Frustrated with SD and EX Wife issues
Hi All,
This is my first post on here.
I came into my SD life when she was 4 (15yrs ago) We have always had a very good realtionship but on times my SD and her Mum can be challenging. It's now got to the point where it's impacting on my relationship with my SD as everything I say or do is judged and ridiculed so I feel I just can't say anything at all.
The back story is my HB marraige broke down and his EW left him for another man. I came along a few months later and they have made life difficult for us ever since. It appears that my SD only wants to come round to see us when she wants something from us like a trip to Mcdonalds or make up, clothing ect. She never really wants to just come round to spend time together as a family. My SD sufferes with anxiety and at the age of 19 she refuses to stay in eductaion or even get a job, she basically sits home all day sleeping and doing nothing.
Recently things have gone up a notch.... If my SD doesn't get her own way she can be ruthless in the way she makes things up. Over Christmas there was a change in plans due to illness and as a result she missed out on seeing her internet bf... This was obviously all my fault and she went into full on assasination mode telling everyone and anyone horrible lies about me, she even told people i'm controlling and I stop her Dad from seeing her and I honestly have never ever done any such thing :(.... When all was resolved she said sorry and admitted to making it all up just to hurt me... EW said she should never have apologised.
My HB and I have a daughter together who is 12 and recently after my husband told my SD off for trying to make her sister jealous she again went into full on assasination mode and accused us of treating her unfairly, it turns out she is jealous because I needed to buy her sister clothes and she didn't get anything bought for her.
I have done an enormous amount for my SD over the years including school/college runs (when she went) organised and taken her to doctors, dental and job centre appointments, bought her clothes when she said she needed them and her Mum wouldn't buy them and I always make sure I check in with her daily to see if she is doing ok.
My husbands EW phoned him the other day and accused me of saying things to my SD to make her jealous for example my SD just got back from a 3 week holiday to Florida with her Mum but she won't come away on our holiday because she won't leave her Mums side and I was in the wrong for asking what the weather was like for when we go (that's apparently making her jealous) the EW said my SD had been showing her my messages. I spoke to me SD about it yesterday and she put blame on her Mum and said she always questions her about our messages and her Mum said i'm jealous of her.
I have been fat shamed, called a bad parent and even a horrible person which couldn't be further from the truth.
MY SD's also made stuff up about her mums family she's accused them of being agressive and not feeding her and shes also accused her step dad of touching her inapproriatley.
My HB won't ask if we can all sit down together to sort things out because the EW has a strange effect on him where he just can't stand up for himself.
Both of them are just dangerously manipulative and full of the green eyed monster 
Does anyone else experience this? any advise would be appreciated.
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Comments
SD is 19, that makes are an
SD is 19, that makes her an adult. There is no need to communicate with his ex.
I would have a sit down with you, your husband and SD. Hell, even include your daughter. Explain that this family will have respect for eachother. Not getting your way is not a reason to make up lies.
I would tell her that the money and treat train is stopping. She either needs a full time job or be enrolled in college by August 1. There are no free rides and she isn't welcome to just come and go as she pleases. She is an adult. (this will be good for your daughter to hear as well, those are important expectations). IF she goes to college, you will do X,Y, Z to help her but if not, than she is on her own.
BM doesn't need to be a part of this, if SD wants to yell and say how horrible you and your husband are- so be it. Pre-warn close family that you are having a heart to heart about her behavior and choice and she probably won't like it.
We have been wanting to do
We have been wanting to do this since Christmas she just refuses to come round if it doesn't benefit her.
She did have a job so my DH stopped paying Child maintence she lost that job due to poor time keeping and is now getting £250 off the job centre for doing nothing at all.
BM is fuming over this because she's building a large home extension and she needed his contribution to pay for it. she openly admits that she doesn't spend it on my SD which results in us paying extra on top.
We still buy her food ect which always needs to be dropped off at the BM house.
Stop doing that. If she doesn
Stop doing that. If she doesn't want to come around, fine! Keep on with your lives. Do not play these games of chasing a grown woman. Tell your DH the only woman he should be chasing is you!
My advice would be to
My advice would be to disengage from your SD.. her mom.. there is no amount of "sitting down to discuss" that is going to fix the dysfunction.
Your SD may be jealous of you and your daughter for having more of your husband's time and attention.. her mother may be encouraging that resentment.
It sounds like you did as much as you could to help your DH raise his child.. and you did nice things for her.. but to be honest.. as a child.. it was her parent's responsibility to provide for her.. and she just saw what you provided as being an entitlement of a child.. and your husband.. I hope was appropriately thankful that you volunteered your time and resources for his child.
At this point though.. it seems his daughter is going to make any interraction into some mountain.. and her mom will twist any intent of anything you say to her.. so.. at this point I would step back and leave it to your husband to have a relationship with his daughter how he wishes.. and you can support and still see her.. but from a very hands off and dialed back way. Mirror her actions and discussion.. but don't go out of your way for it to happen.. and when she makes demands? point her to her father.. let him deal with it.
Otherwise.. I would really try to put out of my head whatever resentment her mother has for you.. she is bitter for whatever reason.. who cares.. you don't have to deal with her.
SD is an adult.. and perhaps you should be on the same page with your DH as far as any support she gets.. but otherwise.. let him manage that relationship.
SD is 19 now? She's an adult
SD is 19 now? She's an adult and as such should be treated as one, not like the child she is acting like. Draw some firm boundaries around your home and tell DH (dear husband) that he can see SD outside if the home. Is there still a CO in place or is that over with now? ( Some states go to 21). As far as I'm concerned, you are done with providing anything for SD. If she has needs she can get a job. Keep giving to her and you keep her stunted. Your focus now is to finish raising your bio kid. That's SD's problem is she can't understand that. Read around the adult skid forum for other ideas and horror stories. Basically block the two of them and leave them to themselves.
Yes she is now 19.... BM only
Yes she is now 19.... BM only now gets in touch when she wants to have a go.
DH and BM have both taken advantage of my good nature over the years and the majority of the parenting work was sent my way.
Problems at school, teeth needed removing, orthodontist needed, clothes, lifts it's always been ask SM to deal with it.
I have tried to treat her just like my own but the way I am being treated isn't sitting right with me.
BM can't have a go at you if
BM can't have a go at you if she's blocked from all sides - block her number, her email and any other access to you (all social media accounts) that she may have. If youir husband wants to deal with her then that's his problem but make sure he understands that you do not want to know about it. Do exactly the same for your SD. She is not your responsibility. Block, block, block.
You'll need a long talk with your husband about supplying money. Not a penny more is to go to his ex or his daughter unless she needs help going to college and even then it has to be discussed between the two of you first. Otherwise she can work to earn her keep like the rest of us.
I would also not allow her back into my home given the accusations she's thrown around about you. Defamation is no laughing matter.
Wipe the pair of them out of your life and get on with raising your own child.
Sorry, at what point did you
Sorry, at what point did you all have a good relationship? When she was 6? Because absolutely nothing you wrote makes her a good person deserving of your love and attention.
She has two parents. You aren't one of them. That isn't a slight against you; that is permission for you to step away from this monster created by her toxic mother and ball-less father. Yes, your husband has a BIG hand in this in that he hasn't gotten over his baggage enough to protect you from his daughter and XW, protect his daughter from his XW, and teach his daughter how to be a productive member of society.
This is NOT yours to fix. Stop texting SD. Stop inviting her to things. Tell your DH that if HE wants to see his daughter he does so outside the house since HE can't figure out how to stand up to her and keep you out of the crosshairs. If he doesn't like that, then he needs to start making some big changes in how he behaves.
You are allowed to not like your SD. You are allowed to not have a relationship with her. You are allowed to not care. She is an adult who is and has PURPOSEFULLY hurt you because she wanted to. You don't need that in your life, and neither does your DD. So cut her off from you and let your DH handle the mess he let fester.
Thank you, you're right maybe
Thank you, you're right maybe i'm too nice for my own good.
And...
That being too nice is no longer working for you.
I too stepped in when it looked like I was "needed". I have no bios of my own to nurture and love like my own, so I poured that onto SD16 Power Sulk. I came into her life when she was 8. I took care of her on husbands weekends when he'd be gone all day fishing - we went to parks and the beach, lunches and salon visits, shopping trips...boy was I in for a rude awakening down the road. We went from 2 peas in the pod to, well, coldly civil strangers, and she will throw scraps at me when she needs something, or just needs a safe place to unload her emotional garbage. Its all laid out there in my blogs.
SD24 Feral Forger has always hated me, although I did try to build friendly bridges (ie gave her money and took out to meals) and she did tell me she wanted a better relationship (ie taking my $$ and having someone organize get togethers with her and daddy cakes and possibly allowing her to move back in when some kind of drama came along...). Shes another kind of disordered. It sounds like your SD is a not-so-friendly combination of both my SDs. She takes and takes like this never ending black hole of nothing ness, sqeals when the gravy train slows down or is diverted to your own bio, her half sister, and then makes up her own narrative of how she is this poor victim child of divorce being ignored and mistreated in favor of the "new family".
STOP. Stop doing for her. The others here have articulated the whys. Maybe you need to read this a few times over. She is an adult. Her PARENTS have enabled her to the point of disablement. She is emotionally stunted at best, and is dangerously manipulative at worst. If she makes up abuse allegations and follows through with them, your bio child can be taken away from you. CPS is no joke.
Your husband contributed to this, but it sounds like from your comments you also enabled him by taking on a large amount of the parenting. So STOP. Back off. Disengage. Stop inviting her anywhere. Those are the repercussions of her lashing out.
Block the BM. There is absolutely no reason for her to contact you and you dont need that in your life.
Welcome to Steptalk!
Thank you, it's nice to hear
Thank you, it's nice to hear i'm not alone.
BM doesn't contact me as she knows I won't let her talk to me like dirt.
she does most of it via SD or DH
Block the Bish
So, here is what you do:
DH: "SD sais BM is mad..."
You: "what would you like for dinner, sweety?"
DH: "Dont you want to know why?"
You :"not really, so Im thinking rosemary chicken with those cute little roast potatoes..."
DH :"Ok, lets go with that..."
I used to pursue it and rail and rant...now, I just move along.
Actions Have Consequences
If someone, anyone, in your life is toxic, don't reward them by continuing to be nice. Disengage. She's angry and lashing out and you are a soft target. Stop volunteering for her abuse.
You teach people how to treat you. Knowing toxic behavior will halt the gravy train is an important lesson for everyone in your life to learn. Being cruel to nice people can become a very bad habit if it is allowed.
We still buy her food ect
Stop! Why would you buy her food and drop it at BM's? If there is no food in the house, both BM and SD can find the nearest food pantry or food kitchen. If it's because SD doesn't like the food available, too bad. If SD wants specific food, she needs to get a job to buy it.
You said you wanted to treat her like your own. Then do it. You would not put up with this level of disrespect from a bio. Don't do it for a step.
UK here too
Any CS obligations are over for your DH. She's opted out of education so that's it. So what that BM has expensive tastes. Basically, it sucks to be her. If your DH stops the gravy train BM will be forced to push SD to get a job.
And then disengage from all the drama.
One warning
If BM gets annoyed enough at SD she may try to pack her off to your house. DO NOT let her move under any circumstances.
My DH stopped his payments
My DH stopped his payments last July after giving 3 months polite notice. BM has created a situation where SD refuses to sleep anywhere else other than the BM home she's incredibly immature and the BM's kept her that way.
BM is very clever with the emotional strings.
BM's karma will be SD sucking
BM's karma will be SD sucking her wallet and patience dry. Don't stand in the way of that happening. Give BM what she wanted all along , control over SD. No more money to support this folly. DH can't fix it.
You are not her personal grub
You are not her personal grub hub, she wants food delivered, she can order it and pay for it herself. She's an adult not a child.
Seriously, you check in with
Seriously, you check in with her everyday and drop off food? That is crazy! I love and adore my sons but I would never contact them that much! Back off, leave her alone. Like the song says "how can I miss you if you won't go away?"
Well most days I do just like
Well most days I do just like I check in on my BD when she gets home from school... I know she spends most of her days at home alone and the caring side of my worries about her because I know her BM doesn't.
Yes, but ...
your daughter is only TWELVE!
I have a daughter who is 20, who is at school two and a half hours away and we only check in once a week ... if that. Time for SD to grown the heck up.
My BD is 12, my SD is 19
My BD is 12, my SD is 19
I know. I think it's
I know. I think it's perfectly normal to check in with a 12yo who"s just home from school and is on her own. A 19 yo doesn't need that kind of attention.
Her actual age is 19 but
Her actual age is 19 but mentally I think she sits around 13/14
Only because her being 13/14 is tolerated.
Kids deliver to expectation. If they are not held to age appropriate standards, a 19yo delivers to the level of a 13/14yo.
My SD21 lies about me
My SD21 lies about me. She has since she was 15, which is why she lives somewhere else and is banned from our home. She is now pissed that that she can't come to our lovely new house we bought last year - and have Thanksgiving dinner with her sisters, Dad, and aunt and family. Well, too f*cken bad. Not my problem. If the aunt wants to host Thanksgiving - I may just bow out if SD21 is invited, but my DH can go and so can her sisters. I am not biologically related to this turd so I don't feel obligated to go.