SD Eating in br leaving dirty dishes there & more...
Hello,
My SD is 19 (she turns 20 this month).
BD/My husband and I have had to have several conversations with her about breaking house rules.
- No eating in the bedroom
- No dishes in the bedroom
- No more collection of empty water bottles in the bedroom (I'm talking MANY)
- Turn the heating blanket off
- Doing her laundry on designated days to not conflict with our days
- Cleaning up the bathroom when she is done getting a shower, etc.
She has had consequences of having her key taken away and random room checks.
Yet, here we are today....
I sensed I should do a check in her room today while she is at work (I work from home and did this on my break).
I hadn't done one of these in months, and today I sure uncovered some things.
- Empty water bottles
- Fast food bag in her waste basket
- Heating blanket was ON and on HIGH on her bed
- M & M's and Goldfish cracker bags opened and on the floor next to her bed
- In her closet, dirty plastic cup with straw (the kind you wash), inside of a dirty mug with dried up hot cocoa
I sent video and pictures via text to her father so that he could process it before coming home, so that we can further discuss.
I am furious. We just literally talked about the heating blanket the other day and she argued it had an automatic shut off - YEAH, okkkkkk. And she whined to me also about lighting candles in her room. LOL!!!! I told her, I do not trust you with them!
She is very irresponsible and dismissive when told about things. I am VERY respectful with my approach. Always have been. But I'm ready for her to go live back with her mom. We've had her since she was 16 because of some issues she was having with her mother and at wanted her to be able to finish school. She currently attends community college as well.
To me, after confronting her with these things no less than THREE OTHER TIMES, I'm done and have no other suggestion other than to move her out. Her lack of respect for us and our home will no longer be tolerated. I just hope her father comes up with something good/effective. I don't hate her. I just don't want to tolerate her any more.
Good luck with your husband.
Good luck with your husband. I hope she moves out and you get your home back.
Thank you
I appreciate it. Me too!
See what DH does
The "Talk" or real punishment. Unfortunately at 19 going on 20. You really can't punish her. You must make plans for her to move out. Evening paying the firsts month rent . And buying her stuff for her apartment
If only...
If only we could do that for her. She doesn't even pay us anything to live here. Unfortunately, it would be a fruitless move. She lacks discipline with money and the things aforementioned. She was having a coronary over her father just mentioning to her that she'd soon be paying rent. I was paying rent as soon as I became 18. She has it too good. The only contribution she makes is cleaning the upstairs bathroom and downstairs powder room every other week. Even that we have to pull teeth for.
Well, it's all going to
Well, it's all going to depend on how your husband reacts. In the meantime, I'd remove the heating blanket. If she can't follow the rules, she can't have it. I'd also tell her there will be regular room checks until she shows she can follow the rules. But I'll hope that your husband sends her back to BM so none of that is necessary.
Yeah....
Thank you for your reply.
That's how we'd typically handle something like this - removing the blanket (which was a Christmas gift), and continuing with the random room checks. But we've been at this juncture before, except for the blanket. I have zero trust that she will be responsible with anything anymore. She lacks discipline and follow-through. There are many other things I could tell you about with her, but I wanted to just focus on the things that she did today.
To be very honest, I do not want to "baby sit" and micromanage a 20 year old. I don't have the time or energy for it. At this point, she should be way more responsible than this. So, like you said, I too hope she moves out so that I do not have to deal with it anymore.
I feel for you. I'd do
I feel for you. I'd do everything in my power to make her as uncomfortable as possible. Make her pay bills, rent and buy her own food.
What brand of heated blanket do you use? Bought my kiddo a beauty rest and the blasted thing already quit. So now looking for others.
I would let your DH handle it.
I would say the majority of 20 something year olds are pretty terrible housemates. Your DH needs to correct her as often to "in the moment" as possible EVERY time it happens, not in an angry way but in a matter of fact way. A 20 year old is too old to punish. Most of these permissive Dad's won't stay on top of it. The other option is charge a $100 per week cleaning and maintenace fee which is the cost of you going in her room and turning everything off when she is gone plus the cost of having a housekeeper go in her room and clean.
Lock up the food, confiscate
Lock up the food, confiscate the electric blanket, take the door off of her room so she cannot hide her trash and rotting food and dirty dishes hoard. She is 19, she complies with the rules or she can GTF out.
Keep it simple.
Tonight, her father
Tonight, her father confronted her in a very respectful, loving way, but she chose "violence."
She didn't own any part of her wrong doing. Instead, she deflected and acted like we didn't already establish that we could walk in her room and inspect at any time. She was mad she got caught. She disrespected us, especially her father so much during the conversation that she gave him no other alternative but to tell her to pack her things and go to live with her mother.
I didn't say much, although I did respond to her retort about us being in her room and when she slammed the crap out of our front door (I just told her not to be slamming our door and she told me to "Shut up!" To which I told her, "No YOU 'shut up!" There was so much I could say but wanted my H to take the reins. I've bitten my tongue more times than I can count.
She has no one to blame but herself. I pray for her to truly see herself as she really is and to be broken enough to desire real change. It just wasn't working out here. She doesn't value us or her privilege here. She has a lot of growing up to do and a lot of hard lessons to learn. I wish her no harm. I just pray he doesn't fold and have her come back here. She's over stayed her welcome.
He will only allow her back
He will only allow her back if you do. Don't do that. She is an adult, she is gone. Keep her that way.
Rekey the locks now and do not give her a key.
Accountabiity is not harm. Hold her accountable. Her choices... will return consequences that she has to be forced to lived without people rescuing her.
IMHO of course.
Enjoy your Skid drama free home, life, and relationship.
Exactly. Accountability is a
Exactly. Accountability is a part of life. I do not want her back here. A lot of her things are still in the bedroom and in our attic. Hopefully we will have her retrieve those things in the near future.
A common theme with her is blame shifting. She will now need to recognize she, her actions and attitude placed her in this predicament. She had no one to blame for her problems but herself. We've done our part here for the last 4 years. It's time to move on.
Thank you.
Don't wait for her to come
Don't wait for her to come and get her stuff. Tell her that she can come on X date at Y time and if she doesn't show, it will be donated or thrown out. Her call.
Keep her out!
Don't hold your breath, she will never be accountable for her own actions and everything would always be someone else's fault. My SDs are exactly like that and it is quite a serious issue and I don't hope and wait for them to change.
Don't let her back in. Pack up all her stuff now and have your H ship it back to her or drop it off at where she's staying. Change all the keys so she can't let herself back in. Have a firm conversation with your H stating your boundaries and that you don't want her back in. She is not a minor, you don't need to let her stay there anymore if she cannot respect the rules and particularly if your DH isn't as strict.
My sentiments exactly. Only,
My sentiments exactly. Only, H retrieved the key from her before she left. So we should be good there.
Still get the locks changed.
Still get the locks changed. It costs next to nothing to get a copy of a key. Don't take any chances. Besides, how can you be sure she didn't have several made so any or all of her friends could visit while you were absent or asleep? Don't take any chances.
Oh wow! That turned quickly.
Oh wow! That turned quickly. I'm impressed your husband sent her packing.
Here's to hoping she stays gone. I would move to quickly decontaminate and redecorate her room as a guest room or better yet an office or craft room or workout room or music room for yourself (whatever your interests or needs are).
That way if there are thoughts of her returning she doesn't have a bedroom and is only welcome for very short visits (should her attitude have improved of course).
That's exactly what I am going to do...
Once she gets the rest of her things out of there, I'm going to deep clean and turn it back into a guest room. So, when my parents visit and need to stay overnight, they can. I had it so cute before. I furnished the whole thing except for the mattress and box spring, which my husband had prior to us getting married. The atmosphere in my home changed once she arrived. And it has become more challenging as of late. So, again, although I don't hate the girl at all, I just don't want to live with her anymore. This door is now closed and she and we need to move on.
Thank you.
How is this kid going to do
If they ever gets a real job. Tell her boss I just don't feel it. I don't want to sweep the floors. I want to play on my phone
She has had a total of 6
She has had a total of 6 different jobs since she began working at 17. Every time it ended, it was always an issue with management = authority and sometimes others. Granted, it's been fast-food and retail which can come with its own "breed" of people, but, I can't help but see the pattern. Since she is the way she is here, it would not be any different in the work place. There's definitely a problem.
She is definately the common
She is definately the common denominator of her job failures and in being gone from your home.
Do not stop giving her the common denominator lecture.
Lather.... rinse.... repeat.
SD is 19
And not wanting to get a place of her own, with a friend or two. She will never move out. You don't need a 40 yo SD still living with you 20 years down the road , I am shocked that DH made this stand. Be careful, that DH doesn't changes his mind
I was shocked when he told
I was shocked when he told her to leave, too. Because the way he was approaching the situation was much calmer. He had something less harsh in mind but she was the one that pushed him to it, and honestly, I am grateful she did.
SD is very immature for her age but always wants to be respected as a mature adult. We have shown her MORE than enough of patience, mercy, and grace these past 4 years, wanting to teach and prepare her for the world. She has proven that she is not interested in listening to us and the boundaries we have set. Whenever there was an issue we wanted to talk to her about, such as in my initial post, she would sit there, roll her eyes, then just blankly stare with no response, even when asked for her input. She shuts us off and pretends that she understands and listens. The reason I know this for a fact is her repetitive behaviors. Since she became 18, we didn't "punish" her, but we've always made the consequences fit the crime somehow. We've taken her key, we've taken the Firestick, we've put stricter curfews. It gets to a point where you run out of options and the only way to produce change is to remove them and let them learn another way. Wisdom is a teacher but so is pain. She chose the latter and I absolutely DO NOT want her back here under any circumstances. She will just keep trying to manipulate and continue in her undisciplined behaviors. I have nothing left to offer her at this time.
You can hire a cleaning service
And SD pays for it. SD has to move out it's time. There no other solution.
yay YOU!!!
When Feral Forger SDnow24 turned 18 and then graduated high school, she got a job a few towns over and since she doesnt drive/didnt have license, she moved in somewhere with someone without mentioning it. Basically she ghosted us.
For 7 loooooooong months her room full of her chit just sat there percolating and mouldering. Every time I opened the door to take a peak of frustration my nose was assaulted. She would rifle the fridge for food/leftovers to take into her room and munch.
Then one day, Husband said to me "Clove Im going to do a dump run, is there anything you want me to take?"
to which I replied "a queen electric bed base, mattress and these other things". Took an entire day, 6 bags of trash, 6 bags, donate, 3 bins personal for storage, 1 empty whiskey bottle, a few dirty pads later, and the room is my sort of dressing room with a fish tank and several plants. I can watch sunsets out the window, its got the best light in the house.
SD17 powersulk will be 18 in a few months. No job and no drivers license, plus she will want to live full time with her mother in low income Beach Town, where her friends are. So Im planning on guest room/storage room for while and maybe find a renter to cover some costs...
Box her chit up. Store it and designate a pickup date/time. This is what Im planning on...:D
The day after she left, my
The day after she left, my husband's brother passed away. So, things have been challenging with that. Once the viewing/funeral are over, and a few days after pass, we're going to revisit the discussion about when to get the rest of her stuff.
He told me that she is welcome in our home and that he is going to help her as best he can. I told him I never said SD wasn't welcome, I just don't want her living here (at all) or staying here , for a long while. Some time has to pass before she comes to visit. I'm not ok especially with no ownership on SD's part.
That day was the "straw that broke the camel's back." I have nothing left to add to her nothing more to say, at this time and I'm ready for her and us to move on.