My boyfriend always wants me to watch his kids so he can go coach basketball
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now, I have 2 kids of my own that are 18 (obvioulsy an adult) and a 16 year old. They are clearly self sufficient. He is always leaving his kids with me (which he shares custody of them 1 week on 1 week off) because he is a high school basketball coach. I don't mind helping out every now and again but I have my own kids I need to worry about. My daughter has a very busy volleyball schedule (my kids dad isn't in the picture) so I am responsible for getting her to and from her own stuff but he has become more and more reliant on me to keep them while he goes and coaches.
Some nights I just want some quiet since our lives are always on the go, usually 6 days out of 7 we are running from one sport to another. I love his kids but at the same time it's not my job to care for his kids when I NEVER ask him for anything with mine. I just want to know am I being unreasonable in not wanting to have them all the time? I have been there done that with my own kids and his kids are lucky enough to have their mom in their lives. It bothers me because I always feel like I can't so no to him because he says "its a partnership and we help each oher out" but I am the only one that helps. I know there will be some bad comments but I have to know if I am alone in this? Being a step parent isn't an issue it's being the person who spends more time with his kids than he does because he is off doing his thing with OTHER kids that aren't his. HELP!!!!! I don't know how much longer I can do this, I have raised my kids and I don't feel like it should always be on me to raise his.
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You are not being
You are not being unreasonable, his kids are not your responsibility and being his partner doesn't make it so. What would he do if he didn't have you to watch them? His copout line about partners helping each other out is just him manipulating you. You helping him out would be you watching his kids every now and then, not all of the time.
I've been a step mother for 27 years, since my SD was 5 years old. My husband asked me to watch her ONE time, for 4 hours, because he had to work for half a day on a Saturday.
He needs to find other arrangements, it's not fair to you.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your insight on all of this, it is really nice to know that I am not alone. I am always with them and it's just exhasting because I work so much and the last thing I want to do is take care of them when all I want to do is shut off sometimes. He doesn't seem to think that it's too much for me which irritates me even more. UGH the role of a step parent is never easy lol
I assume you know his
I assume you know his coaching schedule. Can you make other plans to be out of the house? Sign up for a class or something for your kids so he can't dump his kids on you.
You said, "It bothers me because I always feel like I can't so no to him because he says "its a partnership and we help each oher out" but I am the only one that helps."
You can say no to him, but there is clearly a penalty for doing so and that's not cool at all.
You won't get crap from us. Most of us are on board with "nacho kids." It's HIS job to take care of his kids. I read your previous post about how his 7 year old has ADHD and both of his kids are spoiled. I'll bet if he were a better parent or showed some gratitude for how you HELP him, you might feel differently.
I do know his schedule, he
I do know his schedule, he coaches every single day besides Sundays as that is a no contact day for high school sports so it's 6 nights a week he is gone, on the weeks we don't have his kids I just want to spend time with him but he's off to basketball. He travels quite a bit for work for about 5 months of the year so I feel like "my time" is always given up by something else.
I am all about being a team player here and helping out every now and again but I too need space and time to reset. I tell him all the time "not my circus not my monkeys" but yet here I am under the damn top chasing the monkeys around. *wacko*
I just dont know how to have the conversation with him without making him think I don't want to be around them.... I just don't want to be around them ALL THE TIME when he is supposed to have them on his weeks.
Ask him why he doesn't take
Ask him why he doesn't take them to basketball with him. He will say that he's "working" or busy and they will be bored and underfoot. M'kay, well why is it okay for them to be bored and underfoot with YOU? Why does he feel comfortable putting that on you.
Additionally, at the age of 11, his daughter (most likely) can be left at home alone AND keep an eye on her brother. AND she should be capable enough to fix herself and her brother a sandwich, mac and cheese or a bowl of cereal for dinner.
Tell him "It's too much". If he balked at leaving them home alone, then remind him they are there to SEE HIM, not you or your house.
Does he only coach basketball or are there spring sports he's coaching? I would let him know that if he plans on coaching next season, they should be with their mom while he's working and during weekend visitation, they need to be whereever he is. If that's not feasible, they should just stay with their mom OR he should give up coaching.
It's not that he doesn't want
It's not that he doesn't want to take them they just don't always want to go. When it's 6 days a week it can be hard for them to always be on the go but at the same time it doesn't need to fall on me to have them stay. When my oldest was 11 he was staying by himself but that is because I made sure he was able to take care of himself and knew the rules of the house. I started off slow, an hour to go to the grocery store and stuff like that but eventually he was able to stay for a while alone. That just isn't how he parents though. Mind you when my kids were his kids ages there wasn't as much technology (at least I didn't allow them to have all the crap) and I had taught my kids from a very young age how to take care of themselves so they didn't always need to rely on me. He always says "times are different now" but I find that as an excuse.
He only coaches basketball in the fall and then he tries to coach his sons baseball team in the spring but that is his busy travel time for work. It's all so messed up because we are just always on the go and it's hard to ever get downtime after a long day. I do feel bad that I don't want to be around them all the time but even when we don't have them his daughter is calling to complain about something with her mom so there just isn't any time to ever just BE without kids. His daughter is very manipulative and plays her mom and dad against each other and I just can't stand that because she is daddy's little girl and he bows down to BOTH of them.
I had told him not that long ago that I never see their mom leaving them with her boyfriend because when they are there she spends time with them, takes them to the movies and etc. Mind you her BF also has 2 kids the same age as theirs so they have another kid to hang out with and play with but she still spends time with them. They make dinner every night and sit down together as opposed to us always getting something on the go. It's just a very different lifestyle than the way I raised mine. It's so hard to be a SP!
Look, the whole point of
Look, the whole point of visitation is for his kids to spend time with their dad NOT to give their mother a break. If he isn't there then they should be with their mother.
If you look around here you'll find others who have been in your situation (treated like a live-in nanny) and the kids ended up-hating them because they didn't visit to spend time with their dad's SI, they wanted to spend time with HIM
You hit the nail on the head!
You hit the nail on the head! I feel like a live in nanny & maid. They never clean up after themselves, they are always on their technology and it drives me NUTS! A tablet, Xbox or phone isn't a babysitter its a crutch. UGH I feel so lost now because he is such a good guy and treats me amazing (other than watching the kids lol) but damn I feel like I am totally being taken advantage of and I am getting to the end of rope here. I did tell him that I feel like I spend more time with them then he does and thats not fair.
His daughter is acting out because she is fighting for his attention (which I have told him as well) his son is learning so slow because he is always on his shit and I feel like I am fighting for time from all of it.
If he is gone 6 nights a week, how does he ever have time to
If he is gone 6 nights a week, how does he ever have time to "treat you amazing?" That is ridiculous. So when does he actually spend time with his kids?
So was everything resolved
So was everything resolved from your previous post? Obviously you did not cut and run...what happened there?
There's help and there's
There's help and there's "help." Helping is stepping in in a bind, going above and beyond because he needs it. BUT - you are not "helping." You are completely responsible for the majority of childcare (assuming the kids are in school, you likely see them more than their dad does.)
I too became bitter for similar reasons. My SO and his brothers needed so much "help." At first i jumped in because i was going to be the best girlfriend ever. But then i realized that these guys were looking for someone to take responsibility for the basic parenting of these kids for a large chunk of time and i noped out. Easier for me because i don't live with SO.
For you, you should probably explain that you aren't able to take on these major parenting duties due to your work and parenting responsibilities. He could get a babysitter, maybe a family member. Idk how late he is out but there may be aftercare programs they could go to after school. Or he could adjust his CO to where he has them when he can be present. More time in summer maybe, if he's a high school teacher and every other weekend during his busy season? There's no point in him having them if he's not there.
6 days a week?? That is crazy
6 days a week?? That is crazy. I presume he gets paid for this?
These children need to be going with their dad and sitting or playing on the sidelines. They can do their homework or read or play right there. If you have to watch them when you work then he can do it too.
I would be upset if my husband was out 6 nights a week in addition to his full time job. And that is before being the babysitter. He needs a major reassessment of his priorities.
"These children need to be
"These children need to be going with their dad and sitting or playing on the sidelines. They can do their homework or read or play right there. If you have to watch them when you work then he can do it too."
It's crazy that nobody else even considered this "solution." Kids today are expected to be served and entertained, not adapt to their situations, silly!
What did he do before you
What did he do before you were there? How would he manage if you weren't there?
IMO, he has no business alternatingly weeks like that seeing as he doesn't consider his children to be worth his time.
Does he ever consider the damage he's doing to his children's self-esteem (daddy doesn't want to see us)? Why doesn't he love them enough to actually spend time with them?
I was thinking the same thing
I was thinking the same thing! What did he do with his kids when you weren't together? He needs to find the time to be with them or discuss a different visitation schedule. I don't understand why parents assume step parents are free baby sitters in these type of scenarios. So not fair to put all of the care and work for his kids on you! It's one thing to help him out here and there and another to do what seems like most of the work.
"its a partnership and we
"its a partnership and we help each oher out"
What utter guff. You do not have a partnership because there is no give and take. Well, there is but you do all the giving and he does all the taking. It's time to spell things oiut for him. He isn't the only one entitled to do what he pleases. As from (date), you are going to start going to (activity), three nights a week. He is free to continue his coaching for three nights too but he's expected to take over all the rest at home on your nights off, including taking your daughter to her sports. Like he says, partners help each other out.
If he is an amazing guy... he
If he is an amazing guy... he will be open to hearing what you have to say. At 8 and 11.. there could be some relief potentially in a year or two...but you also have said his younger kid has some issues that might make his older sibling watching him a bit tough.
What complicates this a bit further is that this is his job.. it's not that he is just volunteering or engaging in his own sports club... this is part of his job.
BUT.. as has been pointed out. What if you were not in the picture. What would he be doing? who would watch his kids while he worked? Would he have to change roles in his school? get daycare?
and.. back to he is a wonderful guy... he should be open to hearing that the current arrangement is not working for you.
I might approach it like this.
BF... I know your coaching schedule takes up a lot of time during the school year, but I think we need to look at options for the kids because I am honestly getting spread to thin. You know I really like your kids and don't mind helping out occasionaly, but it has gotten to be too much between my own work obligations, my own kid's schedules and the fact that I would really like to just have some time to myself if I don't have those things pressing on me. Again, I don't mind helping in a pinch.. but I can't be the go to solution for your kid's after school daycare and transportation. I know you probably don't mean to, but I do feel that my role here is taken for granted.. you don't even try go make it easier by doing things like making sure your kids have a meal ready.. so that gets put on my plate too. If I were not here.. what would you be doing? Who would be doing the babysitting? would you just take them along to your games and practices? Is that an option now? I can be willing to help out X day(s) a week but for more than that, you need to see what other options you have. Again, I like your kids.. this is not a problem because there is a problem with them.. it's just an additional responsibility on my that has gotten to be too limiting and is really burning me out.
As ever, beautifully worded.
As ever, beautifully worded.
THIS IS SO PERFECT!!!!! OMG I
THIS IS SO PERFECT!!!!! OMG I am going to take every piece of this word for word. I just don't know how I come off sometimes lol I can't thank you enough!!!!!
You are being used
Unless this coaching job is bringing in so much income that you can hire a cleaning service for your home. And Uber eats for dinner. Why can't he take his kids with him. Sports are family things. LOL Think you must really look up amazing guy. And see if SO picture is there.
Good parents who have visitation with there kids don't coach 6 night a week. Kids should stay with BM. but she most likely don't want them so your the one getting stuck when everyone else is doing what they want
A question
OP, why and when did he start coaching? It seems odd that he'd coach for perfect strangers but not for things his own children participate in.
I don't think you're being
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all and not even because they're step-children. Even if all 4 kids were yours and your SO's biological children together, it shouldn't fall all on you. This was one of the main reasons I left my first husband. My ex disengaged from the family and left everything to me. I was a married single mother. Your SO needs to step up.
I would laugh in his face.
NO, I will not watch your kids. Period
You are saving this guy tons of money on free babysitting and child support. They have a decent Mother. They should be with her. What a joke.
Have you read Wednesday Martin's book Stepmonster?
They are supposed to ask what they would do for childcare, cleaning, rides, etc if you weren't in the picture and do that. An occasional favor is one thing but you are being taken for granted.
A man's perspective.
A man's perspective.
It is not okay that your DH takes advantage of you using you as his defacto nanny.
Tell him no. The older one is nearly old enough to baby sit the younger.
Define your availability and have your DH manage his child care accordingly.
Occassionally is one thing. All the time is another thing entirely and should not be happening.
Take care of you.