Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Just an update from the "situation" I wrote about these past months concerning my step-daughter....who is now almost 18. It turns out, she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It's very unusual for someone under the age of 18 to be diagnosed with this disorder due to teenage angst, and everything else that goes with being a teenager. But in this case, it was exceptionally evident. Her lack of empathy and sympathy towards people, and especially animals, was a key point in the diagnosis. Not to mention the constant narcissistic and selfish behavior - and the never-ending manipulation and coersion of others. Her constant loss of friendships, the putting down of other people around her, the constant need for praise, the list goes on and on and on. Any sort of critique of her would be met with tears, anger, rage, hatred, balling crying, yelling, uncontrollable behavior was also telling. You tell her to put her dishes in the sink, she would cry uncontrollably for hours, yelling profanities. But the lack of caring for anyone else, that was an eye-opener. Animals most of all. She has no friends, her boyfriend is on the fence about dating her, she lives in an imaginary world where everyone caters to her every whim. And when we don't, she flies off the handle. Getting this diagnosis was a huge relief to me. It sounds like it was brought on by her parents when she was younger, but there could be other causes. For the longest time - years - I thought it was me. I thought it was all my fault. It took two counselors to convince me otherwise. When this diagnosis came in finally, I realized I was not at fault at all. She is a very troubled person, very troubled. There is no "cure" for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but psychotherapy seems to help. I guess it helps in about half the cases, the use of talk therapy with a psychiatrist or well-trained psychologist. In this case, she has chosen to try talk therapy once every other week. Doubt it will work, but it might. For now, I keep my distance from her. I say almost nothing to her during the day, will not engage in any type of talk or discussion, don't listen to a word she says, and I protect our youngest daughter from the damage this girl could do to her. I viewed her as being beyond evil. Now, I know why. It's not a huge weight lifted, but it provided a number of answers to countless questions regarding "why" she is the way she is. Now we know. Looking ahead, she could - and probably will - have a number of problems in her life. We've been told she will have problems making friends, problems in relationships and marriage, problems with work, and will most likely turn to alcohol or drugs at some point. Suicidal ideation is also an issue. She's already having problems in most of these areas, except the addiction to drugs and alcohol. One of the counselors said it could be a matter of time. In short, if the talk therapy does not work, she may be headed for a life of constant turmoil. It's sad, but it's also obvious. She has problems. I'm relieved, yes.....but also sad that it led to this issue. Now, all I can do is protect my family - myself, my wife and our youngest daughter.
One aspect of this mental condition which I find fascinating is the constant need for control. This girl is in a number of leadership positions at her school. Clubs, societies, academic organizations - she's the "president" in all of them. Again, friendless, but in charge. So her resume looks great. But her demeanor is not. She recently got a job at a nice store in the town where we live. After receiving notice she got the job, she waited a couple of weeks before telling the employer she couldn't work there. The reason? It would cut into her "free" time. The reality was this - she didn't want to work, having to deal with the public, having a boss telling her what to do and when to be at work. She even convinced her boyfriend to quit his job because the boss was telling him what to do - so he quit! It really is a sad case. She plays the victim daily, it's always someone else's fault. Never her own. I'm usually the target in this game she plays in her own head. In reality, she has a mental condition. It really is sad, but explains so much.
It's not just the stepkids
It's not just the stepkids who are narcissists but also their bio parents including these bio parents we choose to be in relationships with. Ever wonder why they are divorced? It's all about them and their kids. Our role is to be a dishrag, free nanny and sitter. Some of us even play the role of the atm for them and their kids. This is not normal and says a lot of how they feel about us. We are beneath them and simply there to perform a service.
I have always referred to the
I have always referred to the BM in our lives as "NPD BM" as she ticks every box for NPD. But now SD27 (who still lives with her) shows all the signs, too. Like your SD, if you offer even mild criticism she goes off the deep end, and has outbursts of rage which have turned to physical violence on some occasions. It's either NPD, or Borderline Personality DIsorder. Because of this, I have always refused to have her come live with us. She should of course, be out on her own at the age of 27, but I doubt if she ever will. The fact that she can't hold down a decent job is not, of course, her fault, according to her. Nothing is ever her fault.
I think 100% sd has npd...
I think 100% sd has npd... but as someone stated that it gives them an excuse to act that way... my sd is evil, she's always looking for ways to hurt people to get people "in trouble"... she goes as far as COMPLETELY staging situations. She has lost all of her friends. She's going on her graduation cruise with DH and is allowed to bring 1 friend (as were DDs last year), but instead of bringing a friend she's bringing a cousin that can't stand her either... the cousin loves cruises though, so she'll pout up with her for 1 week just to go on a cruise.
Diagnosis
Can I ask the OP, how the hell did you get a diagnosis?
I've long suspected my SD26 has BPD. She thinks the world revolves around her whims. She cries like a baby and flies off the handle about nothing. There's no way we could get her to a doctor. In her eyes all her problems are everybody elses fault!
Becoming pretty common
I am new here and have just read about your update. I am convinced that my SS13 has the same thing going on. BM has had him diagnosed with a behavioral form of autism (known as ODD - oppositional defiance disorder) and ADHD. She has him on some heavy psychotropic meds with no input from my SO - they have 50/50 legal and she has 100 PC with him having "parenting time." SS13 is a space cadette most of the time throughout the day because of the meds. He has never had to learn to control his outbursts and emotions because he has no idea how to after being medicated since he was 7 or 8. He is constantly getting in trouble at school and lacks respect or empathy for others. IMO he only apologizes for wrong doings so he will have less punishment, because he doesn't learn the lesson and the behavior never changes. BM has the same symptoms. She flies off the handle and sends awful text messages to SO when he will not "do as she says" when it comes to what is happening at our house when his kids are here or will not buy things for them to have at HER house - ie, school supplies, school clothes, dress clothes for dances, etc. She screams at SO when she has to manage the kids daily routines herself (she fought for full custody and receives CS each month) and has now gone so far as to schedule the SS13 doctors appointments during SO parenting week and SO will sometimes cancel or reschedule them when he can not just cut out of work or adjust his schedule to accommodate them. She freaks out when he does this and says their CO says he HAS to help her with these things because they have 50/50 legal. It is like talking to a brick wall with her!! And, as you stated in this post for the symptoms of NPD she has taught Skids to blame EVERYTHING wrong in her or their lives on me, their dad, or anybody else involved in the situation. It is tough for us to try and undo this madness in just 11 days every month. I can not wrap my head around a mother who tries to get her kids to hate their dad or anybody, for that matter. Sounds like people with this condition can recreate it in their offspring and she has.
On some level I consider these things to be little more than
the bullshit syndrome of the month excuse for people to be assholes and others to justify and facilitate it.
As intelligent as this young woman is, she needs to be met with a unified wall of accountability for her bullshit behaivor. NPD or not. Her behaviors are her choice. She needs to have her nose rubbed in the stench of her choices constantly until she learns that shit treatment of others results in nothing but escalating misery for her.
NPD, OPD, XYX, LMNOP, etc.... meh. Shit parenting and coddling of shit children who then move on to be shit adults.
They fix it or they are purged from the family and not tolerated in "polite" society.
At some point, even these syndrome afflicted ill behaved spawn have to be held accountable for their choices.
IMHO of course.
AGREED
I am 100% in agreement with you that these "acronym illnesses" are made-up BS for parents to be able to get prescriptions for themselves and their kids. Last time I checked "parenting" does not come in pill form yet!!! But some parents seem to think it is easier to give them these heavy psychotropic meds to control them than it is to actually do the tough love parenting. And let's not forget that the drug companies are not discouraging it!! I am just talking in general format and realize there are actual cases of persons needing some of these meds for real conditions, I am just questioning the fact that there is now a very large amount of the population using these meds rather than dealing appropriately with the bad behaviors.