Changes
SO and BM2 were in court for the past 3 years over CS and custody. It was ugly, there were ex-partes, etc. The one good thing about it was that during that time, BM followed the custody schedule with one of the kids, SS13. The other SS is 19 and lives with SO full-time.
When SO worked nights, I would stay at his house on his off week, and that was also SO's custody time with SS13. SO never stayed at my house during those years. When SO switched to days, our agreement was that on the weeks SO had SS13, i would stay at his house, and when he did not, SO would stay at my house. My kid just turned 18 and would stay alone half the time, and SO's kid who is 19 stayed alone half the time.
Back to the court case. Since the settlement, BM2 has changed the schedule last minute 4 out of 14 days. (ETA and by last minute i mean 7-9 pm that same night) Once it was so SS13 could visit with SD24, who has a different BM but was visiting SO. The second time, when SS was waiting to go back to BM's, BM said she couldn't bring SS to school the next day so he had to stay at SO's. SO wanted me to last minute switch to sleeping at his house these nights. I said no. Now, this weekend, SS13 is supposed to be with SO, but BM's husband wants to take SS hunting. Another last minute change for the whole weekend.
I told SO that i can't do it. I'm tired of leaving my house and my kid and i don't want to pick up and have to move houses for the night at BM's whim. SO said he doesn't feel he can say no to his child and agreed, and I will stop sleeping at his house entirely. When SO doesn't have SS13, he says he will stay at my house.
I wonder if this is like a low key slow breakup. Since SO switched to days, the only real time we spent together was in bed. I was willing to keep up my end of half time at my place and half time at SO's, but i'm too damn old to be shuffled from house to house at BM's whim like a neglected skid.
And to be honest, what i feel most is relief. It never felt like home to me at SO's house, and i was spending 75% of my nights there toward the end.
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Comments
It could be a slow break up
It could be a slow break up or it could be him realizing the strain he is putting on you for his kid. Only time will tell!
I guess when someone has kids
I guess when someone has kids with a HCBM, there's only so much that can be done. BM doesn't come right out and ask him to make changes. She uses the kids. She knows just how to get them all excited to either stay with SO when they aren't supposed to (Hey SS, you want to go to your dad's? Your sister is there and you guys can have so much fun! Just ask him! Or, you can stay here as planned but we will be deep cleaning and the internet will be down.) Or - to get them hyped up about something that's happening on SO's time (Hey SS - stepdad is leaving tomorrow to go on an amazing hunting weekend (lists fun things.) Hurry, ask your dad, before stepdad leaves without you!)
Between that and the constant court battles, SO is just worn down. He doesn't have the heart to argue every time. TBH, all he wants to do these days is go to the pool hall. He's there about 40 hours a week now. 7 days a week, between 7 am and 9 pm, he's either at work or the pool hall, and he only works 40 hrs a week.
Hmm? 40hrs at the bar/pool hall. 40hrs at work.
When exactly is he your SO?
Sounds more like he uses you as his beck and call girl/safe harbor and your home as his zero cost Virbo.
No balls with his X or his kids, juvenile bullship failure of a non-man.
This guy fails the smell test on all kinds of odiferous levels.
IMHO.
Value yourself more.
Please.
IDK.. I'm thinking between
IDK.. I'm thinking between his kid.. and his pool hall committments and his job.. there just isn't a lot of room for a girlfriend.
I don't know whether it's the point where he has grown comfortable and doesn't feel he has to put out for you? or whether he has even found another interest at the pool hall.. it wouldn't be the first time someone turned out to be a cheater.
What I do know is that you are an extremely smart and independent woman.. and I think at this point. you deserve to have a partner that is a partner to you.. and can prioritize you.. or you might as well enjoy a full life and do things like travel that may not be things that he wanted to do with you etc.. life your life the way you want.. you may find that you find someone more like minded.
Say no to his kid???
He needs to say no to his useless XW. This really has nothing to do with saying no to his kid.
IMHO
Great job ending the catering to SO's lack of spine with his X.
That was my argument. She
That was my argument. She immediately started her bullsh!t again once the court case was closed. SO tried to deflect and minimize but it was so obvious to me. He acts like she is dumb and just has ADD, but this witch has shown she is extremely sly and willing to play the long game. His refusal to acknowledge that led to me finally saying "enough." I held up my end of SO and my "custody arrangement." He would rather just not stay together than hold up his.
Exactly why eternal zero tolerance and escalating maximum pain
and abject misery delivered upon the toxic opposition is the only option when there is a toxic opposition. They either comply with the CO and standards of performance and standards of behavior invoked by the quality side of the equation or they suffer. Period. Dot.
No empathy, no caring, just consequence after consequence after consequence when they ply their shallow and polluted gene pool manipulative toxic bullshit.
he needs to tidy up his life
he needs to tidy up his life before asking someone to share it.
Agree. I'm so glad i didn't
Agree. I'm so glad i didn't act rashly and move forward.
If he is so worn down, how does he have energy for pool?
If he is so worn down, how does he have energy for pool? Are you sure there isn't another reason he is spending so much time at a bar? You are a smart and compassionate woman - you deserve better. Good for you for choosing to quit schlepping to his place - let him make some effort.
You and BM are fighting
For CONTROL. control of your life, BM to control her power. For someone who spend that much time in court why stop now ...file for contempt.. That BM isn't living up to agreement. She is playing games. Seeing how far she can push . And push..
DH should live by the agreement, no changer, no switching, NO exter time with SS 24. NO hunting. This how things get off track. He agreeing to this, then it's going to get blurry, on what he agreed to or not . You and DH are causing your own problems..