Need some advice please
While we are not married yet, I am still referred to as a step-mom. My SS is 13 and while his dad has always been great with him, his mom has unfortunately been on drugs and in and out of jail for theft for most of his life. He does not have much of a relationship with her but is also old enough now to fully understand how bad off she is. I am having an extremely difficult time connecting with him and try to always include him in activities I do with my own children. I have a 16 year old daughter, 14 year old son and an 11 year old daughter so I am familiar with teens. Recently my SS has started acting up like smoking weed, excessively lying, stealing from us and he's now failing all of his classes. He goes into our room and goes through all of his dad's stuff and last night he went though my purse. I told his dad before I left about him going through my purse and nothing seems to be missing from my purse. My children are not perfect by any means but they are pretty good children, don't get into trouble and get great grades so I am at a complete loss on how to handle all of this. To be completely honest his dad is at a loss on how to handle the situation also. He has taken his stuff away and completely grounded him from going anywhere. I really need some help, any advice would be appreciated.
Put locks on the MBR door.
Get web cams and put him under the 24/7 hairy eyeball so you can have footage review with daddy every evening with the deviant SS standing there beside daddy.
Don't just take his stuff way. Get rid of it or destroy it. The short term coddle the toxic spawn consequence model is a waste of time for kids like this.
Come down on him like a ton of shit in a 1Lb bag. He learns that failing to comply with reasonable standards of behavior and reasonable standards of performance return an escalating state of abject misery. Compliance returns a reasonable state of existnce.
Bring the pain. Escalate the consequences.
Lather.... rinse..... repeat. He gets hell or comfort based on his choices. He chooses to violate the standards, he chooses to experience the consequences.
Deliver on his choices. Make daddy deliver the consequences.
If Daddy fails to do that, do you really want that failed family progeny influencing your own kids on a daily basis?
You may well have to lock
You may well have to lock your things up.. and the cameras may not be a bad idea. It's frustrating since you have other teens that would also probably resent their things being rifled through as well.
When he went through your purse.. how did you know? did you catch him? if so.. did you ask him what he was doing in your purse? did you remind him that you need to be asked vs just going into your things?
Has your husband tried to get his son into therapy.. I imagine a mother with those problems would mean HE has a lot of problems.
Finally, I am going to give you some tough advice.
Your primary responsibility is to your three minor children at home. They should not be in a home where they are exposed to someone doing drugs.. someone who is liable to steal and honestly.. if he has behavioral issues.. he or his neer do well friends could harm your kids... and it's YOUR responsibility to put your children's safety and need for a secure home environment in front of your desire for a relationship. I would say that you and your SO should not live together.. you can continue to have a relationshp.. but you should provide your kids a home where this kid is not going to cause them problems.. disruptions or make them unsafe.
That's it.. your DH maybe needs to focus more on his kid vs a relationship anyway... and you need to wait until his kid is launched.. or your kids are out of the house before you cohabitate.