New Baby on the way followed by guilt trips.
I've been married to DH for 2 years and together for 5. We're having our one and only child together because I never wanted more than 2 kids and SS now 7 has flipped a switch after finding out I am having a baby - so I'm getting my tubes tied after baby is born, the next day if all goes well. Our relationship and marriage have gone well and even my relationship with my SS... until now. I always had a feeling that SS was on eth spectrum or had ADHD... all be it, high functioning... doctors and teachers have agreed with me as well. I never pushed the issue though since both parents were in denial until recently and I've been trained to handle children with special needs as part of my job. So finally SS gets diagnosed with high functioning on eth spectrum and is now going to get help - thank god. Also, SS has always been a bit of a brat since he was an only child, he always thought of our house as a fun place even though we enforced rules, chores, and respect. But I could always handle it with DH having my back as a united front.
Well that all changed the minute we announced the baby. SS was excited for a short while to be a big brother... until he started seeing me decorate the nursery which I included him in to make him feel included and loved of course. I don't like to compare but compared to SS's room it's nothing, plus the attention and things he gets from my inlaws and his BM side is amazing! DH and I have spoken with him about how he is a part of this family and he won't be forgotten or left behind - he's in this with us. However, these things have not gotten through to him. His behavior has gotten worse, he throws violent tantrums over et tiniest things, he likes to hit my dogs, he likes to go into the nursery and break or steal random things (I put a camera in there), and he tells DH that he wants to be a baby again and says that he should break up with me and get back with BM, oh ya I should stay around to clean up after them since I keep the house cleaner than his BM's house (to be fair she has 3 teen skids of her own), oh ya he pees and shits his pants now (after he's been out of pull-ups for 2 years) because that's what babies do.
I thought with DH's track record he would set things straight after we had talked about this and I set my boundaries and expectations. SS has not shortage of attention, love, and boundaries. But now DH thinks I hate SS and feels guilty about getting a divorce that caused SS to have issues and that he wished he fought for full custody. BS. It's been 6 years, he let BM take him because of her huge support network, and SS is regressing and manipulating both parents (don't even get me started with BM) according to my therapist... Now I dread SS coming over and I'm 7mo pregnant and most of eth time too exhausted to deal with his behavior which DH has bent over out of guilt.
I couldn't even have a baby shower be about my baby because his entire family just kept talking about how everyone should help SS even more and that maybe I should have waited to have a baby. My guests even started to feel uncomfortable. It's like all these people turned on me the second that pregnancy test showed positive. I swear I feel like I've lost my sense of reality with this group of people.
I started going to appointments alone because every time DH comes he gets depressed. I don't talk about our baby anymore because then he just starts talking about SS's issues which I've heard him out multiple times and told him that we need to be united again and to game plan with his EX about eth help SS is going to receive. He doesn't listen to me anymore since this started happening and apparently I'm not supportive enough. Honestly, why can't we just have some happy moments about OUR BABY on the way? It's like I've been hoodwinked and am sitting on that couch in the opening of the twilight zone. I feel the worst for my baby on eth way, luckily I've started building a small support system but I still worry (my circle is small and spread out and my foster parents passed years ago).
I honestly thought I had gotten lucky with DH and SS, even the BM used to stay out of our business unless SS was involved. I was WRONG. I miss how reasonably content we all used to be. After reading so many experiences on here I'm afraid for eth future. I feel like a horrible person most days for wanting to have a happy relaxing time during eth last parts of my pregnancy. DH guilt trips me about SS every time I have a moment about our baby or am crafting something for the nursery. Sure I could divorce, but I still love him, plus it will take me a while to get back on my feet.
I just needed to vent. The only peace of mind I have is that I can leave the house with my dogs and have put a lock on eth nursery.
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Skid and new baby drama
ugh....
Congratulations. Some parents
Congratulations. Some parents on here have shared their experiences dealing with having their own child with their partner while also having steps. I hope everything works out for you but from what I read a lot of these parents are differentiating between their first families and their second. They also have a desire to overcompensate for the first children and show them how they matter the most. Idk much about the journey itself but I am sure there are many posters who can provide coping mechanisms to deal with the adversities that come with having a partner who is focused on his first family/children more than what he currently has at home. A lot of them also think that they should spend more energy and be more coddling to the first family because they arent as lucky as the second family to have their dad around more....
It sucks but I am sure you will settle and find your new normal with your baby
Aw, Sweetie!
Aw, Sweetie!
How awful, that your first pregnancy, a time that should be full of joy and excitement, has developed into a traumatic mess. In fact, I was recently investigating the dramatic increase in autistic children (my beloved nephew has Asperger’s) and was surprised to read that a stressful pregnancy is now considered to be a contributing factor to the births of children on the spectrum.
I’m truly angry for you and the fact that your husband and his relations have ignored your needs and robbed you of the happy anticipation that you ought to be experiencing. What a selfish, inconsiderate bunch! Your husband, in particular, should be protecting and supporting you during this time.
Despite his Asperger’s, my nephew has never been a brat as my sister would not tolerate the type of behaviour that your husband is permitting from his son. You’ve stated that you still love your partner but I can guarantee that the resentment building in your heart will soon change those warm feelings. In fact, bitterness has already crept into your relationship with your spoiled stepson and will continue to build unless steps are taken to improve your domestic situation.
In my opinion, the best remedy for your predicament is to immediately arrange marital counseling. It appears that you and your husband are communicating poorly and with prenatal hormones raging, these conflicts are taking a huge toll on you.
How awful, that you are made to feel guilty for expecting the bare minimum of ‘our new baby’ interaction with your child’s father! An uninvolved third party would be a huge help in opening your husband’s eyes to both his lack of regard for you and his parental failure in refusing to discipline his manipulative, out of control youngster.
And worst of all; hitting your dogs!? Oh, no, no, no, NO! That outrage I would never tolerate. Autistic or not, your stepson knows, damned well, that cruelty to animals is WRONG! I’m afraid that if the little brat abused a dog of mine, he’d be sitting on a hemorrhoid cushion!
Lots off virtual ((((HUGS))) are heading your way, Hon, and I sincerely hope that things improve. Welcome to the site; we’re all here for you. ♥️
It sounds like SS needs some therapy to help him deal with
It sounds like SS needs some therapy to help him deal with his emotions.
You need to protect your dogs. If you can't, you need to rehome them. If he hits a dog and it bites him it will cause you all sorts of problems and the dog may pay the ultimate price.
i agree to all of this. I'm
i agree to all of this. I'm so sorry that his son is not accepting this change well.. but he sounds like he needs more help than you and your DH are able to provide in adjusting.. Clearly his actions are troubling and dangerous and NEED to be under control. I wonder if the EX has anything to do with the ramping up.. what BS she may be feeding him?
Hey, notsurehowtodeal, wise
Hey, notsurehowtodeal, wise of you to mention the 'ultimate price' that a stressed-out dog will suffer when he finally bites his abuser! This is particularly relevant in OP's situation since the stepson's relatives appear unwilling to address the boy's awful behaviours, even going so far as to criticize OP’s decision to have her own child!
We're not alone in our attitude towards those who harm animals; like you and me, many members of the site are ardent pet lovers who would never tolerate what this stepmother is encountering.
So, CRose, have you been able to film any incidents wherein your stepson is mistreating your dogs? If not, you may wish to place your cameras in the vicinity where they usually interact. Surely, if your husband views his son in the act of animal abuse, he will put a stop to it. The last thing you want, in your present state of mind, is the need to rehome your pets!
Drag your DuH to counselling
Drag your DuH to counselling ASAP... like yesterday.
Your DH may be feeling a lot
Your DH may be feeling a lot of guilt for having "another family". It might help to remind him that even if SS was both of yours, he would likely be reacting to the idea of a new baby in the mix. It's very natural for older siblings to have anxiety about new babies and what that means for them. SS does need extra attention and validation of his feelings, from both of you, but paired with clear boundaries regarding acceptable ways to express his emotions. I agree that a good marriage counsellor can help you both navigate the situation.
Edited because I forgot to add: I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish you could just enjoy your final months of pregnancy, nesting and daydreaming about your sweet baby on the way.
"DH and I have spoken with
"DH and I have spoken with him about how he is a part of this family and he won't be forgotten or left behind - he's in this with us. However, these things have not gotten through to him."
I disagree. These things have gotten through to him but he has subconsciously cherry-picked what he heard and what he heard was the part about being forgotten or left behind. The power of suggestion is a formidable thing and sometimes you may mean well but your intentions not interpreted as you meant them. This child has the idea in his head that he might not be as important as the new baby and he's scared and jealous.
Thank you
Thank you for the comments everyone. It's been a busy almost 2 weeks. I had actually already set up a visit with a marriage counselor which went pretty well, DH has started accepting that he can start another family and set SS straight. None the less we have more appointments set up as I need to see more action than just a start. Of course after I wrote my post, I left for a few days with my dogs to a friends house. Apparently DH got a reality check that I've got the balls to leave (hence my pervious divorce comment)and now SS is not coming over until he gets therapy and consequences and has improved for a very long time. So DH will be visiting him outside our home for the foreseeable future. Also BM had the same thing happen to her dogs and she came to see the light so she's on board. We're not on perfect terms but she does love her dogs too. Plus her husband has put his foot down as well.
My MIL was on my side at the baby shower I forgot to mention and I've cut off contact with the negative shower attendants and will not be inviting them to future events. So my baby will have a supportive grama in his life. I hate to say this but I'm relieved that I don't have to rehome my dogs and SS is not coming back for the forseeable fiture because DH also had it sink in that "if it's animals now, what if it's the baby next".
As for the cherry picking comment, I agree, I was just trying to be nice. SS has been given extra care with actions as well as words from both of us and now he's in the process of getting the help we aren't qualified to give him - AWAY from our home.
I've put in some actions though, got cameras for inside and outside the home (we needed them anyway). I've made preparations so for myself, baby, and dogs if my boundaries are broken again. The small community I've built has been so much stronger than I thought. I'm actually able to start enjoy my pregnancy knowing my home isn't going to be invaded by SS with issues and a back up plan. At least one thing good came out of my past trauma, how to prepare for rough times. I've had enough and even though I love my husband, my baby comes first and the safety of my poor animals. Not everything is always going to be perfect but something snapped on me over the past 2 weeks.
Im praying that these actions I'm seeing continue with DH, but I'm prepared if not. Thanks everyone I felt heard and supported.