2 years but have always gone 50/50 with him. Some moments 40/60, 60/40... you get the idea.
Oops!
My apologies, I must have mixed you up with another poster. Sorry! No offence intended!
Child support ending... ends all support.
Unless otherwise stipulated in the CO.
KISS
So many make this crap much more complicated than it needs to be.
We were fortunate, in many ways, in that SS is an only child in our world, DW had full physical and legal custody from birth, and she left SpermLand for University right after HS with then 13mo old SS on her him and never returned there to live. So we had long distance visitation.
In the situation you are in, I would minimize all financial responsibility possible. This Skid is 18 and out of HS, cut her off completely. I would force her to title the car in her name and break any liability exposure to that car. If DH is on the hook for continued CS due to a younger failed family progeny with BM, she can pay for insurance for the car. If you agree, you and DH can provide direct contributions to the elder Skid via paying tuition directly to the school she attends upon her providing proof of good accademic standing, etc. Do it in ways that do not provide any ability for it to benefit BM or for OSD to make any autonamous choices with those resources.
Once she ages out from under the CO, her transportation is not DH's problem. He needs to keep vectoring her to mommy since... she lives with mommy, etc...
IMHO of course.