confusing behaviour
Hey all,
I haven't posted here for a while. I have been doing my best to manage things and not talk about it, otherwise it can become abit too much. I also notice that unless you have been in a step-family situation it is so difficult for people to relate. I am guessing that this is a common understanding on here, which is why these types of forums are so popular I guess!
We have recently got things back together with adult stepchild. She wants us (all of us) to be closer. I have 'modelled' behaviours such as asking her questions about her week/life etc. But she never responds in the same way. It might be statements like - I hope you are having a good week. It sort of feels like she is doing the 'right' thing but is not really sharing her life. Yes, it is likely about building trust between everyone, but this has been going on for a number of years. I am curious about your experiences of this? Have you had similar situations and if so, what did you do about it?
Thank you 
My 3 SKs
My 3 SKs are all polite but aren't really interested in knowing me on a deeper level. I've accepted that. DH has the fantasy that we are all close, that's fine. But I know the truth and it's ok.
We get surface politeness,
We get surface politeness, superficial answers. Even the grandkids are trained not to tell too much. It's really hard to have a conversation when so much is off limits.
Thank you for your thoughts.
Thank you for your thoughts. I think what is so confusing is that she wants to be part of family activities and suggests that she wants to be closer, but continues to keep us at arms length. She will ask my bio child about things - but provides statements to us. Do you find the the adult stepkids keep the distance with but not their siblings (half, step, full)?
Total disengagemt
And I've been in their lives for 15 years. I've only seen DH's oldest daughter 5 times!! Lol. Yet he chases her on the phone. They are telephone daughters meaning he only sees them a few times a year at most but one is enmeshed via the phone. Our children have absolutely no contact at all. I tried so hard. TOO hard and have now walked away from it. Husband knows and accepts he is one who interacts with them and buys or doesn't buy gifts.
life is too short to keep trying to get approval from a stone. Lol.
We, SS, DW, and me, have always been close. However,.....
as an adult he is not highly communicative. I would classify him as an extreme introvert. Mostly a shut in beyond his work and occassional travel. When he has a change of duty station it can be a very long time before he starts to get out and about and that usually happens only when people in his unit start dragging him out, forcing him to social gatherings, etc... THere must be a note in his file. His unit commanders usually assign him to lead a number of community events , high level inspection and unit performance assessments by the USAF or other oversight level actions, or unit cohesion and improvement initiatives. He is very good at it. He just would far prefer to be left alone to hang alone or with his cat and online friends.
He is not the greatest communicator on the planet. He basically will answer about 1 out of 10phone calls, rarely calls back, until he feels guilty about not replying to people.
Though he does come by it naturally regarding genetics, on both ends of his gene pool. His SpermClan has never made an effort to communicate with him. He gives them zero consideration and as close to zero contact as you can get and it not being absolute zero.
His mom is not a big stay in touch person either. Except with me if we are not co-located. She will call me regularly if we are apart. I do the same. I am the one who usually has to tell her to call her mom, sibs, friends, etc..
Believe actions, not words.
Believe actions, not words. You can't get "closer" with just surface politeness. And it's up to her Dad, the parent, to be asking any questions about the disconnect between what she says and what she does. If he's not going worry about it, no need for you to either.
Yep, actions trump words.
My parents used "don't tell me, show me".
My GM used "If you can't listen and learn, you will have to feel."
Hi there everyone,
Hi there everyone,
Thank you for your thoughts. I really appreciate it. The confusing thing is what she says and does are two different things. It kind of feels punishing - I want to be close, but then not demonstate it through actions. I agree Merry, actions and words are two totally different things. I am very much now following her lead and not being drawn into any discussions abut behaviours etc. I think she really has to choose to want to do it differently if she wants it to be different. No amount of my asking about her seems to change any desire to ask anything about us or be closer. Like I mentioned above - it almost feels like its a way to keep reminding us that she is hurt and angry, while being 'pleasant' and 'polite'.
When she says she wants to be
When she says she wants to be closer.. do you think she maybe just meant part of the family.. as in included in family stuff? I mean.. as a child.. I did not necessarily and still do not share every facet of my life with my parents/brother. and it's not necessary to do that in order to be part of the family.
I looked back and saw that you had been advocating for some therapy a few years ago.. did that happen? did it just go by the wayside?
It's not unusual for people in a closer peer group to be more open with each other.. so the kids sharing things.. but the parents getting a more superficial view.. especially if there have been instances with the parents passing judgement on the child. I know in my case, I am not sharing too much because my dad is very judgemental at times.. I find it's better to keep our relationship much more superficial.. in some ways.
And.. it may be that she is more interested in being closer with her father.. bio parent.. vs you a step parent.. that is "dad's wife".. and not someone she needs to see as a parental figure.. so if she is polite and nondemanding or causing conflict.. I would simply sit back and let her father and sibling do the lion's share.. and just be pleasant and ask polite surface questions.. and stop looking for a deeper connection.
The dynamics are just so
The dynamics are just so interesting. Initially, for many years I was the main caregiver. Dad was at work and busy so I tended to all teh day-to-day things. While we share the same sense of humour and had some laughs, I always felt this ambivalence and competitiveness from her in so many ways. She is very avoidant so therapy was pointless. I think a signifcant concern about being vulnerable was a big factor. Until she felt she could trust then she was not going to open up, yet she had her own challenges. There is also another challenge around closeness which I might do another thread for. It might explain a little more.
Yes, happy to step back and let her decide how she wants to move forward. It is alot easier to manage.
Thanks for thoughts. Much appreciated.
Exactly. Stop looking for deeper connection.
I wish I had done this years ago. Honestly with lots of people in my life. I tried to hard instead of just going with the flow and following other's leads. Mirror their behavior. It's very freeing actually.
Totally agree with you - so
Totally agree with you - so freeing and it is something I am learning more about re this dynamic.
Thanks for thoughts.
For me, it is about effort.
Inclusion in the family, requires effort. No effort, no inclusion.
I am the family communicator. I am the same with my friends.
Though even I will hit the wall upon occassion and drop off of the communicaiton map due to a lack of reciprocation.
Interestingly, when I stop reaching out, it is not too long, a few weeks to a month or two, before my phone starts ringing.
Whining about wanting a closer connection then not actively engaging to build that connection speaks volumes.
Yes, letting things go and
Yes, letting things go and obeserving is something I am trying to do! Some days are easier than others.. but helpful to observe!
Thanks for thoughts.
Skids
Yeah, saying you want something and then doing the work are two different things. Plus what are the agendas behind it IE Christmas presents, money, etc.
SDnow24 Feral Forger told me that she "wanted a relationship" with me and "to be closer to my dad", but things blew apart once she was told "if you want to live with us again you have to make things work with Clove".
A few weeks ago SD16 PowerSulk cried to me for over an hour because she "wanted to be closer to dad", yet she will stay in her room the entire time. Her mother got an apartment closer to her school and friends than we are, so I envision that when she turns 17 she will gradually not want to come stay with us, and thats what she was actually crying about...
So - yep. The push me pull you closer gig.