My step kid is a nightmare
When we a my SO got together 2 1/2 years ago, I truly tried so hard to be nice to his child. But after time, he's started to be more disrespectful with no consequences. I have 2 sons of my own and they have grown to have a connection with my SO like a father. They call him dad by choice because their dad isn't around and from the start my SS has had an issue with it, clearly. We've have to explain to him multiple times that my SO has taken responsibility of my children, and that he is okay with them calling him dad. But my SS constantly wants to say "MY dad" to my kids, he is 7 so he knows what he's doing. And it truly pisses me off. He's manipulative, he lies constantly. If he gets caught red handed in a lie he will start crying and continue to lie to make sure he gets his way so people feel sorry for him. He only comes to our house to play video games because his mom doesn't allow him to play them at her house. So from the time he's here until the time he leaves, he's on the video game. He calls my SO and the only thing he talks about is the video game (Fortnite specifically). All 3 boys share a room when he comes over and he disrupts my children's sleep schedules, and cries that he wants to sleep with his dad. And at first my SO was on my side about how the child needs to sleep in his own bed at 7, he has 2 other children in there with him. Now that me and SO have been having disagreements he lets the child sleep in the living room with him on the couch. When my children go to bed SS gets to stay up until midnight watching TV. we used to have rules but since we have been disagreeing all the rules have went out the door. The SS is always doing things to be disrespectful and I'm so tired of it. I'm to the point where idk if it's worth being with my SO over anymore. If he's not going to at least try to make his child listen to the house rules, and bare minimum respect me... how can I feel loved by this man?
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RUN
he is not willing to be a united team with you and he is actively allowing his child to run rampant.
It doesnt seem like you have much to work with here and YOUR children are your #1 priority.
The sad part is your children have bonded.
YES
RUN
Your life will continue to be filled with BS because your DH is in Disneyland mode with the manipulative SS.
Think about it. Your DH chooses to sleep on a couch, A COUCH, with SS instead of enforcing rules and sleeping in bed with his wife.
This dynamic has so many levels of ensuring that SS grows up to be a manipulative prick. Its not SS fault, this is on DH.
Run like the wind hun.
I don't think any 7 year old
I don't think any 7 year old (8 in dec) should be sleeping with their parents to begin with. If there's no other choice, I could understand. But when the children have their own beds.. why? Makes zero sense to me. I'm starting to not understand why we even have a bed here for the kid if he isn't going to ever use it. It's just for looks as it is right now. Our bedroom is literally right across the hall from the children and especially when my children are in the same room there shouldn't be an issue of being scared. I even have a nightlight in there for them so it's not dark either. I'm just really starting to believe the child is getting jealous of not only me but my children as well and is starting to put a wedge between me and SO and unfortunately it's working. I'm not just going to sit back and let a child be disrespectful to me without voicing my concerns and when all my SO sees it as is an attack, I don't know if our relationship will be able to survive. I've always been told by my parents and grandparents that you always put your spouse first, even above your kids so long as you always make sure your kids are straight. But I truly believe he doesn't put me first above all anymore, and maybe it's some kind of guilt where he sees that his relationship with his son isn't outstanding. ss chooses his mother over my SO and I think he try's to suck up to the child to maybe get him to "love" him more. But I've tried telling him every kid has a favorite parent, and that's just not something you can change. If he likes his mom more, letting him do what he wants here with no consequences isn't going to change that a bit. I've literally heard it come straight from SO mouth that "if video games is what makes him come here then I'm okay with that just so he will want to come over" and it honestly makes me so sad for him. No child should make their parent feel like they don't matter unless they're getting something from them.
Live apart and date. A
Live apart and date. A little one on one time with his brat might enlighten him.
I honestly don't think SO
I honestly don't think SO will see the damage that's being done until the SS is older. It's his only bio kid so I feel like one child isn't hard to deal with, and the kid seems like an angel when he gets his way. I feel like SO thinks I'm the problem because I voice how I feel about the situation. He doesn't wanna hear it. It's easier for him to just let the kid do what he wants.
Run, I wish I had
It is unlikely to get better. Dads tend toward guilt and it makes them vulnerable to manipulation by skids and bms.
You really have to ask
You really have to ask yourself if this is the example you want for your kids.
Right now I honestly think
Right now I honestly think with the way things are going and the direction they are heading, I would leave if I could. Renting here is like unicorns and the prices aren't acceptable for a 1 income household. My 2 sons will be starting visitations on the weekends with their Bio dad soon, and honestly I feel like it's going to help a lot not having all 3 kids here at once. He can have rules for his and I will have rules for mine. Not saying it will fix the relationship because there is obviously a bigger problem here when the SO can't take my feelings into consideration about anything. But for now, all I am worried about is my children not having to live with watching him do them differently than his son. What the future holds, only time will tell. The right decision will be made when the time comes.
You do have a SO problem.. he
You do have a SO problem.. he is not parenting his son. A son who is. 7.. which is VERY young.. VERY immature.. and your issues with him seem to be fairly normal for a kid in his position..
You have to admit that for a very young child.. it might be very normal to be jealous of the kids who get to have your dad "full time".. while you only visit occasionally. So, he uses "my dad".. as a way of showing that posessiveness.
Kids will also cry to get out of trouble.. again.. normal and can become a habit if they figure out it works. And getting in trouble doesn't mean you have to yell at a kid.. or be belittling.. or show anger.. it can be calm explaination of what went wrong.. and what they need to do next time.. and how to fix it.. if he fears an outsized reaction.. lying to avoid it would be pretty reasonable response.
And.. you have to also take into account with 3 kids in the house.. parents will get it wrong sometimes.. kids are great at framing each other.. lol. (my brother and I were masters).
I don't have a huge issue with your DH allowing him to sleep on the couch if it truly disrupts your kids sleep.. and vice versa.. BUT.. that TV would be OFF at bedtime.. that's it. A 7 yo has no business setting their own bedtime.. and being overly tired makes for a poorly behaved child.
You do need to try to help your SO understand that kids with boundaries are happier.. more successful kids.. approach it as you want the best for his son..
For Example.
Honey, I know we let SS sleep in the living room because it makes it easier on all the kids to sleep.. but when SS can't make himself turn off the TV at a regular hour.. he ends up overtired the next day.. and it makes him feel out of sorts.. hard to get along with and it's just setting him up for failure. We need to have a firm rule about no electronics after 9pm.. that is way late enough for a 7 yo!.
All that is good, but the
All that is good, but the husband is on the couch WITH him! It does sound like 3 kids in one room is too much, and if SS comes every other weekend it might not be too disturbing to have him on the couch. Alone. But also, if the kid sleeps till the afternoon and/or DH doesn't put away his couch-bedding and other things during the day, that would be disruptive to the household since then nobody else can use the living room while SS is there. These things can be done in a way that is livable to all, if all adults involved are being reasonable. But are they? ETA also, is there even a schedule? OP says SS "just comes over to play video games." If there is no CO or visitation schedule, that's a problem and they can't plan for his visits.
I missed the "with him".
I missed the "with him".
Dad needs to transition the kid to sleeping in his room.. it WILL get easier if he insists on the boundary.. 7 is old enough to be able to do that.
and if the kid is allowed to sleep in the LR.. yes.. all is cleaned up and put away before household breakfast time.. like 7 or 8.. (whatever is typical.)
Another thing that might be
Another thing that might be going on - as a parent, it's hard when you see and spend more time with someone else's kid(s) than your own. It doesn't say what the custody schedule is like. If the DH is with OP's kids (his stepkids) full-time but only sees his kid every other weekend, i can see how he (the dad) might start to feel like his kid is being pushed out or being marginalized. There has to be a way to balance making up for that with still being a good parent (having standards of living and behavior in the home.)
I understand where you are
I understand where you are coming from completely. But I feel as if making it unfair to my children to make his child happy is so immature. I would never let my children do things in front of or around the SS if he wasn't allowed to do them as well. That's why I know I'm not just jealous, or being an aHOLE about the child. I'm just hurt that he is starting to come in between my relationship. I can't speak of any issues with SS or I become the bad guy. My kids don't get away with bloody murder and all I ask is the same be with him. If my kids lie, they get in trouble. If my kids are mean, they get in trouble. My kids being disrespectful? In trouble. Whether it be grounding from things, sitting in the corner.. I try my best to give them consequences for their actions. It's hard to parent my old children when they think it's unfair they get in trouble for things but the SS never gets in trouble at all. Just because you only get your child on the weekend doesn't mean the parenting goes out the door. I feel like my SO will regret not putting his foot down in years to come and the SS will end up being a way bigger problem.
SS literally calls when he's ready to come over. He will stay for a couple of days (around 3 or 4) until he gets tired of playing the game and then he's ready to go back home. And I know 100% it's the game now because he decided last week he was ready to go home one day UNTIL his dad let him download a new game. We had to go to the same town as SS mom that day so he was going home, and threw a fit because he "changed his mind about going home"
the only reason the SS has became a problem to my children's schedule is because he's started sleeping on the couch until noon... my children have to wait around until they are ready to get up and start their day. SO says it's due to the child not having a bedtime and stuff at his moms but I've tried to say that this isn't his moms house and we shouldn't be accommodating to a bad schedule for the child.the child isn't being punished by having an adequate bedtime and getting up at a decent time. I think honestly letting kids stay up all night and sleep all day is ridiculous and is the reason kids miss school a lot. Lazy parents.
Oh, i'm not saying you are
Oh, i'm not saying you are wrong. There are MANY problems here. SS decides when he comes and how long he stays?! Oh Hell No. Takes up the living room till noon? Nope. I was trying to suggest that SS have a regular custody schedule and your husband spends more time with him. Definitely not suggesting not having behavior standards.
Yes I definitely feel as
Yes I definitely feel as though the child has too much power in our household. I feel as if SO walks on egg shells with the child, because the child will get mad and say hurtful things like "I don't like it here I'm never coming over again" when he gets his feelings hurt at all by getting in trouble. I'm sure as a parent it hurts to hear that. I thank God neither of mine have ever said that me. But I also wouldn't deal with it either. It's obvious when a child knows what they can say to hurt you or to get their way, and you make it known it bothers you.. they will use it against you. And when SS acts like that, bio mom would enforce that if he doesn't want to come around he doesn't have to. Which is why I've said time and time again there needs to be a custody/visitation agreement. No child at 7 should be deciding if and when they want to go to a parents house, and neither should the parent they live with. Just because a child gets their feelings hurt because they were told to follow the rules, shouldn't mean they get to decide what they get to do. He has it very easy here and the rules we've had aren't hard to follow.
If it tells you anything about how much power the child has.. he lives with his mom at her dads home. Last thanksgiving he dropped a plate of deviled eggs at their dinner because he wouldn't put a toy down like he was asked and tried to carry both. Grandpa got upset and scolded the child, child got upset and said he didn't want to live there anymore.. what do you know, he's moving in with us. Then he got mad at my SO a few months later for getting on to him about some things he shouldn't have been doing, SS told bio mom he wanted to move again. She got him one weekend and wouldn't let him come back until she got his schooling transferred. He literally does what he wants, when he wants. And they just let him do it. I've never seen a child at that age move so much just because he didn't like something that happened and hurt his feelings.
With no legal custody
With no legal custody schedule, your DH is screwed. Seriously, no custody schedule on paper at all? What about child support? Little Cartman shouldn't get to call the shots. It's not good for him and it's very very not good for you. I would make that a deal-breaker. If your husband isn't cowering in fear that SS or BM is going to stop visitation, he may get a chance to actually be a parent.
When you sleep on the couch
When you sleep on the couch in the room others utilize during the day, you get woken up by others activities. The room does not get avoided by everyone else. If you want to sleep late go into a bedroom.
I'd be vacuuming in there.
It's seriously getting to the
It's seriously getting to the point where SO will stay up late screaming at video games and say it's because my kids won't respect him sleeping on the couch lol
idk who this dude is but he's changed a lot since we first got together. Makes me sick. He's been very disrespectful here lately, and idk if I even want to make it work anymore.
Consequences of Breaking Up
Those are usually the consequences of breaking up. If people want their kids to have both parents all the time, they have to carefully choose partners and both be willing to make it work. Children are more likely to live with the mother, so it's usually an inevitable situation. Especially because most mothers want custody, and some depend upon the financial support for more than just the kids' care.
This is what Disney Dadddddy do.
Put the child befor the SO. Instead of haveing adult time with you in the bed room. He stays with his kid. This is only going to worst as time goes on. SS will be controlling your home, he already is. Tell SO to take his DS and move out. It's your home and you make the rules.
When we first got together,
When we first got together, we lived in a place that I was renting. But his dad had a property that came open and we decided to move here where it's in the country. The kids love it here, but it became a huge problem renting from his family member. Even if my SO was in the wrong, his father would put me and my kids out without a thought.
Start looking for other housing
Bide your time, keep the peace, and start looking for your own place. Focus your energy on you and your kids. Try to see how the kids feel about moving to gauge how they'll take it.
LOL @ this title though.....
LOL @ this title though.....
Typical step-kids are nightmares
Sounds like your husband was on board with blending but, since your stepson is having a problem with it, your husband is folding like a cheap accordian. Continue to talk with husband and make sure you're both on the same page or able to compromise.
If things work out maybe consider a bigger home/expanding current home. 3 kids in one room is A LOT especially if theyre introverted or going through puberty.
My 2 sons visitations with
My 2 sons visitations with their dad will be starting soon to be every weekend so here soon, my kids won't even be around SS. So I see the rules getting to be completely extinct after my children aren't here when he is anymore. But it will be a lot less responsibility on my end because if his child is just here he can do the work like feeding him and everything. I do too much for that child as it is to be treated the way I am. I can't get even the bare minimum of a "thank you" for doing anything for him. I feel as if my SO has gotten lazy and just depends on me to do everything for SS since I'm already doing for my children, but in my eyes it should be at the very least SO taking responsibility for the children sometimes. I'm a glass that's almost empty trying to fill everyone else's cups.
Welcome to Step talk.
Welcome to Step talk.
I totally agree with what Harry wrote above.
I think you are trying to connect two unrelated things.
Enforcement of household rules, and feeling loved. I do not see the connection.
When my DW and I would disagree on parenting and kid discipline, I gave her the message that if she did not like how I did it, then she could step up and get it done before I had to, or she could have my back until we could discuss it off line. I made sure discipline and parenting happened. How, was up to DW.
I would give DH that message. Let him know that the household standards for kid behavior and kid performance, will be enforced whether he likes it or not, so rather than him ignoring those standards he had better enforce them or neither he nor his spawn will like it when you make damned sure the standards are enforced.
Separate the emotion from the kid behavior. Or it will be next to impossible ro manage the situation. Communicate the requirements to your DH and hold him accountable for enforcing those requirements. Remind him that as your DH his place in in your marital bed, not on the sofa with his needy manipulative coddled failed family spawn.
IMHO.
two things.
two things.
1. his son has too much power in your home.
2. where do you really see this situation in 5 years? be honest w/ yourself.
Happier, I hope. Now is that
Happier, I hope. Now is that with my SO? I couldn't tell you. I just hope when the time comes, I'm ready to see that for what it really is. I love my SO. But I'm a firm believer in if you don't put your spouse first, everything will crumble underneath. If he can't put me and my concerns ahead of trying to spoil his son into liking him more, then idk what else I can do. I shouldn't have to beg for the bare minimum. I'm just in a bind because to me, the situation sucks & I feel disrespected. But to him, he's just trying to have a relationship with his son. And maybe he truly does feel like if he says or does the wrong thing his son will shut him out due to him not having any rules or regulations at his mothers. It's honestly one of the toughest situations I've ever gone through because this is the first person I have been with that has a child of their own. Being a step parent is so hard.
UPDATE
I left. I lost a lot due to having to leave, but I gained a lot too. I'm so much more hopeful throughout my days and as much as it hurt me to leave.. it was only getting worse. Never better. It got to the point where I was feeling uncomfortable in my own house. I chose me and my babies. And it was the best decision.