Advice needed! Issues with SS
Hi there, bit long but looking for some advice or maybe just vent if anyone can relate. I've been a SM for almost 7 years full time as BM is not in the picture with SS9, BD10, and OB. It has been so difficult parenting with my DH with his son and my daughter. The main issue we are facing right now is my SS and his laziness and lack of cleanliness. My BD is by no means perfect in any way but I am struggling to remain happy in this home. His son is so lazy. He rarely does his chores and when he does they are so poorly done or not done in my opinion and he lies about doing it. I've rearranged the chores and even pushed the responsibility to my DH to keep on him which does not work. I have also tried not relying on his son to do his part around the house but it is so hard. Its not fair to give my BD all the chores because I need help and I refuse to do everything and cover all his chores when I do most of the cooking and cleaning. My BD does not do hers perfectly all the time but I do get on her especially when not done properly. Plus I also work full time and it is so hard by myself with minimal help. His chores right now are just put clean dishes away, clean table, and sweep kitchen and his room. He also leaves his stuff all over the house on the floor every single day and leaves crumbs at the table everyday and trash. His room is a complete disaster and DH even found mold recently from a granola bar. He's been asked to clean it all summer and hasn't really finished. DH finally got on him this week that he has to finish it and no playtime or TV but he has been at it for 3 days but seriously how long does it take? What is he doing in there? He is constantly on his electronics which he regularly abuses despite limits we impose but nothing happens. I feel like SS gets away with everything with minimal responsibility and it is so hard explaining to my BD why I hold her accountable while SS isn't. He also smells so bad. I have to constantly tell him to shower as I can't even stand next to him. I don't want him to be the smelly kid but I've brought it up so many times and I really want to nacho for my own sanity but I can't help it when he smells that bad I had to tell DH to get him deodorant. SS also could care less if he wears stinky clothing, doesn't brush his teeth consistently, and usually pees all over the toilet has wiped actual poop on the walls because it got on his fingers and tried lying about it. Myself and DH has had many conversations about proper cleanliness but he just does not care. I don't feel like its my responsibility anymore because usually when I bring anything up DH gets so defensive and it usually turns into something my BD does too and turns into an argument. I will admit I get defensive too but thats a whole different issue. I know DH has lazy parenting and in my opinion babies him way to much and I really don't know how to continue to approach this. I want to just stop caring and completely nacho but its ridiculous. There are other issues like SS constantly lying and quite manipulative to be honest. I could write a book. But currently the laziness and uncleanliness is just too much and I need any advice I can get or even strategies on better nacho methods. I don't do very much discipline as that was not recieved well by anyone involved and usually made the situation worse so I have left that up to DH but he clearly doesn't discipline. DH says he doesn't mind but it never works out that way and he always takes it personally and thinks I am too harsh so I have no interest anymore. Thank you in advance. 
Hate to tell you, but the real problem is your BF
You know it. He is a bad parent. He not patenting his DS. How can he let his DS smell, smell up the house. He must get after him and tell him to shower. That he must shower and wear clean clothing every day, Or no internet, cell phone, screen time until he does it.
This kid is not going to change. Because your BF can't find his balls. Think it's time for a new BF. This kid will never leave, who is going to want him.
Agreed
Yeah, that is the frustrating part. I am sure I saw the red flags early but SS was a pretty quiet and easy toddler for the most part (some trauma from BM the kid didn't talk much) and DH seemed to agree with most if not all of my parenting style but clearly that was just smoke and mirrors. And slowly as SS became older, I began to see just how different his parenting was from mine. But you are right... I have considered leaving many times and still do. I know it is no excuse, as I grew up in multiple blended homes due to my parents remarriage but I am trying everything possible not to do that to our youngest daughter we had together. But I am sure one day I'll find the last straw. I keep telling myself I can only control my BD and our other daughter since I will have complete rights to how she is parented. But you are right and these behaviors likely will never change
I guess the validation that I am not a delusional a-hole feels better.
Thank you.
This sounds like a normal pre
This sounds like a normal pre-teen issue. They are dirtballs--especially the boys. The only way for it to change is if his parent (DH) holds him accountable and leads by example. Encourage your DH to collect all of SS electronics while he is "working on" his room. Maybe even ease him into it with maybe cleaning for 1 hour and then getting his electronics back for 1 hour to motivate him to get it done.Tell your DH that sometimes kids generally don't "know" how to clean so he may need to go in there and help SS go through everything and find a home for the things that dont need to be tossed. Sorry to say it, but your SS is a reflection of his parent(s) and if his parent isn't in there hoovering over him to make sure he is actively working on cleaning his room then that's the bigger problem. Have your SS do the dishes as soon as he gets home from school. My SS does it as soon as he walks in the door so he can get it over with. Then he changes and goes to his Xbox.
Thank you
Thank you for the advice! I can see what DH thinks about collecting his electronics. He took his TV but nothing else. He has been shown so many times but I've told DH his issue is the mass amount of junk and toys that he has in his room is way too much to keep clean. Not that it can't be done because it can but he does not keep up with it often enough and it becomes an issue. I've told DH to go through it but that's been a few years. I did it years ago to my BD10 room and reduced so much junk and it really helped her keep it fairly organized. I 100% agree with them doing right after school. I try my best to keep up with them doing it right away and I could be better at holding those expectations but he will usually slack it off, do so poorly or just "forget" and it is so frustrating. By the time he leaves for football practice its too late and I have to pick up the chores missed. I agree though it is a reflection of his parenting and I am usually the bad guy and/or resentful when I bring any issues about SS or it turns into a child comparison which is super irritating. Thank you for your advice!
Kiddie Jail
When I was a kid, if we didn't do our chores, or did them improperly, we got kiddie jail. Back then, we were confined to our room, no tv or outside play. We didn't have screens back then. They would've been banned too. To get out of kiddie jail, we had to do our chores to Mom's satisfaction. If we resisted or lied, we got: more chores.
If his room is a total sty, he may be completely overwhelmed by it, and not know where to start. If he's in kiddie jail and he wants out, he may respond well to specific commands, like: put those books on the bookshelf, then walk away for a bit. Then: put those dirty clothes into the hamper. One step at a time, until he is done. If he has too much stuff, maybe get rid of some things.
Creating good habits takes time. Once his room is clean, someone needs to keep on him and not allow it to get that bad again. DH is a lazy parent, so he hasn't created good habits for himself or SS. And that is not kind to you, he should have more empathy toward your doing all the housework. Taking the tv, and letting him keep his tablet, is just plain stupid.
100%
Same! That was never tolerated in my house and I know for a fact it was never tolerated in DH house either so I just don't understand why he is so lenient with him. I agree leaving the tablet is completely stupid. I will suggest that today as he needs to finish his room. Thankfully just about an hour ago DH miraculously took several garbage bags out of his room (only took years of me suggesting that idea) but it still need a ton of work before it is clean. So hoping DH will work with him this afternoon. I agree on the good habits. Thats what I did with my BD she finally knows how it is supposed to be organized after working with her consistently. After years of trying to help SS and his complete lack of listening to anything I say since dad lets him get away with murder I usually just close his door so I can't see it. But still so gross. Thank you for the advice!
SS sounds like a pig
SS sounds like a disgusting pig. You don't have to put up with that in your house.Make it unappetizing for him to come over. Hide the wifi router cord while you are at work. Don't buy the food he likes, and if your SO does, hide it or throw it out. Send his dirty laundry back to his Bioparent in trash bags. Throw away any of his belongings that are left in common areas or on the floor when he leaves. If your SO asks if you have seen the missing stuff, just shake your head and shrug. Also, maybe some fart spray in his bedsheets, since he loves the smell of his own poo so much?? LOL. I am just getting started.....
LMAO
Lol I am dying laughing! The thing is SS is home with us full time. BM is not in the picture and basically abandoned him at 6 years old. I have highly considered using an old trash can and just dumping all his things he leaves around the house in it and when he wonders where all his things are he can go search the trash can for it or DH can.
Dawn dish soap, and the backyard garden hose.
Douse him with Dawn, hose him off with the hose. Lather, rinse, repeat then leave him on the back patio until he dries.
It is safe for oil soaked ducklings, it will work for failed family stanklings as well. The benefit, it fertilizes your grass, cleans his clothes, and eliminates his stank.
Stanky SS nad his odiferous eminations have no place inside your home. Make sure he and daddy are clear on this.
Zero tolerance and no home access until he is clean and stank free.
Brilliant!
LOL, agreed. Not sure HOW I am literally the ONLY one that smells it and believe me I have asked. Its insane.
Maybe they both suffer from
Maybe they both suffer from congenital anosmia?