I think people, women especially, are socialized to feel like they have to always love kids, always put them first, etc. I know i used to be that way, and when some of the skids did things that i found to be intolerable, i felt this sense of shame that i couldn't, well, tolerate them.

I have my own kids and i have worked with kids and it felt like a personal failure on my part that i couldn't "Maria Von Trapp" the situation. The dynamics of a guilty bioparent, an oppositional ex, parental competition, etc., were things i had never dealt with. It took me a long time to admit to myself that certain boundaries were ok and even necessary.

My SO once said to me (accusingly as if i had just been discovered to be a child murderer) "Sometimes i think maybe you have a problem with SS!" After sitting there a few seconds like i had just been caught doing something awful, i said "Well, yes, and here are the things i have problems with!" And i listed some really messed-up behaviors. When it comes to things like issues with kids, boundaries with BMs/BDs, a lot of people really don't feel they have a right to have an opinion and defend themselves. 

I agree.  Society definitely doesn't get it.  Often  "partners" have been gaslighting the step parent so badly that they're questioning their own sanity.

Validation is priceless. 

Could be they are just double checking with an unbiased crowd, because it's hard to tell sometimes if your are seeing things through the "evil step mother"eyes, or of you're seeing things more clearly than you thought... 

I think when a "normal " person marries a "dysfunctional " person, they get in to and find out just how bad it is.  Because they didn't grow up in it, they approach life as they always did.  Then BAM, reality knocks them over and they are gobsmacked by it all.  I had no experience with the dysfunction my ex brought to the table. He hid it for 2 years then we got married and the mask slipped. I learned about it all from his sister.  Rags, it happens, I mean you got duped by your first wife.  You didn't tolerate it and kicked her to the curb but women are conditioned to tolerate way more by society.  

So much on this. Women in particular are taught to self-sacrifice for their families including the ones they didn't create. We're left feeling and believing we are responsible for terrible behavior, choices and actions of SKIDs and parents who created them. We're told by everyone "it's our fault." Then one day we wake up - sometimes it's death by a 1,000 cuts, other times it's just that horrific final action that slaps us out of this abuse and we gain incredible clarity or both.

For me it was both - I had been beaten down by crappy treatment and anger from SKIDs that had nothing to do with me - I was the focus of their crap for 10 years. I had gotten used to being criticized about everything- my cooking was horrible (I would sheepishly chuckle and apologize to the teenage SKID boy telling me this...that's how low I was), wanting to know how my money was being spent (I am extremely responsible and don't need a SKID or two telling me how to handle budget as if they had any contribution whatsover except to eat it away), and commandeering the home - literally filled with their garbage everywhere. Finally one terrific moment where one adult SKID made a series of poor decisions which I was in one way or another paying for did me a huge favor.

It was a dinner (which I would inevitably be paying for.) Wife of SKID proceeds to tear me down and can not even recognize ANY of my efforts. I am told that my intent is bad, evil and I am no good. All of a sudden in that moment EVERYTHING flashed before my eyes - I cut the dinner off, did not proceed to even say good bye, hug or wave - I waited in the car for DH. That was the day I knew I had reached my limit and this was absolutely a raw deal with these SKIDs. One of my favorite flashbacks as I sat there in my anger - and I mean RAGE because I realized all these years I was being kicked around by these SKIDs and now a power yielding step-daughter in law, that I had allowed this - memories that I had BLOCKED started showing up-

Times I traveled for graduations and only to have backs turned to me, events where I came with cakes, etc - only to have SKIDs complain about the cake platter, times where I showed up to their events only to be turned away, left on the sidewalk or have a full set of daughter in law family members STARING ME DOWN and actively treating me as scum- and having spoken not a word to them. I realized this entire well was poisoned by these SKIDs (not their mom- them, the SKIDs.) Sitting in that car allowing myself to get ANGRY - rage-filled anger allowed me to start the healing process. I now go into any situation with CLEAR and transparent observations - I NEVER give them the benefit of the doubt anymore, I accept the reality of who they are and their behaviors and I act accordingly.

If I am not being respected and their acting terrible - I control only myself and I simply stop participating. I don't cook for them anymore - nothing. I don't serve up fancy dinners out - nope, find your own food. I don't plan wonderful vacations and spend my money on them- NONE. I don't even give christmas presents- I see it for what it is now and I understand that I was conditioned through society and my own good nature to believe that I can win them over and that love prevails. But I am now older, wiser and stronger- I know their negative percpetion of me is not true and so I act accordingly and do what I need for myself, DH and the ones I love and love me back.

It takes time Rags, we're really conditioned to be maytrs but most of us through the fog find our way and when we do we do not look back. 

Because on this site.. most of the time.. people post a fairly narrow question.. but don't include a lot of balancing information...

Like the women who are not self sufficient (yes.. I know many on her are the full sufficient..lol)  they don't have the means to leave.

Relationships that aren't black and white.. where there is a lot of good too...

The stigma.. or cultural or family pressures to  make things work.. parents.. inlaws.. church.. friends

The fact that in the grand scheme of things.. the issues may be worth a vent here.. but the balance isn't all that bad?

Most likely all of this would be somewhat normal.Two parents doing for there kids. Having the "Happy Family" white pickets fense 3 1/2 bedrooms 2 1/4 bathrooms.  Singing and flocking.    It's when they divorce, find a new relationship and think nothing is going to change.  
Still spend the holidays with the ex and kids as before.  Etc. not taking in the fact that the new SO really doesn't care about the kids.  That the new SO wants a new life with his SO.  He wants to spend the holidays his way. Doesn't want the ex controlling his life. 
'That his SO puts him first and the ex is on his own. Divorcing means it's ended. You can't remain friends and have a new relationship with someone else   That there is always a spot in SO heart for her ex.  When my DW EX died she was worried about who was going to bury him.  That we should pay so "TheKids" know where there father was.  That didn't go over well with me on so many levels.

I was married before the internet, where people were afraid to speak about SLife  

Sir,

I am not sure it is the step-parent not seeing the obvious, it is the actual bioparents willfully ignoring what is going on in their own homes.  For many parents to admit that their own child has not lived up to expectations is difficult to admit.  Oftentimes they will attack anyone (step parents, teachers, friends, law enforcement, etc) that suggest that their offspring are any less than perfect and see that as an assault on their genetics or parenting.  A lot of step parents on this site are looking for a solution to the obvious issues and unless the biological parents are willing to significantly change, there really seems to be only a couple of choices, live with it or leave.  Bioparents on this site often prioritize saving their egos (or minimizing conflict with their children or ex-spouse) over saving their own children and/or their relationship with their partner.  I agree that no worthy partner should allow their partner to be attacked by anyone , especially family, but I have read so many examples of stepparents being abused physically, verbally, emotionally and financially by stepchildren, stepadults and bioparents on this site that perhaps it is the partner problem, not a stepparent problem.  Just my humble opinion.

Sir,

Again this is only my opinion.  I look at stepparents tolerating the intolerable as less than frustrating and more about how they got in the situation in the first place.  In many cases I feel that the bad situations are akin to how to kill a frog....by very slowly heating up the water that it is in.  By the time the frog realizes it is in trouble, it is too late to save itself.  Many step-situations start with small, uncorrected bad behaviors (by the bio-parents, stepchildren and/or step-adults) and very slowly escalate over time.  So what might have seemed too petty to fight about early in the relationship becomes increasingly impossible to ignore with the passage of time.  And at that point, many step-parents have invested significant time, energy and money and may have even had additional children with their partner and have the very difficult decision to make....live with it or leave.  Even early on in relationships, small issues don't always seem that important and it is very difficult to realize that you are the frog in some nice, comfortable warm water.  I guess confronting your partner, early on, on the small issues and observing how he/she deals with them, should give you a clue as to whether or not, it is worth staying in the relationship.

I can see how it's playing out for me (and for most of the people around me) for instance. What I can say is that, for a lot of us swimming in our own swamp, there is an unconscious pattern at play. As long as it is not made conscious, all the good advice and discernment we receive from well meaning people are ineffective. Moreover, most of us, for one reason or another, have this ingrained belief we don't deserve something better (in fact we don't even know any different because of repeating pattern). And, last but not least, which is known, even if it is uncomfortable or nightmarish, is not as frightening as the unknown. Nothing will help better than a good therapist in almost all cases, but at least this forum gives something incredibly valuable : acceptance for oneself and accountability.