Update....he's ouuuuutttttt.....need input
So I've read posts on here for the last couple years but not posted as nothing has changed since last time when skid wrote the letter asking to move in. He now is in a neighboring town having been released from prison a few months back. Skids response (these were being funneled through dh) was "she needs to forgive me!" To which I replied that just because I forgive him doesn't mean ihave to want a relationship with him. Dh at some point said he yelled at him saying "dont you ever say hi to *********** again!!"
The thing going on now is dh, myself,and my kids (young adults) are at odds as to whether he should be allowed at the house or not. He came by once and I had to go somewhere. He OF COURSE said hello to me and I ignored him. I was pretty ticked off that he was there as well as blocking me when dh could've had him park on the street. He was smirking at me likely enjoying me being upset.
Does this boundary sound reasonable to y'all? Am I wrong for feeling hsrassed with him saying hi even after dh told.him not to?? When I try to explain he makes me uncomfortable and we dont get along I get speeches about how he's changed, that's my son, he's being the bigger person, he just wants to show you he's friendly (per my oldest son).
Any ways to discourage him coming over? Is it better for me to ignore him or continue raising a stink when he comes by?
He is a criminal and just
He is a criminal and just because he served his time does not negate the fact he is still an a$$hole. Keep your boundaries hard and firm and only allow any wiggle room if and only if you see changes that stick. DH can see him outside of your home ( sanctuary). He needs to earn his way back in. That should not be offered easily.
He a criminal
You don't need criminals stealing from you or your neighbors. You are an adult , he Is old enough to be an adult. Tell DH to see his kid someplace far away from your home. If he wants to see his son. Tell DH you don't want S.W..A.T. breaking down your door
Dh believes he's changed is
Dh believes he's changed is the problem.
Maybe so, but you haven't and
Maybe so, but you haven't and you don't want him anywhere near you. In other words, he should never set foot in your home ever again. Tell your husband not to be so damn lazy and see his kid elsewhere m
FWIW, when he blocked my car in, I'd have had his towed... and stood there with a smile as it happened.
Perhaps I'm stating the obvious
but if your DH is stating 'he's changed' he is clearly an enabler. DO NOT let this skid back into your home. Tell DH to make arrangements to meet the criminal elsewhere. Maybe the skid has changed...time will tell. but once you've done wrong, it takes a long time to prove to others' you've changed.
Your house is your safe place
Your house is your safe place. They can go out to eat to a resturant or elsewhere - they don't need to be there. That's the rule. No, he should not be allowed back in - that will be a disaster. Offer to your husband an opportunity to go eat out near the SKID's place - save him gas, gets him a meal and you two don't need ot interact.
Question: Why was he in prison ? Don't need all the details but wondering if that's enough of a reason that he can NEVER be in your home. Even if he's changed maybe there's a threat of his friends on drugs or his own unsafe behavior.
Not comfortable getting into
Not comfortable getting into why...what kind of disaster are you forseeing with him visiting at the house? Just wondering if possible chaos could ensue that I'm overlooking.
A criminal record results in a permanent ban from many places.
Yes, and that is for a spent conviction, regardless of crime, regardless how many decades ago. Most developed countries in the world won't let someone with a criminal record enter or even apply for a visa. Many jobs won't consider an applicant who ticked "yes" next to the criminal record question. They don't want to know the particulars, just the very plain fact is enough, and should be for your house, your safe space.
The reason for asking is
The reason for asking about his behavior - if he has a pattern of violence, drugs, stealing or something else that can be harmful to you or others then you have a VERY strong case of why your husband has to protect you and he should never enter your home. To be quite frank I would not want to invite any trouble into my home no matter how big or small it is. Just a bit more strength to your argument. That being said Banksia is CORRECT- your home is your safe space, no matter what he's done or hasn't done you do NOT need to justify why you do not want him in the home- it's your home.
It's a valid question...
Why he was in jail......was he convicted of? I don't think they were being nosey when they asked. drug dealing? Pedophilia? petty theft? Depending on the offense the skid was in jail for means a lot. No, you don't have to get into tall the dirty details but the charges/crime are a factor here.
Past behavior is the best
Past behavior is the best predictor of future performance. Extrapolate the risks of the convict being in your home and life from there. Focus on the most likely worst case disasters that are related to this convict POS.
As for comfortable sharing, I can understand not wanting to go too deep into his depravity. My SS's convict half sib had a gun violation at 16 and ended up a long sentence convict for armed burglary in his 20s. All because shit daddy the Spermidiot has long held fantasies of gangbanger wannabe glory. None of the gangs he aspires to will have him as he is a lying POS claiming to be black when he is about as cracker as it gets. SS's and my DW's ancestry tests show that the Spermidiot is a lying POS when it comes to his supposed African ancestry. Sadly, his youngest two by baby mama #3 are biracial and have gang access that gangbanger wannabe/gangser rapper wannabe Spermidiot can never have.
On a partially humorous side note, his claimed nick name when he was targeting underage teen girls as his statutory rape targets was "Nilla". As in... Vanilla Ice. He claimed rap God status and did get the attention of several 16 or younger girls in the small town my then future DW grew up in. Spermidiot was in his early to mid 20s. Sadly, none of the parents of the statutory rape victims every put his ass in prison, or better yet, disposed of his body. So, 4 kids bear his shallow and polluted gene pool. 3 of them are failing in their lives.
Interestingly, my SS-31 has not hesitated to share his family and life background with his friends and coworkers over the years. He refers to his Spermidiot as "GangsterDad" and me as just plane old "Dad". He tells stories at work and when he gets the Dad label wrong coworkers will jump in with "That has to be GangsterDad, your Dad would never do that!!!"
IMHO, slap the fact label on the convict SS and highlight universally what he was in prison for. That will give you significant relief from those who would push you to accept him as having paid his debt. IMHO, that debt has be be paid every second, of every day, for the rest of his life and should never be forgotten. It is only forgiven if he lives on the straight and narrow every microsecond of forever. That forgiveness is for that microsecond only. Each one, sequentially if he keeps his head out of his own ass.
IMHO of course.
Take care of you.
I wouldn’t allow him to visit
At your home. If DH wants to spend time with him, they can meet elsewhere. It's only a matter of time before he gets back into trouble. DH should understand and respect your wishes.
I agree that your DH can, and
I agree that your DH can, and should, see his son somewhere besides your home.
I don't agree that saying, "Hi," to someone is harassment. If you choose not to respond, that's your business but it's kind of childish, and maybe a bit satisfying for him, proving to himself that he's being the "bigger person" (and knowing that it makes you livid).
A simple response does not mean that you've changed your mind about him or want him in your home, it does not mean that you want to be buddies, and it doesn't mean that you have to engage in any further discussion with him.
I don't get how it's not
I don't get how it's not harassment if he knows I don't want him talking to me and dh has told him not to say hi.
the reason I don't respond is because I'm trying to show where my boundaries are and I don't want to open the door for " well you said hi so how does he know that you don't want to make up and give him a chance?"
So respond with a glare and "
So respond with a glare and " bugger off".
Dh's likely response: "him's
Dh's likely response: "him's only trying to make an AMENDDDDDS and be the biggurrrrr PUUUUURRRRRson!!!!!!! You're not giving him a chance and you're being ruuuuuude!!!"
You don’t owe him any chances.
He's not your child, you don't like criminals and that's that.
Welll...I've known a few
Welll...I've known a few former criminals who are perfectly nice. Idk if he's changed or not but its just unhealthy for me to have a relationship with him because of the way I've been blamed and been the scapegoat over the years. I'm simply over it.
There is always an exception
There is always an exception to any situation. Sure, there are convicts who change. But, they are the proverbial diamond in a goat's ass. Usually, it isn't a diamond. In fact, it is exceptionally rare.
Be wary of the convicts. They are convicts for a reason and because of their choices.
Take care of you and keep the SKonvict out of your life.
"Hi. Now leave my property,
"Hi. Now leave my property, you are not welcome, here."
No misunderstanding, there.
If your husband has told him not to talk to you, yet allows him in your home, that is a mixed message, in itself, as it's rude to ignore someone on their own home. Many step parents complain about just that on this site.
So now, your husband knows that his son is not capable of doing as asked, so needs to not come to your home. Your husband can see for himself, in time, if his son has really changed or not, which is of no concern to you. If he has changed, good for him, but it doesn't mean that you have to ever be around him.
Dh thinks me not wanting him
Dh thinks me not wanting him around the property (they were outside not in the house) is unreasonable. Skid knows how I feel though so considering that plus them being outside skid could've easily continued yip yapping with dh and ignored me.
I think he's capable of doing as dh asked he's just too obsessed with trying to get me to engage to care.
In all honesty, you have a DH
In all honesty, you have a DH issue.
Until that changes you might as well just used to him being around you.
I will NEVER be used to that.
I will NEVER be used to that.
Not even on your property!!!
Not even on your property!!! Just tell DH that if he is on your property you will call the police.
If possible, file an RO/PO keeping the convict as far away from you and your property as possible. That way, it takes daddy out of the mix completely. No need to discuss it once the RO/PO/Civil PO is implemented.
After that, just No!.
End of discussion.
My SS's eldest though younger half brother is in prison. An armed felony burglary conviction. No mention yet from the SpermClan on how he didn't do it, the Judge was mean, the prison guards are evil, etc.....
SS, while heartbroken, is not rushing to mitigate any of it. He also fully blames the Spermidiot for the shit outcomes for the three youngerst of the 4 all out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs.
I've done the research...cops
I've done the research...cops wont remove him if dh wants him on the property.
You have set the boundary, DH
You have set the boundary, DH has given his shit spawn clarity. That the spawn pushes the boundary and gloats when he does, confirms that he is the POS convict he has proven himself to be.
Stick to your boundaries and make sure DH stands with you in enforcing those boudaries.
Take care of you.
it's not harassment to say hi
if your DH is allowing him access to your property. Maybe you should check with a lawyer as to what constitutes harassment. Seems like there's a lot more to this than what we are reading. Good luck to you.
Just Say No
As someone who has volunteered with parolees in "court mandated" group meetings (via my former church), you must tread carefully with these people. I remember in my early days of volunteering being amazed at how well so many attendees knew Scripture by heart. The leader said, "Lots of time on your hands in jail so you can do a lot of reading and memorizing." As time went on, most of those "conversions" proved to be only tools for manipulation.
I am not a person to judge one's salvation but I am one to "watch carefully" to see the signs. A true encounter with God would have your SS being apologetic, making amends and being honest. Your SS is still using old behaviors to get what he wants. That's not changed behavior. While he may have had the "encounter," he is NOT embracing the change.
Stand strong, tell your DH to see his son away from the marital home. While on those visits, your DH can tell him to get with his parol officer. As someone said in this thread, there are half-way houses out there he could be in. Of course, those have rules....which is possibly why he isn't in one???
Keep your boundaries, Friend. Not one thing wrong with them.
People with criminal behaviors rarely ever change.
I have met many of them in my professional capacity, all have been sweet as pie with me, and most continued with reoffending. The times between convictions and incarcerations were not them trying to give themselves a personality transplant, only the times of unreported crimes, the crimes that did not get a conviction, or the times where they were just as awful, cruel and conniving to those that had the misfortune to know them, but in the way that flew just under the radar.
No one deserves our trust. We have no reason to trust anybody or allow them into our homes until they've proven themselves to us to be trustworthy over a period of time and in a multitude of scenarios.
How should I respond to dh
How should I respond to dh when he claims that skid wants to make up with me and his saying hi is his way of trying to make an amends? He didnt catch much extra time in prison except for one incident so dh thinks that's another indication of change.
its just unhealthy for me to
its just unhealthy for me to have a relationship with him because of the way I've been blamed and been the scapegoat over the years. I'm simply over it.
This ^^^ is what you tell your husband. It's not about change, it's not about making amends, you are just done and do not want a relationship with him, period. It's really not that hard to comprehend, unless there is something wrong with the both of them, mentally.
You do not owe it to either one of them to have a relationship with your SS. He's an adult and should be able to accept that (and your husband needs to just accept that, also). Time for them to move on, there will be no happy family get-togethers, here.
Be Factual
I often had participants ask me why their family and friends would not speak to them or interact with them or help them, etc etc etc. This is what I'd tell them and you can tell your DH.
"Your family/friends have been subjected and negatively impacted by your bad behaviors for years and are done. They have NO obligation to you especially after what you have done. Your job is to SHOW your family/friends that you have changed and that takes TIME. So, continue in your recovery/rehab, start making good life choices and over time, your family/friends will see that change and MAYBE invite you back into their lives. Bottom line is...you will have to show a LONG CONSISTENT changed behavior before anyone will allow you back in their lives. Get busy."
Your DH needs to understand "jail" talk is learned and it's all about manipulating people to get what they want. A simple "I'm sorry" does NOT work nor should it. Watching for CHANGED BEHAVIOR OVER A LONG PERIOD OF TIME is the ONLY thing that can be done at this time.
Best to you.
Pfffft.
Of course a quick "Sorry" followed by pure total forgiveness and acceptance is what you meant.... right?
CajonMom, you are brilliant. Sadly, few will ever do the work, hold themselves accountable, and earn forgiveness, trust, etc.... every moment of every day for the rest of their lives.
Thanks for this. It is wise and it is the right thing for anyone and everyone to keep scrubbing the nose of the convict in .... for ever.
Even with changed behavior I
Even with changed behavior I still don't want him in my life in my case. When you saw participants slipping back into criminal behaviors and old patterns how long did that take on averqge? And how do I show dh what true making an amaneds would look like vs what he's pulling now?
“No is a full sentence”
That's what you could say. You don't really need to justify your response, but for the sake of peace, you could say something like: "I appreciate he wants to make up with me and I wish him well, but I'm not interested in maintaining a relationship with him or having him in my house. You, however, are most welcome to catch up with him in a cafe over a nice hot drink".
Where is the charming SS
Where is the charming SS living now? Half way house?
DH can go visit him there or at his work which probably is a requirement for his release.
Problem solved.
For some reason some step parents forget that they (YOU) have say so in this marriage too.
Remember a NO takes precedence over a yes.
Again,
A NO response in a decision take precedence over a yes.
Let that sink in....IF you say NO, SS is not welcome here and DH says yes....the NO is the end result until there are two yes's.
You are not required to bend to dh wishes. HE can see his criminal kid elsewhere.
Your situation
Aside from the prison part, which, I am sure won't be too long before it is, you seem to have the same struggle I have. SKID24(college student) doesn't care for me. I have accepted it. When he is there, I feel uncomfortable with the constant "elephant in the room" feeling. He won't speak unless I do, won't talk unless I do, and I am just over it now. Also another SKID27 living with us full time who doesn't work or do chores or sh*t around the house. My therapist told me that I need to find a way to "not" be uncomfortable in my home, but just him being there is uncomfortable for me. I would like a relationship/family with these kids, but it just ain't going to happen. I have threatend that I want my own place.
Just keep an eye on the court
Just keep an eye on the court docket. Next time he gets arrested make sure to let your DH know that he has NOT changed.
Responding with
You must see SS changes. Give it a few years and maybe SS can visit for the day. You will not have another adult living in your home. If DH was such a great parent his kid would not ne in jail So DH shares some of the blame
My skids aren't convicted
My skids aren't convicted criminals and more than 95% of the time, DH sees them outside of our house because they are aholes and I don't want to deal with their rudeness. Your DH can meet Prison Boy OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOME....at a restaurant, etc.
It appears to me that your
It appears to me that your aversion to "Hi" is creating drama that does not have to happen. Your DH ripping his convict spawn a new asshole for "Hi".... is unreasonable.
This abdicates the state of reasonableness to the convict and puts you and DH on the shaky ground against him saying "Hi".
Forget the hello/hi thing and stand on the fact that he is a convict and his historic behaviors are not acceptable.
The more you and DH pick the word "Hi" as your hill to die on the deeper the hole is you dig for yourselves as far as the test of reasonableness is concerned.
Forget "Hi" and stick with the deeper issue(s).
IMHO.
To me, her husband inviting
To me, her husband inviting him to their home, even if it's just in the yard and not inside the house, is the problem. He needs to stop pushing OP's boundaries.
I completely agree.
I completely agree.
"Hi" is an extreme and unfortunate distraction from the problem. Which is the DH not keeping his convict child appropriately distant. If the convict is not allowed in or near the marital home, "Hi" never happens. And it should never happen. Rather than making "Hi" the hill to die on, not allowing the convict anywhere near the marital home or the DW in the marriage eleminates the pathetic importrance of "Hi".
This whole endless battle over not ever saying hello to the OP is pathetic. It also has to be eleminated as a thing. That requires daddy to grow some balls, out his shit son in the cesspool where he belongs, and defending his wife and marriage from that shit spawn.
IMHO.
Yes he should keep him
Yes he should keep him appropriately distant. Unfortunately that's not happening. And skid who's done soooooooo muuuuuucccchhhhhh hopey-changey shouldnt insist on coming around and making me uncomfortable either.
I think what's REALLY
I think what's REALLY creating the "drama that does not have to happen" is skid insisting on coming over knowing full well how uncomfortable it makes me and REFUSING to ignore me even AFTER dh had already told him not to say hi to me ever again.
Skid's INSISTENCE on saying hi to me knowing I dont want it to me is deliberatly trying to put me in a corner by A) attempting to make me look bad if I ignore him or chew him out or
pretending that everything is fine and dandy putting on fake airs if DO say hi back.
I agree on his historic behaviors but the problem I am running into is dh and my kids are claiming how much he's changed. They are ignoring me when I say that his change or lack thereof is not the reason I dont want a relationship with him.
I see nothing unreasonable about expecting skid to refrain from interacting with me if I have made it clear I dont want him to.
Sadly, I beg to differ.
It is DH and his lack of balls and character that is the issue. Daddy is the facilitator of this shit spawn convict continuing to invade your life. All it would take would be for DH to not allow Spawn anywhere near you home and to interface with his shit son independently nowhere near your. Including not discussing or mentioning you at all and not allowing his shit puddle genetic progeny to even mention you. No interface, no drama aroudn "Hi".
IMHO of course.
It sounds like you and your
It sounds like you and your DH both need to firm up your boundaries. If having SS at the house is uncomfortable for you, he shouldn't be there. DH then has to decide whether or not your boundary is one that he can respect. You decide who does and doesn't play a role in your life. And so does your DH. If DH decides that he can't accept your boundary, then he has a decision to make. I'm not a fan of banning the SKs from the house but, if he's behaved in ways that have gotten you to this point, then his not being welcome at your home is on him, not you. My SKs are no longer welcome at my home, and that's heartbreaking for my DH, but my DH also understands that they've made themselves unwelcome.