Suddenly excluded from special events

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I will start with my history, to provide a better understanding of my whole situation. My parents were divorced when I was 3, immediately afterwards I got a stepfather; when I was 9, I got my first stepmother & in my 30’s I got my second stepmother. My parents remained friends until my father passed, and got along amazing at all family gatherings together. My parents didn’t see a stepparent as stealing the bio-parent, but as another person to love me. I love my stepfather and stepmother very much.

My son’s father deserted me, when he found out I was pregnant and didn’t even start contacting until my son was 13. To this day, interactions are rare. When I got married, the first time, I became a stepmother to 3 teenage boys who hated women with a passion; their mother abused them and their 1st stepmother made their father abuse them. It took some time to prove to those boys that I could be trusted, and they finally came around. None-the-less, our marriage dissolved to issues not including kids.

Currently, I am married to a man with 4 children; when we first started living together they were between 3 to 9 years old, my son was 13. During the first year those kids enjoyed spending time with me and my son, we had a great relationship. Suddenly, his kids wanted nothing to do with me, and started disrespecting me. The bond between us and with my son ended.

We are now 13 years together, we have had some bumps along the way with parenting. When I used to tell his kids no, he would give in and override me, or when they did something wrong and I asked them to clean it up, he would clean it for them then take them out for a treat. Finally, I said that I was going to back down from my role and he could parent his kids without me. Eventually he asked me to help him again, and I obliged and we were on the same page.

Fast forward to present day, I am no longer invited to graduations etc., when I have gone to them all in the past. His children will not accept anything from me, I can offer them a ride to work or a friend’s and they always decline, stating they will ride their bike’s to their mothers and she can drive them. I invite them to still come over, when their Dad is working out of town but they refuse. Don’t get me wrong when I talk to them, they acknowledge, and are not rude to me, just one word answers and quickly leave. I do everything I can to help them or make them happy but they continually shut me out, and it gets worse as the years go on. I have even had talks with them, stating that I do not want to replace their mother, I just want to be an extra person to love them. I am afraid that I won’t be invited to his oldest daughters wedding in three months!

My husband pays thousands of dollars for child support, which is supposed to include all their necessities. We send them home with food, buy all clothing, school supplies; you name it, we buy it. So what the child support pays for I am not sure, because bio-mom even makes them get a job to earn money for a bus pass to go to school!

What makes it even worse, is that my son and his fiancé rent the apartment in our basement, and my husband is always complaining about how lazy he is, or something he does wrong. My son states that he wants to spend alone time with my husband to bond, my husband says yes but never follows through. Don’t get me wrong, my son is not perfect by any means; however, he helps with anything as soon as you ask for it. Not to mention his kids are not better. My husband acts like his kids are perfect, and mine has so many faults.

I love and treat his children as if they were my own, often giving them more leniency than my own. I find myself depressed over the situation often wanting to just leave the house to get away, as I don’t have a place to seclude myself. I love my husband to death, and know that I will never find another that will treat me as good as he does. I don’t want the marriage to end, but find myself thinking about it often. I have spoken to him about it, he makes it clear that he is sorry and has no intentions to hurt me, but it unintentionally continues. It’s like he is clueless, and doesn’t understand how I can be hurt over such little things. He says that he has spoken to his kids in the past, and they claim they don’t like me sometimes; however, they will not say what they don’t like, so I can’t change anything. I was cruel to my husband last night, stating I hope he doesn’t get invited to my sons wedding, just so he knows how much it hurts; he didn’t react at all. My husbands claim is, “you know my kids are quiet and don’t like to discuss anything.” Only one of the four likes me and it is the one that has lived with us full time, the other three are part-time at bio-mom’s.

We are not a family by any means, we are a couple with our own individual child(ren). It has been over 13 years, I have been as kind and generous as I know how, and still nothing has changed. I have attempted to just stop stepparenting and I can handle that most of the time; but it hurts deep when he says negative things about my son, and his kids are the same, if not worse. I have given it time and have tried every approach I can think of, we are not newlyweds; what now?

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May I add that my son is the only one who buys my husband birthday and father's day gifts; his own children do not even acklowledge the special Dad days.

Don't get me wrong, my son

Don't get me wrong, my son has been no angel at all. During his young teen years, he became addicted to crystal meth. I gave him the ultimatum of either going to rehab or leaving; he stated he didn't have a problem, so he moved in with my Dad, who was an active addict. I year later, my son asked to come home and he went to withdrawal management. He was clean for a few years then relapsed, so packed his bag, told me he loved me and left again. He finally got clean with no relapses since. Afew years later him and his fiance moved into our basement apartment. 2 years later, my Dad died of an overdose and a few months after that my brother went into a 4 month coma from a relapse. We are all very close now and everyone is strictly clean.

But realistically, I did what I had to do to make everything work for all involved. A little tough love for everyone, without enabling anyone.

We have also taken BM's

We have also taken BM's boyfriends kids on outting with us. Not to mention financially supporting BM's boyfriend and his kids.

I'm sorry you have put so

I'm sorry you have put so much of yourself into kids that are not open to it. I think a lot of the groundwork was likely laid between his EX's attitude towards you.. and your DH undercutting you as a HOH when they were younger. They don't need or want you to "love" them.. I think they want you to "leave them alone".. which at their ages now.. isn't totally unusual for kids to pull away.. even from their bio parents a bit.

You had a preconcieved notion from your own experiences.. and the positive attitudes of your bio parents.. and step parents that it would be happy blending.. no resentment of new partners... and support by bio parents of step parent's with the skids.

Your husband's attitude towards your son may be a bit of projecting his stress over the general situation.. his kids have likely been clearly told.. you are NOT their mother.. and that they don't have to listen to you.. shoot..their own dad drummed the 2nd part in by saving his kids every time you tried to insist on some rule/chore etc..

At this point.. I think you need to disengage.. from the notion that these are kids for you to "love and cherish as your own".. they are kids who live in your house part time.. they are your husband's kids.. your responsibility is at this point.. to hopefullly stop them from getting killed.. but they have even stated they don't want your help...rides..etc (bio mom may give them crap when you drop off).. so enjoy the lack of obligation and responsiblity.

Your son may also need to adjust his expectations.. if, after 13 years, they haven't bonded? I would just say that actions speak louder than words.. your son needs to work towards being a happy, responsible..and productive member of society..he needs to pay his own way.. and just be a pleasant person to be around.. whether your DH will warm up or not.. giving your DH "nothing to complain about" is about the best he may hope for.

Your SD's wedding.. I hope she invites you if you are in a civil/cordial relationship.. I guess it depends on many factors..what kind of wedding it is.. and as long as your expectations aren't to be akin to "2nd mother of the bride".. and go as your DH's spouse.. not her "mother".. it may go as smoothly as can be expected.. I would not get involved in any of the planning or work really.. let her and her mom and dad steer that boat.

I know it hurts.

Do you think you can just step back and detach from the situation? Support and accept your husband's relationship with his adult kids and when he does things with them, you find things to fill your time that give you joy? Sometimes disengaging from the relationship really helps bring you peace. At then end of the day we are hard wired to love our kids, that isn't going to change for your husband anymore than it would be for you to distance yourself from your son. However, at this point if they don't want a relationship with you- that's their loss! You can just be "Dad's wife" and that is 100% ok!

When they come for visits, I

When they come for visits, I have been leaving town, sometimes for up to a week straight. When I am here they just entirely seclude themselves in their room and only come out to eat or if husband askes them to do something. I have been disengaging from outtings with them for years now, unless husbands friends expect me to be there.

What makes it 10x worse, is that husband repeatedly complains about my son.

That jumped out at me in your

That jumped out at me in your original post. Frankly, your son pays rent and is therefore a tenant. Would your DH whine as much if you let the apartment to a complete stranger? He needs to mind his own business and stop any intrusion on your son's life.

I'm assuming that your son is paying the going rate for the appartment.

My son and his fiance pay for

My son and his fiance pay for all the increases in costs, our agreement was much lower than going rate at the time but they were struggling when my son started his electrical apprentice. We have never actually rented the 2 bedroom apartment to strangers before, just those in need of it at the time.

To top it all off, my son was worried about my depression; he insisted that I don't act rashly and leave, and he will talk to husband and SK to see if he can figure out what the problem is. I told him it was not his business to work out, and he should not worry. My son insists I stay a bit longer and try harder; why should he care if my husband doesn't talk nicely about him or follow through with bonding?

I still see somehow you see

I still see somehow you see the connection with your DH complaining about your son and them not "bonding" as being related.. HOnestly.. your son is an adult now.. they had 13 years to "bond".. they have the relationship they have. Your son may have caused problems in the past that your DH isn't able to get past. He may feel he is still not really stepping up the way he should be if he is just paying for some "difference" in costs.. vs paying some semblance of a real rent. He is a tenant.. who has another tenant with him.. having a tenant.. him being around all the time is something your DH has to "deal with" on a daily/frequent basis and there could be some opportunity cost to not renting it at market rate.. because you haven't in the past.. doesn't mean that you might not want to in the future.

So.. you have two adults renting the apt. they should be paying more than some nominal "cost" they should be paying a reasonable rent.. and if they don't like that? they should probably go find another place to live. again.. it's not just your son.. he has his GF/Fiancee with him too. Maybe your DH sees him spending money on things and he resents he is getting a 'free" ride at your place? Maybe he is jealous his own kids don't have that help?

As for leaving when his kids come? I wouldn't be doing that... maybe some.. but not every time. It's your house.. and you certainly be less "around" when they visit...but your DH should not expect you to go.. and his kids shouldn't expect it either.

Your son shouldn't try to "fix" things.. though he could apologize for past poor behavior towards your DH.. but you have to let go of the idea that it will be like your experience growing up with your own stepparents.

I guess I left out that, my

I guess I left out that, my adult SS lives in our other apartment, and not required to pay any rent. My son and his fiance pay a certain percentage of their income, as their jobs change the rent changes. They cover expenses and then some. I know I sound like I am defending my son, this is not my intention. Ideally, I would like everyone to be treated fairly.

I agree with you fully about my son attempting to fix things; he shouldn't be doing that, and I made it clear to him not to get involved. I just don't even understand why he would want to.

I leave town too when skids

I leave town too (once or twice a month) when skids touchdown.

Might cost me more money but at least the peace and freedom (even if temporary) is priceless!!!

Your thoughts are great, and

Your thoughts are great, and much appreciated. When it comes to special events, I do not expect to be acknowledged as anyone other than a guest, nor do I want to be involved in planning. His kids pulled away from me just after the first year of us living together, ages ranged from 3 to 10, and it has been more and more over the next 12 years.

I have made efforts to disengage, but it becomes difficult, as I have been driving 2 hours to stay with my family every time they are here; I have no family in this region.

I find myself most at peace with my son or alone. I think about leaving often; however, don't merit it a good reason just because of the kids.

Invited or not... go on your DH's arm.

Be radiant. Buy a killer dress, shoes, get a full spa treatment/make over and edgy hair style. If you know what brands the SD's and BM like, get something that they will know instantly what it is , could never afford, and ROCK IT!!!

Beam your happiness. Whisper private edgy topics into your DH's ear througout the event and use the nights in a nice resort near the venue for some hotel therapy.

Do not be separated from your DH during the event, and have some scripted snappy one liners ready to adapt if anyone makes the mistake of being anything but pleasant with you.

"Well, bless your sweet little heart." is a classic that Southern women can play extreemly cuttingly.

Make the one liners include some refernce to toxic Skid and BM behaviors.

"Why would you try to ruin this event by plying your usual historic toxic mean behaviors? Grow up already."

An invitation to a parent is an invitation to that parent's partner.

Your presence will not ruin the event. THe toxic bullshit character flaws of those trying to hurt your mate and you is what ruins these events. If those plying the toxic bullshit perpetrate the toxic behaviors during the event.

Have fun. Tear up the dance floor, hit the open bar....and blow their doors off by living well at the event. After all, living yoru best life is also the best revenge.

Enjoy living your revenge. Living your best life rubs their noses in the stench of their character void life decisions. That is on them, not you.

Edit: And..... STOP throwing your resources down the craper supporting or helping BM and her BF. You, your DH, , your own son and even the SKids (if they earn it with proper behaviors and effort) would be better served with those resources than wasting them on BM and her BF of the moment.

IMHO of course.

Oh you better believe I have

Oh you better believe I have already done that, excluding the one liners. When I come for the ride to pu/do SK, BM won't even look out the curtain; BUT when husband goes alone, she comes outside and tears a strip off him, almost every time over something stupid or nothing at all. BM won't even come to our house anymore. All the hell she put me through, breaking into my house and stealing things. When she threatened to call police on me, I provided her legal documentation and dared he to call. She called CAS/FACS on us in beginning, but I have clearance to foster paernt from the past, so that didn't work. She finally realized she can't win with me BUT her kids seem to.

However, in the past, I have been invited, or shall I say permitted to special events. This is the first I have been excluded and am sure I won't be invited to wedding.

I don't undertand why BM would ever come to your house.....

or why you would let he? EVER!

Not one person from the SpermClan has ever been anywhere near my/our home. I have been in SpermGrandHag's home a few times over the years when we have picked up SS after visitation. For some reason his crap was never ready, we did not tolerate any of his personal items being "left" in SpermLand. Over they years there was history of his nice quality clothing not making it home with him. Then showing up in SperlClan pics being worn by the three younger Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas. SS would come home in cheezy flea market clothes while his nice stuff for some reason wouldn't.

It took escalating embarrassment and zero tolerance confrontation for SpermGrandHag to end that crap. Though the Spermidiot would take SS's clothes when SS was nearing the end of the CO'd CS schedule as he approached 18yo. One interesting event was when SS saw pics of the Spermidiot in a shirt that disappeared during oen of the later SpermLand visitations. SS nearly lost his mind and did bring the shirt home after the next visitation. The Spermidiot played the "my CS paid for that shirt". Nope, you could not afford that shirt you POS!!!!!!

So, when we were in SpermLand when a visitation ended he had every stitch of his belongings before we left the pickup.

For some reason, even after screaming at my DW, being the bitch from hell, etc... SpermGrandHag would invite us in during Skid pick ups.

They would have waited on the curb off of our property if they had ever made any effort to pick SS up.

Sorry for triggering on this topic. These types of people just disgust me.

Take care of you and protect your family from the shallow and polluted end of your SKids' gene pool.

Please do not be sorry.

I totally understand that frustration, we have had the same issues in the past. Now they have a set of clothing here, and go back to their BM in the same clothes they came in.

Actually BM would break into our house when we were both at work, and nobody was home. I caught here once, and we had it out right on the street.

We have tried a communication book and text only for unexpected changes in schedule or emergencies. That didn't work either, as she would still come out and yell at DH during pick ups.

H3ll the list goes on with her; but that is a whole other topic.

I think I would have had the police frog march her hand cuffed

idiot ass off property and pressed charges.

Whether your SO wanted you to or not.

Skids could benefit from seeing a toxic parent hauled off in handcuffs then being given the facts regarding that toxic parent. A lesson in accountablility and a seasoning in the facts gives the kid/victims of a shit parent an increased ability to recognize the toxicity of the shit parent and to build the ability to protect themselves from that parent. While growing up ultimately as an adult. Shit parents do not stop being toxic just because the kid becomes an adult.

We landed on introducing SS-30 to the facts in an age appropriate manner when the SPermClan would pull their manipulative lying crap with him. He would come home from SpermCan visitation upset because an number of lies and examples of manipulative crap.

"(SpermGrandHag) says that they cannot buy my (half sis, half bro1 and half bro2) nice clothes like I have, or enough food, because mom makes them send her money." - So, we had the first review of the CO in detail including a demonstration of how much $133/mo is compared to what it cost us to feed the family. A pile of 133 skittles does not look like much when next to a pile of 800 skittles that represented out monthy grocery and eating out costs.

We fairly regularly reviewed the CO, added reviews of the supplemental county rules for visitation, and reviews of the state regulations, call logs, answering maching tapes, and court recordings as SS grew up. We reviewed these things in an age appropriate manner to counter their crap. Eventually he would do his own research in our Custody/Visitation/Support filing cabinet drawers after returning from a SpermClan visitation where something the SpermClan said did not pass the smell test. Rather than being subject to their lies, he started calling them on the lies in real time. SpermGrandHag hated that and would call my DW ranting and asking why we had shared the CO, etc.. with SS.

The answer was swift and direct. "Because you lie to him. Now he knows the facts and the truth. Never forget that the next time you try to lie to him."

SS has had to put them in their place a number of times in his teens and far less frequently as an adult. Even they were able to learn that their crap would not be tolerated. Even by SS.

SD asked her BM to have her

SD asked her BM to have her nails done for her 16th birthday; BM so toxic that she had her own nails done and told SD that she couldn't afford to buy her anything for her 16th birthday! We offered to get her nails done, but SD refused stating, "Mom said she would do it." Her birthday was in January and still hasn't received a gift, and somehow I am the bad person.

SKids are aware, and have seen CO, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. I am still seen as the toxic one and BM the angel. It is like I have hit a brick wall with trying. However, I do regret not having her arrested way back when.

Aware is different than being constantly reminded of the CO, etc

as it all correlates to toxic side of a gene pool behaviors.

When SS would come home with visitation baggage, he got the facts, the CO review, etc... Whatever was applicable to the lies, manipulations and PASing that he was subjected to in SpermLand.

We made sure to not let their crap stand and made sure that SS knew that they were liars, etc....

Eventually, he started doing his own research on their lies when he returned home from SpermLand. He learned how to protect himself from their crap. The truth, facts, and related documentation has allowed SS-30 to protect himself from their crap as he lives his adult life. They have tried to guilt him into "repaying" them for the CS they paid, etc... Nope. He keeps them in their place and does not tolerate their crap.

I think what you’ll often find is when your spouse or

Partner's previous children from a prior marriage are useless and lack basic life skills etc and not that pleasant to be around, they will try to trashtalk or find fault in your kids.

from what you explained, your own son isn't freeloading but renting the basement below, if you need help with anything you can ask him and he will help. What are your skids doing beyond that? They aren't even doing what your own son is doing.

their biomum made them get jobs but they aren't self sufficient and independent. Your son is renting your baeement and contributing to your household.

i haven't seen my sd's or had any contact since 5.5 yrs ago. They live rent free in hubbys other home and still get cs (the youngest via her mum as per court order who then sends some to eldest sd) and eldest sd gets a monthly allowance since she is caring for her younger sister. They chose to break off contact with their dad over 5.5 yrs and even now barely any contact.

my husband a few yrs back told the eldest that he just couldn't understand her disrespect towards me because i have never made hubby pick them over me. I have always encouraged he have a relationship with them but yet she guilted him for marrying and having kids with me. Apparently he wasn't allowed to find happiness and move on with his life 5.5 yrs after divorce yet biomum could remarry days after divorce was finalised.

my husband told eldest sd by her own words biomum abandoned her and her sister and biomum herself is useless, lacks any basic life skills beyond finding gullible men to marry and milk them of their money. Yet here my husband is married to me and i can do all kinds of things, i don't lack those basic life skills and if hubby were no longer here, they have no one to guide them through life and thats their loss because if hubby would die tomorrow, i'm moving on with my life and our 2 kids together.

sd's decided to stay alienated from us.

My SKids get paid by DH for

My SKids get paid by DH for doing regular chores around the house; my son never got paid for chores when he lived with us, they were expected, as he was part of a team. BM should never make them get jobs to pay for simple things like a bus pass for school, that should come out of child support, instead of her drinking it away or paying for her dogs to go to shelter when kids are away. Her 2 dogs get premium food and we have to send kids home with food! When I was a single mother I never got a penny in child support, and my DS got the best of everything. If my DH didn't pay thousands a month in CS she wouldn't even have a roof over her head.

BM has had multiple BF's move in, to which my DH supported as well, yet he is not permitted to have a partner. I encourage him to have the best relationship with all his kids; when he approached his kids as to why they didn't like me only 23 year old SD said I called her fat and told her she looked ugly in her outfit 10 years ago. DH knew I would never say that, nor would I ever to anyone; the other 2 had nothing to say, no reason. However, BM had plently to say about why she hated me. DH also said if I wasn't invited to SD wedding that he wouldn't be going either.

I told DH over the weekend that I am at my last straw, and would be temporarily leaving when they came for a visit. Making it clear that this wouldn't be forever, but would like to get past this or permanently move out. I do not deserve to be treated this way, nor disrespected to the point that they can't even give reasons as to why they don't like me and give me a chance. DH fully understood, and made it clear that he would bend over backwards to try to make it work out, one way or another. I don't know if this is right or wrong but I can't take it anymore and don't know what to do.

I think what you’ll often find is when your spouse or

Partner's previous children from a prior marriage are useless and lack basic life skills etc and not that pleasant to be around, they will try to trashtalk or find fault in your kids.

their biomum made them get jobs but they aren't self sufficient and independent. Your son is renting your baeement and contributing to your household.

sd's decided to stay alienated from us.

You and your DH are good people.

Like your DH indicates is the case for you, we never prevented SS from seeing his SpermClan. Even to the point that when it had been a year+ since they had taken a visitation supposedly because they could not afford their half of visitation airfare, we would pay their half so SS did not have to wait any longer to see that half of his blended family.

We did that 3 times in the 16+ years of the CO.

Even now I encourage him to reach out to them though he would prefer not to.

I get his reticence in maitaining contact with people he has no respect for and who to this day will attempt to manipulate him. But, I also do not want him to have regrets later.

His mom does not want him hurt again and would prefer that he keep them in his past rather than have him risk them doing their usual toxic crap.

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Suddenly excluded from special events