Poor widdle prince
Usually SS12 (nearly 13) is with us noon Sunday until noon the next Sunday, but there's the occasional adjustment to accommodate trips or to make holidays fall correctly. They usually make it up somehow. Last month, BM got him a day early for their Thanksgiving trip to Disney. So, this time, he's with us an extra night.
We went to see DH's mom this weekend. She doesn't travel and we're not able to get up there often at all. This morning, while MIL and I were fixing breakfast, SS asked DH when he was going back to his mom's. DH told him "tomorrow at noon." This should not have been a surprise. He had been told this before. Cue red face, surly behavior, short, clipped responses to his grandmother, and generally being an unpleasant little twit.
After breakfast, DH got a text from DH saying she'd get SS earlier Monday morning and would just come pick him up. DH was convinced SS texted her and asked to come back earlier. DH said fine -- partly because he's ready to get rid of him for the week at this point.
Once home, we made him bring down dirty clothes, put laundry away, clean his room. Obviously this was cruel and unreasonable of us and a total affront to expect the prince to lift a finger. MIL gave SS a gift card as one of his Christmas gifts. DH told SS to give it to him so he could keep track of it (he keeps a gift card file and knows how irresponsible SS can be). SS said, "oh, well, I'm going to take it to my mom's. She'll take me shopping."
DH nearly lost it. More bonding time buying stuff with BM, and whatever he bought (with DH's mom's money) would end up staying at BM's. DH said no, he's taking him, and made him hand it over. Maybe it was an overreaction or a wrong move. But I get it. Things seem fine now.
I get it. This is a rough age. But I'm so tired of this kid and his attitude over everything. His laziness. Sense of entitlement. Selfishness. And it's not like he has any natural charm to make it go down easier. He's obviously PASing. Mixed feelings. It would hurt DH, but I'm sick of the kid.
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Rough age?? Aren't they all?
Though none of them are all that rough when there are well established standards of behavior and standards of performance that parents set and hold their spawn to.
So many parents who coddle cater chase and sniff the asses of their spawn are their own worst enemy and the worst enemy of their own children. Not to mention the worst enemy of their post failed family partner/Marriage. Particularly those who fawn and play the fool all over their COD progeny.
Keep in mind that it is likely not the SS-12 that you are sick of. It is your partners failed parenting. Which is nearly the universal root cause of frustated SParents. As much as we wish it was the Skids that are the problem.
DH made a good call not allowing the Skid to take the card to BM's for a shopgasm with mommy. Hopefully he puts his X and their spawn in their place and parents to strict standards.
A critical success factor in blended families is firm compliance and enforcement to the visitation schedule. No rescheduling. The CP is paid to provide care, feeding, and oversight when at the CPs. The NCP can refuse visitation any time they wish. In our case, the CO was clear. A skipped visitation was lost and could not be made up. Of course that could have been made up with my DW's (the CP) agreement which we pursposely never did. The miss it, make it up, but next time, but I wanna, blah, blah, blah crap is a rabbit hole to avoid. Hense, follow the visitation schedule... period dot. And when the NCP has a conflict, CP keeps the kid. Don't get into the black hole of visitation rescheduling and make up. And for damned sure the CP does not get to come get the Skid early. If the NCP chooses to send the Skid back early, great. If... the CP agrees. The schedule works both ways. With the exception that the CP does not get to not care for the kid, even when the NCP refuses a visitation. That... is what the CP is paid to do.
IMHO of course.
We've never had a problem
We've never had a problem with schedule adjustments because sometimes they work in our favor -- like if we want to go away for a 10-day cruise. She's accommodating to us and we are to her. But when it means he has to be with us longer, SS throws a snit fit.
When both sides of the
When both sides of the blended family equation are in a reasonable phase, schedule adjustments can work.
We never offered him to them other than during COd visitation. They refused visitation regularly. Which was fine with us.
We did enjoy the occassional couple adult activities/trips when he was on SpermLand visitation.
When my husband took his son
When my husband took his son visiting his parents (his son's grandparents) both households ended up giving SS thousands of dollars cash as gifts. That money sank somewhere in BMs house. When it was time for the university payments, guess who was contacted to make such payments. Yes, my husband.
If I were your husband, I'd go straight to my mother (son's grandmother) and request that all gifts made to SS are actually handed to me.
But that's me. My husband would never do it. For him it's all about what his son would think about all this. My husband wouldn't want to disappoint the royal @sshole.
Right out of ye olde HCGUBM playbook
Make your place the house with no rules and 24/7 fun, no chores, non stop entertainment, junk/fast food, unbridled materialism, no consequences...then of course Junior will never want to go to dad's/SM's place.
This is ALL selfishness on the part of the HCGUBM. Just another PAS play that the courts turn a blind eye to.
Dad can either give in and compete with the HCGUBM in a race to the bottom to see who can spoil Junior the most... which just prolongs the agony and eventually the CP HCGUBM will win and the skid PASes out. The HCGUBM has no limit on how low she will stoop to "win" Junior.
Or, Dad can attempt to teach Junior civil behavior and real life in his ever dwindling "parenting time." Which becomes a battle to the point of the HCGUBM actually INSTRUCTING Junior to do his worst on Dad's time.
Same result. Skid PASes out. About .000000001% of the time, skid realizes later in life that HCGUBM has done him a disservice and re-establishes the relationship with Dad.
Luckily, so far, DH seems to
Luckily, so far, DH seems to be following option 2.
From my observations, I don't think BM wants SS full time. She seems to like her kid-free time.
I don't blame her. SS isn't a horrible or even bad kid, necessarily. But I've picked up enough from DH and other people who knew him before I did to put it together that SS was a difficult toddler and preschooler. Frequent tantrums, refusal to cooperate, attention-seeking. People who had to deal with him when he was little were glad when they no longer had to. He was cute, but not cute enough, apparently.
He has a lot more self-control and is better behaved now. At least on the surface. Instead, he's sneaky.
As I said, he just doesn't have the charm to make him really likable. He's just -- there.