Divorcing a narcissist/borderline person is always hard. They want to hang on so the can continue to get their feed from you.  

When I divorded the Village Idiot....I gave up everything. We owned a larg house in a very nice expensive neighborhood..think big houses and pools, etc.  I gave up at least 200k in equity and all the furnishings. I moved to a rented condo with furniture from my parents basement.  The only hills I died on were regarding my kids....everything else was just stuff and money.

In the end I walked away with, my car, my 401k (only because I agreed to relinquish my claims to the joint savings accounts) and what I took when I left.  That was it...I also gave up child support as well...I raised my two kids from the ages of 5 and 8 with no child support from the Village Idiot.

I did all of this because I knew it would prevent the VI from continuing on in court and harrassing me and getting his narcissistic feed from me.  He tried to argue but even his own attorney told..take the deal because if you go to court you will not win and you will lose way more.

Now I own my own house (DH isn't on the deed and never will be)..my own cars, I travel and I have pride in the fact I paid for my kids for almost their entire childhood ALL BY MYSELF.  The VI is still alone and still in that same big house all by himself. Karma.... 

Sometimes its better to suffer the intial loss and know the future will be brighter.  Once this is done you will never have to speak or see your AH almost EX ever again.  It will be far harder for him than it will be for you.  Trust me...you can make more money and buy more stuff...your FREEDOM is priceless.

{{{Hugs}}}

Those guys are no joke and expensive. I'm sorry you have to go through this. 

Why in the world do you HAVE to pay a forensic accountant? Can your lawyer not require all the docs? I've not heard of anyone doing this unless very wealthy.

Is your STBX requesting this?

I ended up on the verge of having to split my retirement at my divorce but the mediator was super helpful and we threw all the stuff at my ex...he got the house, the vehicles, all the tools, most furniture (except what I brought to marriage), all appliances, etc. He ended up with more worth than me, and had to pay me a portion of the equity In the house, but not half. Just enough then I was free and clear of debt. His equity now is sky high but I came out of it mentally 3000x better.

You will too.

Do you have other assets you could swap out for the retirement account? Is that the purpose of working with the valuation accountant. Ideally, you would not have any connection to your ex going forward. 

BM does this kind of accounting work for her career...which is what makes it enraging when she lies on all her financial paperwork and then tries to convince DH that the only reason his child support went up is because the skids got older (not because she claimed to be paying for health insurance even though DH was supposed to provide it and because she "didn't have" any info on her partnership income). She also used it to try ti block DH from getting a lawyer for the last mediation, since she had worked for so many of them. We could go back and challenge the CS, but she's such a liar that it's not worth it, we'll just ride it out for 21 months. 

A forensic accountant for that amount seems odd to me. Who is asking for this? If you have good records, it seems like you can show how much was in the accounts when you got married and how much is in them now. That is the amount that you should be dealing with. If it is DH who wants more detail than that, he can pay for the accountant.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Hang in there, once it is all done you will feel so much better!

I'm so sorry, StepUltimate. Much sympathy and {{{HUGS}}} for you. My exh stole my 401k (spent it all on hookers and coke) and ran up my credit cards (which I had to pay off). It may sound crazy, but it was worth to escape. Especially alive. You will get through this. Prayers. *give_rose*

"Still hurts nonetheless. Being betrayed, gaslight, DARVO'd, used, lied to, raged at.... amd now having to go into debt to pay to get officially rid of this selfish parasite is just stunning."

"It's just something that feels like a whole deeper level of betrayal from someone who spent the last decade pretending I was someone he loved."

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I, too, am in the process of divorcing a narcissist parasite.  My STBXH was unemployed for the duration of our marriage and did the same to me:  betrayed me, gaslighted me, DARVO'd me, used me, raged at me.  I can 100% relate to how you feel, your words I quoted above truly hurt my heart because I still have those feelings at times.  I am currently in counseling and it helps and I pray a lot also.  I know how hard it is to have to start the process of divorce and to recognize that the person you loved and trusted screwed you over during your entire marriage and will try to do so again during the divorce.  It's heartbreaking no matter how ready you are to leave that person.

Please hang in there, keep praying, and know you have an entire online community of people who will listen to you, support you, and help to see you through this.  **HUGS** 

Take care of  yourself.

I would be interested to hear what your attorney says about you getting half of what is in STBXDH's retirement funds plus pushing for  STBX to pay you half of the outstanding balance on the loan he took out against his own retirement funds. That loan he took out may be considered an asset as he is both the lender and the borrower.  A loan held by a bank is an asset.  Why not the loan he holds against himself? I would see if you can get creative on putting the pressure on the STBX to back him off a bit on your retirement funds.

Loans can be bought and sold.  Give it a shot.

I will see what my bean counter babe has to say about that. The net value of that loan/debt combo is likely a wash so ....