Boundaries and Betrayal?
My SO recently changed from working nights to working days. He works in an area where it's all women, except for 2 other guys. One is the boss, and SO is nervous around him, and the other is a coworker who SO hates. That leaves only women for him to socialize with at work. I have had issues in the past with what I considered to be boundary issues/lack of professionalism with some of SO's female coworkers. Here's the latest, and this is mostly a vent.
This particular coworker is early 30s, and is currently going through heated custody battles for two kids under 5, each with a different dad. Let's call her "Britney." SO is currently embroiled in a court case with BM2 over money and has had to deal some with BM1 lately. Apparently Britney has been giving SO legal advice, and they have bonded a bit over their similar woes. All of which made me a bit nervous but i was determined to try and trust in SO's ability to maintain professional boundaries. But Britney did set my Spidey Sense off from the start.
Here is where it gets weird. Over the past few months, SO has been reporting being really tired. He goes to work for 8 hours most days then goes to the pool hall until 8 or 9 pm. On weekends, he goes to the pool hall from about noon to 7. I tried not to make a big deal about it since SO has been so stressed and i thought the relaxation would be good for him.
But, a few weeks ago, SO started saying he really needed more energy. He made an appointment with a PCP he knows to ask him if he would prescribe an amphetamine to help him stay awake throughout the day. I thought it was strange, since SO hasn't been diagnosed or medicated for ADD before. He had mentioned once to me that Britney takes about 10 different psych meds including for ADHD. So...last night I asked. "Does your sudden interest in amphetamines have anything to do with Britney?" I felt crazy for asking but he admitted that yes, Britney has been sharing her meds with him at work. He got mad and said it's no big deal, he gets Advil from other coworkers too. He got upset with me for "making him feel weird about it."
Of course i am upset about the legalities of it and upset that SO felt so exhausted he turned to this. I worry about his health. But...most of all (and I know what it says about me that this is my "most of all"), I feel he has crossed yet another boundary with a female coworker and the feeling of betrayal and disappointment is the worst part of it for me. Idk what i'm going to do about it, if anything. Just putting it out into the universe.
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when you ask your SO a
when you ask your SO a question about their odd activity and they immediatly go to anger, dig deeper.
Oh Hell No
That is an absolute boundary crossing event and one that needs to be addressed immediately. Drug sharing is NEVER right...NEVER. And when drug sharing begins, that means the relationship is deep and personal. No one shares drugs ILLEGALLY with strangers or acquaintences.
As AgedOut said, dig deeper. Something is not right.
Yeah. If your working
Yeah. If your working relationship is on the "friendly but professional" level, i don't know how you would even work it into the conversation. I'm just beyond disappointed.
Only 10 psyche meds?!?
Only 10 psyche meds?!? Sounds like he has poor coping skills and looks in the wrong places for solutions. Why is he tired? I was expecting to hear of a prescription for a blue pill not ADHD meds. How's your sex life? Or is he too tired ??
It's Britney who's on the
It's Britney who's on the meds. SO didn't take any before this. Our sex life is fine. Almost daily! I don't know what else i can possibly due to be a supportive SO.
Why, do you want to be
Why, do you want to be supportive of this trainwreck of a non-man?
Take care of you.
Idk....
Maybe consider this relationship is too much...drama...negatives....worry.
You just got out of a bad marriage. This relationship is pretty new to be having so many issues?
Idk. Maybe it's just me and my full bullshit bucket...
I understand about the
I understand about the bullshit bucket, and mine's filling up, too! I've actually been with SO for 5 years. My ex-h and I divorced 13 years ago. As far as the bucket, it's been pretty steadily emptying over the past year or two. Or so I thought until this new element. That's what has me so disappointed
Work Wife
Theres a thing called "work wife", and thats what she sounds like. I would NOT be ok with a female in her 30's, single, sharing her meds with MY husband. Just NO. AND hes deflecting with "angry man" stance. To make you back off.
Your in that "cool girl" territory, like Amy from Gone Girl. 7 hours playing pool. Like my husband fishing with his dude friends.
There are many competent,
There are many competent, stable women at his work who are closer to his own age that would make a better "work wife", if he even had to have one. But he gravitates to Britney. 2 kids under 5, 2 baby daddies, and she's already back on the dating apps. 25 years younger than SO. That's who he has the most in common with.
I Had That Title Once
Work wife. What that entailed was keeping my boss' work load lighter, making sure he was taking he meds (diabetic) and when his sugar got low, I had a can of coke ready. Would TELL him to get to his office and drink the damn soda so he didn't die on me. His wife knew all this....we talked often...she even asked me to help her get him to quit smoking. That was the extent of my "work wife" duties. We NEVER did lunches, had drinks or inappropriate conversations and anything said between us was almost always shared/repeated at home to both of our spouses.
Brittani is NOT a work wife.
Yes but the maladjusted male
Will gravitate toward trainwrecks with a "rescuer/fixer" mentality.
ahem.... if you are so
ahem.... if you are so exhausted.. (why do you feel bad he is tired.. he is spending hours and hours at a pool hall/bar!). Clearly if he is not getting enough rest after working an EIGHT hour day (I commute 4 hours and work 10 hours.. poor baby).. then he spends more time malingering outside the house.
He is using drugs.. he may well slide over to using illegal drugs.
He doesn't need a prescription for amphetamines.. he needs counseling for his budding addiction. his work wife is not helping him.
I would be super tempted to get her number or address.. send her a letter informing her that her sharing of your husband and drugs with him.. will stop or you will be sure that not only their employer know.. but the police.
they are trauma bonding and have become way too close if they are getting "high" together.
If the drugs weren't
If the drugs weren't prescribed to him, he IS using illegal drugs.
That's true.. though I think
That's true.. though I think he is using legally now.. the line is definitely too blurred for this guy as to what is and isn't appropriate.. and someone who works where he works.. should know better.
Sharing prescription meds is
Sharing prescription meds is hardly the same as sharing advil with someone. One of the reasons ADHD meds can be so difficult to get is that doctors often suspect people of selling them to others. I know this, because my husband had to be drug tested (to be sure he was taking his meds) before the doctor's office would give him another prescription. For this reason alone, "Britney" seems to have questionable judgement...or questionable motives. ADHD meds are also in extremely short supply right now, so no doctor should be prescribing them to someone who is "tired".
Also, it would make me feel weird that the two of them were discussing their legal woes, simply because that's something you would ony seem to discuss with a good friend.
I think your concern about boundaries (or lack thereof) seems warranted.
This! DH is really well
This! DH is really well monitored in his ADD meds. He cannot renew a prescription early, period. If this chick is giving your DH drugs, I question if she's using them properly herself and who her supplier is.
Exactly!
Exactly!
And as someone who has ADD and takes Concerta, I can tell you it works differently in my brain than it does in a brain that doesn't have ADD or ADHD. When I take Concerta, it actually calms my brain. Before taking it, my mind would race and I'd stay up until 1 or 2am making lists trying to keep track of things I needed to do. The first week I started taking Concerta, I was ready to sleep by 10pm. My XH1 (husband at the time) said I was NEVER allowed to go off that medicine and I still take it 21 years later.
For a person without ADD or ADHD, it's like speed and will overstimulate their brains. It will also interfere with their ability to sleep.
It's bad bad news.
Doesn't your SO work in a
Doesn't your SO work in a pharmacy? Sounds like a super bad combo to be drug-seeking and around drugs.
But even taking that out of the equation, your SO has no incentive to behave differently, ever. You don't enforce boundaries with him. He pushes, you get mad, he backs off, you back off, and he inches further and further into areas you aren't comfortable. But, he doesn't ever seem to risk losing you - and maybe that's because he wouldn't be losing much.
I know that sounds bad, but hear me out. You two don't live together. You don't take care of his kids. You don't pay his bills. You essentially are there for "adult entertainment and companionship", which he has shown he is willing to spread out to other people. He means WAY more to you than you do to him. He knows how to compartmentalize your relationship in such a way that, if you were to leave, he would have back-ups for the things he'd lose (e.g. Brittany for sex, the doctor for feel-good drugs, the pool hall for adult conversation). You are a convenient package, but entirely replaceable to him. Heck, he thinks a heavily-medicated single mom with MULTIPLE baby daddies who shares her prescription controlled substances in the workplace is "work wife" and career suicide worthy. That shows zero care for you and your relationships.
100% agree.
100% agree.
I could be wrong but, OP is a level in the medical field where she can write prescriptions... I would be nervous this could come back to her somehow with SO taking meds not prescribed to him...
I would shut it down asap.
"Adult entertainment and
"Adult entertainment and companionship" is worth a lot to me. I don't need to be supported financially and I don't need anyone to take care of my kids. I hoped we were working toward marriage and moving forward. He says he wants to, also. It's true, i don't take care of his kids anymore. They are teens and don't need much, but i do feed them dinner. SS 19 lived with me for a time, but that is over. I guess we are all replaceable. And yeah, it's a pharmacy and it really is a bad combo. I just feel sad and disappointed. I don't think my license or job are at stake, since it wasn't me who gave or prescribed the meds, and i'm sure as hell not going to take them. Now that SO and Britney both have prescriptions, unless they do something besides all this, it would be really hard to prove she was supplying him.
"I don't need to be supported
"I don't need to be supported financially and I don't need anyone to take care of my kids."
to me that may be it. She plays the poor victim, she needs his advice, she needs his attention and he may be just caught up in feeling needed. you're a strong woman, he knows you are able. She feeds his need to feel like the big strong man who helps the damsel in distress. She feeds his ego.
Ah, lieutenant_dad,
Ah, lieutenant_dad,
It's wisdom like what you've written above that makes me so glad to have you posting again! ♥️
Didn’t anybody ever teach him
Didn’t anybody ever teach him you don’t sh@t where you eat? Just like you don’t have an affair with a co-worker because then you end up having to keep working with them once the affair ends. I work with all men and I am pretty close with a few of them, we text outside of work and share stories about our kids and spouses. My DH knows all of these guys and he is aware we text and is okay with it, because I am completely transparent about it and have never given him any reason to think there might be something else. I’ve heard the term work wife and work husband, but I would not consider any of these guys my work husband lol.
Those are a class 2 drug. If
Those are a class 2 drug. If he doesn't have the rx he doesn't need to be taking them. They are highly addictive. I would be livid over that fact alone.
Now you take in miss Brittany here and it's an "Oh hell no" situation.
I don't know what I would do in your shoes but there would be major action that had to taken on my DH's part in a situation like this.
My industry is kind of the opposite. We have 2 women in our company. Me and my receptionist. I would NEVER put myself in a position where one of my employees spouses would even think to question our professional relationship. I am called the work wife often- because I handle benefits and 401K, etc and they always come to me for help and questions but not for personal stuff! I feel more like a work mom than work wife! LOL
He didn't have the rx before
He didn't have the rx before but he went and got one, so unless i could prove Britney was giving them to him or that he was taking them before he got the script, there's nothing to be done as far as legality. He told me about it in person so there's no record.
To get the Rx my husband has
To get the Rx my husband has to be in counseling, with a psychotherapist who can prescribe the Rx. Did his doc just shrug and say ok? This really smells.
SO knows the doc. He went in
SO knows the doc. He went in and got the prescription after a 15 minute visit.
That's shady as hell.
That's shady as hell.
Wow!
Right?
How long have you two been
How long have you two been dating?
I have to say.. there are several red flags here.
1. works at a pharmacy.. and is seeking drugs (even if via a DR) it just feels like he is seeking them out.. not just for a medical issue.. but for other reasons. He works an 8 hour day.. during normal working hours in a job that is generally in climate controled space.. and is not overly physically demanding.. he may be on his feet.. but it's not like he is moving 75 pound boxes around. It's a very THIN excuse to be using a drug that is controlled.. for a reason. If he was not going out with the "boys" as much.. maybe he would be able to get to bed at a decent hour? hmmmm?
2. His "every body does it" excuse about advil equating to amphetamines? No.. sir.. you do not get to use that excuse.. working in a pharmacy.. you, of all people should know better.
3. He is choosing to spend 3-8 hours a day in a pool hall.. not with his children.. not with his girlfriend.. not sleeping (cause exhaustion). I understand he is dealing with stress from his court case.. but he is escaping everything.. including his relationship with you.
I honestly might consider whether I felt this relationship has run it's course.. whether there has been outright cheating or not.. he has shown incredibly poor decision making and moral compass. Honestly, I don't know if you think that is really what you want to eventually marry? He seems to possibly be headed towards drug problems.. prescribed or not..
I agree with all of the above
I agree with all of the above. I'm just sad and disappointed. We have been dating 5 years and are engaged, though i have held off on moving forward due to issues. I thought things were moving in the right direction. Two steps forward, 3 steps back. Boundaries with BM2 were a huge issue and that is under control since about 2 years ago. SS13's behavior has improved greatly. I really thought things were looking up. The pool hall issue has been nagging in the back of my mind, but i thought he would get tired of it and start spending more time at home. I thought it would be a passing obsession. He really just comes home to sleep and shower for the past 3-4 months or so. You were right about the "trauma bond." He does have a history of trauma as a child, and maybe he will always be drawn to unhealthy ways to fill that hole.
There are so many things
There are so many things wrong with this scenario, I don't even know where to start and if I could stop writing once I started.
You are so much more than this. Smarter, I know this for a fact. Keep rereading this thread. This is unnecessary drama, heart ache, and frankly waste of energy and headspace. You're life could be so much different if you kicked him to the curb. What's holding you back?
MMM..I'm jaded and at this point
I would say cut bait and move on. I can tell you my DH also likes to find the "hurt fawns" and it taken with them. **rolling my eyes*** they like the attention...and an independant women won't give that kind of "attention"...the oh...take care of me crap.
As I have learned...if you see smoke..there is a fire. My DH told me for years and years when I questioned him..Oh Halo, I'm not texting or talking to anyone..why would I do that and I don't have time." I saw smoke..I ignored it and it was a freaking forest fire.