Advice wanted
Hello,
It would be helpful to gain some advice on how to best support my husband while I am disengaged from his two children 14yo and 11yo. If you read my previous blog you'll see all the deets. Sometimes I fear that I'm pushing my husband away when he shares with me- by expressing what I would do if they were my kids and I was in his situation- and I also realize that my emotions are..... difficult for him when I'm upset he says I'm mad "at him". And when I'm devastated by a situation between the Skids and their BM he feels guilty and avoids me (I do ask questions like "why would she do that?" Or "what are you going to do about that?"). I think I'm just making it worse because it's everything I could have predicted would happen since he didn't set clear and healthy boundaries in the beginning. Now I realize that he's just learning healthy boundaries and what HIS values are after the toxic ex. I hate that he avoids me because a big part of his life includes his kids and their BM. I've never expected him to withhold that part of his life from me nor over share.
I'm hoping we can rekindle and I can find a new way to support him because my old ways aren't supportive. I can see how it's difficult for him to remain vulnerable and also I know I'm entitled to my feelings. What's the healthy middle? How do I maintain stability for my husband who has a narcissistic ex wife and two manipulative mini wives and maintain my values and dignity!?
It feels like what I'm asking is still unclear but I believe a seasoned person with similar experience would get it.
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Comments
It is hard to be supportive
It is hard to be supportive while you are disengaged because that is the whole point of being disengaged, is to remove yourself from that situation and let your DH figure it out since it is his mess.
I would offer him support by letting him vent, but not offering any input. Offer him resources for individual counseling if you think he needs it or discuss it to see if he would be open to it due to the trauma he has faced from BM and skids. You can buy him books on toxic co-parenting and healthy boundaries if he is into that type of self-improvement. He may be feeling lost on how to keep everyone happy and may just need a life raft, but at the same time, it is his situation to navigate.
Think it’s time for outside help
You one must see someone. To make sure you are seeing thing right. You may not be able to do anything. DH may not be ready for a new adult relationship. He the one with kids, he the one who want a relationship with you. He the one who must work on making this relationship work.
He must be under the impression, like this is the move of his life. And cut, remove ex. Add you. Movie continues. There a lot of people on this board. Get the same thing expecting Happy Family. Expecting new SO to love and do for the kids like bio parents should do, or want to do.
You have to figure out if he actually wants an relationship with you, or just a "MOTHER" for him and his kids . At this point he's doing a relationship with you, not putting you first, not working on your life. You didn't have kids with him. Your life,,relationships is different. Your life doesn't revolve around his kids. He has to make time to do adult things with you. With out the kids.
He had adult alone time with the ex before the kids. You deserve the same. Adult no kids time together. Weekends away adults only. Vacation alone. Week cruise, week camping. Doesn't matter as long it's with out kids
As you mentioned before, if
As you mentioned before, if you split you will have to allow the 6 year old to see his father without you. He obviously doesn't consider his kids a danger. I finally gave mine an ultimatum when his daughter was 16. Our lives were just an unending stream of fighting and arguing. I hated coming home. That is no way to make your bio children live. How much damage has the bullied kid already endured. Nothing anyone has done seems to make it stop. At the very least you should let him go live with his dad. Why does he have to be treated like this just because you want to be with this man. He is your responsibility, not your skids.
Sometimes removing yourself /
Sometimes removing yourself / being away from the source of chaos is all you can do. You can't change those people, you can't argue with crazy, you can't stress yourself out over unstable maladjusted people.
If you can't spend time with him (minus his horribly behaved kids) then pack your kids up and take your own trips without the drama.
Otherwise you may need to face the writing on the wall and proceed in a way that is beneficial to YOU (and your kids) bc best believe these bio parents and Disneyland dads with no boundaries are operating from their own self centered mindset and to hell with the new spouse/partner.
I don't think it's
I don't think it's necessarily about splitting or staying together--
It sounds like he's a baby deer learning to walk when it comes to adulting. You're not just falling in line, which is what he was trained to do with BM. You're modeling a new way to be- but ultimately he has to figure it out for himself. Those growing pains can be tough. I'd say if he's struggling that's progress. He has to go through this to see the err in his ways in order to change. The problem is not your reaction to the problem-- the problem is the problem. "IDK what to tell you" or "what would you like me to do to help you?" (Keeping in mind just because he wants you to do something doesn't mean you need to do it. Just ask him plainly what he wants from you to see if it's something you're willing to do or- see if he's delusional).
My DH's request of me with SS15 was to just ignore his behaviors (that's what he does). I do because I'm disengaged- I wish he didn't because he's the only one who can actually parent SS15 out of his bad habits.
Thank you. This was a very
Thank you. This was a very thoughtful and understanding response. You're 100% on the nose. A lot of times he doesn't know what he needs or wants and I sometimes don't either. Just asking is probably the best answer. He has a hard time with emotions. When I'm trying to point out that my 11yo doesn't feel safe with how his 11yo is acting, my husband isn't dismissive, he just says I need to be more objective, he's maybe overly objective to the point that the offending child is off the hook. It's like, what's the point of telling my husband about the issue. The issues are so small but happening so often and for so long I do consider it bullying, he sees it as sibling squabbles. I guess the part where he doesn't validate our feelings is what causes the feeling of bullying/gaslighting/abuse.
And just because he wants me to do something doesn't mean I'm capable. I want to disengage fully and am still in positions where I'm parenting because he's not around when something happens, so my response to situations with the Skids is typically bitter (it's the fact that I know I'm going to be up against the wall with the situation) I'm letting him figure out his path. For a long time I tried to help too much, I came off as controlling. Ultimately this is his relationship with his kids, I'll continue holding my boundaries for me and my kids, he can reap what he sows. Thank you for your advice, it'll be good practice for me as a human.
I get it. I was (am) in the
I get it. I was (am) in the same position. I tried to help DH and was shut down hard (because admitting there is a problem reflects poorly on DH). After years and years of spinning my wheels I just stopped. I stopped giving SS rides. Stopped giving DH advice. Stopped everything. I was met with so much resistance that any mention of SS15 caused an argument. I disengaged fully (SS and I quite literally don't speak) and it's been wonderful.
However (and this is a big however) I also have DD3 and DS 6 months. DH is wanting to do more things as a "family" to be more integrated with SS15 and DD3. I flat out told him I wasn't comfortable with it. He was upset (see my pervious post). Per someone's recommendation on this site I stated that until he can more proactively address the issues that I have with SS15 This is key-- DH doesn't see any issues with SS15 (which is a lie- I know he has a problem with his behavior) and therefore chooses to ignore poor behavior rather than address it. I see the issues as issues (again, my response to the problem isn't the problem- the PROBLEM is the problem) and until DH address these problems, then I don't want her around him.
15 is still an odd
15 is still an odd developmental age for kids. If you feel worried I always say trust your instincts. What's the BM like?
TIme for some basic training for DH on the difference between
anger and disappointment.
Tell him that when you express frustration you are not angry, you are dissappointed in how the situation was handled. Or more directly, how he failed to handle it. A supposed adult should know the basics of language enough to understand angver Vs disappointiment, and should be held accountable for knowing.
I balk at the concept of a grown assed man "just learning healthy boundaries". THis is not rocket science. Adults do not have the excuse of not understanding boundaries. That is a kid excuse. IMHO.
IMHO you are not the one who needs to change your ways. He does. He needs to reposes his testicles from the purses of the XW and the mini-wife Harpy twins and man up. Being present at all in this nightmare former family failure twilight zone is being supportive. Your expecations should not be compromised IMHO.
Stay our course and do not tolerate any of them, including DH, being a detriment to your life and happiness. He is your DH. HE has to man up and deliver on that commitment. YOU and your marriage are his only top priority. Not his X, and not his toxic failed family spawn. YOU. PERIOD. DOT!
The harpy mini-wife twins are A top adult responsibiliy as long as they are minors. The are less significant as a responsibility than your shared young child. Harp 14 and Harpy 11 have had their turn at 6 and cannot and should not be allowed to detract from your own child being 6. The Skids should get their visitation time with daddy. The rest of his time is yours and your 6yos. Even when they are visiting, they have to integrate into their father's life and family and ... he has to continue to deliver as your DH and your own child's father.
They are not ever the priority. His X... does not matter at all. You need to write this message on a 2x4 and keep it pounded into his skull (figuratively of course) while you verify he still has his balls in hand and they have not returned to the control of his X and the Harpy twins.
smh
Your DH has a duty and responsibility to be an actual man, husband, and father to you and the young child you share. Keeping him LASER focused on that and holding him firmly accountable to deliver instead of sniffing after his X and their toxic spawn is fully justifiable for you to do.
IMHO of course.