Small children and bday parties
I'm wondering how to handle my sons at their birthday parties. My SS6 has ADHD so he is impulsive and has emotional outbursts whenever my BS3 has a birthday and receives gifts. Last year he would take my sons presents as soon as he got them and play with them which made my son cry and so eventually, since he couldn't share or let my son play with his new gifts without interrupting, I sent him upstairs wailing and screaming which was embarrassing in front of our party guests.
When SS had his bday party over the summer my son had the same issue of wanting to play with SS's new toys so I had to keep him back and he was crying so eventually I took him out of the room while SS got to play with all his new bday gifts and tried to explain why he couldn't play with the new toys right now. It was just easier to keep the boys separated because SS was rubbing it all in BS's face going "haha these are MY toys" and whooping and hollering while playing with them and not sharing. Later that night I told SS that is fine- that when BS has HIS bday he wouldn't be able to play with his bday toys, either.
So now BS is having a bday in 2 weeks and SS is already jealous and asking for gifts of his own. I've been reminding him that on BS's bday he won't be able to play with BS's new toys that day unless he decides to share them and that he will get new toys at Christmas. I'm already dreading the bday party.
How do I handle the party with BS opening new gifts- all toys that I know SS will want and will throw a massive fit over- I'm talking screaming and lying on the floor kicking and crying. How do parents handle small children during these events? I don't think it's fair to make BS share his brand new bday toys right away on his bday- SS always breaks every toy they get. He's so destructive. What should I do?
If SS starts trying to take
If SS starts trying to take the toys or throwing a fit, someone needs to be pre-prepared (that someone being his dad or another family member) to escort SS out. Prepare SS in advance by telling him several times what is expected of him. Tell him if he acts right, he will get a little present of his own when you get home. If he doesn't act right, he is escorted out of the party for time out and no present at home. If he starts his behavior problems, maybe give him a little warning "SS, remember what we talked about!" and give him a chance to correct himself. If he doesn't listen, he will have to wait out in the car. Your 3-year-old is a bit too young for such tactics so separating them was probably the best action. When your kid is a bit older, you can teach him how to behave at birthday parties the same way. I know some people might think the present waiting at home for SS is coddling but if he changes his behavior that well, i think he will have "earned" it. It also might make DH more on board with the plan if he thinks his son is "getting something" out of all this boring pain-in-the-butt parenting (besides needed social skills and self-control lol.)
Maybe SS is still too
Maybe SS is still too emotionally immature to be attending birthday parties, even his siblings. What steps are being taken to help SS learn how to cope with his feelings and how to control himself in situations such as this?
you shouldn't have to resort
you shouldn't have to resort to plotting to get DH on board. Your little guy is his son too. Please promise me one thing, if you see things continuing as they are, please consider the damamge it will do to your son.
We had unbirthday presents
We had unbirthday presents growing up... small... but distracting.
It's not his turn. That's
It's not his turn. That's the phrase I used with my girls. It relates to school and taking turns there. I would not tolerate the behavior you described. That's not loving behavior. It's our job as parents to teach our kids to treat each other with kindness. Dad needs to step in and make sure birthday boy has a great day and that big brother acts accordingly.
Would it work to give SS one small present?
Would it work to give SS one small present? ESMOD also suggested this. Maybe something interactive that might take his attention?
I also think that at the same
I also think that at the same time.. advanced preparation of the children to prepare them for the fact that their sibling will be the center of attention and that the gifts are for the "birthday boy".. and that the birthday boy gets to play with their own toys first..
The unbirthday present idea kind of softens the blow for really young kids that can't fully grasp the concept of the "unfairness" of watching others get things while they don't. And.. I would consider both of those kid's ages as firmly in that stage where they don't have life all figured out yet.. And.. the unbirthday present isn't a reward for bad behavior if you give it before that behavior starts either...
I would also ensure that there is someone at the party.. dad.. grandma.. someone that can distract and intervene before it gets to full meltdown stage.. (hey.. let's go to the kitchen.. get a cupcake while no one is looking.. distract.. )
KISS - Keep it Stupid Simple.
SS does not attend your DS's party.
End of problem.
Make sure that DH pawns his toxic spawn off on BM.
I would.
Older kids have had their turn at the younge ages. It is the younger kid's turn. Defend that hill to the death. It is a hill I would die on as a parent to a younger half sibling of a toxic StepSpawn. Secial needs or not.
SS is 6. School age. The age
SS is 6. School age. The age where the friend birthday parties start. If this child cannot act appropriately at his sibling's party, he should not be allowed to attend any friend parties.
I agree. A 3-year-old can be
I agree. A 3-year-old can be "managed" with distraction and treats but a 6-year-old who isn't taught and expected to have self-control is being failed by his parents. ADHD or not. Unless he is also intellectually challenged, like to the point of being in a special class, his developmental stage is past the point of beginning to learn social skills. Kids in regular education in kindergarten or first grade sit in their seats, keep their hands to themselves, and do things on a schedule. If they don't, there are consequences, at least at school.
You set it up with
DH If SS starts throwing a fit, DH will take SS out side and talk with him until he capable of returning to the party. There is no reason BS birthday party should be ruined by SS. Or maybe send SS to BM s. For the party. I am assuming that getting SS one gift isn't going to do anything.
This is DH problem. He's the parent, he has to parent his DS. Has to explain to him the concept that the birthday person gets gifts as he receives gifts only on his Bday. That this is how life works. Also one doesn't screw up everyone's day because he feel left out. DH must understand he can't upset all the party guest by his son having a fit.. Having a fit will not be tolerated..and SS gets some form of punishment for acting out. [IDK. something fitting . Something SS see as punishment]
My skids are not that close
My skids are not that close in age to DD (4 years between YSD and DD), so we've never had that problem - DD's toys don't appeal to skids. If we did, however, the offending SK (or DD, for a skid bday party) would be removed. Sibling or not, I would not allow the birthday child's party to be ruined by another child's tantrums and misbehavior. Put your husband on notice that either SS is not welcome at your son's party or H will need to leave with SS at the first sign of trouble. And your husband should definitely think hard about whether SS should accept invitations to birthday parties from his peers. He doesn't sound ready for that.
Clearly this is dad's issue
Clearly this is dad's issue to manage here.
First, he needs to PREPARE his 6 year old that it his his little brother's birthday and that the little brother will be getting presents and attention.. and that he will not be allowed to play with these toys until after his brother does.
Second, he needs to monitor his child's behavior.. and when he starts to go off script.. he needs to give him a reminder.. and maybe that reminder involves a quick trip to the kitchen to talk.. before it gets to full on meltdown mode.
Third.. they could manage things with the presents so that the kids aren't "allowed" to play with toys during the party.. the birthday kid opens present.. present is taken by parent to put on "out of reach display".. then they move on to some game activities planned for the kids.. so if no one is playing with the toys.. then no one is whining about their turn right? After everyone goes home..any conflicts at least can be dealt with privately.
Another suggestion - find a
Another suggestion - find a slightly older kid who SS looks up to. Maybe a cousin or family friend. A kid who is well-behaved. Use him as an example. When my son was like 3-6, i would use his older cousin. "Timmy doesn't snatch toys. He's a big boy. See?" "Look at Timmy, he isn't fussing. Look how much fun he's having? Timmy doesn't fuss about ice cream. That's what babies do. You aren't a baby, are you? Now go have fun!" Crap like that. It helped.
This kid has ADHD
This kid has a Disneeeey dad who doesn't understand his kid. Does not understand that his kid is out of control and is doing nothing about it. How many parties, trip, vacation will this kid have destroyed until his father see there is a problem here.,
'His father has to sur with this kid explain the way BDAY party's work. Each kid gets his own party on hid Birthday.. That other people are there and you have to behave. If the kid starts something then father takes kid outside away from the party and fixes the problem..Not take the kid to McDonald for a gapoy meal.
My son also has ADHD. When he
My son also has ADHD. When he was that age, he needed a good consistent schedule. There was a simple system of "rewards" that were built into his day and were taken one by one for "infractions." The ability to use electronics was one and a small dessert after supper was the other. If he got in trouble at school or at home, each infraction lost one reward. If he got in trouble more than twice, he went into timeout in his room at home.
There was a lot of instructing and redirecting. You have to be very specific with instructions. "Pay attention" didn't register. I had to say "When the teacher/coach/parents are talking, look at them."
You can't get tired and let them break the rules without consequence or you have to start over. You have to make a big deal about it with praise when they do well. He managed to get by without ADHD meds, doing well at school and with behavior, except for a few years at the start of college.
Inconsistency by the parents is, to me, the worst thing for kids with ADHD and you absolutely can't reward bad behavior when it's easy. At school, things are consistent. It's at home that a lot of ADHD kids struggle. With him, having each new day be a fresh start worked best, too. Anything that went beyond one day didn't register as far as connecting the behavior with the reward or consequence.