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Mother's Day

BonusMom101's picture

Mother's day is around the corner. I have never been celebrated as a mother. I don't have any of my own kids yet. I do have two beautiful step daughters though. They are currently 9 years old. My partner and I have been together for 2 years and 3 months to be exact. This will be our 3rd mother's day together as a couple.

During our 1st mother's day together,  we were only together for about 2 months. So obviously the relationship was still very new. So there definitely wasn't any expectations. Our 2nd mother's day together I didn't really expect anything either but I did have a little bit of hope in me that I might be caught by surprise ( This obviously didn't happen and it lead to disappointment). I obviously did not express my disappointment in any way. I took it with a hint of salt and let it go. 

Last year my partner and his kiddos moved in with me. It has almost been a year now. I am like a mom to the girls when they are here. I make their dinners, I make their lunches for school, I spend time with them, I help them with their school work, I brush their hair and I make sure that they get into the shower and wash up. 

I have been doing all of that for a while. I started doing this before they moved in. Is it wrong of me to expect a token of appreciation on mother's day? I guess that I am disappointed because I have always made the effort to do something with the girls on father's day to celebrate their dad. I have actually made this effort from the very 1st father's day we all had together. My partner really is a great dad. 

It frustrates me that my partner hasn't made the effort to encourage the girls to do something nice for me too. Something small. Just a card. It frustrates me that they make cards for their real mom and not for me. This is mainly because their real mom isn't even a great mom ( saving this topic for another blog). 

I won't lie but it actually does hurt. I guess it's easy to ignore the hurt because they are only kids. It doesn't suck less though. I really hope that this mother's day will be different somehow. 

 

 

 

Comments

justmakingthebest's picture

One piece of advice. If he doesn't come through this year, tell him it hurt you. Don't sit on that resentment. It festers and grows with other things that will happen. Sometimes men are dunces and they just don't get it on their own. 

CastleJJ's picture

StepMother's Day is the Sunday following Mother's Day.  Bring it up to your partner and tell him that going forward, you would like to be acknowledged on that day for everything you do as a stepparent. Leave Mother's Day and Father's Day to the bio-parents and treat SM's Day as a holiday just for you! 

I have only once been acknowledged on Mother's Day as a stepmom. BM actually helped SS pick out a card. This was years ago and BM was trying to buddy up to me for manipulation purposes. Beyond that, BM has made it clear that I am no Mother figure to SS at all. And frankly, I don't want to be his Mother or be acknowledged as such. I actually prefer to not be acknowledged on StepMother's Day either. I saved Mother's Day for my DD15mos and now I celebrate that with her. 

I know it can be hurtful to not feel acknowledged for everything you do as a stepparent, which is why I think StepMother's Day might be a great option for you! 

BonusMom101's picture

Thank you for sharing your story and your advice with me. I actually wasn't even aware of step mother's day at all. This is my first time being with someone who has kids from a previous relationship and it's my first time being a mom figure. 

I can't help but to wonder if it makes things easier if you have your own child? I do want a kid of my own. Not for that reason though. Obviously I want my own kid. My partner is a great dad and I know I will be a great mom too. 

CastleJJ's picture

My SS is 11. I have been in his life since he was 10 months old. I spent years assisting DH with the parenting stuff and acting "motherly" toward SS. Because we have a HCBM, it was very difficult to not feel burned by our circumstances. I constantly longed for a more significant relationship with SS, the ability to see him more, the ability to do more for him. Early on, he felt like a child of mine because I had been in his life from baby on up. I was there for a lot of the milestones and development. BM constantly used SS as a pawn for DH and I, manipulating us to do what BM wanted. We spent years in court and I had a really hard time. Then BM moved SS away out of state and we went from seeing him weekly to 6 weeks per year. That crushed me. I suffered for years from almost like PTSD or severe anxiety from what we endured due to BM, which I still have some symptoms of. Any dealing with BM send my anxiety through the roof because I am constantly waiting for the verbal or psychological abuse to start. Any conflict with her sends me into fight or flight mode.

Having DD15mos definitely helped minimize or eliminate those feelings. I have her to focus on and I have taken on more of a "aunt" role to SS. I choose the stuff I do when he is with us and I can choose to do nothing at all. My DH has supported me with that. I make sure that we all do family activities together and that both kids are treated fairly in the sense that they both have quality clothes, plenty of toys, and opportunities for travel and such. The bond between me and my SS and me and DD is totally different and I wouldnt have known that if I didn't have DD. 

BonusMom101's picture

Thank you for sharing. I am sorry to hear about your experience. It really isn't pleasant wanting to build a bond with a step child and the BM makes it difficult. I do applause you for wanting that and for trying. I am glad you have a child of your own. It's something I long for and I can only imagine that it makes a world's difference. 

However I can and will be very honest right now and I will point out something that might seem cruel BUT consider it a blessing in disguise that SS lives with BM and spends more time with her. You are so very lucky that this is the case for you compare to what other step mother's are going through. 

My partner and myself have weekly encounters and communication with BM because the kids stay with us half Mon, Tue and with her Wed, Thu and weekends are alternated. It really isn't pleasant having BM that much in our lives. Also she tends to dump more responsibility on my partner, even on her days. 

It's completely frustrating. 

CastleJJ's picture

My SS is 11. I have been in his life since he was 10 months old. I spent years assisting DH with the parenting stuff and acting "motherly" toward SS. Because we have a HCBM, it was very difficult to not feel burned by our circumstances. I constantly longed for a more significant relationship with SS, the ability to see him more, the ability to do more for him. Early on, he felt like a child of mine because I had been in his life from baby on up. I was there for a lot of the milestones and development. BM constantly used SS as a pawn for DH and I, manipulating us to do what BM wanted. We spent years in court and I had a really hard time. Then BM moved SS away out of state and we went from seeing him weekly to 6 weeks per year. That crushed me. I suffered for years from almost like PTSD or severe anxiety from what we endured due to BM, which I still have some symptoms of. Any dealing with BM send my anxiety through the roof because I am constantly waiting for the verbal or psychological abuse to start. Any conflict with her sends me into fight or flight mode.

Having DD15mos definitely helped minimize or eliminate those feelings. I have her to focus on and I have taken on more of a "aunt" role to SS. I choose the stuff I do when he is with us and I can choose to do nothing at all. My DH has supported me with that. I make sure that we all do family activities together and that both kids are treated fairly in the sense that they both have quality clothes, plenty of toys, and opportunities for travel and such. The bond between me and my SS and me and DD is totally different and I wouldnt have known that if I didn't have DD. 

CajunMom's picture

Save yourself some grief. While you are doing "motherly" things, you are NOT their mother....as all of us here have learned over the years. There are a few families that can truly blend.....but it is rare. Think of yourself more as a friend or aunt for these girls.

I'm sorry your SO is "blind" and doesn't encourage his girls to honor you on Mother's Day for all you do for them.....many of us here have DHs that do the same thing. If you are inclined, talk with your SO but don't be surprised if he says something like "you aren't their mom" (as I was told by DHs kids themselves). If you are bothered by this, then let your SO take over all those "kid jobs" you do because in reality, it's HIS job to do those things. You can help but it should be minimal.

 

BonusMom101's picture

Thank you. I don't think my partner expects it of me to do any parenting duties. I started doing it to help him and because I love him. I will admit that he has gotten very used to it though. Before me he used to do everything himself. He will never point out that I am not their mother. The obvious reason because we both know that I am not but also because he knows their biological mother is unreliable. 

I will however talk to him about how I feel and to encourage the girls to honor me on step mother's day. I have only recently learned that step mother's day is the Sunday after mother's day. 

Mominit's picture

Your sks are young.  You have many more years ahead of you.  Teach them and teach DH how you want to be treated.  It's not unreasonable to want to be appreciated for your role in their lives.  If DH doesn't want to do it for Mother's Day (as the previous poster suggested), then tell him you expect to be honoured on Step Mother's Day (the following weekend). If he doesn't have a strong objection, pick the day you want more.

DH likely won't realize it means a lot to you.  Additionally, part of raising kids is teaching them empathy and gratitude.  For all you do, you'd like to be honoured.  DH needs to take the lead to ensure it happens, and then you need to genuinely ooooh and ahhh and fuss over how much it means to you.  That positive feedback will teach them empathy.  But realize that next year, they'll likely forget again.  Remind them again (a week ahead of time!).  Eventually they will remember on their own.

Don't hint, don't take offense - communicate directly with DH.  Tell him you want breakfast in bed.  Or a hand drawn card.  Or flowers presented by each of them.  Whatever is appropriate for Father's Day - teach them that the same amount of energy/effort is appropriate for you (assuming you really do act as a Mom to them.  If you're generally disengaged all of the above is moot.  You're looking for acknowledgement in line with the effort you give).

I forget birthdays.  My siblings and I remind each other.  I'd rather have clear communication that wallow in hurt feelings. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Since they are 9, this is all on your DH. I would do like the above poster said and remind him (sweetly) when Stepmother's Day is. If he wants you to keep doing motherly things, he should show some appreciation. 

AgedOut's picture

"Honey did you know the Sunday after Mother's Day is Step-Mother's Day?"

 

 

BonusMom101's picture

I was actually completely unaware of this until this post I shared. 

la_dulce_vida's picture

This is tricky. If the bio mom is not a great mom, I would bet any money that she would go ballistic if she found out that "her babies" were celebrating any other woman on mother's day. Your stepdaughters could get a lot of crap from their mom which would create a loyalty bind.

All the things you do, you really do to help support your partner, and he should be the driver for showing appreciation for you on mother's day. If he says, "Well, you aren't their mother" tell him "That's right! So that means that I can kick back and leave all the parenting to you including help with homework, rides, hair brushing, lunch making, etc. Thanks babe. I'll remember my place."

Survivingstephell's picture

I would ask DH what kind of relationship he wants years from now and how he expects you all to get along.  If he has some fantasy answer and is not on track for that to happen, read him stories from the adult forum.  The really bad ones.  It is up to HIM to teach the girls to respect you, the things you do for them and to do his upmost to make sure they understand and respect your role in their life.  If he wants a happy life in the long run, he puts the effort in NOW to make that happen.  
 

I wouldn't hesitate one second to go on strike if he forgets you.  If they forget you.  I don't think it's too much to ask.  It's also necessary to point out the obvious to men. They are simple creatures at times. 

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

Expectations from children who already have a mother to include you on Mothers Day seem a bit presumptuous

I dont think you should expect anything from them. Maybe they will get you something or remember you as some sort of "maternal figure' but I highly doubt that. Prepare to be disappointed if you have these expectations

Cover1W's picture

My SDs only acknowledged Mother's Day once for me. The first year I'd been around. And DH instigated it. But they obviously loved doing it. After that NADA - then began the second year of being yelled at "You're not my mom!" and my disengagement started out. Slowly, but it started.

I have to give DH credit. He asked me how I felt about Mother's Day and I told him I'm not the mom, I don't want to be the mom or function like their mom and they reject it so forget about it. And that's been ok with me. They didn't even ever acknowledge my birthday (often DH didn't even have them on that weekend which was great in my book).

I would immediately discuss it with your DH and I like the suggestion of Step-Mother day; you do more than I was doing after three years so you should receive some acknowledgement if it's important to you. He gets father's day right?

Ispofacto's picture

Something I learned in Al Anon:

Stop having expectations, they are a recipe for disappointment and resentment.

If you do someone a favor, or give someone a gift, or a loan, etc, assume they will not reciprocate or thank you or repay you. Knowing that is a possibility, only do what you want to do, only give what you want to give, freely, without expectations, without resentment.

You are not obligated to do anything for these kids. Everything you do for them is a gift/favor. Remember that.

But it's also a good idea for your DH to teach his children about kindness and gratitude, so maybe mention it to him and then let it go.

 

daisydiamond82's picture

I've been with DH for 4 years. We just got married in January this year. SD10 has never, not once, acknowledged me on Mother's Day and that's been fine with me. I wasn't really apart of her day to day life until about the last year. We mostly spent time together on weekends, holiday breaks, etc. before I moved in. So, I really didn't expect anything at all. SD didn't really even start acknowledging me as her stepmom until after I moved in anyway. I've helped her pick out stuff for BM in the past, and we've made crafts for her, too, but I've never really pushed the idea SD should do anything for me... until this year. DH, SD, and myself were all at the table earlier this week and DH said that SD should start thinking about stuff to make BM for Mother's Day and I said, "And you know, Stepmother's Day is the Sunday after so..." and DH said, "ooh yeah! You better think about that, too, SD." And honestly, that's all I'm going to say about it. If DH and SD decide to do something for me, then that would be wonderful, but if they don't, I won't be surprised and I'll let DH know about how I feel. I've learned the key is low expectations. Sometimes we're treated like a guest star in our skids lives and that hella sucks. Especially when we work hard to make their lunches, play chauffer, and encourage them to be good people. Trust me, there are times I cry in my bedroom and just think, "This is such a thankless waste of time," and then I remember all the good my stepparents have done for me and hope one day SD can say the same. Maybe one day there will be flowers and a card for me on Mother's Day, or Stepmother's Day, but this year the bar is basically on the floor. Even just saying, "Happy Mother's/Stepmother's Day" would be enough for me. All we want is to be acknowledged for the sacrifices we've made for our stepkids. Personally, every year on Father's Day, my stepdad gets a card and a few new button up shirts from me that he wears until they are threadbare, lol. My stepdad is my dad but it took a long time for that to happen. Be patient, set your expectations, and make sure your partner knows when they aren't met. 

ChauffeurNanny's picture

daisydiamond82 your comment resonates with me. I've also only been in my skids (SD's 11 & 14) everyday life for a little over a year when we moved under one roof - I have however been in their lives for 6 years.  We have a different dynamic than most contributors I have seen post in these forums in that we are two Mom's.   Their Father is rarely in their lives, his girlfriend has been around a short time and is not on the skids radar as really anything in their lives although they get along with her just fine.

My screen name is derived from my reality that a Chauffeur and Nanny is all I really am to these skids.  They go to their Mom for any and all concerns or minor questions - even if I am in the room.  They are not rude to me at all, don't give me side-eye, or say rude comments under their breath.  I've never gotten the "don't tell me what to do, you're not my Mother" comment from either of them.  It really comes down to just being invisible in my own home.  This is why the moniker 'ChaufferNanny' fits so well.  One appreciates what a Chauffeur and Nanny does for them, but those roles are typically don't come with a deep level of caring and love.  This is exactly how I'm treated by both of them.  

My partner is quite cognisant of how they treat me with their lack of inclusion.  She has spoken to them countless times in attempt to understand why this is happening and she will often send them to me to have questions answered to promote inclusion.  Frankly, she feels horrible that I go through this with them.  For sure there is abandonment issues with their Father who never puts them first.  It’s almost as if they can't allow anyone else 'in'.  Therapy has started for both of them, however too early in the process to change the tide as yet.

So Mother's Day...ugh. I wish I could adult more to have this day not bother me, but I guess I just can't adult enough.  Last night SD11 came into my office to ask if she could hide a Mother's Day vase she made at school so that her Mom wouldn’t find it.  This morning she showed me a beautiful card with loving words she had made for her Mom.  I said allllllll the right things - what a good job she did and that her Mom will love it all the while thinking to myself that I just want to be somewhere else when those gifts are given to her Mom so I don't have to sit and watch. 
I literally do everything for both skids that bio Mom does - likely more as I have my own business and work at home.  I am available for whatever they need whenever they need it and give it without hesitation.  It kills me that they freely accept all I do for them but would never let it cross their minds to show even the smallest level of appreciation.  
I keep telling myself that I am playing a long game here with them and it will get better as they age.  I am hopeful that maturity will eventually smack them in the head to recognise that I have been there the whole time.

I loved reading that there is a Step Mother's Day!  Unfortunately this year it falls on SD11's birthday.  Don't think it wise to put forth that I should be celebrated on this date as well.  Maybe next year? 
Until then, I will heed your advice - "be patient, set my expectations, and make sure that my partner knows when they aren't being met" .  Thank you Smile

 

BonusMom101's picture

Reading your comment has made me feel loads better. Thank you. You are super understanding and super patient BUT you can also relate more than others and you are also more able to analyze this situation from all angles given that you yourself are a step kid too and have step parents. 

Rags's picture

about recognition as a father to my SS-30. I am the first person he ever called Dad(dy), I am the dad he has early full time memories of, he asked me to adopt him and wears our famly name on his USAF uniform. When the adoption was signed when he was 22, 4 days after he asked for me to adopt him, he and his mom shared a last name for the first time.

I have always been his dad.  Even  before his mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo.

He does not always send me a card, in fact he rarely does. But he does call me for every FD though some years it a day or two early, other years it is a day or two after and even other years it is on FD.

I get how being the only REAL mom or REAL dad a SKid has and not getting some recognition can be angering.  

For damned sure your SO should be recognizing you whehter your Skid's do it.