Adult kids
BF just told me tonight that he doesn't want to get married because his adult kids 24 and 27 can't make it in their own and he had to support them. I think I know what most of you will say, but we live together and I really love him. Now - I guess I have to move on after this bad investment, right? I know. I know. I just needed to vent. I am so ducking sad. His kids don't talk to him unless they need money. They don't care. I guess it doesn't matter. He doesn't want to marry me ever after 2 years (at 51 years old). Feel like I am just wasting my time. He should have stayed with his cheating wife and crappy kids.
- Tina72's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
FUCKING - iPHONE - it is
FUCKING - iPHONE - it is never DUCKING.
A few questions...
I am totally gobsmacked by this.
Either it's complete crap and just a pathetic excuse not to marry you or he did a shit-awful job of "raising" his kids. A father who thinks his kids cannot make it on their own? Why not? Are they disabled? Intellectually challenged? Just plain lazy? Does he like having them around? Don't they work at all? Do they have their own lives or do they stick to daddy like limpets?
Whatever ... Throw this one back. If he's in your home, tell him to pack. If you're in his home, pack your backs. Either way, he isn't worth the time of day and life is too short to throw it all away on someone who would treat you like this.
I wonder what he thinks will happen to them once he's gone? Maybe he imagines someone will adopt them?
He claims
That they are intellectually behind, but that doesn't account for them not being able to have ANY jobs. They just don't want to work even after having their college completely paid for. They are lazy and manipulative. They call asking for money all the time.
If they are intellectually
If they are intellectually behind, how were they able to attend and graduate (?) college? This makes zero sense.
He has raised a bunch of gigantic babies instead of adults.
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.
Did he tell you he doesn't
Did he tell you he doesn't want to be married when you started dating, as decent people would tell their date that early on? Or did he wait until you moved in and wasted years? Did you discuss marriage before?
it could also be an excuse. Sadly I had girlfriends whose boyfriends told them they'll never get married, yet they were married to someone else 6 months later. "Don't want to be married" often means "to you", not in general
Exactly -
He said he was open to it. Now, the story is that he didn't know his kids would never "take off". He says he can't take on the responsibility of marriage because he can't make any financial promises to me with his kids flailing about. I made decent money, but not as much as him. I am not with him for the money. It isn't a lot more than I make, but it seems like all his extra money is going to go to the kids.
Why would he necessarily have
Why would he necessarily have any financial resp to you? you would pay your own way.. and in fact.. if you moved in to his home.. would pay some of what he is already paying since you would be contributing financially where he was doing it alone.
This is just a big flaming red flag of "he just isn't all that into you". If he wanted it.. he would do it. He said he was "open" to it previously.. which means.. I had zero intent.. but needed to say something so you could stick around as long as you were "fun". Now you are getting more demanding.. less fun.. so he won't give you want you want..
He could tell you "I want to get married.. but understand.. my kids will need me to continue to help them.. and I intend to.. so if that bothers you.. we should not go forward".. he did NOT say that... he just said his kids are a reason for him to not get married.
It's just an excuse.. he doesn't want to marry you... because he just doesn't.. not his kids.. it's him. they are a convenient excuse.
To be blunt about it.
To be blunt about it.
If he wanted to marry you.. he would.
His kids' ongoing financial needs have almost nothing to do with whether he marries you or not. Marrying you does not necessarily mean you will quit your job and be a SAHW.. it doesn't mean that he can't give his kids money it doesn't mean that he has to replace them with you in his will.
He is saying that as an excuse.. when the reality is that he doesn't see a future with YOU.. in reality.. he is quite likely to marry the NEXT woman in line.. It's sad.. but cut your losses and move on.
If you want to get married,
If you want to get married, move on. ASAP. No reason to waste another minute on a guy who doesn't want the same thing - for whatever his reason is. The fact that his stated reason is his adult kids just makes him look pathetic and frankly, undesirable.
Trade a month of sadness, for
Trade a month of sadness, for a lifetime of relief and happiness. It will be worth it for you to get out now. Don't waste another week of your life with this guy. If this is his mindset now, it will never change. He will be his kid's personal ATM for the rest of his life, and as you try to create a future together with him, it will be a one sided effort. Run....
Agree 100% with Birchclimber
It's a blessing in disguise.
Thank you
I agree with a lot of what you all have said and just really needed to hear it from people experienced with step kids. I am glad that I have somewhere to turn. I really wanted to make this work. Dating out there is hell. My single friends can't find anyone who is with the time. Makes me sad. I guess I will be alone with my dogs! At least they aren't lying to me.
If you stick around here long
If you stick around here long enough, you'll read plenty of stories where this NEVER gets better. Even if they launch and become "independent" they are still enmeshed with their parents.
If you were his priority and he didn't want to lose you, he'd be doing more to make his kids independent.
I know it hurts, but it's going to hurt worse the more time you waste.
Have read a lot here
that has made me never want to date anyone with children again. It definitely is soemthing that I understand in an entirely different way now. I am really thankful to have been able to vent in this group a few times and learn from the situations that people are in.
Your BF is getting something
Your BF is getting something out of keeping his kids dependent on him. Some hero, savior thing. Normal parents want their kids to launch, teach them how to be responsible adults, and glory in their successes. By keeping his kids dependent on him and not insisting that they grow the eff up, he's damaging their possibilities for the future. Their only hope is to find a partner who takes care of them in the same way. It's gross.
And you will NEVER be as important as his "babies" because you won't need to be rescued. And his kids will always think that you are gobbling up resources/money that should be theirs just because they exist.
Find yourself a partner, a real partner.
True
I don't really understand why he can't tell them "no." He just says he wants them to grow up and move beyond relying on the parents, but he doesn't have the guts to say no to them. He gets super dramatic and jumps to crazy conclusions that his kids are going to have it awful because they will have to live out of their cars and be homeless. It is crazy. I just thought it was a good thing that the mother said she wouldn't pay for a cell phone for their 24 year old daughter who refuses to work despite the ability to do so.
Hun
This is actually a gift. The best gift ever.
Dont waste anymore time with daddio of the year.
Obviously he thinks his kids are first and formost. You dont need to spend your life being second best. Who cares what his actual reasons are, he told you so believe him, and move on.
Yes you feel sad but if you read on this site you will feel like you won the lottery. we live one life make it the best it can be.
Blessings to a better life
Thank you
I definitely am not going to try and second guess why he is doing what he is doing. When people tell you who they are, we have to listen! I chased after a guy many many years ago. Never again.
Regardless of where we are on life's continuum, we have to
value ourselves and defend our worth.
I am sorry you are having to live this.
I would pull all of your financial support for him and the household you share. Point out that as the man in this relationship it is his responsibility to provide. Make him do it.
As he fails at this, plan and make your exit.
Make sure to point out that coddling his adult spawn is consting him his own future.
Enjoy your new life adventure. 51 is in the prime life enjoyment years. Enjoy your life.
59 here. 2nd marriage, and blessedly making a life with Wife #2 after partnering to successfully raise my SS-30.
You have to value yourself. Make that your commitment. The right one will show up when you least expect it.
Take care of you.