DH skips a weekend and BM’s life is hard
Last weekend was DH's weekend with skids, but we had a family event out of state, so DH decided he would just skip his weekend. For context, SSs are nearing 17, so when they do come to our house, they mostly hang out in their rooms or go out with friends. They will sometimes eat dinner with us, one will play with DD a bit, and sometimes watch a movie with DH. DH sometimes plans things to do, but often we just have a regular weekend with chores, errands, or recovering from the work week. DH told SSs that he wasn't going to be around and both said "ok". He also emailed BM just to let her know, not to make other arrangements. We figure at this age, they don't need babysitting, so it's just DH giving up his time. He didn't hear anything until today when BM sent him a message asking him to have skids for two weekends in a row because her life has been "really hard". She then went on and on about how she thought she had cancer, but she doesn't and how she didn't understand how DH could skip a weekend because he now won't see skids for a month. For further context, BM called and texted DH about five times a year ago to say her sister had the "worst kind" of breast cancer and BM might need to help her (sister had surgery and maybe other treatment, but now according to SS is cancer-free). She also once thought SS might have cancer. Can't tell if she does this just for attention or if she honestly believes all this, but either way doesn't matter to DH. Also, when do Skids reach the age where DH can just make plans with them on any weekend without having to a) switch for time with BM or b) take them in for an entire weekend where they basically keep to themselves or just go out with other people? DH has told them that he knows they are teens now and have other plans, so they don't have to come to stay for the weekend. The response he got was, "we have to come because Mom needs a break."
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Wow.
Wow.
At 15, 16,17 kids pretty well have their own lives. I still have to chauffeur one around (15) but the others just have plans. I have barely seen my almost 17 yr old in the past month. I think we have eaten dinner together 3-4 times?
The SS's don't need babysitters, they are old enough to even stay the night alone if BM is trying to hook up with a guy or something. Her life is hard.... yeah... it's called being an adult and parent. All of our lives are hard!
That must be hard for a teen
That must be hard for a teen to hear ... that their mother needs a break from them and so is sending them to their father's. Not great for their self esteem and confidence. Bravo, BM!
I think they've gotten that
I think they've gotten that message their entire life...even when they were small and DH and BM were still married, BM was always dropping them off at MIL's house. BM also used to take sleeping pills and other prescription drugs and then go off in her room. BM filed for divorce, she had already met ExH#2, so she was always giving DH "extra time", so she could go away with ExH#2. She also repeatedly told DH he had to keep them on Monday after a weekend because "something came up." She's now on boyfriend #2 since her second divorce in 2021, so I think even when it's not DH's weekend, she's not around. One skid always seems to be at MIL's house. We only find out when we either go to MIL's house and he's there or DH calls or texts him and he says he's at MIL's house.
Why can't you guys do
Why can't you guys do whatever on your DHs weekends while skids are at your house? Why do they have to stay with BM?
We were going out of town and
We were going out of town and it was a memorial service for my father, so we couldn't reschedule. Also, the skids ask not to come to our home on weekends anymore (one *finally* got a job and regularly asks not to come back after his Saturday shift) and don't need a babysitter. Not sure why we still have to schedule to give BM "a break", that's not really the point of visitation.
We have the same BM. She's
We have the same BM. She's been faking cancer for years now but somehow never loses her hair or anything. If you're gonna con people, shouldn't you be willing to go the extra mile and make it believable? She's the world's laziest psychopath.
She also is simultaneously the most doting of moms, yet wanted Killjoy the least time possible to still collect full CS. She's overburdened and overworked, yet she takes sleeping pills and sleeps twenty or more hours a day. She posts on fakebook, "nap time!" in the middle of a weekday. She doesn't even know what day of the week it is sometimes. But DH is a chest beating druggie!
You're in the home stretch, pretty soon DH can permablock her.
BM here always lies about
BM here always lies about things that are easily verifiable. For example, she told DH she couldn't drop skids off (as required in the CO) because her company was sponsoring a charity event that didn't start until 4:30pm in the evening and she had to go. Meanwhile, her company site was advertising the charity event for that day - a golf tournament that started at 7:30am and wrapped up in the afternoon. No mention of any other charity events...and then they posted pics and BM didn't even attend the golf tournament.
Would BM change her plans for you?
Would BM change her plans for you? If the answer is no, then don't change your plans because of her so called "emergencies." She can hire a babysitter or go out and leave them alone, if they can stay alone.
No, she would never do that.
No, she would never do that. In fact, when she would ask DH to take one of her weekends and he couldn't, she would tell him it was his responsibility to find someone else.
I'll also add that he sent this message nearly two weeks ago and she replied this week...after the weekend he skipped had passed, so clearly everything was fine. I think she leaves them home alone over night, so them staying alone is not an issue.
Time to put her in touch with
Time to put her in touch with reality. Not only your DH has no obligation to find alternative care for his kids but, as NCP, he doesn't even have to take them for visitation at all!
And he's certainly is under
And he's certainly is under no obligation to find alternative care when it's her weekend. She once told him he was "ruining her Christmas" because he couldn't take skids the weekend after New Years (which is always her weekend) and he asked his mother and brother and they couldn't either. She wanted to go away with her then husband (now ex husband #2). She also once told him he "owed" her and should take an unpaid week off work, so she could go away to Hawaii for a week with that same ex husband.
Heh, okay dokay, BM, then I
Heh, okay dokay, BM, then I shall have to dock CS (ye, of course I know he can't do that but DOES SHE?
When she demanded he take
When she demanded he take unpaid time off so she could go on vacation he told her that he couldn't take a week off and make enough money to pay CS. She then sent some reply and he ignored her.
But to be honest, I really do
But to be honest, I really do hate this mentality. Morally, parents SHOULD show up during their time, and they SHOULD make up time if they skip it. Also, if it is there time, MORALLY they should be the ones in charge of finding alternate care.
Custodial parents also need time to decompress, unwind, relax and take off the parental hat. A divorced home is NOT a regular home, in a nuclear home, parents help eachother out all the time and give eachother breaks, a combined income also makes it easier to obtain babysitters, etc.
CS is tied to a certain n of visits per year also, then you have non-custodial that play that game 'you don't HAVE to take them' to the extreme and stop showing up....if that's the case they should pay more so that care can be arranged.
I've been on BOTH sides. In this case it seems like a one off- but I've also seen the 'just skip it' choir preached plenty of times here and it's pretty disgusting.
We had a BM that collected CS and spent so much time pawning SD off every chance she got....then you had my ex who would skip is time with my bios every chance he got. We were screwed from both ends.
You bet your behind I needed those breaks. Those breaks are the only sanity some time you get. Yes, even at 17....they make messes, they often don't clean up, they want rides, they eat all your food.... if they are used to being alone at BM's- there is no reason they couldn't come over to their dads house and use his space, utilities and food.
Again, not sure of the history as this could be a rare event, but on your time, ethcially/morally it is YOUR time to figure out, and not making it up regularly is just a crappy move.
There were states that were considering tying the two more closely, because of the complaints of NC not showing up regularly...it does have an effect on finances as well.
What I personally would love to see, if the non-custodial gives up his time, he also makes that time up financially to the children. Give it a calculation of 'cost' like they do with CS, come up with a number.for missed visits...watch those deadbeats stop being deadbeats and start showing up for their time with their kids.
This is the first weekend DH
This is the first weekend DH has skipped that he has not found coverage. He has also repeatedly asked BM for extra time over the years and she has always withheld it, preferring only to offer extra time when she needs a break or wants to go somewhere. She also repeatedly told him that he wasn't allowed to contact SSs on "her time" and since he's an EOWE dad, that's a lot of time. He has contacted them, but she would regularly threaten him when he did, if it didn't suit her. When he could accommodate her, he did, but getting a request on a Thursday evening asking him to take that weekend cannot always be accommodated. And it didn't matter how many times he accommodated her, if he couldn't do what she wanted one time, he was accused of being mean, spiteful, and never accommodating her. In addition, she threatened to reduce his time even further when he didn't allow one SS to skip weekends (when he was 12-13) and made our lives hell for a year when she told everyone who would listen about how "traumatic" it was for this SS to come to our house and accused DH of child abuse (as soon as she got more CS, SS was miraculously "cured" of his trauma and she stopped taking him to counseling sessions without telling DH, even though they both agreed he should go and then also came every weekend as scheduled). DH even proposed joint custody at one point and we offered to move close enough to make this happen, at a great hardship to us, saying to BM that it would allow them to share the parenting load. She flat out refused and said it would be detrimental to skids to spend more time with DH or have DH in more of a parenting role. So, no, I don't think it's DH's job to make sure BM gets a break. I also think that now that SSs don't really want to spend the entire weekend with us that, that should be fine. BM has accused DH for years of not taking their feelings into account. He's been divorced for over a decade and she has successfully convinced Skids that he's not a parental figure (when I met them they were calling ExH#2 "our dad"), so she can't expect him to take over when she doesn't feel like being in control.
I'll also add that in the
I'll also add that in the state I live in CS is not tied to the number of visits each year. CS goes to the custodial parent to equalize income between the homes. It doesn't matter if the custodial parent only has skids 60% of the time, they would get CS. I'm not sure how fully split custody would impact this. It may be that in that case CS goes to the parent who makes less money to equalize income between the homes.
F BM! She is the CP. DH does not have to take any visitation.
This is just ridiculous victim bullshit from BM. Let her rot in her toxic crap.
DH needs to respond to BM with "Why is my having an event that takes mywife and I out of town on a visitation weekend somehow worse than you giving up your time two weekends in a row because your hypocondriac bullshit feeds your deliusions?"
Meh.
" Also, when do Skids reach
" Also, when do Skids reach the age where DH can just make plans with them on any weekend without having to a) switch for time with BM or b) take them in for an entire weekend where they basically keep to themselves or just go out with other people? DH has told them that he knows they are teens now and have other plans, so they don't have to come to stay for the weekend. The response he got was, "we have to come because Mom needs a break."
What does the CO say, typically it is until 18, they are not 18. He should still be having them over, even if they go from there to see friends, etc...do they have their own cars or would DH have to drive them places?
Him saying that is crappy, they are still teenagers and need time with each parent, even if they spent most that time with friends. I see nothing wrong w/the mom admitting she needs a break. No more then your dh saying they don't have to come see him since they have teenage plans. Both parents are in the wrong IMO.
The CO is silent on age. They
The CO is silent on age. They have cars and one regularly asks to leave on Saturday evening or to not come back after working on a Saturday. They also both leave early on Sunday (10am or so) if they do stay on Saturday. I gave a longer response above. I don't think DH should have to be a babysitter and that's what he's been treated as since the divorce. BM has tried to control everything in our home and early on told Skids that DH wasn't their "real dad" anymore, stepdad was (stepdad is now gone), so it's not as if DH ever had parenting time. In the past, DH has asked for them on BM's weekends to attend special events or even a couple of times to take them on a week over the summer and BM refused 90% of the time unless she'd picked the week or the weekend herself. I've attended plenty of events alone because it was DH's time with skids and neither one of us has seen my family in 3 years due to covid and having a toddler, so I don't see a problem with it considering Skids age.
And this weekend…
...which is DH's weekend, is homecoming at skid's school, so BM and skids both told DH they won't be coming to our house. And didn't even tell DH until he sent a message asking what time they would be at our house since they were late. Can't make this stuff up from BM.