For me, I found out (and it took me years to realize this after i got married unfortunately lol) that the entire dynamics of my husband and his exes was rooted in narcissim on both sides. The BMs have extreme personality disorders and need to be the center of attention and served hand and foot while my husband wants to live his life the way he wants to and doesnt care for anyones feelings or impact on others

As a result, the children are huge narcissists who take on from their mothers and father but 1000× amplified. I liken my situation as being thrown in a snakes pit....you will continue to get poisonous bites even well after you are dead. 

Its a bitter and strange realisation but over the years once I became aware and started to understand, I am now mostly fully capable of dealing with these behaviors and have coping mechanisms. I also have developed a coping mechanism.

I cant believe what I am saying but when I look at my husbands family and his exes, they all have some type of messed up narcissistic, selfish, user traits....I wouldnt have believed it if I had not experienced it. There is such a thing as "child of wrath" because his parents were extremely selfish and narci and neglectful and so are the GBMs, so it started there. Its generational and I am now part of it but I refuse to succumb to the cycle I have entered

And as you mentioned, none of them would help or do the same. Thats why I am completely disengaged for the most part. On my end, i grew up with believing that the more useful you make yourself the more worthy of love you are. This is something that my own parents went through with their parents unfortunately, so I was a complete doormat for many years in this marriage but not anymore thank god.

Neither DH nor BM is a narcissist; that had nothing to do with their divorce.  However, I am 100% convinced that BM's new husband, the Golden Goose, is a benign narcissist.  And I see my husband being pushed out of the picture a bit so that the Golden Goose can play FOTY to the skids. It'll be interesting to see how this plays out.

I have always said that when you meet someone that has been divorced.. there is probably a 50/50 chance that they were a part of the problem.. more than one divorce?  the odds go up!!!  Especially to break up a home with kids.. you would think the bar to tolerate a less than perfect marriage would be preferable to the problems you have to deal with as a divorced parent. (child support.. custody schedules.. new partner involvement with your kids etc).

I think on this site.. which is mostly women.. it is more typical that the women who marry a divorced w/kids man have issues.. because while we would like to think that the world has evolved greatly and that we are all such progressive beings.. child rearing.. the nitty gritty of it is still primarily seen as a woman's responsibility in the home.

Of course, it's often because men have higher earning power in many cases..so if one person is to dial back their career for the family's sake.. it usually makes the most sense for the wife to do it.  PLUS.. she is the one who would be carrying that child.. and providing physical support.. nursing etc.. when they are very young.. just between nature.. financial and societal norms.. women become "mothers".. and dad's are the "providers".. (even when both work.. men often are still the higher earner).

So.. this relative divisiion of responsibility in a "first" home (for lack of a better term).. is not all that unbalanced because the two Heads of Household.. are parents jointly to the kids.. the man doesn't feel burdened if more income has to subsidize his wife's lesser earnings because she is taking on more of the kid watching/care. The wife is caring for her bio kids.. and appreciates her husband's help outside his work responsibilities that provide financial comfort.  Even for dual income households.. the division falls generally along those lines.

But.. in the "subsequent" relationship... a woman coming to the household of a DMWK (div man w/ kid).  those divisions break down a bit.. he may still be the higher earner.. and his new wife may even appreciate or want his extra income... the ability to be a sahm even and care for her bio children she wants to have with him.. but you have these pesky skids.. that need to be cared for.  Man expects woman to do woman.  Woman expects man to watch his kids.. man has no idea how that even works.. maybe has extra guilt for running out on his ex.. for splitting up the family.. Man has been eviscerated by the courts.. and gets little time.. but lots of financial obligations.. desperate to no become a non-issue for his kids.. but not able to quit his job to care for them anyway.

and then you have the EXW who sees the NewWife as an interloper.. with her kids.. bitter at her ex.. etc.. and takes it out on the new wife.

All in all.. the new wife is often at a disadvantage.

perhaps one way I was not is i did not have nor did we have joint kids together.. I also had a very good job that actually was better than my DH's so there was no rational way to see me as giving up any of that for his kid's benefit... 

I'm an unofficial "expert" on narcissism after my 4.5 year relationship and less than two year marriage to a legit covert narcissist.

People can be selfish and cruel, and NOT be narcissists.

Actual Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is rare, but all people fall on a spectrum of narcissistic behavior.

One key way to determine if someone is LIKELY NPD is if they seek supply (attention and adoration with negative and positive emotional feedback) like a crack addict seeks crack, if they derive some kind of sick pleasure from the pain of others, and a gross lack of empathy.

True NPD far exceeds the run of the mill selfishness and seeming lack of empathy most people see today.

My NPD ex saw me as a useful appliance. When I didn't act like a useful appliance, I was treated to rage, silence, cold shoulder and any manner of punishment. He could pretend like he actually cared about me, but it was ALWAYS to make him look good or to get from me whatever he needed at the moment.

He was a "pillar of the community" but an awful racist and misogynist behind closed doors. And people with NPD exhibit narc rage that changes their whole demeanor - their eyes appear to go black and they seethe contempt.

There's a lot more to it, but I just wanted to share that we often label someone a narcissist when they are just selfish and self centered. Few people are really narcissists.

DONE! My divorce was just finalized last month, so "STBXH" is now officially EX.

Yes, I believe he is a Covert Narcissist. I've received a great deal of insight on this via YouTube & internet from:

• Dr. Ramani
• Dr. Les Carter/Surviving Narcissism
• HG Tudor/Knowing the Narcissist
• ChumpLady.com
• Shrink4Men

I tend to agree with ESMOD. There is usually blame to pass around on both sides.

My wife and her ex married young. My wife went through some trauma prior to meeting him and by her own admission, she was not easy to deal with. She had a lot of anger. They stayed married for about 12 years and had 4 daughters. 

I don't know if he is a narcissist and if someone could guess a diagnosis on him, I would be curious. 

During their marriage, he cheated on my wife, who is a gorgeous woman and I am not just saying that. She gets a lot of looks now. He would usually do it on business trips with buddies. He was also heavy into pornography. He did all of this while keeping her home to raise the children. He could do some of the worst things and according to her he always justified it. She forgave him multiple times for cheating. What pushed her over the edge was when he got into swinging and wanted her to engage in some things that she did not want to do. At that point, it was over and she moved on. 

My experience with him is odd. We avoided each other for the most part. However, he only does something if it benefits him, and he did this with each of my SDs. I could like many odd behaviors but the egregious thing he did that I never understood was when he got into a terrible argument with my oldest SD who was 15. My wife did not like how it was handled because it was his weekend and SD15 was told to go back home by him and his parents, which violated the custody agreement. I was young at this point and there was probably unnecessary drama on both sides. He then left for three years. Not a word, phone call to those girls for three years. He would send Amazon gift cards which usually came in late, if at all, with a note on it that said how much he missed them.

He always blamed us for his absence. Saying we forced him. I am not sure how I could force him as I did not have any legal rights and there was a court order. He came back when my oldest SD rebelled against our rules. Next thing I know I am getting accused of abuse. 

Three of my SDs display similar traits to him with the main one they all share being a lack of empathy. How they are able to treat their mother and me despite everything we did (me not being required to do) has to be narcissistic. It is actually quite sick.

However, I don't like just labeling someone. He is very successful and makes a boatload of money so he seems to do very well at work.

Husband and his Ex Toxic Troll Bm, as much as I would like to blame only her for their relationships demise, I definitely now that I know how he is in relationships, give him a lot more "credit" for the failure that I did previously. Id say its 70/30.

I dont label him a narc. I just know that he takes zero responsibility for doing anything wrong. Just like he doesnt think he has done anything wrong in OUR relationship, he places all the blame for anything wrong squarely on my shoulders. Yet, how many wives in good relationships can say that their husband has berated them in front of the children, made them the butt of many jokes, called them names and spends the majority of their free time with their male BFF. 

Of course, on the surface (which I bought into) it certainly LOOKs as if Husband was the "good one" and Toxic Troll was the "bad one", we all know by now that even sick BM's dont share 100% of the blame for the end results. It definitely takes 2. 

Just last night we had a discussion that went just ok, but that the end result is that my very thin layer of trust has been worn even thinner, to almost non-existence. Something so toxic I dont even want to discuss it right now.

Disordered. She comes from a family of nutters and dysfunction. My husband is a good natured person and she took advantage of that. Its taken a while for my husband to realise that isn't healthy 

the exwife has neglected and abused all 3 kids but the daughters believe they are superior and gt to dictate what happens with us and our kids. My husband had to sit the eldest down and tell her that she is his daughter, not his wife and therefore she doesn't get to answer me back or dictate what happens with our kids etc. the daughters have sulked about that. the daughters abandoned their dad then guilted him for moving on with his life with me and having 2 kids with me.

i reminded my husband about 4.5-5 yrs ago that he needs to understand he is biologically related to skids, i am not so any relationship is dependent on civility and respect etc. if his kids behave as disrespectful little aholes, I certainly won't claim the sun shines out of their arse. 

Sorry that so many have experienced such toxicity in relationships.

I too have had a marriage that nearly broke me.  My XW was serially adulterous, and was using me to get through nursing school.  She was incapable of writing at an honors level in her university studies.  I wrote every paper she was assigned for her Las 3 years of undergrad.

I got a single B on the papers I wrote for her.  All others were As.

Once she completed her BS in Nursing and passed the boards, it was a few short months before she packed, moved out, and filed for divorce.

Her diaries made it clear that I was a means to an end.  Nothing more.

My top disappointment..... in myself, is that I tolerated her for the 28 months I was married to her.  Thanks to a great therapist, an overconfidence in myself, and the amaizing parents I am blessed with, I have avoided repeating that disaster.

My incredible brilliant stunning bride and I will celebrate our 29th anniversary in a a few weeks.

Be good to ourselves.  Living well is both the greatest gift we can give to our own lives, and..... is the greatest revenge we can invoke against a toxic X.

Take care everyone.