Read the title, it is a place for STEPPARENTS to come and vent.  Meaning, a place where stepparents can feel free to discuss the challenges and problems they have with stepkids.  There are lots of sites out there about "Evil Stepmothers" and "I hate my stepmother."  Please go and find one of those sites as they will be able to provide a safe place for you to discuss how awful your stepmother is - this is not the place for that.   I wish you the best in this difficult situation...

This is quite an emotional time for everyone and I hope your dad is better.  From your viewpoint, you're a new mom whose beloved dad just underwent a serious surgery and you're hurt thst you weren't notified earlier.  From your SM's viewpoint, she's a grieving woman whose dear husband just underwent a serious surgery and was confronted with an emotional SD who began an argument at the worst time.

Neither one of you is right and neither one is wrong.  Again, I hope your dad is recovering well.  I have to admit that as the SM of a very emotional SD who is close to her dad, I've already decided to do the same as your SM in case of an emergency and my DH is 85 with prostate cancer so you know what I mean.  I'll call my OSS, tell him and ask him to convey the info to SD.  I'm not sure how I'll handle a hospital emergency but if we are talking about a funeral, my DD has already agreed to keep SD away from me.  I dont hate her but I know I only have so much bandwidth and cant cope with her hysterics in an emergency situation.  My SD probably won't be hapoy, either.

You ask how to proceed.  I think, underneath it all, you respect your SM and are grateful that she raised you. If I were she, I'd appreciate some time and peace at this time.  Perhaps, you'll call or text her every few days to see how he is and how shes doing.  I'd try not to cry or get emotional.  The more you can be a stable, sensible petson, the more she might let her guard down.

Some people show their love by expressing their emotion, more indicating deeper love.  I understand that.  But others of us are more reserved altho we feel deep emotions, too.  We get overwhelmed by other people being very emotional when we are grieving, worried and barely hanging on.

Give her some time and space then model your most adult behavior.  Good luck and best wishes.

There's the problem right there. Pass me the sick bucket. Let your dad and SM have the dates and you find your own lover to date.

what is it with modern parenting where bios want to 'date' their kids? 

As previously said, this is not the site for you. 

I think whatever advice you will receive on this site you will need to read with an open mind. We are all step parents with our own unique circumstances of stepchildren. Some are wise people that have had traumatic experiences and some are still struggling today. My experience of being a step mother has already shown that no matter how hard I try, I will never have the unconditional love relationship that I have with my own biological child. You might relate that with the same feeling you feel for your step mother vs your father even though she was in your life as a parent when you were only a small child of 2. 

So if you are very close to your father and obviously never had that unconditional love and closeness to your stepmother, you can imagine how she may have felt like a 'third wheel' in her marriage. It's not fun and I have had these feelings myself in early days watching SD4 and SS6 at the time constantly cuddling with my DH on the couch and me feeling awkward sitting alone next to the dog. Who wants to have that every night in your own home in a marriage? Again, it's a step parent struggle. 

To have the continuing one on one time you want with only your father, not extending the invite to his wife as an adult, is not good manners basically. I understand you and your dad are close but to have 'date night' with him without his wife there is odd to me. I know my own DH would say to SD my wife is coming with me so I'm not excluded sitting awkwardly alone on my couch with the dog again. 
 

I think how your step mum notified your sister the message about your father rushed to hospital you not being told personally is not out of the norm. I get told a few things from my eldest sister regarding our parents and realise well they are in their 70's and they know their children are now adults that have the ability to communicate to each other. I will then reach out to them myself and find out the details of what's going on. I wouldn't hold your stepmother in the wrong there at all. It's a traumatic experience to go through and having the time to communicate to one of her husbands children to relay a message to the rest is logical and less stressful. 

I think there is obviously underlying issues over the years that has put a strain on your relationship with her but maybe reading around this site you may see the perspective of a step parent. We have no control of a lot things regarding our life with step children. We can only rely on our husbands to control their children and receive the respect we hope to get from them. I think listen to your sister and try and not take things too personally from your stepmother. Ontop of already being excluded she's lost her son and nearly lost her husband. My heart goes out to her, and as a mother yourself, outliving your child would be one of the hardest things to go through. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Start including her a bit more and hopefully your relationship will mend with time. It will probably mean a lot to your dad too. I know my DH hates the idea of his daughter and the woman he married not getting on. 
 

I agree with all the advice you've been given. Just be civil and respectful to your SM...She is your Dad's life partner.

You say you have a baby. Presumably you have a partner too? Unless you are a single mum?  You, your baby and your partner are your central family unit now and you need to focus on nurturing that unit. 

Of course you love and are close to your Dad and no one is saying there's anything wrong with that. But don't exclude your SM, who, after all has been a female figure in your life from when you were very young. 

I think daddy/daughter dinner dates are a bit OTT to be honest. Why don't you do things like call in on the occasional Saturday, with the baby, and some nice food to share, and hang out with Dad and SM for an hour or two? 

You might find that after some general pleasantries and small talk, your SM will go off and do her own thing, and you can hang with Dad for a bit. 

Be polite, be civil. You don't have to like your SM but you MUST be respectful. Remember, your Dad loves her and their partnership is the priority here.

relationship with your father as separate as possible from his marriage to your immature SM.

I also think that  you way over stepped about not being called by your SM. She called your sister who called you.  SM took due diligence in reaching out to your father's children and IMHO it is not unreasonable to expect your sister to give you call.  With the estranged relationship you have with your SM over the past couple of years, if I were your SM, I would have called your sister rather than you.  SM's husband was having emergency surgery. Why increase her own stress by calling you when she and your sister apparently have a less strained relationship.

Her comment about the death of her son and not finding out until the next day, was a ridiculous attempt to make something irrelevant to your father's health crisis an escuse for not calling you. Had I been her, I would have told you to grow up and stop being a victim when you confronted me in the hospital waiting room.

And... I am sure your father would be very happy if you finished your degree.

Grow up. Both of you. You and SM.

IMHO of course.

Read up on Mini-wife syndrom.

The father daughter "dates" are not appropriate. I understand that you were both being emotional and said things in the heat of turmoil, but forgiveness and compassion from BOTH of you will help in healing.

I think her being excluded when you "date" your father on the regular - well shouldnt you be dating a man that is your partner in life??? Anyone would feel excluded in that situation.

It sounds like she is still grieving for her son. Maybe try having more compassion rather than trying to find things to be angry at her for...just a suggestion.

You are married with a child. You should not be "dating" your father. He should not be the first person you ask for advice. You have your own husband. Transition the relationship you have with your dad to a more mature one.

You don't even have to like your SM. But you do have to be polite. Arguing with her while her husband was in surgery requires an adult apology.

Your SM is still grieving. Everyone takes their own time and if on top of her son dying, she is also dealing with a husband with health issues she may have not had time to properly grieve.

The fact she came into your life and helped raise you since you were 2 years old when she did not have to do that should give her some sort of credit. 

Your dad said til death do we part to this woman and has built his life around her, not you. To treat your father's wife the way you did is not only disrespectful to her but disrespectful to him. Their relationship takes priority over your relationship with him.

I am sorry that your SM is having to go through losing her son in a tragedy, dealing with her husband's health issues, and dealing with an ungrateful and disrespectful SD. It must be impossible for her to grieve. 

I take my daughters on dates too and I even took my SDs on dates when they were under the age of 18. However, they never took priority over my wife and I's weekly date night. That is because my marriage is more important than anything else in my home. 

To all the posters suggesting the SD include the SM in her outtings with DH, it's possible the SM doesn't want a relationship with SD, and prefers DH to see SD outside the home. And right or wrong, the SM may never get over her grudge, and she can decide for herself if she ever wants a relationship. That does happen sometimes.

This SD does have entitlement issues, for sure. The SM not contacting her was reasonable.

OP, apologize and give space, she may forgive you, she may not. It's up to her.

But my SM entered the picture when I was an adult, but I can't imagine not having a relationship with someone who helped raise me from the age of 2 and being respectful and grateful for her contributions and sacrifices.

I think it would help your relationship if you apologized to her for your reaction...express some sympathy for the loss of her son, too! That's major! Maybe offer her a day out if she's caring for her DH at home while he recovers, that way she knows he's still being taken care of...and express some empathy for everything she's gone through. Its a lot!

Stop with with daddy/daughter dates....you're not a little kid anymore and the only person your dad should be going on dates with now is his wife.  It's creepy after a certain point.  

I really hope you and SM can rebuild a relationship,  for both your sakes. Give each other some grace and kindness. I think you both were in the wrong, but if you're both willing, you can work it out.