For me, the only thing that matters is you and your husband's decision. Personally, I very much doubt she'd be granted an exhumation license to remove her father from one wife to place him with a wife he divorced just because his daughter thinks it's the right thing to do. He chose that spot with you, the woman he was happily married to at the time of his death.

Besides that, would she have the funds to even try? It can be incredibly expensive to do.

I know grief can affect us all in different ways but, in my humble opinion, your SD is deranged.

Is your SD not familiar with this standard phase in most wedding vows?  Your DH was YOUR DH.  He may have still been her father but he was NOT BM's husband any more -he's yours. 

The two of you (as husband and wife) decided together what your final resting place was going to be. That is all that matters. What your SD thinks is absolutely irrelevant. She clearly has mental issues and is either deluded or is suffering from some kind of mental regression where she thinks she is a child again and she needs mommy and daddy together for eternity.  In either case, her mental issues are not your problem.

Proceed with your plans and ignore any further input from her on this matter.  In fact, start refusing to take her calls or don't respond to her texts and emails. 

Buried with her mum when you 2 are married. She is no longer his family. Its to play a fantasy of the original family. She needs to face reality

Your SD is and she knows it. Personally, I'd put it to rest with HER. It's been 7 months since your DH has passed and while I'll never put a time line on grief, she needs a "wake up" call. I'd let her know under no circumstances will your DH EVER be moved next to his EX-wife, that there will be NO adjustments to his headstone unless YOU make them (I'm stunned you omitted things based on her getting peeved) and YOU will be the one buried next to him.

Like you, I'd get an attorney, make sure everything is solid legally, and get that letter on file with the cemetery. And for someone giving you hell in your life? Time to disengage. Minimize her time in your life. Keep her at arm's length on any and everything to do with your life. And if she says anything rude or ugly, be truthful and tell her you are not going to tolerate the ugly directed towards you anymore.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. After all, your SD is not the only one grieving. YOU are, too. Something she knows and still continues her attacks. 

Your SD is delusional. I'd definitely go with the lawyer letter to shut her up. If this was my SD,  I'd hope she got so offended by it that she stopped contacting me.

This is a fantasy on her part and by bringing it up to you repeatedly it is harassment.

The issue is quite literally dead and buried. If it comes up again just stop any talk in it's tracks, hang up the phone or ignore any messages or emails.

If she continues have a lawyer send her a letter outlining facts, length of marriage , his wishes and any further harassment by her will bring charges.   I'd also suggest grief counseling for her.   You don't need this crap and she needs to get on with her life as do you.  

My GM and my GF were married for 50 years when he passed.  My GM remarried a year later on her B-Day.  She had been engaged to her second DH when she met my GF.  

The XFiance's/DH2's wife had passed 4 years earlier.  My GM and DH2 married on her 70th bday.

When my GM passed at 90 my mom and aunt had her hurried with my GF.  DH2 passed 5mos later at 96.  His family wanted my GM moved to be next to DH2 on the opposite side to his first wife with him between them..

Nope.  50 yrs trumped 20yrs.  Without asking my mom and aunt,  DH2's family  had a foot stone made recognizing my GM as 2nd wife of DH2 and dumped it on my GM's grave.  His family was all happy about that.  Until..... the foot stone on DH2's grave recognizing him as my GM's DH2 was installed.  They lost their shit over that.  My mom and aunt responded to DH2's family foot stone on GM's grave with one of their own on DH2's grave.

Because my parents created and finance  the in perpetuity cemetery grounds care fund at that church, DH2's family could not have the foot stone on DH2's grave removed.  Mom and  my aunt had the foot stone on my GM's grave nicely set rather than dumped at her feet as DH2's family had done.  Mom and her sister had the foot stone they placed at DH2's feet nicely set as well.

My youngest brother is interned at that cemetery which is why my parents created the in perpetuity cemetery grounds care fund. The land the church and cemetery are on was donated by my GGGF and he hand built the first church.

The small country church historic family and historic congregational politics, conflicts, and drama are epic.  Particularly regarding the cemetery.  DH2's clan are all in the  top L corner of the cemetery and are now land locked.  All but a few of their plots are occupied.  Both sides of my mothers maternal clan occupy the other top corner and most of the top Rt side of the cemetery.  My GF's clan  occupies much of the center bordering my mom's maternal clan's side.  My GPs and my parents have a broad strip of plots that cuts the cemetery in two between the the top of the cemetery hill and the bottom.  My baby brother is in the center with my GF to his L.  My GM is next to my GF and GM's 8 sibs and their families are spread out next to her.  My parents will go to the baby's Rt.  Me and my family will go either next to or below my parents and my baby bro.  I'm not going in one place. I want part of my cremains with my family, part with  my bride and our son wherever she decides to go assuming she survives me by a decade+.  The rest of me is to be split between the mountains, the desert and the ocean.

I want stones in our family cemetery with my brother and parents and next to DW if she chooses to go with her family.  The beach, desert, and mountain locations I'll just be dust in the wind.

Don't let the Skidult change it.

My dad was killed in WW2 before I was born.  He was buried in a military cemetery in France.    My mom later remarried and had 3 more kids.  In 1990, we traveled to Europe to visit the grave.  It was much more emotional than I expected.  At one point, I told her, "When you die, I'm having him dug up and bringing him home".  Of course, that was delusional as we both knew.  But I understand where your SD is coming from altho I know it's a fantasy.  

Hang in there, she probably knows it's unreal, too.

Or rather lack thereof, is a huge problem. 

When my dad died a few years ago I had to help with cemetery arrangements.  My dad wanted to be buried in a family cemetery where many generations of our family and ancestors are buried.  My step mother told me he could only be buried there if there was room for her. There wasn't....so I asked her for her second choice, because it was HER choice.  She actually chose the cemetery where my mother is buried.  It a perpetual care cemetery that's actually owned by my mother's side of the family.  I went with her to choose the plots and sent the pictures and information to my cousin.  Because I have respect for my daddy and my stepmother's relationship.  My relationship with her was awkward because she was the widow of my dad's cousin and she actually chased my dad when my parents were married and at one time was my mother's best friend...but it is what it is and it was weird for my cousins to also be my stepsister, but we were all grown when they got together.  I wanted my dad's wishes carried out...and since he didn't leave a will, my stepmother was in charge.  I simply tried to help her. Your SD needs to grow up and realize she's not in control here and you are calling the shots. Definitely have your attorney make things legal and unbreakable.  I'm  so sorry for your loss.

I happened to come across this several weeks ago, then I wondered if this was your SD.  But it can't be, because this DH divorced the BM.  But this is what goes on in her deraged head.

https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/dear-stepmother-an-adult-daughters-lette...

This is not her grieving this is being a pot stirrer after big daddios death.

It never ends for them. They keep twisting that knife for as long as they can.

If the SD didnt respect your marriage before death its highly unlikely she will after death. Past actions predict future behavior . 

That was dang kind to omit all the particulars on the headstone as to not upset the fragile SD   PUKE. Dang it you are better than me.

He was your husband, why hide what was pure and true?

Sorry for your loss. Have a lawyer send out a letter to her stating this is what your DH wanted for his final resting place.

Geez these B's never give up.

Blessings hun

I think I'll watch this thread.  I see potential problems in the future when my SM passes.  She intends on being buried next to my dad.  There's a shared tombstone with both names on it.  She remarried a year after Dad passed and my sister and I were not happy.  We felt as if she didn't really care since she moved on so quickly.  This was a long time ago now.  I realized how wrong I was and made peace with my SM. Her husband is a really nice guy too.  We don't keep in touch but are on good terms.  Anyway, my sister has not let it go, to the point where she doesn't want her buried next to my dad.  Has said she'd have her removed if her husband and/or our stepsisters (from her first marriage, which ended in divorce)had her buried there.  She had even at one point, tried to get a lawyer to contest Dad's will.  My brother and I refused to get involved.  Dad wanted SM to get everything, he wouldn't have wanted us fighting with her over his property, and we were adults who could take care of ourselves anyway.  She dropped it because our lawyer uncle said she didn't have a snowball's chance in Hell.  I, personally, have no problem with SM being buried next to him.  They were married, it's what Dad would want. I don't know who owns the plots. I think it may have been my grandfather's employer? Only mill workers, their spouses, children, and children's spouses can be buried in that part of the cemetery.  My siblings and I will not be able to be buried there, so it isn't about her wanting a plot there.  I think she should let this go but she is stubborn.

I think you're smart to get a lawyer to iron all of this out.  Death of a loved one can make people behave so irrationally.  I don't know what to do with my situation. I tend to try to steer clear of drama when I can.  I'll probably just stay out of it like I always have.  Cause there's going to be drama no matter what.  Your SD is partly coming from a place of grief but that's no excuse to act like that.  If your husband didn't want to be buried next to her mom, all the more reason to get the letter from your lawyer.  She'd be going against what her own father wanted.  

Your SD needs to be reminded of her place - which could be beside her birth mother when she passes..  As for you and your husband - you intended to stay side by side throughout this life and beyond.  As a SM - I have a too similar situation... But not just yet, ThankYou, Jesus!  Give yourself some credit after a quarter century together on your stones - you know you deserve it and your husband wants you to be recognized for your precious time together!  Whether or not our ashes are below the stones , we will recognize one another - "Husband, GrandPa"... "Wife, Mimi".... Focus on your best memories, be gentle with yourself and find strength to block SD.  Stay on StepTalk!

That is a tough deal! Sorry for your loss!  My dad died 6 years ago, and is burried in a beautiful veteran's/military plot (well, his ashes are). My mom made it clear then she wants to be cremated and burried with him (which this is allowed, the stone reads one name on one side and spouse on the other side.

My siblings and I will likely chose local plots, none of us have thougth that far.

My mom re-married a couple years after dad passed, it was way to fast, mom was super stubborn, we were appalled she went ahead with it w/in less then year of knowing him. 

She is squandering her golden years away being a caregiver again (dad passed of cancer). This guys has health issues, dementia, is the TRUE definition of a miser (worse case I've ever seen, other then now my MIL), controlling, verbally abusive (since on meds does better)- and I'm sure will pass well before my mom....she will be burried with my dad when she goes and he won't be there to contest it- I seriously doubt his daughter/sons will care at all.  

This is a difficult situation... 

Whatever your husband's wishes were should be honored... people do choose all different sorts of things I can speak from experience.

My dad died when I was a child and my mom remarried. She married a man who also lost his wife. When my mom and my step dad died even though they had been married more than 35 years they both chose to be buried with their first spouses because they also had each lost a child that was buried with their first spouses. So people do all kinds of different things. But it sounds like your husband was very clear on what he wanted...

I've also been through the fighting and problems with adult siblings and step siblings through both my mother and stepfather's death and you sound as though you've been more than accommodating to her. It could be she is a very emotional person that is now seeing her life without both her parents and wanting them together. While she may come around you are grieving also and need peace.. I truly believe you should go ahead and let your lawyer handle it. Just tell her that legalities require it..