Sleeping Issues
Hello everyone, I am brand new to this site and new to blogging in general lol. But I'm hoping for some help and suggestions because I am struggling with how to cope with my step son waking us up every single night, multiple times per night, for no apparent reason. He is 7 and has never been a good sleeper, however I didn't realize how bad his sleep issues were until we moved in together about 7 months ago. At the beginning she never would lock our bedroom door and did not want it locked so he would just barge right in and whine and yell loudly until she put him back to sleep. For obvious privacy reasons we finally began locking the door. It didn't help- Now every night 2 to 3 times per night he just comes to our door and absolutely pounds on it on it and whines in this high pitched whiny shriek until my wife or I get up and put him back in his bed. We've tried asking him to just go back to bed but he just yells more. Every night this happens.
My wife is able to immediately go back to sleep everynight after one of us puts him back to bed, I simply cannot. I have major sleep issues, and I actually have to take medication to fall asleep but historically, once I do I generally don't wake up unless there's an emergency- his loud yelling, pounding on the door, and high-pitched whine though evokes that sort of primordial, emergency awakeness in me though for some reason and I would estimate that I am getting less than 10-12 hours of sleep per week now. I think part of the issue is that I know as soon as I finally do fall back asleep, he'll be back pounding on the door.
Yesterday we had a positive conversation with him and explained that as a big boy, we want him to try to start putting himself back to sleep and got both his but in and agreement that we are not going to come tuck him back in any longer and asked that he only come to the door if there's an emergency. .. so last night he started screaming at the door as per the norm and when we tried to hold our position he started whining that he had a nosebleed. As per the norm my wife and I immediately got up and lo and behold...There was no nose bleed. I am at a point where I don't know what to do. I am considering getting a hotel room several nights a week just so that I can actually sleep. More than anything though I want to help him and get to the underlying problem that is causing him to do this. If anyone has any similar experiences that they have successfully dealt with, I would be so grateful for any suggestions.
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Welcome to Steptalk!
Sounds like either an attachment disorder, or a parenting issue (such as enmeshment...co-sleeping )
Either way, some sleep needs to happen for you. Have you tried melatonin? Sleep aids?
Does your SS enjoy watching tv
or any electronic time with a tablet, games, phone, etc.? If I were you, I would tell your SS each night he wakes you both up in the middle of the night and it is not an emergency he loses a day of tv, tablet, whatever electronic time he enjoys or even more than a day if you think that might motivate him.
Last summer, SD was told not to ask her tutor if she could play with the tutor's daughter because she was there to be tutored not to play. SD did not listen and still asked because she wanted to play with the daughter. We then told her if she asked the tutor again, she would lose a week of tablet time, tv, etc. Well SD asked again so guess what? She lost all electronic time for a week and she never asked the tutor again.
How is he in the morning? If
How is he in the morning? If he has troubling getting ready for school you make a new rule that for every time he is late , his bedtime gets pushed back 25 minutes. When he gets up in the middle of the night he loses his electronics for the day, or whatever his "currency" is. Currency is that thing ( usually a game system) that will motivate him to tow the line. You use that to change the behavior.
Have you tried NyQuil? Jk, but melatonin might be useful, ask the doctor.
He's getting rewarded for his
He's getting rewarded for his behavior. He's figured out if he literally yells loud enough either you or his mom will give him attention (put him back to bed). Make it an unpleasant experience for him and he'll learn soon enough not to wake y'all up in the middle of the night. And I mean make it unpleasant then and there, not the next day. I'd be threatening him with his very life for pulling that stunt night after night, and make sure he understood it wasn't an idle threat.
https://www.verywellfamily
https://www.verywellfamily.com/how-to-get-your-child-to-stop-sleeping-in...
There's good ideas out there and it's up to your wife to implement them. Most follow the advice in this link.
Have you tried Melatonin for
Have you tried Melatonin for him?
More than anything though I
Behavior is communication. He is acting no different then the 2 year old who wants candy in the store. Why? because it works. He is getting what he wants - attention. Until or unless you can put a end to that, it will not stop.
At this point.. the
At this point.. the consequences for this happening have to ourstrip the benefits that are being experienced.
Right now, his mom just deals with it because "she falls right back asleep.. " she doesn't end up sleep deprived.
He gets his mom's attention each and every time by being annoying AF.. so she has trained him to be annoying AF.
So.. the solution?
A bit of pressure applied to mom. Until this issue is resolved? she doesn't get to sleep in the bedroom. She sleeps on the couch.. the floor in the hall in a sleeping bag.. but what she doesn't get to do is continue to allow your sleep to be interrupted. Perhaps when SHE is inconvenienced and in discomfort.. she actually might put more effort into making her kid stay in his room.
And her kid needs to get some consequences for continuing to act like a toddler when he is 7 years old. (unless he has some developmental delay that makes this behavior impossible to control.. which in that case? you may be SOL if it is uncontrollable in a medical sense)
So.. what is the kid's currency? what punishments resonate with him? Would cutting off TV work? Would enforcing an earlier bedtime be a deterrent? Would cutting off access to internet? or not allowing him to play with friends.. or go to a sports practice he enjoys? would having him write an essay explaining how he knows it's wrong to wake people up when it is not an emergency be worthwhile?
Maybe an immediate consequence for him.. she does not put him back to bed.. she makes him sit in the corner for 20 minutes to think about his actions...? while she sits there in stony silence so he understands his mom is disappointed in him?
There could also be some reward aspect as well.. if he stays in room for X number days.. he gets a treat he has been wanting.. maybe culminating with some "big" ask if it stretches to some long amount of time without a relapse?
I can't believe I'm saying
I can't believe I'm saying this because it is so like another regular poster I don't agree with 98.9% of the time.
Give this kid a spanking, walk him back to his room, and tell him things will only get worse if he continues to bang on the adults' door after lights out. Once or twice of that, he'll get the message, and he'll keep his butt in his room.
For the record, I'm not one to typically advocate corporal punishment. This is one time, though, that kid knows exactly what he's doing, and taking away electronics isn't the answer.
I actually remember being a
I actually remember being a kid and pulling that crap. I was an anxious/OCD kid and would get these little fears or bad patterns or whatever and then eventually grow out of them. I also remember compulsively handwashing in the first grade after the teacher showed us a video about germs.
All this to say maybe the kid is actually scared or upset. Maybe he saw a scary movie or tv show. But - you can't put up with this. Catering to the behavior may be actually reinforcing to him in his little mind that there IS something to be afraid of. You have to tell him firmly that he is ok, he is safe, and there is nothing to fear in his room at night. Then do like has been stated before. Explain that his behavior is having a bad effect on him and everyone else and he has to stop. Explain that each night he does it, he gets no electronics the next day. No phone, computer, or TV. When he does it again, tell him firmly to go back to bed, then follow through the next day. The first time he doesn't do it, praise him the next day for being so brave and such a big boy and let him have his fun back.