Need advice
So long story short, we’ve been dating for 8 months now. When i tell you, it was the most incredible 7 months of my life. He was the kindest, most caring, genuine human being. I connected with him like I’ve never connected to another human and he said the same. He was so gung ho about us moving in to a new house together, us getting married, having a family. He has two children and a moderately dramatic ex who isn’t trying to get back with him but has her own issues that cause some drama on occasion but she’s nice and a good mom. During the holidays, boyfriend started acting a little off- more distant, more indifferent to me. We had our little ups and downs with me getting integrated with the children but nothing crazy and we all get along really well. I sometimes don’t agree with everything he does with his kids but they’re his kids and I’ve been very hands off and they’re not rude or anything like that. Maybe a little messy and sometimes a little spoiled but always sweet to me. But I noticed him start to be off and he kept saying it’s just stress from the holidays- i went to be with his family for thanksgiving, his family came to be with mine for Christmas, but we got into our first big fight about how he isn’t ready to get a house yet. Mind you, i have not pushed for moving in, for buying a house, for getting married AT ALL. I’ve followed his lead and he was the one pushing it and bringing it up. So I told him we will figure everything out in time. After the fight, the distance didn’t really improve. He would be loving every now and then but then go back to being distant. And not that he was ever truly distant, but just mot nearly as loving and affectionate as before. Then last week we had a bit of a falling out over a cosleeping situation and my inability to sleep because of it and because of some scheduling things with BM. This triggered him into saying that he isn’t sure he wants to have more children. To me, this was earth shattering. I want children, i want to get married. I’m 33 years old and I’ve always wanted to be a mom and for the past 7 months he was all about it too. Now he is back and forth, saying he is overwhelmed with his life (LOTS of drama with BM, LOTS, him being scared for his children’s well being, work has been killing him, everything seemed to be coming down at once) but he does want a family with me but he’s just not sure and thinks it’ll be unfair for his kids and is afraid it’ll also fail and he’ll have to be in two places at once (with BM and his first kids and then with me and whatever kids we have). I told him this is a dealbreaker for me. I want children and not right now but I do and then he’d go back on saying that he does want a family with me and we want the same things he’s just overwhelmed right now. Then a few days went by and we were really connected and close again and then MORE drama happened with the BM and he again was like “I’m not sure about more kids. There’s such a timeline because you want kids in two years and I just don’t know” and I told him that i said I want kids at 35 abstractly. I just know I want kids. And he just goes back and forth and will sometimes say we want the same thing and he loves me more than anything and then he’ll say he’s too overwhelmed. I’m just at such a crossroads because I love him so much, so much and want to be there for him and support him in this stressful time of his life and he told me to just hang in there and everything will work out and we’ll figure it out but I am PETRIFIED of me investing time in this person when he doesn’t want the same thing as me. I’m 33 and I do feel a small amount of pressure to settle down if that makes sense. So investing a year or more into someone that isn’t going to want what I want is so scary for me. I just finally want to be settled you know? And I never put pressure on him and didn’t even think about this, assuming it was just something that would naturally happen, but him bringing it up has now made me fixate on this idea and drive myself COMPLETELY crazy. I don’t now if any of this makes sense or what I’m even looking for in posting this. Maybe I just need advice, or people that have gone through it all. Being in a relationship with a man with children and an ex wife is the hardest thing I think I’ve done emotionally, and I was gladly and enthusiastically in it, but if he doesn’t see a future with me or is wishy washy about that future, i just feel like if I was smart, I’d cut my losses but I love him more than I’ve ever loved any significant other so it’s an impossible situation
I'm going to put it out there
I'm going to put it out there bluntly that a pregnancy starting at age 35 is considered high risk "geriatric". Now, that isn't a reason to rush into having a child with the wrong partner.. but it should be a wakeup call that you don't have an endless amount of time to consider this.. and do a lot of trial and error.. you have a few years to find your seat in the procreational musical chairs game. and that's reality.
He has told you he has major reservations about having a child. He has told you he doesn't want the complexity.. he doesn't want his kids negatively impacted.. (oh.. and co-sleeping..uggghhh.. he should know better). He has told you what he wants.. but when he is afraid of losing you.. he throws out crumbs of possibilities to keep you stringing along.. until the next time life makes his real feelings and intentions rear their ugly heads.
7 months is a decent amount of time.. but it is still early.. if you think that he is perhaps just getting a case of cold feet.. but could work through this.. you could consider couple's counseling.. but you should not give up on your "non-negotiable".. and that is that you are going to want to start a family of your own.. and probably in the next couple of years. and if he kicks the can down the road.. and then reneges on the promise? there you are.. potentially behind the fertility eightball looking for another partner.
Given your age.. you are likely to meet more people with kids in the dating pool.. but if you find that unicorn.. the one without kids.. who wants them.. you will have a happier life imho.
Overwhelmed. Sounds like real
Overwhelmed. Sounds like real life to me. BM drama -- that won't go away. Kids -- even great kids are messy, sometimes difficult, and cost money. That doesn't go away and gets worse during the teenage years. Job -- unless he becomes independently wealthy that won't go away either. So holding out hope that life will become simpler and he'll be ready for more kids sounds like just wishful thinking. What is he actually DOING to become less overwhelmed?
I don't understand why he thinks that having more kids would not be "fair" to his existing kids. Because they won't be the center of attention? Because he will have additional financial responsibilities? Because he won't be at their and BM's beck and call? Do you see the big red flags waving?
He's telling you, without telling you, that he doesn't want more kids. But he doesn't want to lose you either.
Please do not compromise who you are fundamentally. If you do, you will live with a lifetime of regret and resentment.
Love isn't enough. It sounds
Love isn't enough. It sounds like this guy gets overwhelmed by his normal everyday life. Now, that life may include drama, but clearly that's his life and he's not able to deal with that plus the thought of more kids. It could be that the same personality and temperament that made him such a good partner for 7 months also is what makes him very overwhelmed. If you want kids, I'd cut this one loose. He's not ready for the relationship you are.
EXACTLY!
All of this 100%.
Throw this fish back. TBH he sounds immature.
I guess what throws me is
I guess what throws me is that he was so gung ho about it all for so long and just a week ago he had this mental break about not wanting kids. Leaving him just seems like the worst thing in the world but not worse than not having kids. But then I think, ok, if he renegs in a year then I'll end it and just have a baby on my own. I've dated aggressively for 5 years prior to him, never met ANYONE that I felt even REMOTELY like this for and that has treated me so well. I just get scared that if I leave, I'm not going to find someone that I love to have kids with and will get stuck doing it on my own anyway
The fact that he was so gung
The fact that he was so gung ho about it so early is actually a huge red flag in itself really.. he hardly knew you.. hardly knows you now tbh. and you don't know him all that well.. you think you do.. but now.. do you really.. ?
He mirrored the kind of thing you wanted to hear.. the more you loved it.. the more he poured on.. until he got to the point where he got scared you were going to make him commit and follow through.. oh.. now it was just a bunch of talk.. not quite ready.. so many 2nd guesses..
I would be worried about a guy talking about moving in together just a few months into the relationship... that's not really normal.
HUGE red flag. RUN and find a
HUGE red flag. RUN and find a man without kids. *help*
Future Faking
Look up "Future Faking." It's a real thing, and he's been doing it to you.
Ruuuuunnnn!
At least if you move on, you have a chance at what you want.
Staying.... the only chance of getting what you want is somewhere between slim and none.
Fear and guilt make crap material to build a future on. I just get scared that if I leave......
Think of if you don't leave and what brought you here to discuss just keeps going, and going, and going...
Id rethink this relationship
From what you posted it sounds like hes doing the ole "bait and switch".
From what you posted, having a child of your own is the dealbreaker.
From what you posted, hes divided between you and his children and his ex (enmeshed, look it up)
From what you posted, definitely rethink things. Do not move in and do not get married and do not buy a house and do not get pregnant.
This is your honeymoon phase and it sounds like it has cooled a tremendous amount.
YES!
Lots of men seem to try the bait and switch when it comes to kids... ultimate betrayal especially when they have kids and expect you to "step up" when it comes to them.
I guess I just have such a
I guess I just have such a hard time believing that with him. Maybe because I have rose colored glasses on about him but he is a good man. And I did bring that up to him. That it would be wildly unfair and selfish for him to keep me around and lie to me about wanting kids if he truly doesn't and he told me that he'd never do that and would never be so selfish and would never keep me from being a mom because I'd be a great one
He's a con artist. Plain and simple.
Seven months is no time at all to keep up an act. He is feeding you what you want to hear - for now. If you were to go all-in and marry or otherwise commit to this guy, he'd change his tune very quickly.
Yeah, he'll tell you NOW that he would never keep you from being a mom. But months have a way of trickling into years and before you knew it, you'd be 38 or 40 or 42 and he'd still be finding excuses or "crises" or challenges that were in the way of having more children.
This guy basically love-bombed you. Painted a fairy-tale picture of life together after just a few months. That's not realistic nor is it believable for someone who supposedly is a responsible parent and has minor children. But you believed it, so he kept spoon feeding it to you. Now that time has moved on, he's having second thoughts (and maybe a little bit of guilt) over the b.s. lines he shoveled at you. Sounds to me like he has enjoyed your company but once things started getting a bit more "serious" he's finding excuses to cut and run. Let him go. This one is NOT a keeper.
Listen, just because you had a five year stretch where you kissed a lot of frogs doesn't make this guy a prince. Sure, he may have some good qualities but that doesn't mean he is a good match for you. You know who is a good match for you? A man who is aligned with what you want in life, and is willing to do the work to attain it together. This is NOT that guy.
Don't wait around for another year, waiting for this guy to reneg. You deep down know it's going to happen. End it now. (To be honest, he may be relieved that you do as it saves him from being the "bad guy" and he can act all honorable and sh!t.)
So instead imagine - in one year from now, you may be with the REAL love of your life - perhaps a guy a couple of years younger without kids - who wants to start a family with YOU. Who wants YOU to be the one and only mom of his children. He's out there. Go find him.
I have a rule that had held true for me in every relationship
transition I have experienced.
No matter how intense and wonderful a relationship or partner may be, when it is over, it hurts. The good news... is that when you end it, or they do, the pain only hurts the worst for about 3 days. Then each day after day 3 it gets a tiny bit better until eventually it is nothing but a periodic unpleasant memory.
The really good news... no matter how great that former partner may have been, the next one will have all of those positive traits, few of the negative traits, and a number of unique traits that are amazing.
When you progress to the right person, the right relationship, and work together towards the right future, it will rarely feel like work, rarely will there be hurt, pain, or anger. It just fits, it just works.
The really, really good news.... it rarely is as hard to end it and move on than we tend to build it up to be in our minds.
Great advice 2Tired4Drama . You nailed it.
OP, take the above advice and save your happiness and future.
When you start dating someone
When you start dating someone they ALWAYS put up a facade, ALWAYS. You just have seen a glimpse of what's behind that facade. He was too overwhelmed to keep up the facade, so you've seen a glimpse of the real him. If you don't like who he is, leave, or you'll get that version of him for the rest of your life.
Yes to all of the above! For
Yes to all of the above! For the first few months he put his best foot forward... now he isn't being "distant" this is just his true self. Hanging on to how the relationship was at the beginning is no valid reason to stay. You want kids, and he doesn't. Don't compromise what you want. Don't get me started on the whole co-sleeping thing either. Sounds like you will be doing your future child a HUGE favor by ditching this guy. Find yourself a partner that genuinely wants a child and won't put them second to another "first born". Sounds like if you stay with this guy you will be settling.
What kind of a man has his
What kind of a man has his kids in his bed when his girlfriend comes over?! Seriously? How old are these kids? He isn't even putting you first when you're still new and shiny - another red flag to add to your collection.
I agree with the others - he showed you what you wanted to see and now thinks he has you hooked so he doesn't have to make the effort any more. You're in your early 30s and you are way too young to settle for a memory of what was because it's gone and not coming back.
He wants you
To be a mother to his kids to have the Happy Fanily he never had. But you having a us child will put the us child before his kids. You will make his kids second ( anyone would ) that what he doesn't want. You will be wanting to take the us child to Santa workshop, leggo land. His kids will be too old for these places. They will be push aside to BM as you go away with us baby
Hun
I havent read all the comments, but jumped in to comment.
I was married, my EXDH said he wanted more kids with me. I was so happy and delighted. My ex SD was a raving B,and my EXDH kissed her ass 24/7, but the thought of a child swooned me to marry him.
BIGGEST REGRET. Besides the fact that my ex DH and SD acted like a couple, my exdh pulled a switcharoo. After marriage he said NO MORE KIDS for him. He actually said SD was perfection, barfarooni.
We divorced and now biologically I cannot have kids.
I am glad I didnt have kids with him, that wouldve kept us intertwined for life. BUT I am sad and bioless.
Hun dont waste your time with flip flop moody BF.
Dang it, you deserve better. Go meet a fabulous man who has no kids and sees the future just like you. At 33 they are out there.
Move on hun, please.
BLESSINGS
There are red flags all over
There are red flags all over this situation. In the beginning, our "feelgood" brain chemicals cause us to see only the good, everything is rose-colored, we so desperately want to hang on to that emotion when things start to cool off. When the feelgood wears off and time passes, a person's true colors will show. You are seeing only the tip of that now: BF's distancing, changing his mind about moving in/having kids, stress with his kids/BM, then the "closeness" then distancing again. This is manipulative behavior - he is grooming you for a future of settling for less than you deserve. How do I know? My EX husband acted EXACTLY like this when we first met - I thought it was because he loved me and was overwhelmed with emotion for me when in reality, he was seeing how much bullsh&t I was willing to tolerate. He told me he wanted another kid when I first met him, wanted to move in quickly, he loved me, I was his angel, etc. Then he became hot and cold, would be just nice enough to me to make me doubt myself and stay, would make promises he never kept... I could go on and on. Please read my posts on this site. I went through 9 years of absolute hell it started innocently enough, so I didn't catch on. Regarding what you're seeing, this is only the beginning, this WILL get worse and you will wake up one day and wonder why you wasted your time on this situation. By the time I got smart enough to leave this guy, I was older and it was too late for me to have kids. I get to live with that regret and the 9 years I wasted on that relationship every day. It's hard to live with some days.
The longer you stay with him, the harder it will be to leave and the more excuses you will make to stay. You'll try to brush off or excuse his behavior, his kids' behavior, his ex's behavior and you'll push your emotions deep, deep down inside you and you'll tell yourself that you just need patience, he loves you, if you just try a little harder and hang on a little longer.... Then one day, you find yourself so bitter, angry, sad and questioning every decision you made to try to be with this guy and his kids. And you'll have lost your true self in the midst of all the misery.
The co-sleeping and "but he does want a family with me but he’s just not sure and thinks it’ll be unfair for his kids" again give reason to be concerned about any future with this man. His kids will always come before you. Toward the end of my marriage, the subject of having a baby came up again. My ex husband told me "I don't want kids because my son will feel second and less important. I don't want him to feel left out."
You are 32 and you want kids. Time is of the essence. You are young, please try to find someone who doesn't have baggage. If you marry someone with kids, you and your bio children will always be last.
Please do some deep thinking about your future and what you want. Only you can decide what is right for you. I hope my post didn't offend you, but I am greatly alarmed by your post because I feel like you are walking down the exact same path I did when I met my ex-husband when I was 36 years old. And all the regrets I have weigh on me every day - if I could save just one person from experiencing the heartache that I have been through and still go through at times, then it's worth it to me to write what I think and try to help, even if that means upsetting someone.
You also wrote that your BF is a good man; this may be so. I think it is fair to consider that he can be a good man but be a lousy father and partner.
Please take care of yourself, keep us posted!
**HUGS**
Oh, Sweetie!
My dear friend, M, more than three decades younger than I but so bright and funny that she often seemed like an ‘old soul’, became, in her mid-twenties, involved with a married man. As much as I tried to convince her that he would never leave his abusive, alcoholic wife (that ‘ol song and dance, hah!) to marry her and have a child together, she hung in there until, as my beloved Nana used to say, ‘The last dog was hung’. Mr. Married Man’s wife died, unexpectedly, when my friend was in her mid thirties yet NO OFFFER OF MARRIAGE was forthcoming from that user sumbitch. Instead, he hitched up with a wealthy, widowed friend of his long-suffering wife (I was convinced that he’d had that poor woman dangling for yonks, right along with my friend), leaving M in the dirt. Yeah, she probably deserved it but we all do pudden-head things in our youth.
Finally, at age thirty-eight, M decided to have the child that she’d yearned for since her early twenties. She did a lot of research, paid top dollar for a sperm donor (and hey, Rags, M’s was not a sperm-idiot; you get what you pay for!) and gave birth to a baby daughter. Anonymity precludes me from showing a photo of this child. Suffice to say that she is as beautiful as she is bright and with a personality that lights up a room. I’m not saying that artificial insemination is for everyone; far from it! The fact that M has a doting father and two older brothers in her life, all devoted to M’s daughter is pure luck.
All I’m suggesting, Tryingtonavigate, is that there are options! Certainly, there are available, childless men in their thirties, willing to marry and have children. They may not be thick on the ground but they are out there! My grannyd ESP suggests that you are an attractive woman; otherwise, your boyfriend would not be so eager and determined to keep you dangling. Advice from an old gal who has been around the block a few times, is to keep your options open and to not be blinded by a fast-talking fella’ who, like M’s paramour, fails to pass the ‘smell test’. Rags, get in here!
Far from impossible... for viable mature adults.
For this guy.... yep.... definitely impossible. He is telling you this. Listen to him. Believe him.
He is allowing his X, his past, his job, etc.... to put you last in his life. That is where you will stay, that is where this relationship sill stay for him, and sadly, last is where your children will be. His failed family will always come before your family. Even kids that he may reluctantly have with you.
Do not do that to you, do not do that to your children.
Though not intended to be harsh, I will say that it is obvious that he is over you. Let it all go.
I get the intensity of a strong connection. However, baggage kills connection just about every time. If not mercifully early in the intense and strong connection cycle, then tragically far too long down the calendar to extricate one's self without incredible effort and pain. Making a life with a prior breeder dealing with a failed family that they cannot keep in their place, is not a view worth the climb. So, to speak.
My SParent journey is pretty much the unicorn of blended family experiences. My DW was a single teen mom. We met when SS-30 was 15mos old. We married the week he turned 2. The Spermidiot was cut loose due to his continued pursuit of statutory rape victims by my DW who then left SpermLand for University out of state taking SS with her. She had COd full physical and legal custody so that was not as difficult for my DW as it is for many who were married, have multiple kids, and far more complex situations. The comparative simplicity of DW's history which kept our blended family marriage about as simple as they come is IMHO why we have been successful... 28+ years and counting. Knock on wood it continues.
Because I have never had an overwhelming need for spawn of my own and my DW's OBGYNs pretty much told her to get pregnant again could likely kill her with as ill as she was (toxemia/pre-eclampsia) during her pregnancy with SS, he has remained an only child in our family/marriage.
There are options for you out there that do not require you to pollute your gene pool with this failed man, failed father, and failed partner.
Continue your life's journey leaving him and his failed family in your past. When the right time arrives, you will have your child(ren) and find someone worthy of you who will not fail the 'smell test' as this entire shallow and polluted gene pool has done, led by your current BF.
He lost the plot. Not you. He is telling you that he does not want children, etc... Believe him.
Do not do THIS to yourself and your future children.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Take care of you.
Beautifully said, Rags!
Beautifully said, Rags!
Tryingtonavigate, Hon, please take off the rose-coloured glasses and listen to folks who have been there. We are trying our best to save you! ❤️
But I love him. What if this
But I love him. What if this is just a "down" in the ups and downs of a relationship? What if he is just overwhelmed and will change his mind? He isn't saying no he's just saying not right now, which I don't even want a kid right now.
Ok, but what if it's not
Ok, but what if it's not "just" a down period? Will he talk about it with you without getting angry or defensive? Will he work through it with you with a counselor?
Other than telling you what you want to hear, what is he DOING to put your relationship first? Pay attention to action, not words.
Are you willing to bet your future, happiness, and life
on a what if?
Take a look at this please. It made a big impression on me. It may do the same for you.
Opinion: The First Red Flag in Relationships | StepTalk.org
Honey.. this is important.
Honey.. this is important. You want this to work so badly that you are lying to yourself.
In your post.. you said he told you he didn't want to have more children.. now you are trying to tell yourself it is back peddled a bit.. and he said.. "not now".. you know that's not what he said..
You want someone, anyone to validate your wish that this will all work out and that you can have him and your cake too.
But, when people tell you who they are.. you need to believe them. He has already told you that he regrets the early talk of moving in together. He has told you he doesn't think he wants to have any more kids.. and honestly.. with him being firmly in the driver's seat there.. he HAS kids already.. he isn't being asked to give up anything.. you are. You are asked to take this monumental risk that this dude who is already showing real signs of not being reliable, mentally stable. weak, not planning on following through on promises and plans.. he has shown you his cards.. and you are asking him to go back reshuffle and try again.
So.. he will tell you what you want to hear because you are attractive.. he likes hanging with you.. so he makes some non-commital noises about it maybe not being a final answer.. maybe.. we will see.. meanwhile tick tock.. your bio clock is ticking.. and while you may not want kids today.. you should really be looking to start trying to have one in the next couple of years.. at least.. and if he kicks his decision down the road two years.. and then decides NoPE. what do you do.. run and make an even worse choice for a partner?
What if he just outright lies and promises.. when you already know he has serious reservations.. nothing to stop him from taking that back is there?
I would say some intense couple's counseling to work through this now before you lose valuable time is needed..
He's never ever gotten angry
He's never ever gotten angry or defensive. And it was him bringing it up to begin with, I've never pushed for kids but he knows that it's what I want for my future. I think he would go to counseling if I asked him to. He already is in therapy to deal with all the emotional stuff from the divorce and after and life. We decided to table the discussion for a few weeks to see how he feels after that but he does know, kids become a hard no then I become a hard no.
You know he's never going to
You know he's never going to give you a hard no because he knows you would leave. So he keeps reeling you back in. How many years are you willing to wait?
I just wish that one person
I just wish that one person would say something positive or that they've been through this and there is light on the other side. With him.
I'm so sorry you are going
I'm so sorry you are going through this, really. :(
I wish I could say something positive, but I have lived and learned. I am no longer with that guy and kick myself every day that I wasted my time with him. Your BF's behavior is exactly like my ex-husband's, exactly. He would give me just enough kindess and say the right things to keep me hanging on, this went on for years - and then he would yank the rug out from under me, time and time again. In the end, I figured out my instincts about him (and his worthless son) were right all along. Please avoid that trap, especially if you want kids. Time is a'wastin!
Only you know what's right for you friend. Hang in there, think about things, read these posts, decide what it is you want for YOU.
Please don't be angry with us posters - we are only trying to help. **BIG HUGS**
I will give you the only
I will give you the only instance that comes close to this and it was my brother. He confided to me years ago that he was conflicted about staying with the woman he was dating because she was much younger (about 12 years I think) than him and knew she wanted kids and he was worried whether he wanted to be a father.. whether he would be a "bad father" like my dad was in his mind.. etc.. There was no steplife in this.. the woman had never been married and no kids.. my brother was once married.. but no kids.
My advice was that at his age (early 40's..) he was quite unlikely to meet someone that did not already have kids.. so he was likely to be in the dad role with someone and he might as well be in that role with his own bio kid.... ultimately.. he decided to stay with her.. get married and they have a 10 year old kid now.
This situation is very different from yours.. his cold feet was the unknown.. your SO knows what it is like to have kids.
and.. the BIGGEST difference is that it wasn't step related which is a huge reason why most people are advising that this situation isn't a good one for you. Look.. steplife is incredibly difficult.. even under the best of circumstances... and everyone here knows that you would almost 1000 percent end up happier without having to deal with all the crappy baggage. And we aren't here to tell you what you want to here so you can go further along the likely wrong path.. you should hear the truth now vs learing the hard way hopefully.
I would insist on intensive therapy over this issue.. he doesn't get to "think about it".. and string you along until you are further entrenched into this relationship.
Some people cling to a bad decision because they have put so much effort and emotion into it.. the sooner you figure out if there is a future.. the better off you will be. and at your age.. you don't have an endless amount of time.
I met my DH in my late 30's.. I kind of thought I might be able to have a child.. even at that age.. guess what.. didn't happen.. and didn't have the resources to spend money on treatments.. so I never had kids.. I just helped raise his.. (with an ex who was keenly jealous if I was too nice to her girls.. which was fun..jk). Is there any amount of wishful thinking and regret that I have.. that I had to help raise someone else's kids and still have to gracefully step back at times so their mom won't get her feelings hurt.. (like seeing the "i love mom" posts on mother's day.. or my DH and I not being in pictures of vacations that we literally went on together because mama loses her mind?)
We are giving you the reality that steplife can be heartbreaking, full of toxic people, thankless.. so many negatives.. that most of us.. even those who had fairly good turnouts would not recommend.. and I guess you could say we are just a bunch of bitter people.. but don't you think there may be a central theme in WHY we might be kind of bitter?
Can it happen? It is possible, but not likely.
No one has a crystal ball.
Only you can make decisions on the situation you are experiencing.
He and you are in a relatonship that will never be just the two of you. If the breeder partner in these relationships is a quality partner, understands that the relationship and the two of you together are the only top priority, it can work.
If the prior breeding partner is child centric, puts their children first, the chance of success for the relationship is poor at best. Kids are the top responsibility, not the top priority. Two very different things.
I get that he is not an angry person. Great. If he was, that should be an immediate deal breaker. What he seems to do, is pt his X and their children as his priority rather than you and his relationship with you.
Can it change? Yes, but it is extremely unlikely.
My pesonal experience is as a non breeding StepDad. I was married before, no kids. My DW was a single teen mom. Never married to the Spermidiot. We met at university during her first semester after HS and my last semester of an 11yrs undergrad career. I am 12yrs older. SS-30 was 15mos old when we met. We married the week before he turned 2yo.
DW and I aligned very early that WE were the priority. SS was our primary responsibility. The SpermClan was not a priority at all. They either behaved or they suffered. Because DW did not have a long term relationship with the SpermClan, we did noit have the established baggage that your BF has. Though IMHO he owns all of it and must minimize the interferance in your life that his baggage represents. My DW and I aligned early that being equity life partners included being equity parents to any children on our home/marriage regardless of kid biology.
As it turned out, SS is an only child in our family/marriage. I have never had a soul crushing need to breed one or more of my own. I like kids. My DW's pregnancy with SS nearly killed her and her Gynos over the years have strongly advised that she not have any more children. That all kept our blended family adventure about as simple as they get.
A big concern I have for you is that BF knows that breeding is a requirement for you. Be very wary of stringing yourself along in this situation on the variable chance that he will ever agree to that. For sure you do not want to have a kid with him if he is not all in on the two of you being the priority and if he continues to prioritize his XW and their failed family progeny over you and by association, your child(ren) with him. Do not do that to yourself or your future children.
Take care of you.
Been there, invested the time
Been there, invested the time, he put the ring on my finger. We had trouble getting pregnant. Many tests and thousands of dollars later, I was finally diagnosed with a 'plumbing' problem. He got drunk and admitted he was GLAD. He'd only told me we could try for a baby to get that ring on my finger or I'd've dumped him.
You said so yourself... I am PETRIFIED of me investing time in this person when he doesn’t want the same thing as me.
Invest your time with someone who wants what YOU want. This isn't a compromise about you being okay with an annoying little habit. A baby is a YUGE thing in a relationship.
I thought my so didn't want
I thought my so didn't want kids. Then after 2 years he said he wanted one with me. Now now but in a couple of years time. Then he pulled it back. Not at first. He just refused to talk about it when i brought it up and changed the subject whenever I commented on other people procreating. Then after 3 years he saud he didn't want kids and had never told me he wanted kids "or maybe he was just drunk"
i get a similar vibe from your situation. I wouldve been a great mum for sure and now I'll never experience it
I decided to stay with my so
I decided to stay with my so and gave up on my dreams ever becoming a wife or a mother. Like you, i too love my so and wish there was something there to keep us together. Still, i seek aupport on this site and dread every day if this will be the day that it all ends and I've wasted my best years with him. I still hope it will all magically work out and we'll grow old together. But i know it's a stretch
Take care of you.
What if I leave him and I
What if I leave him and I never find someone that I love as much? What if this is just a difficult time for him given the circumstances and I abandon someone I love when they need my support? He started looking for houses again for us, without me prompting anything. What if I make a mistake in leaving him? And I am thinking, god forbid, if when I'm 34/35 and he changes his mind to a hard no to kids- I would just have them on my own. I am financially stable, I have a support group in my family and friends and I would just have them on my own. I would never GIVE UP having kids or make it based on whether or not I have a man in my life. I would do it on my own.
I can see how desperately you
I can see how desperately you are trying to make what you want work with this guy.. but you need to proceed more cautiously really..
Looking at houses at 8 months? There is zero way anyone should be looking to buy a home together with someone they have only known 8 months... you think you know and love him.. but you hardly know him.. you llike the IDEA of him.. and he likes the IDEA of you.. but you have some huge unresolved issues.. and him just happily going back to looking at houses after his freak out panic attack.. do you really think being with someone who is liable to freak out and leave things on you is really the rock you want?
Please try to have some logical and sensible analysis here.. see a counselor.. him and you together.. make sure he is the strong partner you need.. because right now he has already shown you he is not a strong person.. and that you may have to do the heavy lifting
Life is full of regrets and risks.. but fear of the unknown is not a valid reason to stay in a less than ideal situation. and.. honestly.. after 3 or 4 years of thinking you love him.. you think it will be easy to go off an have your own IV child? you will have excuses for him then too.. and will probably let your dream die if he won't agree to kids.
You say looking at houses at
You say looking at houses at 8 months is insane and that I have to move on to find someone that will want the same future. I'm already 33. My fertility window is closing. So if I end it now, meet someone by any stretch of the imagination in the next few months which I doubt to begin with, then have to do my due diligence for 2 years before I move in, then a year of living together then a year to determine if we have kids or not and if that ALL works out, which it likely won't, it brings me to 38 before I can have a child. And I'm in the same predicament that I'm in now.
Yes.. I get that your window
Yes.. I get that your window is not infinite.. and that is what it makes it so much more important to objectively and logically take heed of red flags early.
The looking at the house thing.. is just frosting.. fluff.. that is the easy stuff.. anyone (theoretically)..can find a house.. secure financing and buy a house with someone.. that is FUN stuff.. it isn't dealing with the hard stuff.. the challenges.. the insecurity and fear we all have and the crap life throws at us.
Your BF has very early on showed you that he has a tendency to buckle under the pressure of life.. that the weight of actually following through.. and commitment makes him uncomfortable.. and he honestly told you that he is not entirely sure he wants the same things in life that you do.
I'm sure you made it known that the child thing was important.. so he has thrown the house hunting up .. as a way to keep you invested because you are seeing it as progress..
I have to say that when I met my DH.. I was not so sure.. I started to like him a few months in.. and it took a while before I could say it was love.. and honestly say that I love him more now after 20 years than I did 10 years ago.. or 5.. the love has magnified.. but I see so many people rush in and take that heat of attraction and say that is love.. when it's difficult to really know someone that quickly.
I think with straight line progression.. you should know in the first year whether someone is worth more time.. and by year 2 (assuming mature adults).. you should know whether you are ready to commit or not.. and if both people aren't at the same agreement.. it can be hard.. but the relationship fails.
I think you could see if you tend to pick the same "type" of guy repeatedly too.. all my Exes were very similar.. all failed.. my DH is quite unlike anyone I have dated in the past.. actually not my "type".. and he has turned out to be the right one for me.. but it took me throwing my hands up and letting someone else do the matchmaking to find him.. haha.
What if you stay and nothing changes?
Prior behavior being the best predictor of future behavior.
I have found that when I am looking for someone to love, they are nowhere to be found. When I focus on me and my own happiness, love finds me. It found me 28+ years ago, after a divorce, selling my company, and was close to graduating University.
Get out of your own way and IMHO, do not waste your happiness and future on a failed family.
Isn't the saying that if you
Isn't the saying that if you find someone you love in life, you hang on to that love
I can tell you are very
I can tell you are very conflicted about leaving your BF. I know it this is a difficult position to be in - I have been there and I chose poorly.
You wrote: what if I never find someone I love as much? What if I make a mistake leaving? These questions/concerns were the same reason I hung on to my ex husband for 9 thankless years. The fact is that no one can predict the future. However, it is fairly certain that you will likely be unfulfilled in this relationship given that there are already issues. The love-bombing can have a very strong effect and make us question leaving - we think back to the romantic, loving moments early in the relationship and we cling to those and we become scared of never finding that again. We think that those early romantic moments are a predictor of how the relationship will go - and we are wrong. Your BF has already started to show you his true colors. You wrote that if your BF says NO to kids, you will have them on your own. This will be difficult to do and you will end up living a lonely life parallel to your BF's life: he will be occupied with his kids and you with yours. Again, I think it will be unfulfilling and maybe even make you resentful. I highly doubt you and your child will never be first in his life.
You have to decide what is right for you. Only you can do that. I urge you, though, to read your post and re-read the comments on here - think about what you want for you and your future, your children's future. I have not heard of the saying that if you find love you hang on to it. If that is a saying, whoever made that up was never involved with a man/woman who had kids.
Please keep us posted!
If it is a quality love, you don't need to hang onto it.
It grows. It does not detract fro your life.
If it is a quality love, you don't need to hang onto it.
It grows. It does not detract from your life.
I see and hear what you all
I see and hear what you all are saying. I'm just scared to throw away a relationship where I love someone over maybe a momentary lapse. I want to fight for this relationship.
Sometimes love isnt enough
Fighting for a relationship takes the two of you, not just you. Start some couples counseling, talk to each other.
You need time to really think about things, really consider things. Im not certain for myself if knowing what I now know I would do it over again. Im childless and really regret it, but I met husband when I was in my 40's and considered myself well past child rearing age.
Read around on this site, look into the archives, read peoples blogs. I know that we SEEM like we are all negative, but the stories and posts and blogs (for us) seem to repeate themselves. I reflect others stories as well, and I feel like sometimes I am the proverbial "broken record" when I come here to vent.
If you want a comment that tells you "fight for your relationship it will be so worth it if you stick it out you will get everything you hope for", Well Im sorry, but we are seasoned and battle worn/weary folks here with all kinds of solutions to problems and issues that we are also going through. We have seen folks like you many many many times over.
Is there hope, based on what you posted? Sure, there is always HOPE. Will it be an easy road? Nope.
I implore you to re-read these comments and take each of them not as criticism but imagine us a bunch of old aunties (and uncle) with your best interests at heart.
I encourage you in your journey to read through this site, and not just these comments.
Love isn't just a feeling,
Love isn't just a feeling, that feeling you feel is lust. LOVE is a choice. every morning you CHOOSE to wake up and love someone. You need to learn that. that is what I have tought my daughters. You absolutely can stay with this man, but know that THIS is who he is going to be. He will NEVER be who you thought he was. You will likely be miserable for the rest of your time with him. Is this who you WANT to love for the rest of your life?
It is time to grow up and realize that love isn't this fairy tale that we've all been told. It is hard work, and dedication for the rest of your life. But with this only having been a 7 or 8 month relationship, it's going to be easy to move on and find someone new. Some of us weren't lucky enough to see the red flags so early on... some of us didn't get the red flags until after marriage, and didn't have people to tell us that we needed to wake up and run.
Then don't waste any more
Then don't waste any more time and make a counselling appointment for both of you today!