Annual Rant
In my previous posts, I was ready to explode over my SD's childishness, among which were letting my dog get away and instead of acknowledging her mistake could have led to the city ordering my dog put down, she bandaged herself fingertips to elbow for a scrape on her palm and spent the next three weeks updating us on the scrape, including multiple doctor's visits. For the past two years, we've done reasonably okay. Yes, she still did things that annoyed me, but in general I'd say she was really getting better (and I still believe many of her behaviors were the result of her first step-mother).
She just joined us for Christmas week. So today I was working with the (farm) animals. She had said she wanted to help while she's here--but it became clear not with any dirty work. So I asked her to take the puppy with her when she went back to the house and either 1) put him in his pasture; 2) put him in his kennel in the garage; or 3) take him in the house with her but keep an eye on him because he's still peeing on the floor. I also asked that she feed him, telling her exactly where his food is: in a white bin between the truck and the garage wall.
I finished my work half an hour later and went to check on the puppy. He was nowhere to be found. Not in the pasture, not in the house, not in his kennel. I spent almost 15 minutes looking for him before he came running.
She shrugged it off basically with, I'm helpless, I can't.
- He 'wouldn't' listen to her and go in the pasture--so she did nothing. (he's small enough and wearing a harness--it's easy to just take his harness and guide him in).
- He 'wouldn't' go into his kennel--so she didn't make him.
- She figured she wasn't capable of watching him so he wouldn't pee--so she didn't bring him in the house.
- She also didn't feed him or give him water because she couldn't figure out which white bin had the dog food in it. There's literally one white bin. She said all the white bins (there's only one) were clearly garbage bins. Yeah, it's technically a garbage can. And the lid is propped open by the dog food bag so you can literally see the dog food bag and with the least effort, the dog food.
Keep in mind she's twenty-three, lives on her own with roommates, has a good job, and is working on a master's degree.
I bit my tongue. I took her Christmas shopping for her dad, we had a good chat, we got home and it was back to the same stuff. I don't even remember the details at the moment but just the I'm helpless sort of stuff, asking me to 'help' her put away the food when I was clearly doing other work, leaving me feeling I would have to watch the puppy myself because she 'can't,' while also dealing with wrapping Christmas presents, and when her dad asked her to clean up where we were going to put up the tree, it just didn't get done.
Then there's the whispering with her dad (she whispers, him not so much) and the weird, prolonged clinging hugs that are more appropriate for a ten year old.
I have spent the night largely avoiding both of them. DH knows I'm in a bad mood. I see no point in telling him I'm pissed about this morning and I can't even remember the specifics of what happened when we got home except it was more of the same. He knows she has some issues and I think he doesn't know how to help her either.
I just need to blow off steam and vent. I don't understand this helpless act.
By all means, tell him you are pissed and why.
I get your anger and frustation. It is justified IMHO.
It is time for you and daddy to confront SDs crap. That is the best "help" for her IMHO. Tie her treatment to her behaviors and performance.
Just this brief entry into her Christmas week visit sets the tone for how daddy and you should confront her crap.
So, instead of not saying anything, outline to her daddy what you will say to her. Then stand up and go say it to her. If DH takes issue, tell him to address it under your supervision or you will fix it. Obviously neither SD nor daddy will like it if he fails to deliver to YOUR expectations and you have to address it
Her crap is pure manipulation and deflection. Do not tolerate it or let it go unaddressed.
She's an adult.
Who lives independently, has a job and manages to be in a masters degree program.
She should not have a problem following simple instructions but does when those instructions come from you. I mentioned this before - she's been in therapy for many years but it doesn't seem to be helping does it? At least in her relationship with you.
I'd say at this stage that she feels very uncomfortable with instructions from you (no matter the reasons why) and therefore, the best bet is to have your DH give her detailed directions on what she can do to help while she's visiting. She obviously has a blank comprehension when it comes to you. Perhaps it is fear that she will screw up AGAIN and her common sense goes out the window. Whatever you do, do NOT ever ask her to help with animal care again. She's failed at that several times so it's obvious you should not ask her to do it anymore.
I am sure she's had to receive instructions/guidance at school and in the workplace, but when it comes from you she can't handle it. Whatever.
It is interesting that you are able to go out shopping with her and have a resonable experience. That's more than I've ever gotten from my SD in almost two decades. She's never had a conversation with me nor has she spent a single hour in one-on-one time with me. She's in her 30s now and I know it will never change.
Bottom line is treat her like any other guest your DH has invited - like one of his coworkers. Any coordination or expectations should come from him. Any failure by the "guest" to perform basic courtesies should be addressed to/by DH. Don't expect her to do chores like part of the family, because for whatever reason she is not comfortable with you and probably sees herself as an unwelcome interloper. Thus the whispering.
It's not fair nor logical, but that's how it goes in steplife. Be thankful you only have to deal with her on occasion now.
Perfect!
Who lives independently, has a job and manages to be in a masters degree program.
Exactly this... to bare the ass of this purposly idiotic Skidult child.
"For a person in a graduate degree program why is it that you cannot complete something that would be simple for even an poor performing 6th grader?"
Lather... rinse... repeat.
If she can't be decent, she should not be present... in your life... or in her father's life.
IMHO.
You make a good point that we
You make a good point that we're fine when it doesn't involve her doing anything. We trade pleasant texts now and again. When her dad was sick I kept her updated for which she was very grateful. (it was nothing serious but her mom died when she was 13 and she's horribly paranoid at every little scratch he gets that she's going to lose him, too.) And this is why I believe some of this still goes back to the stepmother who just shredded her for everything she did--everything was wrong and she'd get chewed out for failure at almost any job she was given.
I think it's also a bit of laziness on her part. And just doesn't want to.
Sadly, I have pretty much decided to simply regard her as useless and another mouth to feed figuratively when she's here.
My stomach has been a wreck this morning (having a puppy has been stressful in and of itself) and DH asked if it was over the dog incident yesterday. I did ask if he's shown her where the dog food is and he said he will. I haven't ranted or yelled or anything but I did say to him this morning that I'm not happy about what happened yesterday.
IMHO, it is time to stop
IMHO, it is time to stop coddling daddy and demand that it is time that HE stop coddling his failed kidult child. Grad student or not, she is a failure. They both need that message.
Sure, a former SM may have caused issues, however, you are not that SM and it is long past time for this kid to own solving whatever baggage she is carrying from her deceased mother, toxic former SM, and the historical, current, and continued parental failures of her daddy.
It is not okay to toss a puppy out when you are too F'n lazy to do a couple of infantily simple tasks. She works far harder avoiding accountability than the 2.5mins of effort would have taken.
She needs her nose forcibly rubbed in that stinky spot on her character carpet by the scruff of her neck while getting repeatedly swatted on the rump and corrected in a stern voice.
Figuratively of course.
I am concerned that her
I am concerned that her ongoing 'therapy' has become a way of life for her as an excuse for her not to be intermally strong on her own, for herself.
You're right. The SM is now three years in the past and was there for a short time. It was during critical years in late high school/early college. But yes, it was a short time and I'm tired of feeling that I have to be ever gentle to avoid furthering that trauma.
I'm paying the price and my dogs are in a sense paying the price.
It did come up at dinner tonight when DH mentioned the dog 'getting out' and I said he didn't 'get out,' he was never put in in the first place and she tried to somehow justify that she didn't take his harness and make him go in because...she didn't know if he was used to that or if she'd somehow traumatize him by making him go in. Yeah. Okay.
I said being hit by a car if he got into the road because I didn't know I needed to check on him, would be more traumatic than being taken by his harness and put into the pasture.
I'm hoping bit by bit these little pieces will add up, for instance the clear statement tonight that he could have been hit by a car, and also continually asking myself if/what more to say.
She is very close to her dad who absolutely denigrates and ridicules my family but I also feel I'm also constantly walking this line that if I am too strong in my words, she'll just listen to anything coming through my kids from my FOO saying that I'm just...insert negatives....and that if I say anything against her failure to just put the dog in the pasture it must be my problem.
I suppose I need to realize I can't entirely control whether she's going to think about what DH and I say or whether she's going to take my alcoholic family's words as an out. But at least tonight another bit was dropped for her that the dog needed to be accounted for and her failure to do so could have led to bad consequences.
We'll see if there's any sign of that sinking in.
For what it's worth...I believe she really does want me to love her like a mother, She has refered to dh and I, to her friends, as 'my parents.' I believe she wants a mother figure, I believe she likes me. She once confronted my kids (swayed by my FOO) and defended me.
I know she wants to see her father happy and knows that he is happy with me...she can see it in everything we do and are together...yet she can't quite figure out that her own behavior is juvenile and irresponsible and I believe there's also that element of laziness and convincing herself she 'couldn't' rather than admitting she didn't feel like taking the time, to do it right.
A true and qualiy mother does
A true and quality mother does not coddle. A true mother has nothing to do with biology. You can be and are a true mother to this non viable Skidult.
Even if that is what the "kid" thinks that the kid wants.
So, stay on message, keep her nose planted in the puppy care failure, and don't let daddy or the Skid delude themselves on this or anything else.
As for your alcoholic FOO, is that something you keep front and center in the conversations with them? If not, why not.
I would not tolerate a booze brood demonize me unconfronted. It would be game on and I would be baring alcoholic ass left, right, and center... publically.
It took a number of years, (16+) for my DW to finally confront her family on their bullshit. That initiated about 4yrs of banishment, we visited any time we wanted whether they liked it or not. After she called the most toxic elements out and following the 4yr pout fest from them, they called a family meeting. Their plan was to use it to attack DW and everyone else in the family. I cut this shit off dead. I managed the meeting, I built the agenda, and I enforced MY rules for the meeting. No dredging up past crap. Focus was solely on moving forward as a family with mutual respect for everyone and their mate.
The toxic duo tried to ply their bullshit, I told them to knock it off or they were out of the meeting. That caused some hurt fee fees and some pouting, but... a few hours later we had formated the family path forward.
It was a waterhshed moment and we have had a mostly minimal drama IL clan family journey since then. That was 14yrs ago.
We did have a hiccough a month ago during TG. The Bovine Bride of BIL1 Z'd out to her historic toxic bullshit, DW would have none of it and got the whole family to a state of clarity. No one was comfortable, but... the Bovine Bride was not allowed to do her newly resurrected bullshit.
So, bare the alcoholic asses of your FOO and highlight that... you are not their whipping post.
IMHO of course.
Take care of yourself.
Yes, I called them out quite
Yes, I called them out quite a few years ago. Drew a line and said my sister finally had to STOP her behavior or I wouldn't attend anything at her house. Went from bad to worse when I realized I will always be treated as they treated me because my dad approves of their view of me as the family scapegoat/screw up. I quit going and they have shunned me ever since.
I have told my kids they NEED to read up on alcoholic family dynamics to understand what's going on here. I believe none of them have. They like being part of the big family gatherings and big family. One son at least has made a very negative comment about all the gossip going on among them and I think others see some of it, too. They still keep going and they like their cousins but at least the boys are not turning on me.
Time for a script. Write a
Time for a script. Write a few key sentences and go to family gatherings radiating your happy full life. You and DH be at each other's side. Being radiant and happy sends the toxic minions scurrying for the corners like roaches scurry when a light is thrown on in a dark roach filled room. Be that light. Be radiant. Be dismissive of the toxic people unless they get confrontational. If/when they do, roll our some pointed statements to shove them back under their alky rock. The roaches will scurry.
Example scripted statements:
"Chill out and go have another drink (fill in name here). We would all appreciate you passed out tather than talking."
"Time for some of the usual blather powered by liquid dumb ass."
"Funny how you grow a spine only when you have been drinking. Too bad as you drink your brain shrinks even more. smh"
"So, how much money could have have invested if you had bought a mutual fund rather than countless thousands of gallons of booze?"
"Wow, open a window, the alcohol outgassing from your pickled body is overpowering."
"Here is the number for the alcoholics crisis hot line. Do us all a favor and call it." - Keep a stack of those cards in your pocket for the gathering.
Let your creative juices flow on how to bare their asses. Tolerate no bullshit. If you choose not to attend, make sure to do something amazing during that time and post pic proof of your amazing life while they all wallow in their booze soup delusions and criticize you for.... living well.
DW and I know that her family talk about us when we are not there. Fine. Good. It means they see the differences in the life we live and the life they live. The default is to backstab and criticize behind the backs of whoever is in the shit bird seat at any given time. They then wrinkle their noses and roll their eyes if that person is present but do not have the spine to say the things that they say behind that persons back to their face.
DW and I do not have that problem. "Is something wrong with your eye?". "Apparently you are bothered by something. What might that be? Lets get it out and talk about it.". "Hmm, I'm sorry your in a bad mood. But thanks for not ruining the gathering by brooding and pouting. Is there anything we can all do to help?"
We do not tolerate the manipulative bullshit. They either don't do it, or they are confronted for it when we are there. Interestingly, the currently most active back stabber element of the IL clan will usually not attend the gathering. Even when we have notified the family months in advance of a visit we will be making, the primary pairing of toxicity will just not be around and no one knows where they are only to find out they went camping or whatever.
Fine by us. Though our preference would be to see everyone. When they return after we have left they complain that we did not stay to see them, we call that shit out too. It is usually BIL1 and his Bovine Bride. Everyone else is mostly decent. Though they all have an incredibly highly developed ability to ignore bullshit. I, do not have that ability and neither does my wife. Though it all does break her heart. Which infuriates me to no end. She has a heart of gold and their crap hurts her.
Be the light, be radiant, be cutting to idiocy and tolerate zero crap.
Enjoy your quality life. I hope your kids can work through the clarity cycle and not wallow in that shithole of an extended gene pool. You ... are doing life right. Your FOO is not.
Keep it simple.
"she didn't know if he was
"she didn't know if he was used to that"
" Do you seriously think that I'd ask someone who couldn't decide which white bin was the right one when there was only one to take ANY kind of initiative? You had ONE job to do, only one."
Start calling her out she's playing silly buggers.
Do you think any of her
Do you think any of her behavior is passive aggressive? I have always been concerned about my dogs around SS, as he, as a full-grown adult, has exhibited jealousy of them. I have had to watch him like a hawk around my dogs and have asked DH to do the same (luckily, we rarely have SS in our house, and have agreed that he will not be here again in the future). He pretends to "play" with them but it is too often play the dogs don't like (it's obvious and we've had to stop it). . . he zeroes in on the one who seems the least likely to bite, and has even mentioned that "he is fearful." *diablo* He was throwing the ball for one of our dogs in our front yard and the ball was landing a few yards from the street. I could see it rolling into the street (woops! by accident. sorry your dog is gone!), and we had to tell the idiot to stop.
Sorry...when you mentioned your dogs paying the price, my alarms went off. A sensitive topic for me!
I have avoided and "been in a
I have avoided and "been in a bad mood" when I am afraid I'm going to blow. When you feel less annoyed, can you ask her to sit down with you and have a talk? Or, better yet, have the talk with both your SD and your DH at the same time. Or just speak with DH and tell him to tell SD to get her S together. Like now.
I've been turning over in my
I've been turning over in my mind kinder ways of saying it. I've contemplated trying to make a 'joke' about how she must have it in for my dogs. Or keeping it low key and just pointing out that the dog could have gotten in the road or lost when I didn't know I had to keep an eye on him.
DH is fully aware she has some issues. A couple years ago he was pushing her to help with the cooking and actually use a knife. I more or less trust that he has said something to her about this or will.
A successful President once
A successful President once said... "Trust but verify." Without verification of follow through, there is no true trust with underperforming manipulative people.
We learned to engage SS with 'Show me." rather than asking him if he got an assigned task completed. When we made that change, in short order, he learned to actually do it because we would verify.
This work for adults as well as with kids.
It can be an iterative process. When they have a duty, say doing the dishes, and you notice that there has been plenty of time for that task to be completed verification can include a pre-step. "Why aren't the dishes done?" With a telling head shake and smirk.
Then ask later, and verify.
Lather, rinse, repeat until they learn that anything less than compliance to behavioral standards and performance standards will not be tolerated.
They may never recognize it, but... this is one of he most critical lessons a parent figure can instill.
IMHO of course.
Whoa. I just replied to your
Whoa. I just replied to your other response above before seeing this.
Id feel pissed too
And then I disengage.
I am of the opinion its a "learned helplessness" thing. She "cant figure it out" gets her out of actually doing it.
Which is why parents who
Which is why parents who raise children to quality adulthood hold those children accountable to completing tasks and solving issues.
In my case, I hated oiling furniture. That was one of my chores about once a quarter. We had quite a bit of high quality wooden furniture that needed regular dusting/cleaning and periodic wood oiling. I detested that job. So, it would take me a number of weekends to complete. I would bitch, moan, and procrastinate. My parents were always of the "tuff shit, get it done" school.
So I learned to knock it out and get on with something I would rather be doing.
I had a similar relationship with math. I hated it. But my engineer/USMC dad would have none of that crap. We spent countless hours grinding through math homework at the dining table for several years. I never became a talented mathmatician but I did learn it. It is pretty much second nature for me... even the better part of 50 years later.
"Tuff shit, get it done" is a magic performance spell that quality parents use to raise children to viable decent adulthood. With some applied guidance and an occassional foot to the ass. Figuratively of course.
IMHO of course.
23 years old
Its too late to apply parenting techniques I feel at this age, its a done deal. Labeling?
The whispering would drive me cray cray. "whats that didnt hear you?' shouted...
When they are launched it is
When they are launched it is too late to rewind and parent effectively. Though it is never too late to keep a parental foot up their ass and tolerate no crap, whiney pathetic behavioral effluent, or woe is me bullshit.
IMHO.
I fully agree.
I fully agree.
Every time she pulls the "
Every time she pulls the " but I don't know HOW" card, I'd tell my husband she needs to see a neurologist (in front of her, yes) because at her age she should be able to handle simple tasks by herself. I'm not a fan shaming but here it's appropriate because she is wilfully playing stupid.
I struggle with this. My dad
I struggle with this. My dad was huge on treating me like an idiot if I didn't get things right and done quickly (we're talking from the time I was quite young, and things like helping him with plumbing or building a deck cause yeah, an 8-year-old should just know what a Philips screwdriver is, right?) One of my failures as a parent has been trying too hard never to make my kids feel like he made me feel.
I don't want to make comments like that. I don't want to be anything like her first stepmother. And yet, I think it was almost impossible not to look at her like she had two heads when she told me 'all the white bins' (all one of them) were 'clearly garbage cans.' She saw me look at her like, What in the heck are you talking about??? and I immediately went out to the garage to even see what she was talking about.
This isn't a child who lacks
This isn't a child who lacks experience, this is an adult who is playing at being a toddler. Go for it. Play stupid games... She isn't a child and she isn't stupid, expose her for what she is.
I'm considering today if/what
I'm considering today if/what to say to her. Trying to be kind about it--yet get some improvement. I've considered pointing out to her the potential consequences to the dogs of her now two failures with them. I've considered pointing out that if she didn't know something at work that she was asked to do, she'd clarify directions and figure it out because her job depends on it.
Interestingly, her boss as more or less invited her to apply for a more senior leadership role. So I know she's halfway competent at her job.
Then again, I may just leave DH to deal with it and remind myself I'll probably spend no more than two weeks a year with her and, as someone said, treat her like a guest. I suppose it still is irritating because the last guest I had a few weeks ago, a friend, loved to just sit on the porch and keep an eye on the dogs. SD will literally tell me she's not capable of doing even that.
ETA And for the record, it's not like I really expect her to do any real work when she's visiting. It was literally just, "If you're going back to the house, can you put the puppy in his pasture or kennel on your way up or just keep an eye on him in the house." I wouldn't even consider that asking her to really do a job of any sort. Just life.
Oh, I'd be pissed and it
Oh, I'd be pissed and it would not be good. We live on a farm and have a working farm dog who is also our best friend and companion. This dog is our world. I would have gone off on her.
Once my sons moved out I
Once my sons moved out I never expected them to do anything around the house. They do, especially now that they have families. The two cleaned up everything from our party last night. I would view her as a guest, not a kid who lives there. I also would say something when she walked in the room, just hi is enough. Then she can't make you feel like ESM!