I’m starting to dislike my partners child
Hey guys,
Im feeling really bad about voicing this out loud but i feel this is also the perfect place to get some advice.
I have been with my partner for over a year now, he has a child who is 3 years old.
We have been getting along really well all this time until recently.... i'm starting to dislike his child.
We're having some major issues with the baby mum which i can only assume this is why I feel the way I feel.
The BM is manipulative, spiteful and is doing all she can to try and ruin mine and my partners relationship. She's jealous of the fact we have began to build our life together, (living together, going on holiday, buying kittens together etc.) the BM was never able to get this with him on his own terms, he broke up with her because she cheated, manipulated him by crying etc and then they had a kind of one night stand situation which is where she got pregnant, he supported her but also tried to say as they were so young and didn't have jobs or a house they shouldn't bring a child into this world but she wanted to so he accepted it and did all he could to try and help, working 2 jobs to pay for a 1 bed flat, pay for the child and for all the stuff the BM wanted (hair, nails, new phone etc). he did all he could but then all the disrespect from her, her family and friends he left and supported their child from afar. things were ok, not great with them but it got 10x worse when she found out about me, baring in mind they weren't together from when the child was under 1 and I came into their life when the child was 2 1/2. I'd also like to point out that it's not because he's moved on which is why she's acting like this as she has a partner herself. (there's also a whole lot more background drama with solicitors and grandparents and drugs and crap which makes things hard aswell)
So up until recently me and his child have had a good relationship, she loves hanging out with me and my family who have kids at a similar age.
Recently the child has been harder to handle, we are meant to have her every other weekend but the BM picks and chooses when we can actually have her which makes our life hard as we tend to have to drop stuff to help out, or even the BM won't let us see her for 6 weeks, making it hard for us to have a consistent routine.
We've just had her for the weekend after not seeing her for 6 weeks and anything me and my partner say to her she doesn't listen or just loud screams ("cries") at us. We asked her if she wanted pasta or rice for tea, she asked for rice, helped me with making the food then when she sat down to eat with us, screamed at us. If she doesn't get what she wants she'll scream at us about it. she ended up losing her dummy at our house so we asked her to help us look, screamed at us, she then stood right in front of us whilst we're looking and would scream at us demanding for it.
I know she's only 3, but I work with children and know that this behaviour isn't normal. I take her round families houses to see the children around her age and they don't like playing with her because she doesn't share, she doesn't play nicely, she just shouts at them demanding their toys and say they are hers.
I don't know what to do, I love my partner, couldn't see my life without him, he makes me a better person, we've spoken about in a few years that we'll try for a baby together and it's horrible to say but his child makes me not want children, even though that has always been something I wanted in life. It's horrible but, our relationship is better when his child isn't around.
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First. Go to court and get a visitation schedule
Made and inforce by the court. Get weekends, how holidays are handled. What happens when child go to school in a year or two.
Second your SO must parent his DD. Part of Parenting is not have your child scream at you if they don't get there way. There has to be some type of punishment for misbehaving. Time out ? Something age appropriate
Quit playing by the BM's rules.
When she fails to surrender the SKid to your SO for the scheduled visitations he needs to immediately nail her with a contempt motion . Every time. When she wants to dump the Skid on you and SO, the answer has to be NO. Except on SO's COd visitation time.
SO needs to flip the script on BM upon occassion. The NCP can decline visitaiton any time they wish and the CP must retain and care for the SKid. SO needs to put BM in her place and keep her there. She is the paid care giver if he pays CS and she is the CP.
Far too many NCPs forfeit their authority and advantages to the CP. and eat whatever shit the CP serves the NCP.
That... IMHO... should never be tolerated.
Make sure to do this….
One reason this site is so popular is because most of us poor saps didn't come here earlier. Haha. If I were you, I would sit down with your partner and ask about his parenting type. If he doesn't believe in discipline, run like hell! If he's a Disney dad, run like hell! If she calls him daaaaaaddy when she sees you hug him, run like a bat out of hell! You should also ask about how he handles his BM, if he gets ran over, than you get ran over. If he over pays for child support, you over pay, and if he treats his daughter like a god because her mom sucks, than he will expect the same. Go to therapy with him first and talk through some things but honestly you will never love his daughter, if you hate her now. Find a guy without children.
You have a few things going
You have a few things going on here. A chaotic custody situation is definitely impacting this overall.
You may work with kids.. but what you describe doesn't seem totally abnormal for a toddler (terrible 2s... don't just end at 2 lol).. who is dealing with a lot of inconsistency in their life.
I think you need to look to how your partner is parenting.. do you think it's effective? consistent? are they seeking more stability with the custody situation..LEGALLY?
Is support legally set? (if so.. honestly.. you will have to figure out how to ignore how you think you see her spend money.. it's a no win situation).
But.. overall.. the child is well over a decade away from any sort of chance of independence from their parents.. so that means you will need to figure out how to deal with the child.. and the EX over the next 15 years or so. That is the reality and while the child is not your responsibility.. it is the responsibility of your partner.. and the child deserves to be in a home free of resentment and should be supported with their rlationship to their father and their mother.
If you aren't able to do that.. if your partner is not exhibiting good parenting and boundaries with their ex.. this, unfortunately, may not be the relationship for you.
First and foremost, this isn
First and foremost, this isn't your issue to fix. It's your BF's problem and it needs to be put squarely back in his lap how he plans to address it. That also means how he plans to address it WHILE building a life with you that you want and expect.
The thing you need to ground yourself in is realizing that you and your BF are on the same team with the same level of authority. Sure, you two have different responsibilities because you're in different positions, but he isn't Team Captain or the coach just because he has a child. His responsibility is just more and different, but he has to be willing to work WITH you and not just expect you to react to whatever play he pulls out of his back pocket.
So start there. What is his plan for BM? Is he on the birth certificate for SD? Does he even know if he is the father (always good to verify these things when cheating and a "one night stand baby" is involved)? Is he court ordered to pay child support? Does he have a custody order in place that outlines visitation? Does he want 50/50 or full custody? If SD is in danger with BM due to her drug use, what is his plan for protecting his daughter?
You work with kids, so put on that hat when you read this next statement: if he doesn't have those things in place for his daughter, he has no business being a relationship with anyone until he does. All it will do is cause chaos for you or whoever else he is with while his daughter suffers from his lack of organization and backbone and BM's instability. His daughter is his #1 responsibility, and until he has a consistent schedule with her and she is thriving (which it sounds like she is not), she also needs to be his #1 priority.
If he doesn't get this sorted, you'll end up swooping in to save the day. How do I know this? Because you're already doing it. You're already heaping all the blame on BM, trying to socialize SD to kids in your own family, and I assume trying to take on parenting tasks because you work with kids and "know" things. You have to stop ALL of that. Your BF has to grow his own parenting muscles. You can decide to stick around and support HIM in the decisions HE makes in regards to parenting his daughter, but those decisions have to come from HIM and enforced by HIM and organized by HIM.
You won't be able to save this little girl or your BF. He is an adult, even if he is young. I assume you're young, too. You're entitled to not have to take on the burdens of his mistakes. He made a big boy decision, and he needs to figure out how to follow through on it without dragging other people into it.
So find out his plan. If he doesn't have one, give him 3 months to put one together and act on it. If he doesn't, you need to look at exiting this relationship.