I have been married for a year to my husband who has two kids from his previous marriage. I also have two kids from mine and we have a two month old together. Since we began dating I've always had this feeling he regretted his divorce. Not just a feeling, but his actions showed me time and time again that was the case (he would never admit it).
He has constantly made me and my two kids (who are with us full time) feel like we are his second choice, like he's never happy when he's with just us but only when his kids are with us, etc. I always thought his regret was just about his kids and being with them half the time, and although it bothered me, I could understand it to an extent. This past week he went behind my back and did a favor for his ex-wife. And straight lied to me about it. While this is the first time I've caught him actually lying about doing something for her, he always does things to appease her and will never stand up to her. The realization that he not only regrets his divorce because of the kids but also because of their relationship has sunk in, I think I've always known this but never wanted to admit it to myself. Looking back I can think of a million examples that show this to reality. I don't think I can continue being in a marriage with a husband who always wishes he was somewhere else, with someone else. He says he understands why I feel this way, is going to make changes so I no longer do, and is begging me to continue trying. I will add that we have a million blended family issues as well and have discussed calling it quits prior to this anyway. I feel like by staying with him I'm losing all of my self respect by being with someone who would prefer to be with someone else, if that were an option. On the other hand we have a two month old together.
I'd like to hear other people's perspective on if you could stay in a marriage like this. I'm a very strong/independent woman and to be with someone who makes me feel this way is just so so difficult for me. Going through another divorce and splitting custody when our daughter is so young is not a much better alternative. I don't know what to do...
What makes you think that he would rather be with his EX. Doing his EX a favor does not necessarily translate into him wishing he had never left her. It doesn't mean that he LOVES her. He is seemingly asking you to give your relationship more of a try.. and that isn't necessarily the reaction I would think a man who wished he had been with his EX would have.
I skimmed your other post.. and it seems like you have had some struggles blending... you felt a lack of closeness to his kids..but have also resented when he doesn't treat your own the same as his. I think to an extent.. it's fine that each of you have more of a bond and do more for your own bio kids.. it's natural.. and as long as you are civilly respectful to the other children.. that shouldn't be an issue.
There are also issues related to his EX that you have resented.. that he "gives in" to her.. which is not a totally uncommon theme here.. and is even common with men who have zero desire to go back with their EX. Sometimes it's placating the beast to try to have a calm life.. or doing things that they see as benefiting their own bio kids.. It's not unlikely he knows how you feel about her.. and not being totally forthcoming when he did her a favor? maybe was self preservation to avoid the drama he thought would happen (which it did anyway right?).
It's possible the favor was something he felt would be currency for good will for some future favor he would need or want in regards to his kids (flex on visitation etc..)
And.. the guilt he may have for breaking up his kid's home.. not sure if he was the one that left.. if he cheated.. if she cheated.. or she wanted the split.. etc.... if he had any blame in that area.. he may regret his actions led to his kids having to be children of divorce.. but.. that still may not totally mean he wants to go back and rewrite history and get together with her again.
But doing something nice for someone doesn't necessarily mean that you love them romantically or want to have a relationship with them.. again. Are you SURE that is what he has been thinking?
I mean.. if you and he had an affair and he left his wife for you.... I don't know.. maybe in hindsight he could be regretting that.. but he needs to be honest.. about what he really wants.
In the end. you probably need some relationship counseling.. so you understand the true foundation or lack thereof in your relationship.
I am also going to put it out there that you have to honestly accept that your BIO's that are not his BIOs.. are not going to be equal for him.. he is always going to wish he had his kids full time. You should not expect him to be a "father" to your kids on an equal footing with his bios.. I'm not saying your kids are not good kids.. but he is not their bio father.. to expect him to fill that role is probably unfair to him.
YOU on the other hand.. should feel like you are the one he wants to be with.. not a consolation prize.. if he is literally telling you that.. that would be something hard to get past for me too.
Don't you want to be someone's Dream Girl? Don't you want to be someone's first pick and not the consolation prize? I would rather be alone and a single mom then to feel that my partner and father to my child is just biding his time until BM is free or passing the time with me. It's like Martha, the widower, in the Notebook and the Ryan Gosling character. https://www.tiktok.com/@erickthatsit/video/7136943072101010734?is_copy_u...
His X, is irrelevant. His failed family progeny are certainly a top responsibility, as are yours and is your co-child. But kids nor an X can ever take priority over a mate and the marriage.
You and the marriage have to be the top priority for him, he and the marriage have to be the top priority for you, or... you are wastng your time and your life on this guy. You, nor your baby should be with him if he does not have clarity on this.
There is much more to your story, and feel free to share when you feel like it.
It gets really confusing, but really its up to you. Is this relationship acceptable to you. Is this what you want to model for your child. Also, consider that you would have to share custody. Many folks stay together for the children they have together. Would this be workable for you? Stay together as "housemates", or whatever.
Sorry you are going through all this.
I too went through a time when Husband was "doing favors" for Toxic Troll BM. He basically felt he had to, in order to "keep things nice". Because we got together when he was "separated not divorced" and then it was "to keep ourselves out of family court"...and now its "for the child".
I dont know what other issues there are, but the fact that he felt he had to lie about it. And only now is telling the truth because you caught him. Then he is wanting reconciliation. Well, what if he hadnt gotten caught, would he still want to work on things.
Are you giving or asking?
Are you giving or asking?
Husband regrets his divorce
I have been married for a year to my husband who has two kids from his previous marriage. I also have two kids from mine and we have a two month old together. Since we began dating I've always had this feeling he regretted his divorce. Not just a feeling, but his actions showed me time and time again that was the case (he would never admit it).
He has constantly made me and my two kids (who are with us full time) feel like we are his second choice, like he's never happy when he's with just us but only when his kids are with us, etc. I always thought his regret was just about his kids and being with them half the time, and although it bothered me, I could understand it to an extent. This past week he went behind my back and did a favor for his ex-wife. And straight lied to me about it. While this is the first time I've caught him actually lying about doing something for her, he always does things to appease her and will never stand up to her. The realization that he not only regrets his divorce because of the kids but also because of their relationship has sunk in, I think I've always known this but never wanted to admit it to myself. Looking back I can think of a million examples that show this to reality. I don't think I can continue being in a marriage with a husband who always wishes he was somewhere else, with someone else. He says he understands why I feel this way, is going to make changes so I no longer do, and is begging me to continue trying. I will add that we have a million blended family issues as well and have discussed calling it quits prior to this anyway. I feel like by staying with him I'm losing all of my self respect by being with someone who would prefer to be with someone else, if that were an option. On the other hand we have a two month old together.
I'd like to hear other people's perspective on if you could stay in a marriage like this. I'm a very strong/independent woman and to be with someone who makes me feel this way is just so so difficult for me. Going through another divorce and splitting custody when our daughter is so young is not a much better alternative. I don't know what to do...
Are you open to try
Are you open to try counseling? Find a therapist who has experience with step families.
What makes you think that he
What makes you think that he would rather be with his EX. Doing his EX a favor does not necessarily translate into him wishing he had never left her. It doesn't mean that he LOVES her. He is seemingly asking you to give your relationship more of a try.. and that isn't necessarily the reaction I would think a man who wished he had been with his EX would have.
I skimmed your other post.. and it seems like you have had some struggles blending... you felt a lack of closeness to his kids..but have also resented when he doesn't treat your own the same as his. I think to an extent.. it's fine that each of you have more of a bond and do more for your own bio kids.. it's natural.. and as long as you are civilly respectful to the other children.. that shouldn't be an issue.
There are also issues related to his EX that you have resented.. that he "gives in" to her.. which is not a totally uncommon theme here.. and is even common with men who have zero desire to go back with their EX. Sometimes it's placating the beast to try to have a calm life.. or doing things that they see as benefiting their own bio kids.. It's not unlikely he knows how you feel about her.. and not being totally forthcoming when he did her a favor? maybe was self preservation to avoid the drama he thought would happen (which it did anyway right?).
It's possible the favor was something he felt would be currency for good will for some future favor he would need or want in regards to his kids (flex on visitation etc..)
And.. the guilt he may have for breaking up his kid's home.. not sure if he was the one that left.. if he cheated.. if she cheated.. or she wanted the split.. etc.... if he had any blame in that area.. he may regret his actions led to his kids having to be children of divorce.. but.. that still may not totally mean he wants to go back and rewrite history and get together with her again.
But doing something nice for someone doesn't necessarily mean that you love them romantically or want to have a relationship with them.. again. Are you SURE that is what he has been thinking?
I mean.. if you and he had an affair and he left his wife for you.... I don't know.. maybe in hindsight he could be regretting that.. but he needs to be honest.. about what he really wants.
In the end. you probably need some relationship counseling.. so you understand the true foundation or lack thereof in your relationship.
I am also going to put it out
I am also going to put it out there that you have to honestly accept that your BIO's that are not his BIOs.. are not going to be equal for him.. he is always going to wish he had his kids full time. You should not expect him to be a "father" to your kids on an equal footing with his bios.. I'm not saying your kids are not good kids.. but he is not their bio father.. to expect him to fill that role is probably unfair to him.
YOU on the other hand.. should feel like you are the one he wants to be with.. not a consolation prize.. if he is literally telling you that.. that would be something hard to get past for me too.
I so agree with you
Don't you want to be someone's Dream Girl? Don't you want to be someone's first pick and not the consolation prize? I would rather be alone and a single mom then to feel that my partner and father to my child is just biding his time until BM is free or passing the time with me. It's like Martha, the widower, in the Notebook and the Ryan Gosling character. https://www.tiktok.com/@erickthatsit/video/7136943072101010734?is_copy_u...
If you are not his priority, move on.
His X, is irrelevant. His failed family progeny are certainly a top responsibility, as are yours and is your co-child. But kids nor an X can ever take priority over a mate and the marriage.
You and the marriage have to be the top priority for him, he and the marriage have to be the top priority for you, or... you are wastng your time and your life on this guy. You, nor your baby should be with him if he does not have clarity on this.
IMHO of course.
Sounds like counseling is in order
either together or just you.
There is much more to your story, and feel free to share when you feel like it.
It gets really confusing, but really its up to you. Is this relationship acceptable to you. Is this what you want to model for your child. Also, consider that you would have to share custody. Many folks stay together for the children they have together. Would this be workable for you? Stay together as "housemates", or whatever.
Sorry you are going through all this.
I too went through a time when Husband was "doing favors" for Toxic Troll BM. He basically felt he had to, in order to "keep things nice". Because we got together when he was "separated not divorced" and then it was "to keep ourselves out of family court"...and now its "for the child".
I dont know what other issues there are, but the fact that he felt he had to lie about it. And only now is telling the truth because you caught him. Then he is wanting reconciliation. Well, what if he hadnt gotten caught, would he still want to work on things.
Much to consider.
((hugs))