How to let go of resentment?
This is my first blog entry. DH and I have been together almost 20 years. We have one teenage BS together and I have 3 SSs and one SD, late 20s to mid 30s. SD30 is here visiting and it is awkward as ever. I just don't know how to let go of the resentment I still feel. Long story short, BM is diagnosed BPD and was high conflict for years. SD came to live with us in high school but hated every minute. (We live 5 hours frim BM and SD only came because BM was so nuts but she hated leaving her friends) To her credit, she was always a very good student and eventually graduated at the top of her class and graduated from a very good college. But she was just so mean all the time! Argued about everything and had major mini wife tendencies to the point I disengaged years back. DH backed me up then but now that she is an adult living on her own he just wants a good relationship with her. I only see her a few times a year and it sends my anxiety levels through the roof. Even though nothing has happened this visit, there is always the possibility, you know? I just don't know how to not walk on eggshells because I can see the resentful teenager simmering beneath the surface and I just do not want to deal with any crap. Plus there is currently drama with OSS and YSS, but that is too long a story for one post. Not my circus, not my monkeys! I am just trying to get thru this week so I would welcome any advice for letting go of the resentment I feel! I mean, she doesn't live with us, she's been off the payroll for years, and I only see her a few times a year. Why can't I just deal?
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Why let it go? When they step out of line, destroy them.
They learn to either keep their shit straight, or they suffer. Pain teaches. You have to commit to bringing more abject misery than they are willing to tolerate. When they escalate, you destroy. Why should they get to leave their crap hanging over your head after the shit they have pulled over the years? Answer: They shouldn't.
Keep it simple. Make it hurt for them to be anything but respectful. If daddy needs help understanding, recount in detail every element of shit his spawn have perpetrated on you, your marriage, and your life. He let them do it, he should suffer along with them.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Daddy and his spawn will either gain clarity or they will suffer. Together. Their choice.
Ah yes, because destroying
Ah yes, because destroying someone who is seemingly trying to get their sh*t together after being abused as a child (because if your parent has BPD, that's generally what happens) is precisely the kind of advice we should be giving. Because pain ends pain, right?
Sure, set reasonable expectations. Hold people accountable for their behavior. But also, learn how to heal from the bullsh*t you went through so you don't keep repeating it in the future. OP won't get over her resentment by just dumping all her pain on those around her. If SD is trying, she deserves kudos for that. OP has to figure out how to let go of the pain of who SD WAS so she can clearly see who SD IS. You will always find the bad in someone if that is all you look for.
If SD's efforts and results are legitimate, I certainly agree.
Though the odds of actual change are slim in most people.
Once trust is compromised to the point that there is none, self preservation tends to be that the victims of these types of people remain extremely cautious going forward.
You may need to seek some
You may need to seek some therapy to learn how to let go of the negative energy.. because when you project it? it kind of becomes a self fulfilling prophecy that means each and ever minor slight ( real or imagined) is outsized in your mind and brings every past sin to the table.. and to be honest.. it may be somewhat unfair to both of you to start from that point.
Part of the work may be to focus on empathizing with her situation as a teen. At that age.. friends.. social circle are everything. The world came to an end for her.. she likely took it out on you and your home because it was the easiest target. She was a miserable kid.. and made those around her miserable as a result. Was that right or healthy.. no.. but it is not unexpected and it is understandable.
Does that mean you lay yourself open for "more punishment"? no.. not that either.. but approaching in a neutral.. semi disengaged way? pleasant.. but not overly interested. As long as the visits aren't often or overly long.. figure out how to be less present.. take advantage to do things with friends or family outside the home.. be more busy.. let your DH have some time with her.. and know that he will appreciate that and that holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies... it only hurts you.
This.
This.
I also wonder OP - what did your DH do at the time to help SD cope and build the skills she needed to deal with the situation? To learn how to grieve what she lost (which not only included her friends, but a healthy mother)? To learn how to keep her own mental health in check? To probably deal with any fear she had of becoming her mother?
I am also in my 30s and my mother has mental health issues. I love her because she is my mom, but that doesn't mean I don't have baggage from where she didn't take her mental health seriously. I have been "off the payroll" and lived independently for years now, but still feel like I have a target on my back - like any minute something will snap and I'll become her.
The person who suffers worst from this is my younger sister. Mom left her with our dad, and my sister has had a lot of anger and resentment against her for years. My sister has been in and out of therapy for both that and her own mental health issues (genetics are a beast) but my SF and other family member still treat her like the angry teenager she was in spite of the fact that she lives on her own, pays her own bills, is engaged to be married, and is in grad school. All that does is fuel her anger more because she feels like no matter what she does, no matter how hard she works, no matter how much she distances her actions from our mother, she'll still be vilified and still end up like her.
I also have to be VERY careful when it comes to my SKs because I can see their BM's horrendous personality play out in them from time to time. My YSK got out early enough that my DH has been able to get them into therapy, change around their school path to fit where they want to go, and overall help be supportive of who they are. My YSK was a little sh*t when they were younger, but have let much of those tendencies go. I have to remind myself that they're growing and changing, so I need to base my opinions of them on who they are working to become, not who they were when they lacked th resources to become the person they want to be.
And that is the key to becoming less resentful of your SD. It sounds like (unless there is more to the story) that SHE has grown, is growing, and isn't behaving like the teenager she was. The person who has to adapt to that change and accept it is you. Now, in that process, you don't have to forget the anger and pain she caused; you just have to learn how to accept that it happened and figure out how to not punish her for it going forward. That doesn't mean you become her best friend and welcome her with open arms. It means you find a path where you are comfortable with her being in your life, even if just tangentially through your DH.
You also probably need to explore any misplaced resentment you have for the kids that should be aimed at your DH. As SPs, it's really easy for us to misdirect our anger and frustration at SKs because they're not the ones we love the most. In fact, they are usually the manifestation of the thing that makes our relationships less than perfect. But it's not their fault 99% of the time. It's our partners. It's their poor choices earlier in life, their inability to parent, their inability to stand up against their ex, etc. Just like it's easier for SKs to shift then blame to the SP, it's easy to shift the blame we should put on our partners onto the SKs. We just don't want to do it because we fear it will hurt our relationship with our partner - same reason SKs don't do it because they don't want to hurt their relationships with their parents. So the parent/partner gets off without the emotional toll while everyone else takes the brunt of it.
You have to learn to shift blame to the right person and hold them accountable. It's great that your DH wants a loving relationship with his children, but he can't just expect that without having to deal with the fallout of his previous life choices. How you approach that with him will vary. It may be continued disengagement and he just has to deal with his own emotions of that choice (through his own therapy or self-help book or whatever). But the point is that YOU stop dealing with it for him. YOU get the skills you need to tell him this is how it is and why. YOU learn to spot his bullsh*t and call him on it. YOU learn what your boundaries are and stick to them. You can't control how he reacts or behaves, but you CAN control how you react to his behaviors. He has a literal lifetime to deal with his choices and kids, and he doesn't just get to sweep it under the rug for others to clean up later because he is tired now.
The reality is, everyone is tired. SD is tired, you're tired, DH is tired. The way folks become less tired is building healthy walls with gated bridges, saying "this is what I can and will accept and everything else stays away from me." The fantasy that your DH may want to live in likely doesn't exist, and if it does, it exists further in time than he's at now. If he wants more bridges and less walls, then he'll have to do work with himself, you, and SD to get there. He can't just plant a flag in your happiness land and claim it for himself. If he does that, reject his reality and substitute the real one where you're not ready for that and where his actions make you less likely to accept it in the future.
Thank you
You have all made some good points. I am just getting to maintain a conflict free home as much as possible. DH does in general own his part. He tried to get SD into therapy back then, but she flat out refused to go. I don't believe she ever has gone although we have offered to pay for it many times over the years. Could she use it? Absolutely. But it's up to her now. And yes, I can see that she is trying. In the last couple of years things have greatly improved. But she is still a very poor communicator which drives me nuts. She wont say what she wants and then will blame you for not reading her mind. She also takes offense very easily, I am very direct but SD looks for hidden meanings in my words (that are not there) and then gets offended. I get that this is a function of how she learned to communicate from a BPD mother growing up but it is exhausting. The eye rolls, the huffing when she's mad and I am just transported back to the teenage years and want to scream! So my default is to keep quiet, keep conversations to non controversial topics and go to bed early. DH sees me pulling away and it hurts him, I get it. Maybe I do need therapy.
He needs to talk to her about
He needs to talk to her about those things versus being hurt by you pulling away. He can approach is gently with her in a way you can't. Parenting is a lifelong commitment, and that means he can and should constantly be striving to help her. If therapy isn't going to help (or she isn't in the space where she can accept it, which is common for someone who sees therapy as treatment for crazy people, and BM is "crazy" and SD wants to be distanced from that) then boundaries need to be established by your DH with her. Again, if he wants bridges to be built, then he needs to start building them. That means approaching SD during non-visit times or after you go to bed to talk through these things with her. If she gets angry or balks, so be it. He needs to own that he effed up, even if his only eff up was procreating with someone who wasn't mentally capable of being a good parent.
Again
Although I do agree with Rags in theory, the point is that it is COMPLETELY different with a bioDAD and SM. The courts will pull the children away if bio dad and stepmom exercise the least bit of authority. That is the way the system is. You could do the Rags method IF this was the case with stepDAD and BM.
In the case of stepmom however, you just have to look at it as spoiled goods Because the system does not allow bio dad to discipline or enforce rules, SM has no control over this, is not personally responsible and it is best to disengage with the entitled adult skid.
Therapy!
I highly recommend therapy! I have 4 SKs with 3 different BMs. Yep that's right. The oldest SD is 33 and my DH and I have not had any communication with her BM - thankfully - she is an addict, is bipolar and has schizophrenia. Oldest SD has been in and out of therapy since I've known her the past 8 years but has a number of issues related to anxiety but at least she is self aware and recognizes she needs help with them. My oldest SD is 27 and when I first met my DH he was in rehab for drugs. He came out of it not using any of the heavy stuff BUT still smokes weed and can drink excessively when stressed - he is also married to a woman with BPD. We don't have much interaction with his BM but she is only one of the BM's that I get along with and her husband and I can relate on many fronts!
The two youngest, SD15 and SS22 come from a narcassitic, emotionally abusive BM. SD15 has had many struggles over the past year and her relationship with her BM is extremely toxic. (Read my blog post). SD15 and I get along for the most part but due to an occurrence earlier this summer, I've had to take a step back. She knows I'm here if she really needs me though. I pray that she turns out ok when she gets older. I really truly do. Her brother, SS22 is an addict and diagnosed anti social personality disorder (sociopath) - he lived with my DH and I when his BM kicked him out of her home when he was 15 and ignored him for 2 years until we had to kick him out (it was either that or someone - me - was going to get hurt). I can tell you it was a living nightmare. He was extremely volatile, dangerous at times, beyond manipulative and disrespectful. A typical sociopath.
I can totally understand you feeling anxiety when your SD comes around even though it has been years later. At least she did well in school and seems to have done well for herself. My SS22 is still doing the same stuff that he did when he was 16, 17, etc...His BM got him on disability so he won't ever work. He owes people money all the time. He went to jail earlier this year for short stint. But that didn't discourage him from doing any of the crap he does. When he does come to visit, I immediately become anxious. He can go either way. He can either be in a good mood and be perfectly pleasant OR if he's in a bad mood, he can be completely miserable and kill the mood in a room in an instant. He manipulates my DH all the time - however, my DH has gotten so much stronger over the years at saying NO. But even when he is being perfectly pleasant, I just don't trust it. He's a skeemer and a conniver. I've alwasy said that where he is concerned that actions speak louder than words.
Having said ALL of the above, just over a year ago, I finally decided that I needed some help with some new coping skills and methods when it comes to SO much family drama on my DH's side. I mean my cortisol levels were through the roof! They say that your cortisol levels decrease when the stress reduces. But when your living in constant stress, my cortisol levels never decreased. Gah! So I found a psychotherapist who was fantastic. And speaking with her once a month, learning and seeing different perspectives as well as learning new coping mechanisms has been beyond helpful! Also this site has been very helpful! So yay therapy!
Cortisol
I totally agree with you on the cortisol levels. When SD and YSS (who inherited his mothers BPD) were living with us full time as teens (and I was a new mother) my cortisol levels were constantly off the charts. Now that everyone has moved out and there are boundaries in place, it's only occasionally bad but I still hate it. Ugh, mental illness does such a number on families.
I just don’t understand why SD are always trying
To be the better person. Why we want to not have resentment when SK keep sh*ting on us. Like " it's my fault for not moving and just got sh*t on ".
You have resentment. You have a right to feel this way. They did it. They are keeping it up. There no reason to feel like you must turn the other cheek . That the relationship they want.
You are a person too. You have feelings, You treats people, the way peopke treat you. So keep your resentment, Don't eat crow just because DH want you to do it. Disengage, as I wouldn't care if I ever saw them again
my middle SD. Just stop talking to me. Around the age of 22. I feel bad. Her BF wouldn't care if she was alive or dead. He never saw her or support her. Her life with me may not been the Happy Family she wanted. But it was better then living in a car eating out of dumpster.
she had a life , clothing, food, school, vacations, But I guest it wasn't enough. I feel bad that I payed for all of this, not legal had to. And get no contact from her. Now she is on my I don't care list. I an not begging to her.