Unappreciative Adult Stepchildren
As I write this I am not sure if I am more angry or more hurt. I have been in my 3 adult stepchildren lives for almost 20 years. My 2 stepsons actually lived with myself and my husband full time from the time they were 11 and 14. Their mother lived 90 minutes away so I was the mom that took care of everything and am still in that role. Now comes the issue: Why is it that when their is a function that family wedding or anything their mother attends - the kids have virtually nothing to do with me because they don't want to hurt their mom's feelings?
This last weekend we flew to a wedding in another state - of which my husband and I paid for the adult children to attend and their mother was there. During the 3 days we were there they spent very little time with me or even acknowledged me! When I became visibly upset none of them could understand why. We have been home the one stepson I am most disappointed in feels he is undeserving of "this treatment of mine toward him". He is 26 years old.
I am so over it and I don't want it to cause problems with my marriage and I know my husband feels he is in the middle.
At a loss....-any advice?
Write them off. They’ve
Write them off. They’ve obviously written you off. Just be done with them.
Yes your DH is in the middle.
And it is his responsibility to correct his children, adults or not. He should rain hell down on their public display of disrespect. No question, no doubt, he should speak to them in front of you and an apology should be demanded. Put him in the hot seat, he didn't mind you being there. This makes my blood boil.
They can pay their own way
They're 26 and up, right? They can pay for their own travel. Even to weddings. If they can't afford it I guess they don't go.
You know if they are treating
You know if you are being treated --like the outdoor family trash; we all do. Nobody else could know. If that is what you believe is happening and your husband is the wimp reason it does; just stay away from it and YOU are the clear winner. It will never be perfect in this unfortunate situation, but you can make a better life for yourself when you break free and start caring the most about yourself. Easy to say, harder to do, I know. But, to salvage your own mental health, many of us had no other choice.
It's so hard to not get the acknowledgment of what we do.
It's so hard to not get the acknowledgment of what we do. When we give up our time and effort and money it's a way that we show love and simple respect back to us of just showing that we are important could lift mountains of previous ill feelings. It gives us the satidsfaction that all that we do for them factors largely in their lives. I struggle with this myself after paying a large portion of SD wedding and simply being ignored. I wasn't even included in the pictures of just DH's family. But I am the first one they run to when they need something. Because I have a big heart, I don't like to say no. If I can do something to help then I will. That being said, not all the time but just some times you would like them to speak up like they do for others who do for them. Especiallly when their own BM will not do for them what you do for them physically, mentally, spiritually and financialy.
Have you talked to your DH
Have you talked to your DH about it? I'd be curious to know what he says to explain it away. I'd be embarrassed if my DD ignored her SM.
Sure, your stepchildren want to spend time with their mother. But that doesn't mean you become invisible. That's just rude. I'd be asking my DH to explain that to them, and if he won't then you'll have to yourself.
You can keep trying, keep
You can keep trying, keep expecting, but at some point, you'll probably just get tired and back off. You'll have some peace then, although you'll never feel very good about it. The sooner you pass to not giving a damn, the sooner you get the peace. Let them be the incentive.
I understand
I don't have three stepkids I have one. I never tried or had to be her mother but I gave done a lot for her in her adult life. But I now am.invisible. I just wanted to be treated fairly and recognised. But no I have tried to say this too her but she says I upset her now she isolates me more and its deliberate. I have started disengaging I really don't care about her anymore. The only trouble us she has to small children who don't treat me that way but it will cone I'm not stupid. Just try and let go bit by bit that my only solution.
The issue is not that they
The issue is not that they spend time with BM, the issue is that they ignore SM. That is rude and demonstrates a lack of respect. It has nothing to do with a “competition” .
I agree. They need to be called out on this one by DH. And let them pay their own way in future.
Send them a bill for the
Send them a bill for the plane tickets with a note explaining that you do not pay to be ignored.
No more paying for travel for adult StepSpawn. They are adults, they can pay for themselves. If they can't manage their resources well enough to afford it... they don't go.
Keep it simple.
I get it
Being a step mother is a thankless job. The bio mother no matter how absent, neglectful or whatever is a goddess in their children’s eyes. Being acknowledged for what we do is very rare.
I have learned to disengage and not expect anything to avoid being disappointed.
It was difficult and sad for me because I have no bios but I had to do it for me.
I get it too!
Even when you try to “learn” to disengage, you still try. And it still feels like a kick in the gut. I think it is worse when you do not have bio-kids.
Their father needs to step up
Their father needs to step up. After you have both discussed the situation their father needs to make it clear to his children what is expected. Setting a boundary. Make sure you are not trying to get them to play favourites between the BM and yourself as you will always lose.
Your husband needs to back you 100%. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love his children. You can love the child and hate the behaviour/attitude! Even your own biological children.
Your lesson from this and probably other instances is to keep your expectations of appreciation to a minimum, even nothing at all. I am trying to get my head around this and will be posting about this shortly.
Look after yourself. Set personal boundaries around yourself to protect yourself and your feelings.
All the best,
If this is expected of SM or
If this is expected of SM or anyone, “keep your expectations of appreciation to a minimum, even nothing at all,” then a minimum or nothing at all should be expected of SM in return. No one should ever expect anyone to continually give a dollar and get a penny in return. Doesn’t work that way. If everyone is expecting SM to cook and clean and so on for these kids and at the same time, SM is supposed to keep her expectations to a minimum, that is called servitude or being a servant. That is not called being a wife or SO or partner. Partners share, and no partner should ever be expected to continually lower their expectations of appropriate behavior and suck it up to appease everyone BUT herself. It’s the year 2018 and not 1918.
Any DH who expects his wife or partner to cook and clean, and, quite frankly, be a mom to his children without placing any boundaries around his children’s behavior or expecting his children to show genuine appreciation, needs to a) Have his head examined, and/or 2) Let his wife or SO go and get a real man, while he puts an ad on-line for what he is really looking for—a servant. Only this time, he gets to pay for one, literally.
When we first arrived in the
When we first arrived in the ME on our first Expat assignment my boss told my bride to “lower your expectations so that you won’t be disappointed”.
I took exception to this advice. Having spent my childhood and young adulthood in the Middle East watching my mother navigate her life there and knowing both of my grandmothers spent much of their lives their I did not want low expectations nor disappointment to be the experience that my wife would have during our Expat adventure.
Neither should low expectations nor disappointment be the expectations of experience for those in a blended family marriage any more than they should be the expectations of any other marriage.
Sure, disappointment happens occasionally in any relationship but it should not be expected, frequent, nor should it be tolerated as a regular part of a blended family marriage.
Servant, Serf or Slave?
Idvilen, I couldn't agree more. Whatever the label, this kind of treatment of a SM is a violation of basic human rights.
It's like we must have certain 'look' - ready for the taking and exploitation. Just ripe enough to be used for DH's convenience and the skid's punching bag. And the resistance we get for giving DH back the responsibility of parenting is unreal. Is it really unreasonable for the OP's DH to sit down with his kids and insist they respect his wife and have as much compassion for her as they generally do other people? Is it unreasonable for DH to lower HIS expectations for his wife and just how much she has to sacrifice? Is it unreasonable to show SM and convey to the skids his appreciation for all she has done? The SM's are the ones who have to resolve the problem by disengaging and disassociating ourselves with the skids when, in reality, if DH had nipped the problem in the bud at the beginning of the marriage there would have been no need for disengagement.
I met SD when she was an adolescent. If DH had told and displayed to her in the beginning of our marriage that it as a priority for him I honestly think things would have taken a different turn. We still might not have liked each other but at least she would have known that she had as much of a responsibility to be cordial to me as I did to her.
Today I look back and wonder why I put up with the abuse for so long but I think self-conceived fear had a lot to do with it. Threat of divorce or loneliness or failure can be magnified in someone's mind to the point of being absurd. But I've been on this site for over 7 1/2 years and it is still being played out - over and over again.
We often say, "Don't put DH in the middle" or "Lower your expectations" when the best solution is for DH to BE in the middle and for us to heighten our expectations of DH.
Yep, I always say people don
Yep, I always say people don’t think a dad should be put in the middle of his OWN divorce or fallout from that. . . But, on the other hand, a SM (his wife) is supposed to put in the middle of SOMEONE ELSE’s divorce!?
I categorize all of those nonsensical attempts to keep SM in her place, on the bottom rung, type sayings such as, “Suck it up,” “Take the high road,” “Don’t put your DH in the middle,” “Lower your expectations,” etc. all in the same category. They are all sayings to imply it is more or less SM’s actions, thoughts or feelings that are all wrong; she is the one with the problem or issue. DH, BM, SKs, on the other hand, can all act however they want, even to the point of cruelty, and they are doing nothing wrong—they are somehow justified for their actions, “suffering” as divorced parents or COD.
As a sociologist, what I find even more amazing is how SPs, SMs in particular, are supposed to lap all this up and put up with same type of mantras that abused women have been told for years, such as, “1. You are expecting too much. 2. They don’t really mean it. 3. That’s just the way it is. 4. It could be worse. And, 5. Just stick it out and things will change." Etc. This is the type of blow-off crap that women were told for years to keep them kowtowing to their husbands and families. In the year 2018, women are supposed to know better now. No one is supposed to be using or buying these types of excuses. EXCEPT for SMs! For some reason, society still expects SMs (dad's wife) to buy this same type of blow-off crap that was used to greatly diminish abused women and smother their genuine concerns for years!! I don’t know about anyone else, but that’s not happening for me.
I never connected those dots
Idvilen—Your analogy to abusive relationships is spot on. I am not suggesting that there is violence here. Rather it is about the power play that requires women to just accept an impossible situation because it is not going to change. It is about power and control. And we fall for it. The “wicked SM” title gets foisted upon us. We try everything to make it work, forgetting that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
I am bringing this 2018 forum
I am bringing this 2018 forum topic back to the top of the pile- it is really GOOD and for those who have felt ab used, always put in lose-lose positions and unappreciated - this is really sage advice and a reminder of what we put up with and how it's abusive.
Thanks for floating this
Thanks for floating this topic.
Categorize and confront people based on their actions and never be fooled by their words. When their words or actions are toxic.... bare their asses, go for their throats (figuratively) while putting and keeping them in their place. A true equity life partner mate, will be front and center in that activity. Even when the toxic are their failed family progeny, Xs, or parents, sibs, etc....
Yes! The actions Rags, it's
Yes! The actions Rags, it's all about the actions. Recently one of my SKIDs did something mean to me- he never owned up to it and his dad called him on it. He gave his dad a weak apology and never actually apologized ot me. DH said, SEE he is sorry! And my response? Nah, if he was actually sorry his actions would be to tell ME he is sorry. Weak.