SD's Latest "letter to Dad"

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I'm ruminating about relationship with adult SD over her latest communication with DH. It is guilting me out. Though SD has been horrible to us, and I see her selfishness through the letter, still, I feel like shit over it. DH did tell her this, but meant after we were gone--a while in the future yet and of course not ever now that we sold and moved.

Hey Dad,

Sorry, it has taken me a while to write back. Your new house looks nice.

I have been staying busy with work. I have also been looking for a new place to live. Losing the ………. property has been incredibly hard on me. My whole life you raised me to take care of that place, my whole life you told me it would be mine, and my whole life I have made plans to live there and take care of that place. The heartbreak of losing that special place has left a very deep wound within me. I have struggled with lots of depression and have been seeing a therapist to try and heal from this. In my mind, nothing in this world would ever compare to how special that property was and how special it would have been to keep the home that YOU built in our family forever. I miss being able to come to see you and walk in the yard with you. I cry every time I think about ……… and never being able to live there again. I miss you more than you know. I miss great grandmother's ....... tree, your .........tree, and the ....... tree from the holiday fair. You taught me everything about that place and with it gone I feel like a piece of my soul is gone from my body too. I am trying to heal but it is a very hard and slow road. The world is so scary right now with wars and climate change. ………… was the safest place I ever knew. My sense of security is gone and I struggle with lots of anxiety now because of that.

Love you.

Reply from dad

Dear SD, thanks for your letter. I'm glad you've been busy at work and I hope your therapist can help you. We enjoyed seeing you. We are well and things seem to be going ok. Love, Dad

Perfect Example

of projection and gas lighting. I truly hope she does have a therapist (which I would question with her behaviors). This is nothing but a purposeful guilt producing letter so DO NOT LET HER GUILT YOU. This is her karma; had she been a decent human being to her dad and you, she might still be able to visit that home. YOU did everything possible over all those years....put guilt where it belongs. On your SD.

I'm going to strongly suggest you find a therapist for yourself; interview and ask questions first. Make sure they are familiar with Parental Alienation, High Conflict StepWorld, etc. Should be a therapist that has substantial years of practice, also. A good therapist can help you tame the "need to search and seek," help you recognize BS like that last email as the junk it is, and help you establish some good boundaries. You are going to need to "gird your loins" because I don't think distance is going to completely stop your SD. This current email tells you that.

I'd definitely respoind with JRI's response. Completely ignore her guilt BS.

My mother occasionally writes

My mother occasionally writes letters like this when she feels "wronged." She's a narc.

My sister and I call them "mom's hate letters."

We're now waiting for my neice to get her first one soon.

I just ignore them. Because you cannot argue logic with a narc.

Yep, Bratty too

It's the Hallmark if a narc, I think. Type a letter or email to induce guilt/shame, then sit back and wait for dadeeeee to rescue them. Awful.

Yep, my SDs have laughingly

Yep, my SDs have laughingly said their dad is the white knight. And they count on it!

Keep being kind as you can to the woman and forget the guilt letter was written. Hopefully your husband is smart enough by now to do the same.

Oh boy she is laying it on

Oh boy she is laying it on thick isn't she? All I read is me, me, me. The entitlement. Did she ever stop to think her father might want/need to sell the family estate some day for his retirement/care/enjoyment? I simply can't wrap my head around these kidults expecting to inherit the family home. Here is a idea: instead of waiting around for someone to give you a house, why not go out and earn some money so you can buy your own someday? Or is that too much to ask of children growing up these days?

You're right, the letter was

Therapists thoughts about SD

I started therapy two weeks ago. Therapist recommends letting go. I explained my ruminating and she discussed validation. This group is helping me validate that something abusive happened over a long period of time. I didn't have any control over the family dynamic because of DH. That is where I was until recently. Last week, I started going to yoga and I've been going three times a week. Hiking started a few days ago with a lovely town trail. It is a quiet start to the active life that will come if I work on it. Positive activities, caring for DH, and feeling good in a new place...The guilt is why I ruminate and all I can tell myself is that I gave it my best until DH and I just couldn't. The support, advice, and your thoughts are keeping me sane. The guilt makes me feel like I am a bad person. SD's BM contributed. Early in our marriage DH's best friend was out at a popular lunch spot and was invited to join SD and BM. He told me that BM referred to me openly as "the evil stepmother." It is like we all failed at family intentionally or not.

I do understand wanting

I do understand wanting validation.. for wanting some external confirmation that what you experienced was not right. It wasn't right that BM painted you horribly.. and that her daughter believed it... and lived that.

But, I do get a feeling that your therapist is wanting you to "let it go".. because they see your focus on SD.. as not being entirely healthy for you. Checking her instagram.. her pinterest.. trying to read into every post some message or importance. Trying to decipher the intent behind her letters... Honestly.. it could be quite simple. Yes.. your SD thought she would inherit her father's property.. Yes your SD did not like you because she was not allowed to. Yes your SD is self centered.. and not a nice person.

So what do you do with that? The property is gone.. your SD won't get it (unless she buys it from the new owner).. That it came to that as the only way to protect yourselves is sad.. but that is done. You have weathered her attacks and have created distance from her. You are building a new, healthy dynamic for yourself. I say go forth.. let go of the bitterness and heal yourself to enjoy the remaining years of your life.

In the end.. it is sad it got to that point.. that you had to defend yourself... It's sad that the family property ended up being sold.. I'm sure your DH did give his daughter the impression she would get it one day.. but the way things played out.. and her involvement in that.. made that impossible to happen. It's sad that your DH is suffering from estrangement from his child.. but it's also very difficult to be dealing with the dementia and memory issues.. for you.. for him.. life is hard sometimes.. and all we can do is the best we can.

But, you need to focus on you and him.. and making your lives the best that they can be.

If he wants to respond to her.. he can say that he would have hoped that the property could have stayed in the family at one time, but difficult circumstances can mean plans don't always work out the way we hoped. That he wishes her a happy life and hopefully she can find her own place to plant a new stand of trees one day.

So well said, ESMOD.

If I may ask...

What is it, exactly, that you're feeling guilty about? Perhaps I missed something. It sounds to me like you saved yourself (and your husband!) Is this SD the only child??

Refreshing look

What a good ithoughts. We are out of the drama. We did save ourselves. I would not go back to that life for a kingdom.

Glad To Read This!

I agree your therapist is trying to move you to "let it go" and focus on your healing. BUT I do understand the need for validation. I took crap from DHs kids for 12 years, with the last infraction almost destroying me. While I disengaged completely, I had this crazy "need" to see what they were doing and how their lives were just a huge mess, thus I'd guess, validating me. I did this much longer than I needed to but thankfully, my therapist was instrumental in getting me to the "let it go" stage. Today, I could care less what DHs kids are doing, good or bad. I have zero need or want to "look" for them via the internet. While I have them blocked on every avenue possible, I'm aware they can use friends' accounts to see my stuff online and again, I don't care. So, you will get there...to the place where your SD is simply a blip on the screen of your life.

Stay strong on your journey. Don't let improper guilt fill your mind and heart. Put it where it belongs. Begin making your new life with DH and always remember, you did what you could. Me? I sleep well at night because I know I did everything I could to make the family blend. They didn't want it so all the mess here is on them. Same with your SD. She chose to be an ass...she can live with her consequences and YOU can finally enjoy your life.

Do you believe the skids and

Do you believe the skids and their mothers also look for the SM on social media?

Wow! Sorry, I haven't gone

Wow! Sorry, I haven't gone back to remind myself of your posts yet. Is your SD BPD? Her letters sure indicate that she is. If she is, she will never get better. You can quote me on that. I was raised by a borderline. The only thing you and your DH can do is put up boundaries.

I'm glad that you're in therapy and starting on positive activities.

OMG. I am gonna puke. This failed Skidult is nauseating.

Did she ever actually live there as an adult? If I am tracking correclty she did not live there when you sold. She has her own home. So, why is she all spun up about having to find a different place to live?

Time for Daddy to be a bit direct.

DD,

Due to my unfolding progressive dementia the future is not what I had planned regarding my family property. Shit happens, things change. Grow up, pull your head out of your ass, quit expecting others to provide for you, and get on with the life that you provide for yourself rather than your entitlement fantasy of someone else caring for you and housing you for your entire adult life. I hope that your therapist can help you deal with growing up where your mother and I may have failed you.

We can go for walks when you visit me in the new home in the location of the new life that my bride and I are making in our retirement years. Make sure to let me know 2wks prior of any plans you have to visit. We may not be here. Our security service will respond to any intrusions so prior notice will be required.

Love, Daddy

Love this! But

I'd leave the mention of Dementia out of the letter or email. This chick sounds like she'd use any and every angle to destroy.

I'm sure she's waiting on him

I'm sure she's waiting on him to offer amends, and the only amends that will do is property or cash.

I hope his will is ironclad, because she will challenge it.

Transactional relationship with SD

I agree with you. Her relationship with DH has been transactional at best. I don't expect to hear from her. DH told her that our wills were updated and all assets are now owned jointly with right to survivorship. She will lawyer up. A friend of the family revealed to me that she and her mother hired a lawyer after granny died eight years ago. GM always talked about how wealthy she was, but it was not true. DH and I had no idea she'd done this, but valuables did start to disappear from our home after this. I see now that SD was taking what she thought was hers. I'm sure her lawyer discovered that granny's estate was not anything to fight over. DH and I nursed his mother for six months at our home and SD visited only once--the day GM died and only because DH called her and told her to come. Stolen treasures are on DH for giving her a key which drove me crazy. SD has a character defect and a criminal mind. We are going to be better off far away and estranged.

So if there is no will, but

So if there is no will, but both our names are on property, vehicles, etc, the surviving spouse shouldn't be worried about skids taking it all?

Make a freaking Will!!

We aren't guaranteed tomorrow - do you want everything you worked for to go completely to his kids if tragedy struck tomorrow?? We are older - which makes things more necessary - but accidents happen every day and my life and devotion should not be forgotten if God calls me first. Amen?

First time I read this...

I didn't know any of the backstory. I'm not sure why you stayed with your DH if he allowed his vile daughter to deficate all over you the way it sounds like she has. Seriously? Her dog kills your beloved cat and your DH allows the situation to continue?? I've been reading your posts and, based upon what you're telling us, it was a BRILLIANT idea to sell YOUR house (I'm assuming your name was on the deed as well?) What a vicious, manipulative, evil, sneaky thing your SD is. Do guard yourself legally from her - wills, etc. Sounds like you have. I'm sorry your DH was hurt by any of this but thank God his eyes finally opened. Frightening....some of these stepkid stories!

there's nothing like a

there's nothing like a written letter with an agenda. I'm a bitch so my reply would come in the form of a quick note.

Dear SD, thank you for the note. We are doing well. Take care. SM

I hope her therapist is

I hope her therapist is helping her to realize that a place is just that...a place...you can still have the memories without the place.

My mother grew up in the same house that my grandmother grew up in. The home had been part of our family for over 80 years. When my grandmother died, some members of my family had some angst around selling it, but no one wanted to maintain it. My mother is a non-sentimental person and she took charge and sold it quickly. Family members felt sad for a bit, but honestly, it wasn't the place we loved, it was the memories and we're all now fine talking about it and looking at pictures.

In reality though, this seems like another letter about how sad she is that she lost out on some thing that she perceived to be of monetary value. She doesn't talk about the memories, only the things she hoped to gain from it and how she's sad from losing the items she felt entitled to. She can still see her dad and take walks with him...not walking in that yard, shouldn't matter...she seems more concerned on losing out on the actual place. Another question - how much has she done to "take care of the place"?

What the SD is doing is

What the SD is doing is reminding her dad that nothing exists beyond her original family at that place. His choices (incl wife (SM)), desires, etc. matter zero to her. Very immature, selfish, self centered woman who, I have to say, is a product of her parental upbringing.

its all entitlement that she believed she was owed this place, daddy owes her this place for life

Oh, poor SD. Things happened

Oh, poor SD. Things happened the way they have because of her actions, so....

Don't feel guilty.