You are here

SD18 Pregnant

Mila851's picture

Submitted by Mila851 on Tue, 10/25/2022 - 3:46pm

Forums: 
Teenage Stepchildren

I just needed a space to vent and some wise words please!

I am 6 months pregnant and SD18 has just announced her planned pregnancy. They have part time, new jobs and both still live at their respective Mum's houses. It was a text out of the blue after we made contact to arrange a weekend away. 

SD is notoriously pretty dramatic and hysterical although her choice of partner is a good influence.

Honestly if she was mine I'd be devastated that she's not thought through how they are going to fund and raise the LO though I have no doubt it will be loved. 

I feel completely and utterly deflated, it's going to be a dramatic occasion because everything always is. I've not been well the last month with pregnancy related illness and selfishly I just wanted some peace and quiet. I don't get why it has to be now and I am very aware that the child my partner and I waited to have so that we were financially more level, is going to feel the repercussions of her decision. I want to be there for him as he is not in a great place about it - but whilst I am feeling irritated and shut down, I can't be the person I need to be and I don't love myself for that. 
 

His kids have taken us from one drama to another for years, never mind the SS and his awful behaviour towards others that has been exhausting and miserable throughout. I just feel angry, could l not just have this one thing to enjoy?! Just once something where I'm not once again I'm in the support crew, running around fixing things and fielding wider family feelings. I wish I didn't feel like this but I do. 
 

Thanks for reading - I just want to sit and cry! 
 

 

 

SeeYouNever's picture

Submitted by SeeYouNever on Tue, 10/25/2022 - 5:04pm

Ugh I don't even know how I would react. You planned your baby and made sure you could afford it and now your SD is going to piggyback off of your good planning. Who plans to have a baby if they still live with their mom?

How does your DH feel about this?

Just take a deep breath and be glad she lives with BM and not you.

Mila851's picture

Submitted by Mila851 on Tue, 10/25/2022 - 5:44pm

Thanks for responding - it's just typical of the last several years! He's in shock although says he knew she'd "jump the gun" with this ....but not quite so much!

Hes always been way too soft with them - even pre his divorce it seems as though some tears or tantrums got them whatever they wanted. If she comes demanding money - which she has form for ......he'll roll over and I am not going to stand for it! I just could do without this happening now .......there's no sense in it at all!! 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Tue, 10/25/2022 - 5:53pm

Don't be the support crew with this, and tell your DH EXACTLY what you expect from him.

"DH, I know she is your daughter, but I am your pregnant wife. You and I decided to have this child, and I CANNOT be pregnant while taking care of someone else's pregnancy. I won't do it. She made an adult decision, and that comes with adult consequences. If you want to play grandpa and buy her a nice gift for her baby shower, fine. But I will not watch you toss money to her that will need to be used for our child. I will not watch you give away our child's possessions when SD delivers. She has a partner to do those things. I need you to be my partner. If you can't commit to that, tell me now so I can find someone else to support me."

I am 9 months pregnant and I have made it VERY clear that I am not up for dealing with people's drama. I am doing good to function at this point, and I'm not going to make a hard experience even harder because some family member made an adult decision. Not happening.

Mila851's picture

Submitted by Mila851 on Wed, 10/26/2022 - 4:10am

Thank you for putting the fire back in my belly!! I will set out clear boundaries and consequences and then I can focus on what I need to focus on! 

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Wed, 10/26/2022 - 11:14am

How does BM feel about having a baby in her home? Make sure your husband understands that if she kicks your SD out, she wil not, repeat NOT, be coming to live with you, not even temporarily "to get on her feet" (because we all know what that means, don't we?). If she's kicked out, she can go and stay with the father of her baby and if she can't do that, make sure you have all the numbers/addresses of the local women's shelters ready to hand to her. 

This is absolutely not your problem.

Mila851's picture

Submitted by Mila851 on Thu, 10/27/2022 - 4:29pm

I am definitely concerned that the bribery for finances will start. She's played games with her BM before to get extra money out of DH .....the BM won't want to pay for this baby any more than I do........but she'll try and push it onto us for sure. You're right though that that option needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP!!

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Wed, 10/26/2022 - 10:14am

First of all keep track of all moneys of your family. That DH pay check get deposited into a bank account.  That he has only so much spending money per week/ two weeks.  That all famiky expenses get C card  food, repairs, gas, ect. That you know where every penny is going.  So SD can not be supported by DH.  
Yes he should bet his DD a gift with in your budget. 
 

Two  you are not babysitting, if DH wants to play GF he goes over there. O she lives with BM.  Guest he can not do that That That none of your supplies goes to SD.  

Mila851's picture

Submitted by Mila851 on Thu, 10/27/2022 - 4:31pm

This has got to be a conversation; despite his head being so buried in the sand he's at risk of suffocating. Maybe I need to get some legal paperwork around the house etc .........just to be prepared! 

AlmostGone834's picture

Submitted by AlmostGone834 on Wed, 10/26/2022 - 11:04am

"Jumpin the gun"

SNORT No, DH, this isn't an example of "jumping the gun" this is an example of p- poor and SELFISH decision-making. Let's start by calling it for what it is. At 18 nobody ...and I mean nobody ...is prepared to raise a child by themselves. They have no house. They have no career. They have no savings. Etc.  They are going to need to sponge off the good-will of other, wiser, more responsible people around them in order to survive. I will not be part of the village raising that child. We were responsible. We planned our pregnancy and this will not disrupt it. 

Mila851's picture

Submitted by Mila851 on Thu, 10/27/2022 - 4:35pm

I've started to put something together for him to read because we're getting nowhere trying to talk and frankly my blood pressure is through the roof. 
 

SD wants to go for a meal tomorrow to celebrate this fantastic life decision .......we'd agreed a meal weeks ago which was supposed to be for something else and he wants to honour it. "We've said we'll go now though, so what am I supposed to do?" 

I've got no idea how my acting skills are going to last .......let alone how I'm going to eat any food ....and he NEEDS to know my position before she starts giggling into her starter about how shocked everyone has been!!  

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Thu, 10/27/2022 - 9:05am

Is it bad that my mind went to that poor baby's father? Someone needs to tell him to establish parental rights immediately as well as a custody plan. Setting him up on child support might keep SD and baby out of your home too. 

I would be furious in your shoes. The only thing she planned was screwing up her life. Not saying that there aren't teen mom's who wind up doing great but she doesn't sound like she will be one of them. Just take the advise from above about establishing those boundaries with both your DH and her. What you will and won't tolerate needs to be out in the open and discussed now, not later. 

Mila851's picture

Submitted by Mila851 on Thu, 10/27/2022 - 4:18pm

It's not bad that your mind went there at all - he's a great lad ......last year she cheated on him (not for the first time) and for once, he stood his ground and told her it was done ... so she had a MASSIVE temper tantrum, screaming and yelling and threatening to kill herself. BM took her to hospital and wasted the MH team's time just so she could have the drama she needed to "coax" him back, 

Thankfully I own the lions share of this house and he is fully aware that one suggestion of her moving in and the locks are changed and he's out too! 
 

Mila851's picture

Submitted by Mila851 on Thu, 10/27/2022 - 4:15pm

Thank you all! I feel so much more supported reading your comments and that I am not a horrible person for being furious for the reasons that I am furious.

I tried to talk to DH tonight and it went really badly! He doesn't agree with what she's done and thinks it's childish and irresponsible .......that's where our positions overlap........

He's just so rose tinted ......she won't be here with her hand out ....(this is the same girl who caused a massive family rift and refused to see him for 6 months because he wouldn't buy her, her third phone of the year because she'd smashed the other three ..... and that was only a couple of years ago!)  I'm being stupid if I think it's put a black cloud over the end of my pregnancy and the birth of my daughter. I'm the one creating the problem .......

So I told him to shove his rose tinted glasses up his a**e and stormed out. 
 

What other way is there to explain it to him?! Sorry for the rant but I'll explode if it stays in!! 

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Fri, 10/28/2022 - 6:09am

You said your peace, he thinks it will be fine. I would just let it go for now. But as soon as the first thing happens: "I F'ing told you so! We are NOT doing this."

If you fester and keep thinking about her you are the one taking away from your end of pregnancy and the birth of your baby. Just remember, you aren't going to let it affect you! Treat the situation like you would if she was 25 and married in her own home. How much would you be involved? Minimal right? So keep it that way now. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Fri, 10/28/2022 - 6:29pm

Yeppers to this!

OP - my DH had a knack for bailing BM out of her own misfortune. I put my foot down, and his dumba$$ went behind my back because she "promised" she'd pay him back, blah blah blah.

Guess what? I. Lost. My. Mind. And he very nearly ended up with a second XW. Oh, and did she pay him back? NOPE. Did I tell him "I told you so"? YEP. He backtracked real quick when I showed him our new split budget, started talking about selling the house, and how we would equitably split our joint savings. 

Get your other support person in place to help you during birth and postpartum. Show him that you don't NEED him, you just WANT him. But if his behavior continues, that wanting is going to wane fast. He can be a supportive grandpa without tripping over himself. He needs to be tripping over himself to help YOU and getting savings set up for your DD and buying/setting up your nursery. He needs to put you front and center and SD can have whatever is left. She is an adult making adult decisions with another adult who is her partner. They will sort it out.

dragonfly878's picture

Submitted by dragonfly878 on Sat, 10/29/2022 - 4:57am

Id start calling him "grandpa"... "okay gramps!" relentlessly. Drive home the point that he is the GRANDPARENT and that this new baby will have a father (the person SD trapped with a kid)- it's their responsibility to raise their offspring, just like it's his responsibility (to which he failed his daughter) to raise his. 
 

His focus should 1000% be on you and your pregnancy as he's the parent in that situation. His adult daughter can figure it out for herself.