Line has to be drawn, at some point

Hello,

I am new here. I probably won't use all the abbreviations, the rest of you use. I already feel like I have support, which is something I can't seem to get from girlfriend.

I am 46, Black, divorced, no kids. She is 40, White, divorced, with 2 kids,(15 SD and 13SS) and just 1 baby daddy. We have been together for 5 years. Prior to me, she was in a terrible relationship for 7 years. That included cheating and abuse. Before meeting her, I was lonely, and looking for a relationship.
We moved in together WAY TOO SOON. I say this because it didn't give us time to see how we would potentially co-parent. To wrap this summary, she guilty parents, because she feels like she didn't put her kids first, and they had to witness all that abuse.

Like most, I tried to lay down the law. Discussions were had about discipline, school, respect. Everyone told me to bring it down. Don't be so 'rough' or 'expect too much'. And everybody was right, so I toned it down.

Yep! You guessed it!! Here we are 5 years later, and there is no discipline in the home, and the kids know exactly how to play there mother.

Let me get to the nuts and bolts. About 2 months ago, I found a 'pen' in my room on the floor. Not a writing pen...Long story short, nobody knew where it came from, and I wasn't going for that. The entire weekend the SS lied to me, his mom, his grand mother. My cousin told me my girlfriend was suspect here as well, since no one knows anything. Skip to Sunday. I prayed about it. Something told me to search his room. I did, and I found another 'pen' in his school bag. Long story short, he single handily almost ruined our relationship, because I wasn't going to let it go. Needless to say, after all the yelling and crying, he was caught in his lie. Guess what? Nothing happened to him. His Mom even went so far to say, I don't even know how to punish him. He was just grounded.

To me, that displayed a lot.
She just showed her son he can lie and his mom will get his back, and cover for him. I told her that was unacceptable. But I try to forgive because I'm not perfect.

Fast forward to last week. He failed a Science test. These teachers nowadays, let them re-take the test. He failed the second one. Yes... you know... nothing happened. Keep in mind, since the new semester, he was asked everyday if he has homework. He is answer was, no, and off to the couch and tv or outside.
Went to parent teacher conferences... He had an F in science, with 11 missing assignments. She even went to his locker. Needless to say, it was a mess.

You shoulda saw the fire in her eyes. But it only took the 5min ride home for her to say, I gotta guilty parent. His grades are bad because of me, so how could I punish him???

There's so much more, but those last 2 situations, really hit hard. Let me put out this disclaimer: I missed assignments. I lied. I smoked. I drank. I know I was not a perfect kid. And I know kids will be kids. I get it.

The problem here is, I've given 110% to this family. My girlfriend and her kids don't want for anything. We have PS5 in the home, Occulus, TV's in rooms, etc Keep in mind, they had NONE of this, prior.
Why do they get all the privileges of having me as moms boyfriend/step parent.... go on famiky vacay's, not want for anything, but I can't have an opinion. They get to have Xmas and birthdays, and have no problem handing me there wish list, but when it comes to anything else, I'm muted or my authority is challenged.

I get gaslighted like it's my fault. I'm crazy. Or I have anger management issues.
The house is in my name. I'm 46, and God willing, I have a lot of life left.

I think it's time to go. Especially if she refuses to hold her kids accountable or responsible. When the cops call, I'll be looked to to handle it. When stuff goes down in school, I get called. I gotta do my part but no one else does. I believe after 5 years, I can demand respect and discipline in my home. She doesn't get it.

Can someone help me? If you need more details, or for me to explain, more, let me know.

My spirit and my heart are telling me to end this. The reason I feel this way, is because momma bear will always perfect her cubs, and she's only created a home that now will harbor hate and resentment. We will all end up hating one another, if she can't get things under control. And I know it's not the kids fault. But why waste anymore of my life away.

When they start packing boxes, mid-semester, maybe someone's eyes will open.

I feel like I get no respect in my home, and I feel like my authority has been taken. Soon, her son might buck up. What then? A line has to be drawn.

Sincerely,

1life2live238's blog
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Your spirit and heart are

Your spirit and heart are giving you the answer. Life is too short to be miserable. Draw your own line and move on.

"His grades are bad because

"His grades are bad because of me"

Yes, she hit the nail on the head. The other bahavioural problems are all because of her too because she refuses to be a parent and wants to be her kids' best friend. You've tried hard and got no credit for your efforts. If you paid for all the extras (TVs etc.), I don't understand why you can't take them away?

I'm presuming the "pen" was for vaping? Doen't his mother know what vaping can do to a kid of his age? I suggest she read this: https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/e-cigarettes.html She is putting her son's health at risk by being a non-parent.

Honestly, I can't see any of this changing (and nor can you, right?). I'd call it a day. Life is too short for this kind of stuff.

Agree with everyone

Its like taxation without representation. You are being asked to fund the household but have zero say or authority. That will make you miserable.

If you want to make this work, try some counselling with your partner but only if you think she's willing to change.

Whether you decide to go or stay, please disengage. If you do some reading around on the site you'll find lots of good advice on what disengagement looks like. And I'm sure some other posters will offer some tips.

Thank you

I will read up on disengagement.

The house is in your name.

The house is in your name. That right there tells me she needs you more than you need her. As your partner in life she should make your life better, not more stressful. She is not making you a priority or being responsible for her kids. Just what is she doing? Taking advantage of you to keep her life stress free. Using guilt to skip out on parenting.

I say it's time for an ultimatum, you start parenting your kids ( and any other things you need her to do) or it's time to break up and move on. She'll whine and cry and play victim ( because she needs you more ) but it's long over due for her to adult. You could give her a 6 Month goal of making lasting changes but it sounds like she has a glass backbone that won't withstand the changes needed.

Only you can decide where you want to be 1 year from now. Free from this drama or full of regret and dread for not ending it now. Step life is tough and even tougher with a guilty parenting style in play.

If he's like this at 13,

If he's like this at 13, imagine how he'll be at 18, at 20, etc.

Does Mom work? Is she able to access your finances? Do the children get any discipline/attention/time w/ their Dad? My advice will have a lot to do w/ the answers to those questions.

Thank you

Mom does work. Dad is no help. There is no discipline over there either. He has a step daughter from his new marriage. She can't even finish an 8hr school day, without one of them coming to get her!!

My concern is, maybe I can power through this? Kids will be out the house soon!!! Yea right. You parent until the good Lord calls you home.

Sementer ends in May. That's roughly 60 days. Why not as adults, we give ourselves 60 days. If nothing, we go our separate ways.. WITHOUT all the yelling and tit for tat. Sounds reasonable to me. Just like doing homework and being respectful is reasonable.

Thank you for your time and understanding.

Don't fool yourself. Kids

Don't fool yourself. Kids raised like this seldom launch in a timely or successful manner. They lack the ambition, life skills, self-reliance, and self discipline that quality parents teach their kids.

Nope, your SO is setting things up so her kids will be dependent on her for life. Please end things and save yourself.

2 of my SSs never completed

2 of my SSs never completed school and one has a criminal background. At 21yo,he lives with us....His mother stopped fighting and bribing him for custody when child support ended

This will be lifelong indeed. The chains are heavy if you dont break them

Being a victim of guilty

Being a victim of guilty parenting is the worst- ask me how I know. My DH is much better than your GF, he yells about grades (never any consequences) but my last blog was basically about how he won't punish SS16. Watching your partner allow a child to get away with everything is not an attractive quality. Your GF is not going to change, she has made that loud and clear. When these kids are older, this will get worse. I honestly thought it would get better as they age, but I'm more stressed now than ever.

The good news is you have clarity, and your spirit and heart know what's up. I'm sorry it's come to this- you put all of your effort in but your opinion is pushed aside, and it really is a wonder how they think they are doing these kids any good by parenting through guilt. There are articles about it online, maybe have her read them...not that it will do any good, but maybe after they move out she will see the light.

Hello

You responded to a post of mine, back in March. I'm re-reading, and I wanted to ask, are you still in that relationship, with all grown kids?

Did your relationship get better when step kids left the house?
Thank you,

We don't get notified about

We don't get notified about replies to comments, but you can send a private message.

I think you should make a

I think you should make a list of the things you can't live with. Specific behaviors. Then make a list of the things you expect for the future (like for the kids when they get older, for example they must be in school full-time and progressing in order to continue to receive housing and/or support.) Then go to a therapist with your SO and address them. If things don't then change to the point where you can deal with it - leave (or kick them out.) That is if you want to save the relationship. If not, just end it now.

That step life

That why people say they will never married a person with kids again. Your parenting plan is not even considered. They parent by guilt. The feel they kids missed out because they got divorced, and are guilty. So kiddy get away with everything. Or the line will neve be. There is no line. Not now or never will be

Once they get older they will pick a fight with you and not talk to you. And you will have to deal with old age by yourself.

Yep you are right

NEVER AGAIN! I would never ever ever choose a person again who has kids. I would rather be alone. I have watched both of my parents struggle to deal with it and now I am dealing with it. It is just too much for some people, myself included.

If you are done and checked

If you are done and checked out- it's over, so just disregard everything that I am going to say!

First I have to ask, where are the kids dad in all of this? Was he abusive to them or just to your SO?

Next, what have you actually told her? Have you said, "I have X.Y.Z as expectations. Consequences and accountability are important to me. I believe that A,B,C are appropriate punishments for the kids when they don't do homework, fail a test, are disrespectful. I believe that when things escalate to things like vaping, lying and stealing- we need to take real and immediate action. I believe that ___ would be appropriate. " -- Our partners aren't mind readers. If you haven't sat down, looked at each other in the face and calmly spoken about parenting- I don't think like you are giving her a fair shot. Maybe she doesn't feel supported. Maybe she has trauma and thinks she has to protect the kids from you like she did her ex. Maybe she is just lost.

I'm not saying anything will be fixed- some parents don't take advice from anyone (hence a primary reason why this site exists!), but some, with support and love- do make better changes in their parenting and in turn create better marriages.

well she needs to be put on notice as do the kids

You have boundaries and expectations. You expect your home to be your safe haven and a drug free zone. You expect them to do their assignments and to become productive adults in society and to get there one has to pass school.

IF she can't parent her children then they have to leave and the relationship is over. She needs parenting classes and counseling and if she thinks things are going to remain status quo then she has another thing coming.

Thank you ALL for the responses.

I had 10 responses at the time of this writing. It's 10:40am Tues the 21st.

The way I was raised, I should be sending each one of you, a personal thank you. You didn't have to respond. You didn't have to take the time out of your day.

About the bio dad. He gets them every 2. He pays $300 a month for child support. Yes $300 for both.

We put him in band, because he wasn't being productive. They(their) family went to an Eagles concert. He came home talking about nothing but drums. So we decided to put him in lessons. You guesssed it. Another $100 a month I pay, for the betterment of my son. Fine arts help with confidence, self esteem, and puts you with like minded kids.

Do you know his dad told me on 'his weekends' his son will miss drum lessons. My SO thought that might be fair. I went TF off!!

He picks them up at 6. Lessons are at 4. Needless to say, he hasn't missed a lesson.

Let me finish with this. At the beginning she told me... I need you to be dependable. Don't put a hand on me or my kids, and be patient with us.

Ummmm.... yea.... about that.... It's been 5 years, and you guys are STILL HERE.

So I must not be that crazy. My dictatorship must not be that bad. But I can't get respect? We can't teach the importance of telling the truth, and getting good grades, and all that is free and fundamental across most homes?

Sorry to get off track.

Oh and this said 13 year old has already sent nudes, to an adult, mind you. We all know what that is called, and he could have got that adult female in a lot of trouble! Like having to register as a sex offender.
Guess what? His dad wanted to give him his phone back because he pays the bill. I told him his son will be showing up with his phone, and it's not allowed back in my home, until it's earned. Lastly, I asked that parental controls be put on the phone. She thought I was being over bearing lol

Im up to the challenge. I can dig deep. I'm not a quitter. But we all know what happens to a home with no foundation...

Again, thank you ALL.

I agree

and concur with all the comments and advice given. Id like to add that you can disengage while you are getting your thoughts and actions lined up. Basically since you are not being supported as a co-parent, and not being respected, you can tell your SO that since you have no authority but all responsibility, you are not engaging with SS any longer.

Then take all the stuff you provide, only give the basics. Lay out the rules to everyone and the repercussions are that items will be taken away.

Then decide what you want to do going forward. It sounds like Bio father is not in the picture.

Given that your the homeowner and main provider, you have a lot of power in this situation. You can go or stay, you have options. You are still young, and if you want children, you should consider someone else to have them with.

You need to prioritise YOU, because it doesnt sound like your partner is prioritising you and your relationship.

Seriously?

I'm just going to tell you like I would a friend.

My dude, don't waste your life on this trash. Honestly, you are giving and doing A LOT for people that don't respect you. Why? You are worth more than all that and if they ALL can't or won't realize that.... bye.

I promise you will find someone that will appreciate you. Hell being single is better than being constantly disregarded, ignored and then expected to pay for everything.

Talk to her - set clear boundaries and expectations. If she can't or won't agree to them, end the relationship. You won't be able to find a good relationship if you are hanging on to a bad one.

It is easy for us

To give advice from the outside. This is a tough read as you really have given so much & you deserve so much more. Kids are extremely hard but the best thing by far that ever happened to these kids (and their mom) is posting here in this forum, hanging on by a thread. I think your partner needs some counseling to address her own issues as she is not able to parent appropriately because of them. Guilty parenting is damaging to everyone and is a product of not addressing past trauma. I hope you are able to make some forward progress & that your partner is willing to listen and commit to take the steps necessary to work on a solid plan to move forward together. If she is not, please do a full stop now and figure out how to unravel this situation and take care of yourself. Your values, respect level and other qualities I see in your reponses above are amazing & someone else deserves to cherish them. Please take care & no response needed here

You did too much. Time to

You did too much. Time to focus on you and bring the center back to your relationship not the kids. If you feel neglected and used, its normal to want to move on

Things will never change and the children will never respect you.

One thing I have to say is that men seem to have it easier than women when it comes to stepparenting. As a SM i am not even allowed to voice my opinion on anything regarding what the children do when in my house, so I could never imagine having any input or say in their medical or school or behavioral issues....Stepdads on the other hand, they get much more authority and praise

Confiscate all the toys and

Confiscate all the toys and electronics, lock them up where GF and skids can't get to them. Put parental controls on the wifi. Cancel netflix and hulu, or change the passwords.

Equity life partners earn that place every minute of every day

for life.

Upon occassion, though those are rare and short occassions, one carries the other.

You are carrying her all of the time. Carrying her, her failed family progeny, and it is costing you your zest for life.

Stop that.

Pull their plug, re-key the locks, and give yourself a new life adventure.

Take care of you.

I put them out!!

First, I just want to say thank you! Like from the depths of my heart. I had no idea how powerful, creating a profile on Steptalk would be. I truly believe, this was life saving. I've been to the ER, and I've lost 37lbs, due to the stress.

Its so funny. Now everything is my fault lol Kids have to change schools, find new friends, etc. Mind you, I purposefully waited until the school year was out, before I pulled the plug. And she STILL doesn't appreciate that!!

I want to take this opportunity to maybe help someone else.

If you are not happy, you need to have that hard, but truthful, adult sit down. Demand respect, and demand change. If he/she refuses or doesn't take you seriously, leave the relationship.

Someone responded to my blog, and told me 'the chains get heavy if you don't break them. Break the chains and set yourself free!!

I can't fit in any of my clothes, but I feel like ME again! Words CAN NOT explain how good that feels.