It's my humble opinion that your therapist hasn't a scooby about step life. I'm glad to see that you won't be going back to her because she really isn't listening to what you're saying. I'm willing to bet that she has little experience with teens whether step or not because talking calmy to an out-of-control teen, even a bio, is not going to do much.

FWIW, the point of disengaging isn't to become a victim, it's about putting responsibilities back where they belong, on their bio-parents' shoulders.

Start looking for a new therapist, and try them out before making a final selection.

In this case, I see disengaging as an option. I did this with my SD after many years of total disrespect. She was an adult by then, so it is different than having teens with you. SD's reaction to my disengagement was interesting. When she visited, I'd go off and read a book. I wouldn't be in the same room with her. I didn't make meals or fun appetizers. No hospitality from me. She and DH were on their own. She actually looked surprised a few times. Then she got it. Not that she visited her dad much. You therapist couldn't have had any experience with disrespectful Skids. I found in my own situation that I was on my own to deal with it. It is a miserable place to be stuck and if you have enough experience with them to know nothing will change, then disengaging is a way to save yourself.

I've learned in StepHell, a GOOD therapist is hard to find. Not many KNOW the dynamics of StepHell and they sure aren't taught in the college cirriculum. My advice I give to others....call said therapist's office and ask questions. Are they familiar with a high conflcit ex, PAS, HC SKs, etc. Your therapist clearly has zero experience or understanding with what she's told you.

I had my own experience with an enabling therapist. After DH paid off spousal support, she asked us to start paying the kids' school tuition since BM was loosing a big chunk of her "income." huh???? What about BM getting a job, Lady? Needless to say, we parted ways. This therapist had the audacity to call me and ask why I backed out of counseling. I told her she did not want to hear my answer but insisted so I let her have the truth. Nothing she could say but "I guess you have a point." 

Again, find another therapist. Just because they have a framed certificate on the wall does NOT make him/her a good therapist. 

As I read your post I was thinking "Get a new therapist - this one doesn't understand steplife and will cause more problems than she solves."  But I see you figured that out. 

Why do something you already tried that didn't work? Stay disengaged.  I hope your husband steps up and gets his brats under control. 

Disengagement doesn't make you the victim, it removes your responsibility from the situation and puts the onus of responsibility where it belongs - the parents. Get a new therapist. 

Your therapist was not the most insightful.. lol.

1.  Correction without connection breeds resentment.. this is absolutely true.. a parent can counsel and coach their kids.. but there is a 2 way bond.. love there.. not so with a step parent.. so when YOU do it? it is taken more harshly and out of context.. parents should parent.. a step?  that is not the best or easiest..role.. and certainly, as you have discovered.. it is absolutely thankless.

2,  Disengagement doesn't mean rude or uncivil behavior.. and removing the stress of parenting and worrying about outcomes as a step parent, can , in fact aid in building a relationship with the kids.. because you are no longer in a dictator role with them.. you back off and be less intrusive.. they may be more likely to relax about you. Not saying you want to build one.. just saying that some barriers can be reduced.

3.  Disengaged doesn't mean that you don't have rules or boundaries in your home.. but you set those thigns with your spouse and expect THEM to ensure they are respected.  

4. Disengagement doesn't even mean you don't do things for the kids.. that are REALLY a favor to your SO.  LIke if he needs you to give them a ride to school when his work schedule doesn't allow.. or watch them after school.. or even fix them a snack.. parental responsibilities that he other wise cannot do .. but they are favors to him.. and he is the one who will insist on consequences if the kids are not behaving. A caveat is that if the kids are not able to behave.. destructive.. you do not get put in the posittion of having to manage that.. so if it is THAT? then you won't be able to babysit.

Well as many said, get another therapist.

Disengaging from a SK is you taking control back. What that disengagement looks like is entirely up to you and depends on your situation.

As for Me, I disengaged emotionally. If they needed rides to school, to church, and to different activities and I was available I took them but emotionally I stopped giving myself to them. I was no longer offended when I didn't get a Happy Father's Day or other recognition. I emotionally checked out because I became tired of dealing with the pain. I also do have bio-kids which probably helped me move on quicker.

Though I am not one to go full disengagement.  I would go full enforcment of the houshold standards of behavior and performance with escalating consequences delivering a growing state of abject misery for the toxic spawn. Disengage beyond that. No cooking, no cleaning up after them other than to toss their mess in their room. Lock the bathroom doors and force them to get their daddy to unlock the door and manage them cleaning up after themselves.  No need to suffer, the goal... is to make them suffer enought to stop the unacceptable behaviors.

Who wants to put themselves in the shoes of an ill behaved toxic ill raised failed family procreative coupling?

Enforce the standards. No yelling, no screaming, just increased misery.  When they scream, start clearing out their room.  Take everything, the door, the beds, the furniture. Give them each an inflatable matress and a cheap sleeping bag.  They have to  inflate before bed and deflate in the AM. If they don't deflate it and put it away each AM. Puncture the matresses and leave them in their empty room.  Make them wash their sleeping bags each morning. No wash, take the bags and they can sleep on the floor without covers.

And... WEBCAMS!!! Everywhere but the bathrooms.  Record their screaming and crap and have evening toxic kid footage review with daddy every evening with the toxic spawn standing next to daddy for the footage and sound review of their shit. every evening.  Lock every door and cabinet forcing them to ask for access, food, etc...

Experience and treachery will beat youth and inexperience every time. If you filter out the emotion and focus on applying consequences for their behavioral choices.

Wow, so theyve got the whole pack against you - twins.

Where is your husband in all this? Start recording them, and get cameras as RAGS suggested. Call this bs OUT. Because this will get WORSE over time not better. My disengagement is a work in progress. I dont do any child transport unless absolutely no other options exist, I dont cook or clean for her and I dont organize outings and together time like I used to. Her father cleaned her room a week ago when it was super bad. I did nothing. I dont parent her, I dont concern myself with her health or grades or attendance. I dont buy special things I know she likes.

I STILL get sucked in, but SD16.5 Power Sulk is generally kind and respectful.

These kids sound like spawn of he!!