Just need a little guidance
Trying to figure out where to begin this. My step son biological mom pretty much gave him up when he was about 13. She has other children, none of them are with her. I feel like she wanted to focus on her new boyfriend. 3 years have gone by and I can count on one hand how many times he's seen her, or even spoke to her. Now, there's absolutely nothing wrong with her. She just lives life like she has no responsibilities. My husband and I do have children together. What I do for mine, he expects the same. I love the kid. I really do, but the love I have for my own children isn't the same and he doesn't understand that. He expects me to be his mom because his biological mom has checked out. I disagree, and it's really not that simple. I make sure his homework is done, projects, fed, clothed, listen to his rambling about girls, school. We go out shopping together sometimes. I just feel that he's missing his mom and those are shoes I don't or want to replace. Sometimes I think about calling her and giving her a piece of my mind, because I know my husband won't do it. But it drives me crazy that he expects so much support from me vs the woman who gave him life. Can I add that my husband is not his biological father. My ss doesn't know, not even sure his mom knows. The older he gets I'm sure he has an idea. Something else we disagree on because I feel he should know and he thinks he should want.
I don't know, just needed to vent to a free judgment space.
Bless you
You are a kind person and your SS is so lucky to have such an insightful, caring person in his life. So, he is 16 now? How is he doing in school? Does he have friends?
Life has dealt him a tough hand. From what you're saying, he doesn't sound like a behavior problem. Don't feel guilty that you don't feel the same for him as your bio kids, it's just nature.
Feel free to vent here, that's what it's for.
Thank you very much. It's a
Thank you very much. It's a struggle. Didn't add that part because I was in a rush to type all of that. He's rude. Can be disrespectful. When asked to do something and he doesn't move. I just tell my husband. He looks at me like, why won't you tell him... He blames everything on "he misses his mom" but I think it's BS. Even told a few of his teachers that. See, I'm not easy to manipulate and my ss knows that. So he plays the victim very well with DH. DH is also quick to say "he doesn't know he's being disrespectful" like seriously? And I agree with you. Life has felt him a though one. This is why we try to do everything right by him. I think he needs counseling. He's very anxious. Doesn't like when you stare into his eyes. It's like we have to keep building him up because she always let's him down through a text. Never call. Never visit. Nothing but a text and she'll respond 4 days later.
Yes to therapy
I agree with you about him needing therapy. Your husband could use some guidance, too.
We had a similar situation but not as drastic as yours. BM let the 3 skids go, one at a time, and all ended up living here, long story. I think they all felt some abandonment. I didn't know the whole story til later but OSS pined to go with her and bf to the lake they visited every weekend but it never happened. SD moved back with her several times but was ultimately booted out when BM married and her bf didn't want SD. YSS asked to live with her and her husband several years later and she turned him down.
Like you, my DH tried to compensate by being too lenient. I guess that's the classic Disney Dad stance.
It sounds like you have a
It sounds like you have a realistic view of the situation. If you are kind to him and do the things for him that you already do, that's all your husband should expect (more really). It sucks that neither of SS's bio parents seem to be worth a damn (both BM and whoever the real bio dad is).
I agree with counseling and your husband should hold him more accountable for his behavior. His making excuses instead of insisting SS behave is probably harming your relationship with SS, too. On the one hand DH wants you to treat SS like your own, but on the other hand DH uses the BM situation as an excuse to allow SS to misbehave, undermining your parenting.
Also, BM, unless her rights have been terminated, could waltz back into SS's life any time she wants, which would be devastating if you felt and acted like he was your own. That's what happened to me. SO's oldest son and I were very close, then the court ordered "reunification therapy" when SO wanted to stop paying CS on a kid who hadn't stayed with his BM in years, in order for BM to be able to keep her money. SS and BM have somewhat "reunified", leaving me feeling sort of out in the cold. SS is still very polite and well-behaved, but it stung a little. Protect yourself.
What is the child support
What is the child support situation? If BM is not paying any you guys should file. It's shocking how fast it will make parents re-appear in their children's lives once they have to have that paycheck cut reminder that they actually have kids.
At 16 there are going to be disrespectful outburst from time to time, even with your own bios one day. They are teens and can't always contain it. Not saying they shouldn't be immediately corrected and depending on the level punished but it happens. "Check your tone!" comes out of my mouth a lot with a 15, 17 and 23 yrs old (special needs) at home.
I can understand not having that bond with him- you aren't his mom and knowing that your DH isn't even really his bio dad must lead to some resentment. I also agree that he needs to be told the truth. For medical reasons he has the right to find out his family history and look for them. DNA sites are doing wonders with connecting people. Now, when to tell him is up to your DH of course, but as an adult he should know. I say that coming from a family with so much adoption that your head would explode trying to do a "real" family tree.
It's shocking how fast it
It's shocking how fast it will make parents re-appear in their children's lives once they have to have that paycheck cut reminder that they actually have kids.
If this ain't the white hot truth!!! I support you keeping your distance. I wish I had advice about how to make DH get closer to the kid he took to raise but I'm in the same boat: the least easy to manipulate between the three adults in SS life. My DH can somehow see when SS pulls that victim/baby me crap with BM but can't recognize it when it's applied to him due to me being the hardass.
Oh and while your SS should be in therapy, be on your toes about kid counselors who are also easily manipulated by the kid.
Nothing wrong with her?
Now, there's absolutely nothing wrong with her. She just lives life like she has no responsibilities
There is everything wrong with her. She is a waste of skin POS. What is worst is that she chooses to be.
That everyone else in the mix lets her get away with it, is just as bad IMHO. I would be branding her with the POS BM label constantly and making sure she had to live with that scarlet letter every day for the rest of her POS life. Her kids need to know, the community needs to know, the courts need to know, etc....
As for SS, he is a teen, he is manipulative, and he is playing you and everyone else. Set and enforce the standards of behavior and standards of performance all kids in your home will adhere to, in an age appropriate manner, and apply increasing misery inducing consequences with SS-13 deviates from those standards. His choice to deviate, he chooses to life the misery inducing consequences. Your job at that point is to induce that misery and keep escalating it until he pulls his head out of his ass and behaves.
That his BM is a POS, is no excuse for him choosing to be one. Keep that message front and center with your DH and SS.
Take care of you and your own young ones.
Teens all suck
But there needs to be repercussions. Guilty daddee is not doing his "adopted" child any favors letting him get away with being a lazy jerk.
This kid needs parenting BADLY. And you are not wanting to step into those shoes. And are being guilted into it. None of that is the right thing and its up to your partner to either back you up 100% or step up to the parenting plate 100%.
These things generally dont get better on their own. Dont let anyone guilt you about who love and how you love.
Hes not your bio and you cannot love him in the same way you would love your bio. Your love for SS isnt inferior its different. Your TREATMENT is the same and thats what really matters.
Time for therapy for kid, and heart to heart talks with partner. Repeating might be necessary.
Maybe unpopular opinion but
Maybe unpopular opinion but when I'm losing it with my SD, sometimes I do a thought experiment where I think about if I was dead, how would I want a stand-in Mom to handle my own kids.
Having a dead Mom is sad, but having a living garbage can Mom would be terrible. Sounds like you can tell when he needs a Mom in his life and when he needs a talking to, there's an important distinction. If he's a teenage boy, needing a Mom just means needing someone to periodically look him in the eyes and ask if he is ok. Your husband can't be a Mom but he can do the talking to part which you shouldn't have to get involved with.
Therapy can be great but its not an instant fix. Shifting perspective to get through the horrible moments might be a way to handle things until therapy can do something for your husband and son.
I guess just to add to this,
I guess just to add to this, it sounds like you are already doing this (and then some) but if it's becoming intolerable, stop doing the painful stuff and just do the "hey, I'm looking you in the eyes as your daily reminder an adult mother figure knows you exist" part as a penance to some alternate universe where your own kids need someone like that in their life.
Or I'm batsh!t crazy. Send help. Lol.
I completely agree. Though
I completely agree. Though having a mother of quality in your life and getting a firm talking to are not mutually exclusive. In fact, with a quality mom, they are one and the same .... as needed.
More to say my SP Family
Just have to say I appreciate ALL of your comments. I have been fighting this internally for years. I feel when I bring up SS to DH, he gets offended. Most of the times he has my back, but I genuinely feel it's because I pretty much do a lot for SS and if it wasn't for me then a lot of sh** wouldn't happen. I don't know, I get frustrated because this woman gets to live her life doing whatever while I have to raise her child and I feel unappreciated. I got a thank you text from BM mom once. But after she snapped at me because I called her needing his breathing medicine meds, she stated "we don't know how to take care of him" and his BM and her know him best. I almost wanted to say "f**k you come get him then!" I'm torn a lot because he sees the relationship I have with my other children and I can sense the jealousy of the relationship.
Oh there is no child support. She provides nothing. The anger I feel growing inside, and I don't think it's normal. The whole ordeal pisses me off. Everyone expects so much out of me, but the expectations of her are so little. It's to the point where people assume I'm his BM. That doesn't bother me, but I think it bothers him. I don't want to be his mom. I want to call BM or BM mom because the help would be great as far as picking him up for a few days. Buying clothes, shoes, hell giving money for food. Anything. DH won't part his lips to say anything which I think is BS. I've always felt he let's BM get away with everything. He thinks it's better to say less to keep the peace but I feel the complete opposite. Because apparently being quiet is doing nothing but hurting SS.
Another fear of mine is when he finds out the truth of not being DH bio-son, he's going to hate all of us. Not trust anyone. Honestly, I don't feel any guilt about it. I told DH him waiting this long will do more harm than good. I think the BM knows the truth, and she knew what kind of man DH is. I knew from the beginning she was lying because the conceived date didn't add up. I pretty much told her that. So when SS was born she told DH if he took a DNA test he'd never see SS again. RED FLAG right? So he took one anyway, and chose to raise SS as his own.
Start making it abundantly
Start making it abundantly clear, to everyone, how big of a POS BM is. Regularly.
Lather.... rinse... repeat.
Facts are neither good nor bad. They are merely facts. Make sure the facts are regularly reviewed with DH and his failed family spawn to highlight reality and to make it clear that you are not the POS that BM is.
Enjoy.
*diablo*
Why no child support?
Why no child support?
Beats me
To be honest, I have no idea. She hasn't had a job since 2016. Just more kids by different men. DH doesn't want anything to do with her. I don't think he's said two words to her in years. All of our contact is with SS grandma.
CS is for the child. If he
CS is for the child. If he doesn't need it, he can put it into an account for his education. He doesn't even have to have any contact with her - he can file and ask that it be garnished from her wages. Dammit, paying child support is the very least she should be doing. Are you supporting the child financially? I bet you are. Why should you be contributing to his upkeep when his mother gets off scot free? Because your DH "has his pride"? The hell with that!
Open a child support case.
Open a child support case. Try to go thru the child support office verses a lawyer. Saves money.
She will be ordered to pay something to help support her child. Even IF is a measly 25bucks a week like ours was. It is amazing how much money bm's don't have, but they really DO have hidden.
BS with your husbands pride...Tell him his kid should know that mom is giving a little to help raise him. It actually is a need for young kids to know that. It's a peer thing too...MY mom paid for this, MY dad paid for that, MY mom and dad complain its too expensive. All the kids in the group NOD YES...it's a peer group thing. Makes them feeeeeel normal.
Anyway, sounds like dh wants you to feel, act and behave the same way a biological mother would. In other words, treat ss just like your own.
It's impossible to have the same 'feelings' as a biological parent does. Nature is designed that way for a reason.
Ask dh, do you LOVE and care about the neighbors kid 'like your own'...
be silent and listen to his answer. --He will say NO
Then ask, why not?
answer may be "because he is not my kid"
Bingo.
Welcome to Steptalk. Hope you hang around for awhile. Many of us have been through it all and then some. We will tell you like it is. No sugar coating from us
Most importantly, you are NOT alone, ok?
Though with wastes of skin like this BM, and my SS's Spermidiot
it may be the GPs that pay the CS.
The first CS order that the SpermGrandParents of my SS paid was for $110/mo. After the attempt by the SpermClan to take custody of SS from my DW when SS was 2yo, the hearing was less than a week after we married, SpermGrandPa nearly lost his mind when the judge raised CS from $110/mo to $133/mo. My SS was the first of 4 all out of wedlock Spermidiot Spawned half sibs by three baby mamas that the SpermGrandParents paid CS on for their POS statutory rapist son. THey raised the younger three while paying CS to those two BMs and housing their idiot serially breeding son in their rental property rent free and giving him their older vehicles. BM #2 and BM#3 took CS and left their Spawn with the Spermidiot's parents. As a licensed plumber, the Spermidiot was more than capable of supporting his own children. Why the SpermGPs never kicked his ass into paying for his own children is unknown.
We made sure to raise our son (my SS-30) with standards. He is a man of quality. Unlike anyone else in the shallow and polluted paternal end of his gene pool. Sadly the SpermGrandParents failed jsut as much in raising SS's younger half sibs as they did in raising the Spermidiot. His three younger half sibs are on the dole, in prison, or on their way to prison, in order of birth after SS.
The idiots who raise the idiots these kids are cursed to have been born to, deserve having to pay CS on their GKs on behalf of their own breeding failures. If the GPs had raised decent people, these kids would not have to suffer the stench that so many of them have to wallow in.
IMHO of course.
When SS would bring the guilt about his younger half sibs starving and not having nice things due to the CS, we made sure he understood that parents should have to support their children and that the SpermClan paid that CS showed that they loved him. Which likely was far from true, but... we felt it was important that SS had at least that "proof" that he was loved by THEM.