Visit or pick up?
My question today is, What constitutes a "Visit" and " Pickup"?
Am I being petty? Hhhhhh, its spring break here and Mini wife has nothing to do over the break. SD (17) went with her bf yeaterday. Clueless (17) is here the rest of the week bc of driving class Why they are open during the break is beyond me. I would think they would factor that kids really need to get a break and their families in general.
Miniwife has already been trouble for planning, she was at it again with the bf. She makes these plans and asks no one, then expects everyone to follow them. I really dont understand what the deal is but her Grandmother DH's mom is notorious for this. She once made a trip to go tubing and bought tickets for everyone here and we had plans that weekend. She came up with this crazy idea that her brother (whom Ive never met or DH has never me), sent her money and HE wanted to do this trip for us. Fast forward to a month ago when she was dropping off the SD's, it was her and DH's sister. They came into the house with the girls and stayed for over an hour. I knew they were coming to drop off but there was no mention of anything else. I was invisible of course as the girls showed off all the house and the work I have done. They were opening doors and commenting. DH's sis has been here before but I have made some changes, and their grandmother has also been here before. There was nothing so new they had not seen before. Anyway I found it all very rude. I was in my tank top and sleep shorts and in the middle of cleaning and vacuuming when they walked in.
Today DH's parents came to pick up Miniwife. Mini communicated that they would be here in 5 minutes, I said ok and postponed any activity I had planned for the moment. They stayed for an hour and a half. They brought lunch and ate here, Im sure they got another tour and they went down to the park they have seen at least twice. I am fine with them picking up, however, if it's more than a "hi/bye" to me its a visit. His mom and dad are sweet but I have shit to do. I dont like putting my plans on hold to entertain anyone. I would have been fine with, " Hey were going over, we want to have lunch and chat for a while then well head out with the demon that is Miniwife."
Anyway, maybe Im over reacting?
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If she is 17.. I would not
If she is 17.. I would not have suspended my plans.. let her get picked up.have lunch.. you really don't have to be there for it right?
right
Yes, the DH parents brought their own lunch, had the gils unload it in a box and they had a cooler. When DH's parents get here they ramble on about things and expect me to stand there and chat with their mundane conversations. You cant work and engage with theses people. I left as they came to pick up and postponed going home bc they were still there. I walk in and they are having their own little lunch date in the breakfast room. I say hi and walk though putting things away and they start in with their conversation. I have no idea who they are talking to but I left the room. Mini pulls out the coffee pot and plays her part of hosting and leaves the mess too. I know for a fact she woud not like for someone to go to her room to mess it up then leave.
Wow. They came & ate at your
Wow. They came & ate at your home without asking you or bringing you anything?!? How F'n rude!!! I'd be on DH about recinding any invites to these "people".
You do you
You dont have to postpone activity...just move along in your own groove.
But yes, your home is YOUR home, and they just live there. How rude.
Remeber, driving schools are a business.
They make their living by teaching kids to drive. Breaks for kids and families is not their revenue stream or their concern.
As for the invasive ILs and overstepping mini-wife.
"Sorry, I am cleaning so you will all have to depart so I can finish before my XX:YYAM/PM plans start.
You are welcome to visit but please check first to make sure I/we do not have other commitments before you come over."
Lather... rinse... repeat.
The only way to stop rude from invanding your home is to be direct and bare it's ass.
IMHO of course.
Direct and assertive is not rude. Invading someone's home is rude. Even resident children should have to call to ask if XYZ and LMNOP can come over. Decades before cell phones we had to that. If we didn't we were instructed to tell our unapproved guests that we had family plans and they would have to leave. Have the invading mini-wife spawn be the one to tell the other invaders to GTF out... errr.... sorry, now is not a good time for you to visit.
Know the difference and teach the rude the difference.
love it
I love that idea, thank you! I am definately gong to use it.
My dad would do this
Invite himself over with no notice and complain he never had breakfast and expected to be entertained and fed.
it was either weekend and I wanted to catch up on sleep and he was banging on my windows at 6am. Complaining he had been up since 4.30am like this is normalz. If a school day, whilst kids are at school, its my only time to clean house undisturbed except i now have to entertain him
i started ignoring him and vacuuming mopping floors and folding laundry etc.
my husband works o/seas and because of 2 hrs borde closures, we had been separated over 1 yr, my dad expected he be a priority to my husband and me. My dad couldn't understand that when you are forcibly separated from your spouse and young kids, you want to be together undisturbed.
my dad complained that my husband didn't entertain him and that he felt so unwelcome yet he was inviting himself over knowing full well my husband was working from home and still on call doing urgent work stuff
i've even had times where dad says he might come over and to be awake at 6am for his arrival on weekend, then says he isn't coming over then turns up without messaging you.
now i make up excuses like busy with uni
Good grief, how rude can you
Good grief, how rude can you get? You don't just swan into someone else's home as if it were your own. No, just no. Next time they arrive, meet them at the door, don't let them push past you and call your SD because her pick-up has arrived. Do not let them past the door. If they insist, tell them simply that now isn't a good time. If they still persist, keep on repeating it and, if necessary, remind them whose home it is.
It would help if your DH intervened pre-emptively and told his parents that you don't have time to sit around all day making small talk and that they should simply do what they were there to do, i.e. pickup his daughter, and leave. He might also tell them how downright ill-mannered and boorish it was to picnic in your home uninvited. It is also extremely disrespectful to expect a tour of your home, especially an unguided-by-the-lady-of-the-house tour - that is just pure nosiness. He needs to do this with all of his uncouth and bad-mannered family.
This is YOUR home, defend it!
PS
By not standing your ground and by allowing these intrusive visits to happen, you are effectively allowing your SDs to be the ladies of the house. You are treated as if you are of no consequence in your own home. You have to make it clear that you will not stand for this anymore. If your SDs want to bring guests or hang out with people in your home, they ask for permission first and if they don't get it, their guests don't pass the doorstep.
Above all, make sure your DH is on the same page as you.
PPS
I'd have gone nuclear if anyone went around opening doors in my home. How dare they pry into my private stuff!
This happened once by a distant cousin of my mums, eldest child
And they're Singaporean and culturally and religiously it completely goes against their culture and religion to invite yourself unannounced yet alone wander off into peoples homes. You cannot do that unless invited to do so or you ask permission to.
but some people lack basic manners
FWIW (culturally speaking), I
FWIW (culturally speaking), I'm a Scot and I've lived in France for many years and nobody but nobody that I know would ever dream of even asking permission to snoop (because that's what it is, after all).
:)
It's the host/hostess who asks if you'd like to visit, nobody else. OTOH, maybe I'm just scary LOL
The correct etiquette would
The correct etiquette would have been for the girls to ASK if it was ok for the visitors to come over and have lunch before pickup. I mean.. yeah.. it is the kid's home too.. and the visitors were family.. so it wasn't a huge breach.. but yes.. it would be good to ask if it was ok for them to come in and visit before they left.
What people are calling snooping.. I don't think that the parents were necessarily opening drawers and closets.. I think it sounds like the girls were giving them the tour of the house and doors to rooms were opened. Again.. it would be more proper if you had some heads up that this would happen.. because.. who knows.. busy week.. the house could have been a wreck and you might not want people seeing the piles of laundry on the guest room bed..lol
But.. I still reiterate that if the parents were there to "visit/pick up" the girls.. your obligation to make small talk with them is probably pretty small. Now, keep in mind.. they are probably doing that in some attempt to be nice to you.. so being overly rude would probably not serve well.. and in the end.. sometimes entertaining with positivity their attempts to be nice and include you is going to be better for your relationship with them long term. But.. you can nicely say.. "oh.. sorry would love to sit and visit.. but I am so behind on things.. this week has been crazy.. please excuse me while I get things done.. girls.. let me know when you are on your way". Then I would try my best to take care of the tasks that are not in proximity to the guests.