I did a stupid thing…
My SS and his SO are having an engagement party in a couple of weeks. DH and I haven't attended any of his family functions over the past year. SS's SO called DH and asked if we were available on a particular date, without saying why. He said "yes" and now we have no good excuse to not go. And of course DH wants to go. It's his son. We already missed SS's housewarming gathering because we were conveniently out of town, and it was very painful for DH to see pictures all over fb of his disappointing family members gathered at SS's house and not him. SS is the only family member he currently has a relationship with. I want to support my DH and, to some extent my SS, but the idea of interacting with DH's family after being peacefully disconnected for 5 months causes over the top anxiety. DH suggested that we would have allies in his ex, her sister and her sister's boyfriend. The ex and I have always gotten along, and her sister has always been very welcoming and kind to me. The sister's boyfriend is someone my DH knew well in high school. So here's the stupid thing I did. I msg'd the sister and asked if she would mind speaking to me about the situation between DH/me and SD. I guess I wanted to be reassured that she would be someone I could count on to at least acknowledge me. A couple of hours later, I regretted it, and recalled the message, which as far as I could tell, she hadn't yet seen. Well, she did see it. And she went straight to the ex and SD and told them that I had reached out to her to talk about SD. (In retrospect, I can see how my msg could be taken that way, but I had no intention of gossiping about SD or even speaking about her at all). According to the ex, SD is "incensed", which ex described to DH as an overreaction on SD's part. After hearing that, I texted the ex and apologized for causing any upset and explained why I had been reaching out. She responded to me and said that she understood why the party would be causing me anxiety and then suggested that it would be "best for everyone" if DH attended the party without me. The sister then msg'd me and repeated the same message almost word for word. So, so much for allies in that corner. My DH is also anxious about the party and wants me to be there (partly because he doesn't want his family to think that they've successfully driven me away) but he also says he he'll understand if I don't go. When I texted SS's SO to tell her that me and my kids weren't attending, her reply was snotty and said that she had hoped everyone could get past the drama for SS's sake. I want to tell her that SS's mother and aunt told me I shouldn't go, but I think that will just cause more drama. And I'm sad. Really sad. SS's SO has been part of our family for almost 10 years and, although she hasn't stood up for me over the family drama, she also hasn't piled on. The list of people who think I'm an asshole just seems to keep growing. And it makes me question myself all over again. How do I stop caring what these people think? And how do I support my DH in his relationship with SS, when what I really want is for him to bow out of the party as well.
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This Is The Thing....
I said it on the other post and I'll say it here....as SMs, we have to stay out of the mess. That means trusting NO ONE on the other side. People turn on you in an instant in normal life and it's even worse in StepHell. Reaching out to the sister was a huge mistake. I can see why SO is upset...she's probably tired of the drama, too. (Let me add...I made my share of missteps in StepHell also; I've learned from the gents and ladies on this site).
You have two options: 1) Do not attend but support your DH going to his son's event. 2) Reach out to SO, tell her you want to get past it all also, will take the first step, and would like to change your answer to "yes, I'll attend" if she is okay with it.
From that party, you can plan your future attendance at events. If you choose not to attend, always make it "you are busy" rather than not going because of drama. And going forward, share your thoughts ONLY with your DH and your close friends. Keep the relatives and the other side out.
You're right CajunMom, it was
You're right CajunMom, it was a huge mistake. I've learned my lesson.
ETA: I don't think that SD is tired of the drama. I think she's invested in keeping it going.
ETA: I just reread and realized you said you understabd why SO was upset. I do and I don't. SS kumped on the family band wagon and has done and said some pretty hurtful things. I'm trying hard to reconcile things with him for DH's sake, but I'm not making his feelings my priority. I also think it was kind of crappy for SO to ask if we were free before telling us it was for a family gathering - we haven't attended family gatherings in almost a year and she and SS know that DH would have at least said we had to discuss it before answering, had he known upfront.
Reason
I felt, from your post, she wasn't part of the drama. You said she didn't support you but didn't join in. Sorry if I misunderstood. Step Hell is so darn confusing.
It certainly is, she hasn't
It certainly is, she hasn't jumped into the drama but she also stayed completely silent when SS berated me on a group text that she was part of and then again when he yelled at me one night.
Well, just because BM said
Well, just because BM said not to go...doesn't mean you have to not go. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't in that family. Do whatever you want and don't reach out to BM or her sister anymore. They sound like they are not your allies.
If you decide to stay home ,
If you decide to stay home , IMO, this would be the perfect opportunity for DH to explain WHY you aren't there and make it clear to everyone just who you are to him and how he won't tolerate the drama anymore from them. Yeah it's SS's party but it will be brought up and sounds like a party of vipers. Could he do that? Stand up to his family? Publicly announce his devotion to you and your Marriage? Isn't it hypocritical to celebrate a new forthcoming marriage yet mess with yours?? Wtf did DH do to deserve this treatment?
DH has publicly declared his
DH has publicly declared his support for me and no one in his family is speaking to him since he did. They're all pissed off that he's prioritized me over them and that he vocalized his disappointment with their treatment of me. This family sweeps everything under the rug. Family members are supposed to embrace the family narrative and the outlaws are expected to go along and feel honoured to be a part of their family. We'd seen this side of the family towards ex-inlaws and DH has (to his regret) even participated in it. But we never imagined that they'd do it to someone still technically in the family let alone an actual blood relative. It's been a bizarre experience.
WTF stop! You are literally
WTF stop! You are literally digging your own grave! Do not reach out to any of these ppl and especially not to talk about SD. Omg i feel so bad for you but they are going to rip you a new one!
Can you fake some illness and not attend the family event? Just let your husband go alone so.you can avoid the drama and problems
Your husband is delusional, ex and aunty will be on their daughter/niece side not on yours or her ex husband, get real
Quit while you are ahead and before they stomp on your dignity any further
I know you're right. The
I know you're right. The funny thing is that the ex has been the only person (other than my own family and friends) who has reached out to DH and myself and said that SD is wrong. But I forget how two-faced people can be. I have my own faults but I've never been able to pull off the two-faces thing so it always takes me surprise when other people do it. I won't be attending the event and I won't make an excuse. The family knows how I feel about all of them.
I think you are making the right decision.
I think you are making the righ decision. I see no need for you to put yourself through the hell that this event will be for you. No need to make any excuses - DH just needs to say, "she couldn't make it" - which is the truth. Hard lesson learned, moving forward just try and steer clear of the whole bunch.
Never doubt your gut feeling.
Never doubt your gut feeling. Also most men are delusional and have no idea how relationships work so your husband may very well believe his ex and sis would be on his side or understanding by mistaking polite fake concern with actual care and involvement lol
I agree with SS's SO.
Go, be radiant. Rock confidence, go for a spa day with a new hair style, hit your favorite boutique for a rockin hot appropriate ensemble, don't forget the hot shoes.
Do not let the BM, SIL, or anyone else take you out of your life and off of your DH's arm, and him at your side.
Radiate your happiness. Be the light. The one that sends all of the roaches scurrying for dark corners when it is thrown on in a roach infested dark room. When you beam your happy radiance and you and DH show your happiness together the roaches will scurry. Living your best life is the best revenge. Enjoy living that revenge.
STOP letting them dictate crap for anything. You do you, you and DH do your lives together, and run the roaches off with hte light of your best lives together. If one of them fails to scurry for their roach corner, get ready to enjoy the crunch when you step on them with the facts, confronting their toxic crap, and giving them no quarter.
SS will benefit seeing his father and his father's wife confidently present and engaged. Make it clear that BM, SD, and BM;s sister are shit.
Now for THE question. Why for FFS would you contact BM's sister for support, or for any reason? STOP THAT KIND OF CRAP and get out of your own damned way. Use SS's SO as an example of putting the toxic shit people in their place. They don't matter. Stop making them matter. You are empowering them. Pull your head out, grow a pair, and live your revenge by living your best life.
I totally agree about living
I totally agree about living my best life. And my best life is away from that party and away from that family, The reaching out to the sister was stupid and doing that kind of stupid thing is exactly why I need to stay away from these people. I knew I shouldnygo to the party the minute I heard about it. But DH wants to present a united front so I scrambled to try to find a way to make it work. I don't scramble. I'm typically a very strong and confident woman. I apologize for my mistakes, but when I feel I've done the right thing, I don't spend a lot of time worrying about what other people think. Until this crazy situation with DH's family and the threat it posed to my marriage. And the threat it posed to my kids, who would be devastated if we lost DH. I don't like who it's turned me into. So I'm not going to this event. Or any others. I donyneed any of these people in my life. The problem is, DH is still going. And I understand why. But I can't shake the feeling of it being a betrayal. There's only been one other time in the past year, where he's gone to a family event without me, and it was a funeral for a dear great uncle that couldn't be missed. I fully supported him in going, but when the day came, it felt terrible, I couldn't help thinking "I wonder if this is how sister wives feel when their husbands go off with their other wife". Does anyone else feel this way? And, if yes, does it get easier? Because I know DH can stay away from his family and events 90% of the time. But SS is going to have kids, and I can't keep DH away from events that involve his GKs. It wouldn't be fair to him or to GKs. How do I reconcile these feelings of wanting DH to have everything he needs but feeling betrayed when he does?
I let my DH deal with his
I let my DH deal with his family alone for a few years. I just got sick and tired of being the target. We were also separated for 18 months and that was one of my conditions: not dealing with his family. He didn't like it, but dealing with them alone and his family experiencing my strength changed things. The alone time gave DH and his parents time to discuss his marriage to BM and all the things she did to him. Long story short, I do participate now but on my terms and I do make DH deal with his parents and siblings. That's the way it should be. I won't deal with BIL, he's made public attacks of me and I just refuse to be near him. He is an unsafe person. They all know but in-laws are in their 80's now and getting frail. When they pass ,I doubt he will ever see BIL again.
I don't feel betrayed anymore. Why? Because I know DH has my back in protecting me from his family. They are his cross to bear , I have my own family issues. I would never knowingly put my spouse in the crosshairs of toxic people and he realized he shouldn't either and if that means I don't go at times, that's the way it has to be.
This has been my experience and I hope you can find something in it it to help you figure your situation out. You have to do what works for you with toxicity you have.
Betrayal is not always a one way street.
His going without you is no more a betrayal than is you not going with him.
IMHO, mates places are with each other.
I was with my DW for everything. Pick ups, drop offs, court, etc... The SpermClan knew that if they were being shitty with my DW or my son, that DW and I would fight them tooth and nail, that it was game on.
I made baring their asses my fondest hobby for 16+ years. DW and I just celebrated out 29th anniversary. Our son just turned 31yo. We are a family. DW and I are equity life partners. That is our collective hill to die on.
When we married we each became part of each others families. We balance 1:1 time with our respective family with couple time with each of our IL clans.
Try making being together your hill to die on and make rubbing the toothless faces of the toxic opposition in your situation in the stench of their idiocy the team effort for you and your DH. Together.
IMHO of course.
Take care of each other.
I hear what you're saying.
I hear what you're saying. And if it was a matter of fighting the family, side by side, I'd be in. But I'm not going to play nice with people who have been awful to me and my children. And if my family treated DH the way his family has treated me, I wouldn't play nice with them either.
My DH had to experience his
My DH had to experience his family without me and with his eyes open before he could untangle himself from the drama. I agree with Rags BUT your DH, like mine, was brought in a family of dysfunction and that's an added layer that needs to be overcome. He needs to do that on his own, but with support from you and your therapist. You need breathing room and don't by shy about making that happen by staying away from the vipers.
Far from playing nice, I would be all over them like stink on
the shit that they are.
You and DH together. Confront the crap in real time.
Take care of you and each other.
My advice would be to stop
My advice would be to stop inserting yourself into discussions. The message to the EX Sis was not necessary and you were going to be discussing SD.. maybe not "gossip".. but you would certainly be rehashing a bit of the estrangement issues. And.. while you may be congenial with the EX... never mistake that for ally or friendship.. it is a truce amongst combatants at best..lol... and her sister certainly would align with her sister.. and with her neice.. her DH following suit. There was no need to try to get her to somehow take sides (maybe not what you intended.. but that is how it comes across.. ).
Then doubling down by sending a message to the new SO? that was a message that your DH should have clearly delivered to his son.. you came off looking worse for the interraction.. again.. not your intent.. and you are trying to honor other's wishes.. but it does appear a snub.
sometimes a step p just needs to look smashing and keep their mouth shut.. lol. and leave these engagements with their spouse at the earliest possible polite moment..
Agreed. It would have been so
Agreed. It would have been so much easier if I hadn't formed relationships with all of them. For 10 years, we were a family, including SKids's SOs. I communicated with them all more than DH did. I'm trying to adjust to being in a much different role and clearly making some mistakes in the process. I worked so hard to establish relationships with the SKs for their benefit. They were already young adults when DH moved in with me and my kids. I was so conscious of them possibly feeling like their dad had a "new family" and did everything I could to alleviate that. And it seemed to work. We were happy. I guess I'm still grieving that. It's why I joined and started my blog. Partly to grieve and partly to share the experience for others. It's one thing when the family never successfully blends. When you think it has, and it falls apart, and the falling apart threatens your marriage... let's just say it's been a really difficult year.
That's actually not what I
That's actually not what I meant at all. I meant.. that once there WAS a conflict like you were experiencing.. you needed to back off involving others in things.. and let your DH step back up and take the lead on communication
I understand. I was just
I understand. I was just explaining why it's been so difficult for me to process the change and back off. It's taken awhile for my head to catch up with my heart.
Consider this a valuable
Consider this a valuable lesson learned. They are not your friends or allies. Regardless of how cordial your relationship with them, it can change in an instant - especially if anyone thinks you are behaving negatively towards their immediate family.
Two of my four skids have been estranged from BioHo (the BM) for over 2 years. While DH and I are ecstatic that 'Ho's toxicity is not currently affecting their lives, we know that could change. The Dark Force is strong in 'Ho and she is their mother, so reconciliation is always a possibility.
Go to the event. Wear an outfit that makes you feel good. Take time with your appearance. Walk in on your DH's arm. Glance at him lovingly. Smile like you have a secret. Treat everyone like a jerky coworker: be pleasant and polite, but do not discuss anything you wouldn't tell a stranger.
SS's SO shouldn't have
SS's SO shouldn't have gotten so snotty with you. An invitation isn't a summons. Does she really think everyone getting together would "put all the drama behind them"? Please. She wants everyone to sweep it under the rug. Reminds me of my in-laws. Did you make a mistake by reaching out? Yes, absolutely. But they are making a far bigger deal of it than what it is. If anything, these people have shown you who they are. Believe them.
I'd feel the same way about the husband going without you. Betrayed, but yet not wanting to keep him from family events. That's a tough one to navigate and there's no one right answer. It really depends on whether or not he'll always have your back.
Thank you. DH and I had
Thank you. DH and I had decided (with the help of our therapist) that we would both attend but that we would leave if people were shitty to me, and that he would tell SS that that was our plan. Our therapist agreed with me that SS can't expect there to be no drama and/or blame me for the drama. They're the ones who decided to throw this party in the midst of this mess. After the ex and her sister both told me that I shouldn't go, and SS's SO was snotty, DH didn't call any of them on it, so that made it clear that (1) people were going to be shitty to me at the party and (2) DH isn't going to be able to have my back when they do. Don't get me wrong, he's had my back just by cutting contact with his mom and aunts/uncles, and not going to events for a year, and I know it's been very hard for him. But to deal with a conflict in person witth his family will be beyond his ability.
I am thrilled that you chose to go together.
Apparently you also found a therapist that is effective in working with you.
That can be a rare thing. So many seem to lack professionism and an effective one is a rarety in the blended family world.
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pet spoiler said it well.
You made some mistakes. Dont beat yourself up about them. Moving forward you know who you can trust (yourself, DH, YOUR kids) and who you cannot (everyone else...)
Dont beat yourself up about things and dont apologise anymore. Let them do their swiffering and act accordingly "problems? what problems? Isnt the sky a lovely shade of blue today?"
Id go, because I know Id regret not showing them how little they matter to me in the big picture, but if you dont go, book a spa day or something with your friends or kids.
Keep blogging. I also find it helps to acknowledge the need to grieve a relationship that I thought I had (like with SDpowersulk CPS for example...)
Confident presence is part of living well.
Living well, is the best revenge.
IMHO.
I/we have found that being confidently present and armed with facts keeps the game players at bay. It took the beter part of 16 years for DW to finally directly call out the manipulators in my IL clan. It was a watershed moment. It led to a few years of nearly complete absence of the game players. Once it was all publically aired, the toxic elements no longer held power over everyone else. The first step at reengagement after DW called BIL1 and his DW on their crap was a couple of years later when they called for a family meeting. As the Sr. Outlaw to the IL clan, I facilitated the meeting, I set the rules, and I enforced the rules. I stipulated that the discussion could not be past based and had to focus on path forward for the family to gel again and everyone to interface respectfully. There was an attempt by BIL1's Bovine Bride to exclude BIL2's SO. Bovine Bride took exception to BIL2 and his SO not being married. I told her that it was everyone or no one and if anyone was leaving it would be the Bovine Bride and that as the primary source of the fractures in the family that it would be in her and BIL1's best interests to remain and engage because the family would gel with, or without them. A few more years of slowly increasing enagagment resulted in several years of positive family condition before FIL passed. DW, nor I, trust BIL1 or his Bovine Bride but there has been a number of years of far better behavior out of them once DW bared their asses and called them out.
There are a number of examples of STalkers who have moved past the pain of tolerating toxic, called the toxic out, and who are living well. Some left the situation entirely, others forged the situation into what they chose it to be rather than tolerating the toxic crap.
Keep up your commitment to living well CLove. It is transforming you, DH, and it is exacting appropriate revenge on the TT/FF/PSCPS harpyt triplets. 9mos and not only will you be that much farther down your living well path, they will no longer matter. No more reason for DH to take any calls at all from TT. He can forge the communication from FF/PSCPS as he mandates. It may not develop into the SDs being anything more than they are or anything more than TT is, but, it will be periphery to you and DH living your good live and exacting your revenge by living well.
Keep taking care of you.